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Did I screw up? RSVP due date question.

MegEn1MegEn1 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello! My RSVP due date was Wednesday so I've started pinging people who I haven't heard from since the numbers are due to my caterer on Monday. I've had a couple people say they were trying really hard to make it work for work/life reasons but hadn't found a way yet and if I needed an answer now it'd have to be a decline.

As you can see from my ticker my wedding is on October 10. Did I set our RSVPs too far away? I'm worried I'm forcing people to say no when they'd rather say yes because of my close due date, but it's a rather large event with lots lots lots of food so the caterer said she needs about two weeks to get all the rentals, etc. squared. Should I have pushed back on that?

I'm nervous I've been rude to the people I love -- perhaps especially because some of those who said they were trying to make it work but couldn't are some of my absolute favorite people. If they can't make it, then they can't make it and I understand but I feel bad that I might have put them in a bad situation with my RSVP due date. 

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Re: Did I screw up? RSVP due date question.

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    MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    Yeah we sent two STDs -- one in March and one in July or something after we had an emergency venue change to make sure everyone knew about it. :/ I'm glad to hear that two weeks wasn't too far off. I have no blame if people can't make it I was just worried I was putting them in an awkward position if I'd been rude. 

    Thanks. 

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    lembasloverlembaslover member
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    MegEn1 said:
    Hello! My RSVP due date was Wednesday so I've started pinging people who I haven't heard from since the numbers are due to my caterer on Monday. I've had a couple people say they were trying really hard to make it work for work/life reasons but hadn't found a way yet and if I needed an answer now it'd have to be a decline.

    As you can see from my ticker my wedding is on October 10. Did I set our RSVPs too far away? I'm worried I'm forcing people to say no when they'd rather say yes because of my close due date, but it's a rather large event with lots lots lots of food so the caterer said she needs about two weeks to get all the rentals, etc. squared. Should I have pushed back on that?

    I'm nervous I've been rude to the people I love -- perhaps especially because some of those who said they were trying to make it work but couldn't are some of my absolute favorite people. If they can't make it, then they can't make it and I understand but I feel bad that I might have put them in a bad situation with my RSVP due date. 
    I don't think you did anything wrong assuming they had a couple of weeks to respond before the due date. Needing the numbers 2 weeks before and asking for them 3 weeks before so you have time for stragglers is normal. That being said sometimes life happens and even though people are trying from the minute they get their invite they can't get the answer in time. 

    You say these are some of your closest people, are you willing to just say yes for them and pay for them knowing they might not come? We are facing that with my brother who is in the military and currently is being denied leave for my wedding. We're thinking of putting him in the numbers just to make sure he has a spot but if he can't make it then we'll eat the cost of his plate. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    They're the ones being rude.
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    You're not out of line at all. Your wedding is two weeks ago, and you need to get those numbers in. 
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    Wegl13Wegl13 member
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    If you can, I'd just add a couple of numbers to tell your venue. I did this and while I ended up eating it for a few people, our per head price was low (we did heavy apps so even with paying the caterer for the tip and the glasses and everything it was like $30/pp). Plus it meant there was PLENTY for everyone with lots of yummy leftovers (which we are for dinner). I agree with PPs that they are the ones being rude, but I've been on both sides of that and it was nice to be able to tell my friends/family that "hey look you mean a lot to me so there's a place at the table if you can make it." FWIW none of those people made it but it made me feel better knowing that I had kept the invitation that open.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    Two weeks is standard.  Your caterer needs the numbers, you gave plenty of notice. The guest should have responded on time.
                       
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    SP29SP29 member
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    Your RSVP is pretty standard, so you have not been rude.

    I agree, at this point, it's up to you and your budget. If you still have a week until you need to give your caterer your numbers, you could say, "I need a final yes/no by Friday (or whatever day) at noon". Or, if you have the budget, include some of these important people in your numbers, hoping they will change to a yes. 
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    lc07lc07 member
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    I'm with PPs. Your RSVP by date was reasonable. I had this come up with a few guests and they were important enough to me that I put them down as a yes and told them I'd love to see them even if they only found out they could come last minute. I was budgeting for them anyway.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    MairePoppy said:
    Two weeks is standard.  Your caterer needs the numbers, you gave plenty of notice. The guest should have responded on time.

    Wegl13 said:
    If you can, I'd just add a couple of numbers to tell your venue. I did this and while I ended up eating it for a few people, our per head price was low (we did heavy apps so even with paying the caterer for the tip and the glasses and everything it was like $30/pp). Plus it meant there was PLENTY for everyone with lots of yummy leftovers (which we are for dinner). I agree with PPs that they are the ones being rude, but I've been on both sides of that and it was nice to be able to tell my friends/family that "hey look you mean a lot to me so there's a place at the table if you can make it." FWIW none of those people made it but it made me feel better knowing that I had kept the invitation that open.
    I would leave the numbers as the number of people that have already said yes, and if you have to add a couple more at the last minute, what is your venue going to do, not let people come to your wedding? I have learned after doing few events that always pay for who you know will come, and you can always add a couple more later. If you tell them 3 more extra then you need, and they don't come, you have paid for nothing. Usually, the 2 week deadline is a number you can't decrease, but you certainly can increase. Now if it's 10 people you don't know about, that's getting a little crazy, but a few shouldn't be a problem.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    2 weeks seems reasonable to me.  I'd talk to your venue and find out whether and how anyone who hasn't RSVPd can be accommodated.
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    lembasloverlembaslover member
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    huskypuppy14 said:
    MairePoppy said:
    Two weeks is standard.  Your caterer needs the numbers, you gave plenty of notice. The guest should have responded on time.

    Wegl13 said:
    If you can, I'd just add a couple of numbers to tell your venue. I did this and while I ended up eating it for a few people, our per head price was low (we did heavy apps so even with paying the caterer for the tip and the glasses and everything it was like $30/pp). Plus it meant there was PLENTY for everyone with lots of yummy leftovers (which we are for dinner). I agree with PPs that they are the ones being rude, but I've been on both sides of that and it was nice to be able to tell my friends/family that "hey look you mean a lot to me so there's a place at the table if you can make it." FWIW none of those people made it but it made me feel better knowing that I had kept the invitation that open.
    I would leave the numbers as the number of people that have already said yes, and if you have to add a couple more at the last minute, what is your venue going to do, not let people come to your wedding? I have learned after doing few events that always pay for who you know will come, and you can always add a couple more later. If you tell them 3 more extra then you need, and they don't come, you have paid for nothing. Usually, the 2 week deadline is a number you can't decrease, but you certainly can increase. Now if it's 10 people you don't know about, that's getting a little crazy, but a few shouldn't be a problem.
    This is a great point. After talking to our venue again they said they can add someone up to the day before. Our DOC said if it's a matter of a last minute issue with one person he can just go buy a steak somewhere if that's what's needed. Talk to your venue and see if they will do something similar to give these people more time. 

    I just want to reiterate that you aren't being rude and also I don't know if they are either. They may have a case like my brother where it is completely out of their control and they are really trying. 
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    MegEn1MegEn1 member
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    Thanks all! I spoke with my DOC and we added two regular meals and a vegetarian meal just in case anything changes. If no one else comes she'll box the extra meals up for us to eat during the couple-day lull between our wedding and our honeymoon.

    I do appreciate everyone's comments though -- I was really worried I was out of line. 

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