Groomsmen

alissakay7 · September 2015

I have my wedding party all asked (6 girls and 2 ring bearers), but my fiancé is dragging his feet. We are getting married September 17, 2016 ,which happens to be opening day of bow season in WI, and ourselves as well as most of our friends are hunters, so I feel like he should be asking sooner then later.

The other problem he is having is that the guy who was always supposed to be his best man was killed in a car accident 3 weeks before we got engaged and I feel like he's still struggling with that. He feels obligated now to ask his little brother to be his best man (they aren't super close and there is a 7 year age difference). I keep trying to tell him that it's fine not to have him as his best man.

Also how did your fiancé ask his wedding party? Looking for any creative ways to ask.

Jen4948 · September 2015

Leave this in your FI's hands and don't involve yourself in this.

As far as what he should do, uneven sides are totally legitimate. He should not replace his best man. It's not fair to his brother to ask him to be a replacement. Had he wanted his brother to be his best man, he should have asked him at the time everyone else was asked. It would have been fine to have more than one best man. It's not a "role" that needs to be cast.

Also, "creative" ways of asking people to be in one's wedding party get side-eyed, here and in real life. No one is more honored by cutesy, gimmicky ways of being asked to be in one's wedding party, nor is it more "special," than just being asked in a respectful, direct way.

snowywinter · September 2015

Jen4948 said:

Leave this in your FI's hands and don't involve yourself in this. As far as what he should do, uneven sides are totally legitimate. He should not replace his best man. It's not fair to his brother to ask him to be a replacement. Had he wanted his brother to be his best man, he should have asked him at the time everyone else was asked. It would have been fine to have more than one best man. It's not a "role" that needs to be cast. Also, "creative" ways of asking people to be in one's wedding party get side-eyed, here and in real life. No one is more honored by cutesy, gimmicky ways of being asked to be in one's wedding party, nor is it more "special," than just being asked in a respectful, direct way.

The poster said the best friend was killed in a car crash 3 weeks before the engagement, so no one had been asked yet and this isn't exactly a "replacement."

Jen4948 · September 2015

snowywinter said:

Jen4948 said:

Leave this in your FI's hands and don't involve yourself in this. As far as what he should do, uneven sides are totally legitimate. He should not replace his best man. It's not fair to his brother to ask him to be a replacement. Had he wanted his brother to be his best man, he should have asked him at the time everyone else was asked. It would have been fine to have more than one best man. It's not a "role" that needs to be cast. Also, "creative" ways of asking people to be in one's wedding party get side-eyed, here and in real life. No one is more honored by cutesy, gimmicky ways of being asked to be in one's wedding party, nor is it more "special," than just being asked in a respectful, direct way.

The poster said the best friend was killed in a car crash 3 weeks before the engagement, so no one had been asked yet and this isn't exactly a "replacement."

Yes, it is. Even if the person being replaced has died, it's not appropriate because it's rude to the person asked to be the replacement, whoever that might be. If you (generic) are going to ask someone to be in your wedding party, the time to do it is when everyone is asked, not after someone has died or dropped out.

snowywinter · September 2015

Jen4948 said:

snowywinter said:

Jen4948 said:

Leave this in your FI's hands and don't involve yourself in this. As far as what he should do, uneven sides are totally legitimate. He should not replace his best man. It's not fair to his brother to ask him to be a replacement. Had he wanted his brother to be his best man, he should have asked him at the time everyone else was asked. It would have been fine to have more than one best man. It's not a "role" that needs to be cast. Also, "creative" ways of asking people to be in one's wedding party get side-eyed, here and in real life. No one is more honored by cutesy, gimmicky ways of being asked to be in one's wedding party, nor is it more "special," than just being asked in a respectful, direct way.

The poster said the best friend was killed in a car crash 3 weeks before the engagement, so no one had been asked yet and this isn't exactly a "replacement."

Yes, it is. Even if the person being replaced has died, it's not appropriate because it's rude to the person asked to be the replacement, whoever that might be. If you (generic) are going to ask someone to be in your wedding party, the time to do it is when everyone is asked, not after someone has died or dropped out.

NO ONE had been asked! If the friend hadn't died, he would have been asked, but no one had been asked yet. What about that is hard to understand?

banana468 · September 2015

Jen4948 said:

snowywinter said:

Jen4948 said:

Leave this in your FI's hands and don't involve yourself in this.

As far as what he should do, uneven sides are totally legitimate. He should not replace his best man. It's not fair to his brother to ask him to be a replacement. Had he wanted his brother to be his best man, he should have asked him at the time everyone else was asked. It would have been fine to have more than one best man. It's not a "role" that needs to be cast.

Also, "creative" ways of asking people to be in one's wedding party get side-eyed, here and in real life. No one is more honored by cutesy, gimmicky ways of being asked to be in one's wedding party, nor is it more "special," than just being asked in a respectful, direct way.

The poster said the best friend was killed in a car crash 3 weeks before the engagement, so no one had been asked yet and this isn't exactly a "replacement."

Yes, it is. Even if the person being replaced has died, it's not appropriate because it's rude to the person asked to be the replacement, whoever that might be. If you (generic) are going to ask someone to be in your wedding party, the time to do it is when everyone is asked, not after someone has died or dropped out.

Let me get this straight: it's rude to ask someone to be a BM because the guy's best friend died before the engagement even took place?

Unless the dead friend is mentioned during the asking process or the new WP members are told that they're filling in for someone who died, there is nothing wrong with asking someone to be BM.

jacques27 · September 2015

Moving on...

You're just under a year out. That really is in no way dragging his feet. You'll see most posts here advising not to choose wedding party members more than a year out and even waiting until about 9 months out at the farthest because plans and relationships can change. Bow hunting or not, there really isn't a reason for him to have to pick this far out.

That said, he can also choose to pick no one. Sides don't have to be even. He also doesn't have to have a best man if he doesn't want one. He can just have groomsmen without a best man designation. His side of the wedding party is completely 100% his call, including how to ask them (which, for the most part, a "Hey, would you please be a groomsman in my wedding?" gets the job done). Is he asking us for "creative ways" through you or are you asking because you want to help orchestrate this for him? If it's the latter, I would just butt out. This is the one area that is in no way your call whatsoever. Let him know a general deadline things need to be sorted by (like when programs need to get to the printers or how far in advance attire needs to be sorted out - which generally isn't that long, especially for mens attire), and then let him be to ask whomever he wants, however he wants, whenever he wants.

Jen4948 · September 2015

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

snowywinter said:

Jen4948 said:

Leave this in your FI's hands and don't involve yourself in this.

As far as what he should do, uneven sides are totally legitimate. He should not replace his best man. It's not fair to his brother to ask him to be a replacement. Had he wanted his brother to be his best man, he should have asked him at the time everyone else was asked. It would have been fine to have more than one best man. It's not a "role" that needs to be cast.

Also, "creative" ways of asking people to be in one's wedding party get side-eyed, here and in real life. No one is more honored by cutesy, gimmicky ways of being asked to be in one's wedding party, nor is it more "special," than just being asked in a respectful, direct way.

The poster said the best friend was killed in a car crash 3 weeks before the engagement, so no one had been asked yet and this isn't exactly a "replacement."

Yes, it is. Even if the person being replaced has died, it's not appropriate because it's rude to the person asked to be the replacement, whoever that might be. If you (generic) are going to ask someone to be in your wedding party, the time to do it is when everyone is asked, not after someone has died or dropped out.

Let me get this straight: it's rude to ask someone to be a BM because the guy's best friend died before the engagement even took place?

Unless the dead friend is mentioned during the asking process or the new WP members are told that they're filling in for someone who died, there is nothing wrong with asking someone to be BM.

If he'd already asked someone to be his best man, even if he wasn't engaged at the time, I think it's wrong to ask someone else to "replace" that person if the new person is told that he is a "replacement" or is given any indication that he wasn't the groom's first choice. That's rude and insulting. But if nothing is said about "replacing" the original person intended for the best man, then I think it's OK.

AddieCake · September 2015

But he HADN'T asked the deceased friend ;it was just a plan to always have him as the best man. If the groom asks someone else now, it's not the same as replacing him. It's just moving on with life.

STARMOON44 · September 2015

Do nothing. Nothing at all. Practice letting him be an independent adult on his own.

lembaslover · September 2015

Just be supportive of him. I'm sure loosing your best friend isn't something you get over quickly and he might feel guilty of asking someone else to be best man because to him it should have been his friend and that is OK. It's also OK to tell him that he isn't replacing his friend by having someone else be his best man if he wants but just be supportive with whichever he chooses.

As for how to ask them, if they were local we just had them over for dinner and said hey will you be in our wedding? For my MOH who was far away I mailed her a postcard. It doesn't have to be together, I think FI and his Best Man just went and got a beer and he asked. Or he just texted him, I'm not really sure. Anyways I'd give him a few months to just do it on his own and after that just see if he wants to have anyone. It's ok if he doesn't.

levioosa · September 2015

alissakay7 said:

I have my wedding party all asked (6 girls and 2 ring bearers), but my fiancé is dragging his feet. We are getting married September 17, 2016 ,which happens to be opening day of bow season in WI, and ourselves as well as most of our friends are hunters, so I feel like he should be asking sooner then later.

The other problem he is having is that the guy who was always supposed to be his best man was killed in a car accident 3 weeks before we got engaged and I feel like he's still struggling with that. He feels obligated now to ask his little brother to be his best man (they aren't super close and there is a 7 year age difference). I keep trying to tell him that it's fine not to have him as his best man.

Also how did your fiancé ask his wedding party? Looking for any creative ways to ask.

1. It's too early to be asking your wedding party. 6-9 months out is a better plan, since relationships change, sometimes drastically.

2. Sides don't have to be even.

3. Whoever your FI wants to ask is fine. He should ask whomever he is closest to. If little brother isn't in that category, then FI doesn't need to ask him.

4. I find it a little irritating that your FI just lost his best friend, and yet you're all, "Oh noes! The wedding party!" Maybe he's still fucking grieving and asking a wedding party is pretty far down the list of priorities, especially since it's too early anyways to be asking.

5. Creative ways of asking someone to be in your WP are overrated. Why can't he just call up his buddies to ask them? Or meet them for dinner? Again, you should be staying out of this. His side of the wedding party is none of your business.

MyNameIsNot · September 2015

levioosa said:

alissakay7 said:

I have my wedding party all asked (6 girls and 2 ring bearers), but my fiancé is dragging his feet. We are getting married September 17, 2016 ,which happens to be opening day of bow season in WI, and ourselves as well as most of our friends are hunters, so I feel like he should be asking sooner then later.

The other problem he is having is that the guy who was always supposed to be his best man was killed in a car accident 3 weeks before we got engaged and I feel like he's still struggling with that. He feels obligated now to ask his little brother to be his best man (they aren't super close and there is a 7 year age difference). I keep trying to tell him that it's fine not to have him as his best man.

Also how did your fiancé ask his wedding party? Looking for any creative ways to ask.

1. It's too early to be asking your wedding party. 6-9 months out is a better plan, since relationships change, sometimes drastically.

2. Sides don't have to be even.

3. Whoever your FI wants to ask is fine. He should ask whomever he is closest to. If little brother isn't in that category, then FI doesn't need to ask him.

4. I find it a little irritating that your FI just lost his best friend, and yet you're all, "Oh noes! The wedding party!" Maybe he's still fucking grieving and asking a wedding party is pretty far down the list of priorities, especially since it's too early anyways to be asking.

5. Creative ways of asking someone to be in your WP are overrated. Why can't he just call up his buddies to ask them? Or meet them for dinner? Again, you should be staying out of this. His side of the wedding party is none of your business.

All of this.

Stay out of it. Your FI is a grown man. Let him ask his WP in his own time in his own way. There is absolutely no reason for you to be pushing him about this.

ShesSoCold · September 2015

Find something else to worry about.

aurianna · October 2015

If he asks people in 3 or 4 months to be in his wedding party, odds are pretty high that they can get out of whatever bow hunting plans they had for that day.

As PPs have said, this is all your FI's decision. Let him decide who, when and how. No Best Man necessary. If he'd like to leave that spot essentially open as a way to privately honor his friend, let him.

The one thing you can do if you want to make sure bow season doesn't interfere with the wedding party, is send out Save the Dates sometime soon. Send them at least to VIPs (and I assume that means to most of the guys he'd consider asking to be in the wedding party). That way they'll know about the wedding before bow time and free up their schedules if the wedding is more important to them. This will give your FI more time to ponder on who to ask.

Liatris2010 · October 2015

Your FI's best friend died recently, and you are pestering him about picking groomsmen? That is seriously insensitive. It is probably very difficult for him to think about getting married without his best friend there. Give him time, you don't need to rent tuxes a year out.

redoryx · October 2015

Liatris2010 said:

Your FI's best friend died recently, and you are pestering him about picking groomsmen? That is seriously insensitive. It is probably very difficult for him to think about getting married without his best friend there. Give him time, you don't need to rent tuxes a year out.

OP I have to agree with Liatris that you are being pretty insensitive about the situation. Your FI's best friend died less than a month ago. So while he's dealing with the grief of that, here you are telling him he needs to pick his GM for a wedding that's still a year away.

Stop talking to him about the bridal party and let him work through the process and bring it up again in the new year, which is a much better timeline for asking people.

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