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Bad bridesmaid, what should I do?

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Re: Bad bridesmaid, what should I do?

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    What did your bachelorette party consist of? Just curious. My sister doesn't really drink, so bar hopping was not her idea of a good time. We did a bunch of things during the day, and went out for dinner, and everything was pretty much done by 11pm. Hell, my bachelorette party had alcohol, and a bunch of people went to bed by 11 or 12. I just don't see what the big deal is.

    She was totally wrong in sneaking in booze, showing up drunk and late, but you should let it go.As an atheist, I would refuse to pray over someone.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    scribe95 said:

    Well I guess I disagree. I consider her sneaking alcohol into the reception and even leaving to drink to be a big deal and I could not just act like everything was okay. Since you just got married last week I think it's okay to bring up that you were upset by her going against your wishes on the alcohol. But have a quick conversation and be done with it. You can also use that as a chance to see if you can help her in any way deal with her heartbreak. 


    My friends and I tell each other when we annoy each other so things don't fester. So that's why I say that.
    QFT.

    If it really bothers you, deal with it briefly, immediately, and with empathy. Use "I" statements instead of accusing ("I feel like I was disrespected" instead of "You disrespected me"). See if there's any way you can help her. But don't let it fester.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    JediElizabeth said:
    Well I guess I disagree. I consider her sneaking alcohol into the reception and even leaving to drink to be a big deal and I could not just act like everything was okay. Since you just got married last week I think it's okay to bring up that you were upset by her going against your wishes on the alcohol. But have a quick conversation and be done with it. You can also use that as a chance to see if you can help her in any way deal with her heartbreak. 

    My friends and I tell each other when we annoy each other so things don't fester. So that's why I say that.
    QFT. If it really bothers you, deal with it briefly, immediately, and with empathy. Use "I" statements instead of accusing ("I feel like I was disrespected" instead of "You disrespected me"). See if there's any way you can help her. But don't let it fester.
    We do too, but I also know them well enough to know of their actions are this off, there's a reason bigger than whatever event they were "disrespecting." I think she obviously asked to continue to be a BM because she loves OP and thought she could handle it and couldn't. This isn't about OP wedding, it's about friends destructive behavior. Although TBH if I got dolled up on a Saturday night for a dry BP I'd probably leave early and grab some cocktails too because that's what I enjoy doing on my weekend. What makes me assum it's coping behavior is OPs apparent surprise by this.
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  • VicTim328VicTim328 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    OP, your friend's behavior was inappropriate, and I can see why you would be upset.  Try to remember that while you are a happy newlywed, your friend is struggling.  Your friend is grieving the loss of what she wanted her future to be. She now has to figure out what her future will be without him.

    Just out of curiosity, since the break-up, have you talked with her about her faith? For my friends, avoiding a prayer they would normally have been a part of would be a red flag for me.  Before I met FI, I went through a very difficult break-up.  I struggled with understanding God's purpose through it.  I was angry I had to endure the loss.  I left my job to relocate near him.  I gave up my dream job for my then dream guy.  I had adjusted my future to have him in it, and then he said never mind.  If this were one of my friends, I would be trying to help her through this. If this is not typical behavior of your friend, I would be talking to her about it all.  How is she coping? What is she currently focusing on in her life?

    She may not be able open up to you.  It may be too hard, given the circumstances.  I always say that you can only be happy for someone if you are first happy for yourself.  It's hard to truly rejoice with someone if there is little joy in your heart.  But you can always cry with someone. 

    Try to be the friend she needs and pray for her.
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    The big piece of missing information here is how unusual this behavior (drinking even when it's not a "drinking event", showing up late, etc.) is for the girl. 

    If this was not surprising, then why are you friends with her and why was she your bridesmaid? You can't be mad at someone for behaving as expected/typical. That's on you for inviting her in the first place.

    If it is surprising behavior, and you love her enough to make her a bridesmaid, then you should put all your hurt feeling aside and try to help your friend. And in the meantime, you should think about why you're so concerned with how these trivial acts did (not) affect your wedding day, instead of why your friend is behaving so erratically.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PGL stole my answer! 

    If there was ever a time to ask yourself WWJD, this is it. 

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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper

    PrettyGirlLost said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    OP, your friend's behavior was inappropriate, and I can see why you would be upset.  Try to remember that while you are a happy newlywed, your friend is struggling.  Your friend is grieving the loss of what she wanted her future to be. She now has to figure out what her future will be without him.

    Just out of curiosity, since the break-up, have you talked with her about her faith? For my friends, avoiding a prayer they would normally have been a part of would be a red flag for me.  Before I met FI, I went through a very difficult break-up.  I struggled with understanding God's purpose through it.  I was angry I had to endure the loss.  I left my job to relocate near him.  I gave up my dream job for my then dream guy.  I had adjusted my future to have him in it, and then he said never mind.  If this were one of my friends, I would be trying to help her through this. If this is not typical behavior of your friend, I would be talking to her about it all.  How is she coping? What is she currently focusing on in her life?

    She may not be able open up to you.  It may be too hard, given the circumstances.  I always say that you can only be happy for someone if you are first happy for yourself.  It's hard to truly rejoice with someone if there is little joy in your heart.  But you can always cry with someone. 

    Try to be the friend she needs and pray for her.
    I do get where you're coming from on this, but I would feel incredibly judged if someone asked about my faith because I skipped a prayer. If I want to talk to you about it, I will bring it up.
    Yeah, I don't think I'd approach her to talk to her about her faith.

    She just broke up with her FI. . . I can see where praying over a newly married couple might not be something she'd want to do, since she's hurting.  That doesn't necessarily mean anything more than she's hurting.

    And even if she is questioning her faith or something, that's pretty normal when a person goes through a crappy, traumatic event.  That's human nature.  I'm sure if she needs to discuss her faith she'd go talk to a pastor about it.
    OP's new husband is a pastor - she should talk to him!
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  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    "At my bachelorette party she left at 11 because she "was tired" and had "work at 7 am". I found out the following day that she lied and went to a bar with other friends and was out all night." - Shouldn't be an issue. I get being offended she lied to you, but you would have been offended if she'd told you the party was boring her so she was off to hang out with other friends. She showed up to celebrate & wish you well, I don't think anyone is obligated to stay until the party officially ends. Sounds like she was being considerate of your feelings.

    "Then, on my wedding day, she showed up tipsy, 2 hours late. She left pictures to take shots at a bar (we thought she ran in to use the restroom.) And she snuck alcohol into the actual wedding, sharing with enough people that other people saw and notified me." - It was wrong of her to be late & bring booze. It was wrong of your other guests to tattle on her to you, if she was causing trouble they should have gone to the venue manager. She was rude but not out of control & your other guests were busybodies. These shouldn't be issues either.

    "Before the ceremony, we were having our bridal party pray over us. My husband was crying as was I. My maid of honor noticed she was missing and found her in the bridal suite taking selfies. After being told we were waiting for her, she snapped and said she will be down in a minute and continued taking photos of herself." - Why did your MOH leave to get her? Why were you waiting for that one BM who obviously didn't want to participate? She chose to excuse herself rather than fake her way through something meaningful to you. Pray and move on. If you feel like she was disrespecting your faith by doing this, consider it God's issue, not yours.

    "I feel like I have every right to be angry. But another friend is telling me to be patient and that she is hurting which is causing her to act out. She says that it is "petty" to confront her. What do you guys think?" - I agree with your friend (and PPs here). You can be angry if you want, but I think a better use of your energy would be to forgive the BM, or at least forget about these non-issues.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    When you say she was late to the wedding, what was she late for? She clearly went to the wedding and stood up with you, right? She was at the pictures because you said she left early. So what was she two hours late for? 

    Bridesmaids are required to show up for pictures and the wedding itself. They are not required to get hair and makeup done, set up, or help you dress, or pray over you. 

    The only thing this women did wrong was sneak booze in to your wedding. Everything else you are being petty about..
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  • Knottie1444628447Knottie1444628447 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 
    So, to the first two bolded statements, seriously what kind of support does OP need on her wedding day? She's marrying the love of her life, not grieving. Support isn't something brides need, nor are bridesmaids responsible for.

    And to the second two statements, I'm sorry but this sounds incredibly condescending to me. She's her friend, not a child who needs to be scolded and reformed for bad behavior. Was the drinking wrong? Absolutely. But it is in no way OPs right to "flag" her friends behavior and have a "conversation" with her about it. Seriously, if her friend is upset and having a really hard time, the last thing she needs is someone lecturing her about it.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't understand all these people that need support on their wedding day from their friends. What do you need support doing? Please tell me. I am dying to know. 
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 

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  • nerdwifenerdwife member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Answer Name Dropper
    climbingwife said:
    I don't understand all these people that need support on their wedding day from their friends. What do you need support doing? Please tell me. I am dying to know. 
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 

    Uhhhh, I don't think she's a person people should be getting advice from on here. Check out her other responses... #mayday #dramaapproaching
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  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    climbingwife said:
    I don't understand all these people that need support on their wedding day from their friends. What do you need support doing? Please tell me. I am dying to know. 
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 

    Well, some of our wedding party did gather the rest of the wedding party and go get a bunch of shots to bring over to our sweetheart table and do shots with us.  We didn't request it, and we didn't need it, per se, but it was definitely really cool of them.

    And it would have been a pain in the ass, I guess, if my sister/MOH hadn't been there to hold my bouquet during the ceremony.

    But that's all I can think of.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    climbingwife said:
    I don't understand all these people that need support on their wedding day from their friends. What do you need support doing? Please tell me. I am dying to know. 
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 

    It's because people are confusing the terms support and celebrate and using them incorrectly.

    You support a friend who is grieving, gravely ill, struggling with depression, etc.

    You celebrate a friend's marriage, their new child, their graduation, etc.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 
    Please stop giving bad advice. PLEASE!
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    climbingwife said:
    I don't understand all these people that need support on their wedding day from their friends. What do you need support doing? Please tell me. I am dying to know. 
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Unlike most of the other responders I feel like you are justified in being upset and angry. 

    But is it because she didn't follow your rules at the wedding or because she lied and you felt unsupported? Is she always like this or just when she's having a bad time? 

    I think that an open conversation with her could be in order - non confrontational, just saying how you know shes having a hard time and you want to be there for her but you feel a little hurt to find out that she lied several times and wasn't as supportive as you hoped. 

    Do you just need some down time or do you want to end the friendship? Or do you want to keep it going and just want to clear the air. 

    Don't nit pick everything she did unless she asks when you talk to her - and you can say " I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but all of it together feels like a big deal to me" 

    If this is all new behaviour it sounds very destructive and she could use her friends - but a "get out of jail free" pass on bad behaviour isn't helpful. It might help her more to have a conversation about her behaviour - and try to see if theres some non-wedding behaviour to flag.

    Maybe there were some things that you did as well that made her feel unwelcome or unsupported during this obviously hard time and you both just need to calmly address your issues :) 

    It's because people are confusing the terms support and celebrate and using them incorrectly.

    You support a friend who is grieving, gravely ill, struggling with depression, etc.

    You celebrate a friend's marriage, their new child, their graduation, etc.
    I don't think the line is that wide between the words support and celebrate. Support doesn't have to be for only a negative thing. I'm not married yet, but aren't brides sometimes nervous or anxious? It's nice to have your friends there to say reassuring things, calm you down, and keep your spirits up while you're anticipating and going through a transformative emotional event. I'd call that supporting, not celebrating. I both supported and celebrated with my bride friends on their wedding days when I was in the WP.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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