Adult Reception Invitation Wording Dilemma

Knottie1440874670 · October 2015

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

aurianna · October 2015

The correct course of action is just putting the names of those invited on the envelope/inner envelope/invitation/however you are doing it.

HOWEVER, inviting a 16 year old but not their younger siblings is rude. You're breaking up a family.
To keep from being rude you either need to invite the younger siblings as well, or you need to change your cut-off to 18.
Then if there is a household with someone of 18, you send that person their own invitation and aren't obligated to invite the minors.

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie1440874670 said:

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

Use a cutesy poem.

Seriously, just address the invitation to the parties invited. Be aware, though, that some families will be offended if you invite their 17 year old daughter but you don't invite their 14 year old son & 10 year old daughter.

If the kids are reasonably close in age & all live in the same house, it's best to take an all-or-nothing approach w/ kids.

banana468 · October 2015

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1440874670 said:

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

Use a cutesy poem.

Seriously, just address the invitation to the parties invited. Be aware, though, that some families will be offended if you invite their 17 year old daughter but you don't invite their 14 year old son & 10 year old daughter.

If the kids are reasonably close in age & all live in the same house, it's best to take an all-or-nothing approach w/ kids.

This. It isn't against etiquette to have that cutoff but it opens the door for really hurt feelings especially with something arbitrarily chosen. Can you pick a cutoff like nieces and nephews or cousins?

downtondiva · October 2015

I agree with Banana. If you want to keep the number of kids under control, use some sort of family cutoff rather than an age cutoff. Using an arbitrary age could cause both hard feelings and logistical headaches for your guests. People are much more likely to understand if you invite children from your family but not theirs than they if you invite their 16 year old and not their 13 year old.

And none of this should be on the invitations. They are intended to invite someone to your wedding, not explain to them who is or isn't included.

redoryx · October 2015

You keep talking about the wedding reception, so I just want to clarify -- you aren't having kids under 16 at all, right? Like, they aren't even invited to the ceremony either. (Which is okay, but sometimes brides will invite younger kids to the ceremony but not the reception and that's not okay.)

SP29 · October 2015

Agree about not using an age cut-off.

I think it creates more problems than it is worth. A host should not split up a family (i.e. invite the 16 year old but not the younger children). In this case, invite all the kids, or none.

Besides not splitting up families, children are their own invite- you can invite some kids but not others.

Inviting in circles is recommended as a way to smooth feelings and borders, but this usually means children of immediate family invited vs. children of friends, not picking a random age.

As for your invites, you list who is invited. A couple is listed on one line, joined by "and". Any children invited would be listed on separate lines below their parents, no joining words such as "and".

For example:

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

Jack Smith

Jill Smith

You should never state who isn't invited, nor is it appropriate to state "Adults only" anywhere. If a guest RSVPs with more than you invited, you'll need to call them up and explain, "I am sorry John but the invite was only for you and Jane".

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

banana468 said:

Knottie1440874670 said:

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

Use a cutesy poem.

Seriously, just address the invitation to the parties invited. Be aware, though, that some families will be offended if you invite their 17 year old daughter but you don't invite their 14 year old son & 10 year old daughter.

If the kids are reasonably close in age & all live in the same house, it's best to take an all-or-nothing approach w/ kids.
This. It isn't against etiquette to have that cutoff but it opens the door for really hurt feelings especially with something arbitrarily chosen. Can you pick a cutoff like nieces and nephews or cousins?

Sure it is. It's against etiquette to split up families. Anyone under the age of 18, as per etiquette, is a social unit with their parents. So inviting the parents and the 16 year old, but not the younger siblings would be the definition of splitting the family.

This is why I say invite in circles- either just invite the parents and no kids, or invite them all.

What is the rationale for this arbitrary age cutoff anyways?

banana468 · October 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1440874670 said:

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

Use a cutesy poem.

Seriously, just address the invitation to the parties invited. Be aware, though, that some families will be offended if you invite their 17 year old daughter but you don't invite their 14 year old son & 10 year old daughter.

If the kids are reasonably close in age & all live in the same house, it's best to take an all-or-nothing approach w/ kids.
This. It isn't against etiquette to have that cutoff but it opens the door for really hurt feelings especially with something arbitrarily chosen. Can you pick a cutoff like nieces and nephews or cousins?

Sure it is. It's against etiquette to split up families. Anyone under the age of 18, as per etiquette, is a social unit with their parents. So inviting the parents and the 16 year old, but not the younger siblings would be the definition of splitting the family.

This is why I say invite in circles- either just invite the parents and no kids, or invite them all.

What is the rationale for this arbitrary age cutoff anyways?

I don't know that it's against etiquette as a rule.

Example: DH has a large amount of cousins. One aunt and uncle had 12. Some were minors at the time we got married and others were adults. You can't compare a 12 yo to her 36 you brother.

I also don't agree with comparing a 12 yo to his college aged sister. The 12 yo is a social unit with his parents but the older sister is not. And like it or not, there are going to be some events that are more appropriate for older vs. younger.

I agree that doing this CAN be rude but in some families with vast age differences between siblings I don't think you can say it's all or nothing.

If you can show me a source that differs though I'll definitely change my tune.

aurianna · October 2015

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

Sure it is. It's against etiquette to split up families. Anyone under the age of 18, as per etiquette, is a social unit with their parents. So inviting the parents and the 16 year old, but not the younger siblings would be the definition of splitting the family.

This is why I say invite in circles- either just invite the parents and no kids, or invite them all.

What is the rationale for this arbitrary age cutoff anyways?
I don't know that it's against etiquette as a rule. Example: DH has a large amount of cousins. One aunt and uncle had 12. Some were minors at the time we got married and others were adults. You can't compare a 12 yo to her 36 you brother. I also don't agree with comparing a 12 yo to his college aged sister. The 12 yo is a social unit with his parents but the older sister is not. And like it or not, there are going to be some events that are more appropriate for older vs. younger. I agree that doing this CAN be rude but in some families with vast age differences between siblings I don't think you can say it's all or nothing. If you can show me a source that differs though I'll definitely change my tune.

But your examples are both children/teenagers vs adults. She specifically called out siblings under 18. I think we're all in agreement that it's a different story when you're talking an adult sibling who would get his/her own invitation.

(even still... for my wedding we didn't invite children. I invited my 21, 28 and 32 year cousins all from one family, but I got b*tched out by my uncle for not also inviting his 14 year old son. So even when it's not against etiquette, it can still upset people).

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie1440874670 said:

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

Use a cutesy poem.

Seriously, just address the invitation to the parties invited. Be aware, though, that some families will be offended if you invite their 17 year old daughter but you don't invite their 14 year old son & 10 year old daughter.

If the kids are reasonably close in age & all live in the same house, it's best to take an all-or-nothing approach w/ kids.
This. It isn't against etiquette to have that cutoff but it opens the door for really hurt feelings especially with something arbitrarily chosen. Can you pick a cutoff like nieces and nephews or cousins?

Sure it is. It's against etiquette to split up families. Anyone under the age of 18, as per etiquette, is a social unit with their parents. So inviting the parents and the 16 year old, but not the younger siblings would be the definition of splitting the family.

This is why I say invite in circles- either just invite the parents and no kids, or invite them all.

What is the rationale for this arbitrary age cutoff anyways?
I don't know that it's against etiquette as a rule. I've been on these boards for 3 years or so now and many, many times it has been stated that splitting up families is rude.

Example: DH has a large amount of cousins. One aunt and uncle had 12. Some were minors at the time we got married and others were adults. You can't compare a 12 yo to her 36 you brother. I wasn't. As per the etiquette rules cited here, adult children- anyone over 18- are supposed to get their own invitation. Minor children- anyone under 18- are a social unit with their parents and should be on their invitation. So in this situation where the OP wants to invite the 16 year old- minor- but not the other minors in the family, that's a breach of etiquette and splitting up the family, as per hte rules cited here.

I also don't agree with comparing a 12 yo to his college aged sister. The 12 yo is a social unit with his parents but the older sister is not. And like it or not, there are going to be some events that are more appropriate for older vs. younger. I agree that doing this CAN be rude but in some families with vast age differences between siblings I don't think you can say it's all or nothing. If you can show me a source that differs though I'll definitely change my tune.

I say this all the time when this comes up- Personally, yes I think it's rude and still splitting up a family by inviting the parents and adult children, but not the minor children. I don't care that it isn't technically against etiquette nor what individual family dynamics might be, from a rational, no emotions, purely numbers standpoint if you are inviting 4 out of a 5 person family, you are splitting that family up. Period.

And I don't think that's typically a good idea because of emotional and family dynamic issues. It's better to invite in circles, and not use arbitrary age cut offs or etiquette technicalities.

ETA: I'm not picking on banana, I'm just saying that based on what I have seen posted here on the subject, "we" say splitting up families is rude and in this instance I think it would be a case of doing that.

banana468 · October 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

mileybangerz said:

Knottie1440874670 said:

My fiancé and I as well as our families have mutually agreed that we will have a 16 years old and older cutoff for our wedding reception. We do have a couple of close family that have a few children with only one being 16 years old and the rest are younger and therefore won't be invited to our wedding reception. How do we word this on our envelopes the correct way without offending? For example: Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Matt Smith? Then just not putting the younger kids names on the envelope? Would it be more appropriate to just not invite those children at all even though they are older than 16?

Use a cutesy poem.

Seriously, just address the invitation to the parties invited. Be aware, though, that some families will be offended if you invite their 17 year old daughter but you don't invite their 14 year old son & 10 year old daughter.

If the kids are reasonably close in age & all live in the same house, it's best to take an all-or-nothing approach w/ kids.
This. It isn't against etiquette to have that cutoff but it opens the door for really hurt feelings especially with something arbitrarily chosen. Can you pick a cutoff like nieces and nephews or cousins?

Sure it is. It's against etiquette to split up families. Anyone under the age of 18, as per etiquette, is a social unit with their parents. So inviting the parents and the 16 year old, but not the younger siblings would be the definition of splitting the family.

This is why I say invite in circles- either just invite the parents and no kids, or invite them all.

What is the rationale for this arbitrary age cutoff anyways?

I don't know that it's against etiquette as a rule.

I've been on these boards for 3 years or so now and many, many times it has been stated that splitting up families is rude.

Example: DH has a large amount of cousins. One aunt and uncle had 12. Some were minors at the time we got married and others were adults. You can't compare a 12 yo to her 36 you brother. I wasn't. As per the etiquette rules cited here, adult children- anyone over 18- are supposed to get their own invitation. Minor children- anyone under 18- are a social unit with their parents and should be on their invitation. So in this situation where the OP wants to invite the 16 year old- minor- but not the other minors in the family, that's a breach of etiquette and splitting up the family, as per hte rules cited here.

I also don't agree with comparing a 12 yo to his college aged sister. The 12 yo is a social unit with his parents but the older sister is not. And like it or not, there are going to be some events that are more appropriate for older vs. younger.

I agree that doing this CAN be rude but in some families with vast age differences between siblings I don't think you can say it's all or nothing.

If you can show me a source that differs though I'll definitely change my tune.

I say this all the time when this comes up- Personally, yes I think it's rude and still splitting up a family by inviting the parents and adult children, but not the minor children. I don't care that it isn't technically against etiquette nor what individual family dynamics, from a rationale, no emotions, purely numbers standpoint if you are inviting 4 out of a 5 person family, you are splitting that family up. Period. And I don't think that's typically a good idea because of emotional and family dynamic issues. It's better to invite in circles, and not use arbitrary age cut offs or etiquette technicalities.

I do agree that it's better to invite in circles.

But using the upset uncle example doesn't really hold. Plenty of things can be done that are in the bounds of etiquette that upset others.

Using the "I've been on the boards" line doesn't really hold either. For a time people tried to argue that BFing infants were exempt from adult reception rules and other times people agreed that it was OK to invite guests to a shower for a DW if they were only invited to the AHR. My point being that group think does not equal an etiquette rule.

I do agree that it's best to avoid splitting a family whenever possible. But I also don't agree that a 16 yo and her 4 yo sister should be lumped into the same category. I will fully own that is JMO though.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

So responding based on the consensus opinion of the boards is now group think? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe people used to cite from Miss Manners when talking about not splitting up families and the "rule" that minor children are a social unit with their parents for the purposes of invitations? I just don't care to go looking up citations for something I thought was pretty straightforward.

Yes, there are plenty of times when common sense and common courtesy diverge from the etiquette "rules"- such as breastfeeding infants and adult weddings, and I'm pretty vocal about where I think those divergences are and what my opinions are, lol.

aurianna · October 2015

banana468 said:

I do agree that it's better to invite in circles. But using the upset uncle example doesn't really hold. Plenty of things can be done that are in the bounds of etiquette that upset others. Using the "I've been on the boards" line doesn't really hold either. For a time people tried to argue that BFing infants were exempt from adult reception rules and other times people agreed that it was OK to invite guests to a shower for a DW if they were only invited to the AHR. My point being that group think does not equal an etiquette rule. I do agree that it's best to avoid splitting a family whenever possible. But I also don't agree that a 16 yo and her 4 yo sister should be lumped into the same category. I will fully own that is JMO though.

It's sort of like what we say about relationships... where is the line? There isn't one. The bride shouldn't pick an arbitrary timeline to quantify a "serious relationship." If they say they're in a relationship they are.

In an example of a 4yo vs a 16yo... ok that fits under your arbitrary line. What about an 8yo and a 15yo. What about a 10yo and a 14yo. What about a 17yo and a 13yo. Which are ok?

In the US at least we have a nice, hard, legal line. Over 18 means adult. Under 18 means a minor and still a ward of the parents. If they're under 18 they are all children and all part of the same family unit.

Messing with the legal adult/child line and splitting up minors in an arbitrary fashion I definitely thing tiptoes on or crosses the etiquette line.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

Minors are NOT "a social unit with their parents"!!! They are a social unit with Each Other. You can invite parents and not invite their children, therefore the children are NOT a social unit with their parents. A six year old brother and 10 year old sister are social units with Each Other.

banana468 · October 2015

aurianna said:

banana468 said:

I do agree that it's better to invite in circles. But using the upset uncle example doesn't really hold. Plenty of things can be done that are in the bounds of etiquette that upset others. Using the "I've been on the boards" line doesn't really hold either. For a time people tried to argue that BFing infants were exempt from adult reception rules and other times people agreed that it was OK to invite guests to a shower for a DW if they were only invited to the AHR. My point being that group think does not equal an etiquette rule. I do agree that it's best to avoid splitting a family whenever possible. But I also don't agree that a 16 yo and her 4 yo sister should be lumped into the same category. I will fully own that is JMO though.

It's sort of like what we say about relationships... where is the line? There isn't one. The bride shouldn't pick an arbitrary timeline to quantify a "serious relationship." If they say they're in a relationship they are.

In an example of a 4yo vs a 16yo... ok that fits under your arbitrary line. What about an 8yo and a 15yo. What about a 10yo and a 14yo. What about a 17yo and a 13yo. Which are ok?

In the US at least we have a nice, hard, legal line. Over 18 means adult. Under 18 means a minor and still a ward of the parents. If they're under 18 they are all children and all part of the same family unit.

Messing with the legal adult/child line and splitting up minors in an arbitrary fashion I definitely thing tiptoes on or crosses the etiquette line.

That's what I'm arguing. The 16 yo is also close in age to the 18 yo.

My point is that the etiquette of the age cutoff and inviting families is really tricky. And in most cases, it's just easier to go for circles vs. an age or even minors vs. adults.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

banana468 said:

aurianna said:

banana468 said:

I do agree that it's better to invite in circles. But using the upset uncle example doesn't really hold. Plenty of things can be done that are in the bounds of etiquette that upset others. Using the "I've been on the boards" line doesn't really hold either. For a time people tried to argue that BFing infants were exempt from adult reception rules and other times people agreed that it was OK to invite guests to a shower for a DW if they were only invited to the AHR. My point being that group think does not equal an etiquette rule. I do agree that it's best to avoid splitting a family whenever possible. But I also don't agree that a 16 yo and her 4 yo sister should be lumped into the same category. I will fully own that is JMO though.

It's sort of like what we say about relationships... where is the line? There isn't one. The bride shouldn't pick an arbitrary timeline to quantify a "serious relationship." If they say they're in a relationship they are.

In an example of a 4yo vs a 16yo... ok that fits under your arbitrary line. What about an 8yo and a 15yo. What about a 10yo and a 14yo. What about a 17yo and a 13yo. Which are ok?

In the US at least we have a nice, hard, legal line. Over 18 means adult. Under 18 means a minor and still a ward of the parents. If they're under 18 they are all children and all part of the same family unit.

Messing with the legal adult/child line and splitting up minors in an arbitrary fashion I definitely thing tiptoes on or crosses the etiquette line.

That's what I'm arguing. The 16 yo is also close in age to the 18 yo.

My point is that the etiquette of the age cutoff and inviting families is really tricky. And in most cases, it's just easier to go for circles vs. an age or even minors vs. adults.

That's what I was saying!!!!

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

adk19 said:

Minors are NOT "a social unit with their parents"!!! They are a social unit with Each Other. You can invite parents and not invite their children, therefore the children are NOT a social unit with their parents. A six year old brother and 10 year old sister are social units with Each Other.

Ok, so then what's the rationale of including minor children on their parents' invitations and not sending them a separate invitation? Is it because it's ok to just send an invitation to the family?

Well one of the definitions of a family is a "basic social unit comprised of parents and their children." Lol!

Family, social unit, whatever. . . it should be obvious by now that it's just easier and more rational to invite and circles ;-)

aurianna · October 2015

adk19 said:

Minors are NOT "a social unit with their parents"!!! They are a social unit with Each Other. You can invite parents and not invite their children, therefore the children are NOT a social unit with their parents. A six year old brother and 10 year old sister are social units with Each Other.

I said family unit, not social unit.
I was not trying to imply that kids are part of the social unit and always need to be invited if the parents are; I have never been a proponent of that and did not invite minors to my own wedding.

I thought my point was pretty clear that I meant kids under 18 are a package deal with each other and once you invite one you should invite them all.

But I guess if I wasn't clear and it sounded like I meant kids should always be invited with their parents, then thanks for helping me clarify.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

adk19 said:

Minors are NOT "a social unit with their parents"!!! They are a social unit with Each Other. You can invite parents and not invite their children, therefore the children are NOT a social unit with their parents. A six year old brother and 10 year old sister are social units with Each Other.

Ok, so then what's the rationale of including minor children on their parents' invitations and not sending them a separate invitation? Is it because it's ok to just send an invitation to the family?

Well one of the definitions of a family is a "basic social unit comprised of parents and their children." Lol!

Family, social unit, whatever. . . it should be obvious by now that it's just easier and more rational to invite and circles ;-)

A single adult is their own social unit.

A dating/married couple is a social unit with each other. You CANNOT invite one to a social event without inviting the other.

With kids I think it gets a little confusing. Because a 6 year old can be invited to a birthday party of a 6 year old friend without the 10 year old sibling being invited. But you also can invite the parents to the event and not the children, so they are not necessarily in the same social unit.

I just want people to watch their wording when saying that kids are Always in a social unit with their parents because that is not necessarily true in every situation.

I'll probably invite all children of family and maybe some children of friends. But I'm not going to be drawing arbitrary lines of 16 and older or 12 and older. My lines will be whether or not I want to invite the person/people regardless of who they are related to.

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