Tiered Reception

[Deleted User] · October 2015

From the responses I’ve been reading, I see that people have strong opinions about tiered receptions favoring both sides of the issue.

We’re getting married and having our reception in the same building. Guest will only have to climb stairs to the ballroom and grab a drink. The cocktails, appetizers and music will begin as soon as the ceremony ends so there is a seamless transition.

We’re having a short ceremony somewhere around 30-45 minutes. The room we’re having the ceremony in can hold a maximum of 100 guests, there is no wiggle room on that number.

My fiancé’s family is very large, and so between his side of the family and close friends, we easily cap the 100 we’re allotted for the ceremony.

The ballroom where the reception will take place is much larger. There are people who we can’t fit onto the 100 guest ceremony list that we’d like to invite to be part of this. We don’t expect gifts from those people, only for them to have a great time with good food, music and an open bar.

The people we’ve been considering inviting to just the reception are mostly work friends and friends of my fiancé who are guys that really would prefer to skip the ceremony part if given the choice.

I have people telling me it’s not a big deal and I can do whatever I want. I have people telling me it’s rude and people telling me they’d prefer to be invited to just a reception….in the land of etiquette are there absolutes of RIGHT and WRONG in this situation?

AddieCake · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:

From the responses I’ve been reading, I see that people have strong opinions about tiered receptions favoring both sides of the issue.

We’re getting married and having our reception in the same building. Guest will only have to climb stairs to the ballroom and grab a drink. The cocktails, appetizers and music will begin as soon as the ceremony ends so there is a seamless transition.

We’re having a short ceremony somewhere around 30-45 minutes. The room we’re having the ceremony in can hold a maximum of 100 guests, there is no wiggle room on that number.

My fiancé’s family is very large, and so between his side of the family and close friends, we easily cap the 100 we’re allotted for the ceremony.

The ballroom where the reception will take place is much larger. There are people who we can’t fit onto the 100 guest ceremony list that we’d like to invite to be part of this. We don’t expect gifts from those people, only for them to have a great time with good food, music and an open bar.

The people we’ve been considering inviting to just the reception are mostly work friends and friends of my fiancé who are guys that really would prefer to skip the ceremony part if given the choice.

I have people telling me it’s not a big deal and I can do whatever I want. I have people telling me it’s rude and people telling me they’d prefer to be invited to just a reception….in the land of etiquette are there absolutes of RIGHT and WRONG in this situation?

That's rude unless you have a TINY guest list for the ceremony. It is rude to invite a bunch of people to a ceremony and then a larger bunch to the reception. 100 people is far from tiny, so doing that would be rude as hell.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:

From the responses I’ve been reading, I see that people have strong opinions about tiered receptions favoring both sides of the issue.

We’re getting married and having our reception in the same building. Guest will only have to climb stairs to the ballroom and grab a drink. The cocktails, appetizers and music will begin as soon as the ceremony ends so there is a seamless transition.

We’re having a short ceremony somewhere around 30-45 minutes. The room we’re having the ceremony in can hold a maximum of 100 guests, there is no wiggle room on that number.

My fiancé’s family is very large, and so between his side of the family and close friends, we easily cap the 100 we’re allotted for the ceremony.

The ballroom where the reception will take place is much larger. There are people who we can’t fit onto the 100 guest ceremony list that we’d like to invite to be part of this. We don’t expect gifts from those people, only for them to have a great time with good food, music and an open bar.

The people we’ve been considering inviting to just the reception are mostly work friends and friends of my fiancé who are guys that really would prefer to skip the ceremony part if given the choice.

I have people telling me it’s not a big deal and I can do whatever I want. I have people telling me it’s rude and people telling me they’d prefer to be invited to just a reception….in the land of etiquette are there absolutes of RIGHT and WRONG in this situation?

There is, and it's wrong (in the Western tradition, of course, before we get back into that debate).

Do not do this. More importantly, do not do this to your colleagues.

People understand when they're not invited to a wedding, particularly if you mention "oh, I'm having so much trouble fitting the family into the venue capacity" when they try to ask. People do not understand when they're treated as second string, and will judge or hold it against you. Particularly colleagues, who you don't know as well as family (and therefore can't definitively say they won't care), and who can give you a bad reference or something later on if they hold a grudge. I'd be very careful about that.

redoryx · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:

From the responses I’ve been reading, I see that people have strong opinions about tiered receptions favoring both sides of the issue.

We’re getting married and having our reception in the same building. Guest will only have to climb stairs to the ballroom and grab a drink. The cocktails, appetizers and music will begin as soon as the ceremony ends so there is a seamless transition.

We’re having a short ceremony somewhere around 30-45 minutes. The room we’re having the ceremony in can hold a maximum of 100 guests, there is no wiggle room on that number.

My fiancé’s family is very large, and so between his side of the family and close friends, we easily cap the 100 we’re allotted for the ceremony.

The ballroom where the reception will take place is much larger. There are people who we can’t fit onto the 100 guest ceremony list that we’d like to invite to be part of this. We don’t expect gifts from those people, only for them to have a great time with good food, music and an open bar.

The people we’ve been considering inviting to just the reception are mostly work friends and friends of my fiancé who are guys that really would prefer to skip the ceremony part if given the choice.

I have people telling me it’s not a big deal and I can do whatever I want. I have people telling me it’s rude and people telling me they’d prefer to be invited to just a reception….in the land of etiquette are there absolutes of RIGHT and WRONG in this situation?

Yes, there are absolute rules of right and wrong and the only right way to have a smaller ceremony is if it's very tiny, as Addie said. Just because your CAN fit more into the reception space doesn't mean you should, especially if you have close to 100 people attending the ceremony.

So you either need to 1) cap the ENTIRE guest list at the 100 who are invited to both 2) do a private/very tiny ceremony and invite a very select few or 3) find a new space.

Also, I don't consider 30-45 minutes to be a short ceremony. I consider that a pretty standard ceremony length. 10 minutes is short.

Jen4948 · October 2015

While etiquette doesn't technically prohibit inviting people to the reception but not the ceremony, it's not really considerate of them either. The point of a "reception" after the ceremony is to thank those who attended, so inviting someone to a thank-you for attending an event they're not invited to can feel to them like a slap in the face.

AddieCake · October 2015

Exactly. I don't know why people lose their damned minds and manners when it comes to weddings and treating people properly when you know they wouldn't pull this shit at other events/occasions.

STARMOON44 · October 2015

What have you even been reading?!? This is black and white. You cannot invite 100 people to your ceremony and then more just to the reception. You could either invite everyone to both, or a very small group to the ceremony and everyone to the reception. There's no dispute- your plan as it sounds now is rude and unacceptable.

climbingsingle · October 2015

It is absolutely 100% wrong to have a tiered reception.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

Wow, I will rethink posting in these forums from now on. People talk about manners but are pretty rude and aggressive when responding online. Learned my lesson!

lyndausvi · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:

I have people telling me it’s not a big deal and I can do whatever I want. I have people telling me it’s rude and people telling me they’d prefer to be invited to just a reception….in the land of etiquette are there absolutes of RIGHT and WRONG in this situation?

You asked this question. YOU. You were given answers. Nothing rude going here.

AddieCake · October 2015

Yes, we are pretty aggressive at trying to stop people from making blunders at their weddings. It's kind of the whole point of these forums. Being told the truth makes you want to leave? We'll try to soldier on without you.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

I got it everyone. Thank you for the feedback. I would the delete the post if I knew how. Don't worry, I won't be back.

banana468 · October 2015

I don't understand the desire to tune out those telling you that something is rude. If it's deleted does this go out of your mind so it goes back to being OK?

lyndausvi · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:

I got it everyone. Thank you for the feedback. I would the delete the post if I knew how. Don't worry, I won't be back.

once someone has replied to a thread, they can not be deleted.

I think you should stick around. Just because we are not all puppies and rainbows and agree with every poster doesn't mean we do not have a lot to offer. We tell you what family and friends often don't. Yet, those same family/friends will complain behind your back, vote on polls or contribute to articles on what makes a bad wedding.

We try and keep couples' weddings from being in the worse wedding breeches articles.

STARMOON44 · October 2015

"Hey guys, is this rude?"

"Yes."

"OMG I never should have asked why are you so mean."

redoryx · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:

Wow, I will rethink posting in these forums from now on. People talk about manners but are pretty rude and aggressive when responding online. Learned my lesson!

Who was rude and aggressive?

You asked a question. We gave you answers. If you didn't want advice and instead just wanted validation, you shouldn't have asked. Never ask a question you aren't prepared to have answered.

Lizzieyounce · October 2015

If y'all want to invite co-workers etc, why not just have the ceremony in the ballroom? Have the chairs arranged at the tables to where those that would be facing away from the ceremony space (altar? arch? platform?) are facing the ceremonial space. People can mingle for cocktails after the ceremony while pics are done, and all they'll have to do is simply turn their chairs back to the table when dinner etc is being served.

ETA:words

banana468 · October 2015

Lizzieyounce said:
If y'all want to invite co-workers etc, why not just have the ceremony in the ballroom? Have the chairs arranged at the tables to where those that would be facing away from the ceremony space (altar? arch? platform?) are facing the ceremonial space. People can mingle for cocktails after the ceremony while pics are done, and all they'll have to do is simply turn their chairs back to the table when dinner etc is being served.

ETA:words

Great idea!

AddieCake · October 2015

I'm sure it was me who was rude and aggressive. My swears are melting all the little snowflakes today.

photokitty · October 2015

I was going to suggest, have the ceremony in the big ballroom, then have cocktail half-hour in the smaller one if it can accommodate the guest count since you don't have to have a seat for butt for a short cocktail hour, while they flip the room for dinner service.

Or cap the whole thing at 100.

drunkenwitch · October 2015

TheFreshwaterDame said:
I got it everyone. Thank you for the feedback. I would the delete the post if I knew how. Don't worry, I won't be back.

Oh don't worry honey, you are a special unique snowflake and therefore basic rules of manners in no way apply to YOU because your situation is totes different than any of us mere mortals and you can totes do whatever you want because only you matter.

Is that what you needed to hear? Everything I just typed is of course complete bullshit but if you need to, you can pretend it's actual validation.

jacques27 · October 2015

Do the math programs in the US (assuming this is US) just suck that badly now with No Child Left Behind? What is up with all of the basic math fail lately across numerous boards.

If you have 150 people you want to invite, you need a room that holds at least 150 people. Period. If you decide to botch your planning and put the cart before the horse by getting the room first before figuring out how many people you want to invite, then you only get to invite the number of people who can fit in the room. A wedding consists of a ceremony and reception and, while called two names, are one cohesive event. So if your room for the ceremony can only fit 100 people, you only get to have 100 people come to your wedding (ceremony and reception). It's basic math. You don't get to make up for your poor planning skills and math fail by being rude to your friends and family.

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

This is probably one of the tamest threads I've ever seen and OP GBCKs us!

mileybangerz · October 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

This is probably one of the tamest threads I've ever seen and OP GBCKs us!

She did?

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

mileybangerz said:

OliveOilsMom said:

This is probably one of the tamest threads I've ever seen and OP GBCKs us!

She did?

She said she will never be back. I call that a GBCK.

mileybangerz · October 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

mileybangerz said:

OliveOilsMom said:

This is probably one of the tamest threads I've ever seen and OP GBCKs us!

She did?

She said she will never be back. I call that a GBCK.

Ohhh, I thought you were referring to a more grand exit.

southernbelle0915 · October 2015

If you think this thread is mean and terrible, it'd probably be best to lurk a bit more. The responses are helpful and super tame.

Plus you got two really good options that would make this etiquette approved:

1) have a tiny ceremony - like immediate family only - and then host a huge reception in the ballroom
OR
2) have the ceremony in the ballroom itself to accommodate everyone.

I fail to see how everyone is mean for taking time out of their days to help a stranger.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

The first thing I thought when you mentioned a bigger space was... "why don't they just have the whole thing in the bigger space" Problem solved.. I do not see an issue.. Yes guests will see the event staff moving things around but ..so? I've personally been to a tiered reception and people WERE pissed. Rather or not they said it to the couple I do not know. I can tell you there was a lot of off handed comments behind their backs. Don't do it. Also why did you ask if you didn't want to hear what people had to say... Its not ok. It is rude no matter the reasoning. Sorry if your feelings got hurt but what really did you expect?

Heffalump · October 2015

All excellent points above. I would just like to add that your wedding, while presumably lovely, is probably not the social event of the season. People won't be despondent and dejected if they aren't invited. People are rational, they know that venues don't have infinite capacity, and that not everyone can be invited to everything. Inviting people to come rolling in after the ceremony, to thank them for attending the ceremony (which they didn't), is unnecessary. Plus it really does create the whole second-tier mentality, which I'm assuming you'd like to avoid. Invite the number of guests your venue can hold (including you, your FS, and your vendors) and call it a day.

If you want to get together with coworkers (or anyone else), throw a dinner party, a NYE party, or anything else (non-wedding related).

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

OliveOilsMom said:

This is probably one of the tamest threads I've ever seen and OP GBCKs us!

Yeah, I'm very confused.

OP, you asked a question and people responded. What was said that made you think people were being rude and aggressive? I think you were reading a certain tone into posts that is just not there, and it ruffled your butt.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

OliveOilsMom said:

This is probably one of the tamest threads I've ever seen and OP GBCKs us!

Yeah, I'm very confused.

OP, you asked a question and people responded. What was said that made you think people were being rude and aggressive? I think you were reading a certain tone into posts that is just not there, and it ruffled your butt.

You guys didn't tell them that their situation is COMPLETELY different than the 5 other tiered reception discussions, when it so clearly is: Venue restrictions, FI list being larger than theirs..

OP, is there a space that you can use for cocktail hour that the vendor can flip the room? Are we talking like 5 people or 50? 5 I am sure that there are some cuts that can be made to make all the guests under 100. Invite only close kids, then only couples of families with kids that you don't know the kids, not having space is a reasonable reason to not invite kids you have no attachment to except knowing their parents.

Where are you at in the planning, did you pick this venue then decide on the guest list? This is why they say to pick the guests, then the venue. you got some good responses, and if you gave us more information I am sure people on here can come up with a creative solution..

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