How long did it take you to feel wedding excitement?

Re: How long did it take you to feel wedding excitement?

• CMGragain member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  
  
  

  100yroldblinddog said:

  Hey there! Sorta newbie here looking for encouragement. My back story is that I struggle with some depression and anxiety, which will likely be pretty apparent in the next paragraph:

  
  

  My wedding is in about 7 months. During the course of planning, I've felt some excitement as we've checked off certain awesome things (booking the venue, picking the cake, etc.), but when anyone asks me if I'm getting excited these days, I lie and say yes. I'm completely not, even though there's still more planning to do and there's no rush. For example, my dress just came in and when I tried it on (by myself), I absolutely hated how I looked. In fact, I feel like I'm going to look disgusting on my wedding day. 

  
  

  I'm not sure if it was the gown setback or what, but even though FI and my relationship is pretty amazing, I just can't get excited yet. I'm hoping that I'll get pumped when the date gets close, but I'm wondering if any of you went though the same?

  Are you under a doctor's care?  I have been taking medication for severe depression for about 33 years, and it changed my life.
  
  It sounds like the dress thing triggered a spiral.  Give it a couple of weeks, and try again.  You might feel different about the dress by then.  If not, sell it and buy something you like better.  This is an easy fix.
  
  I think your expectations for wedding excitement are too high.  Have you been watching bridal porn TV, like SYTTD?  If you are, STOP!!!!  All those so-called reality shows are complete fantasy.  Real life weddings have all sorts of ups and downs.  This is normal.
  
  I would like you to repeat this mantra to yourself every night before you go to sleep.  "There is no such thing as a perfect wedding.  There is no such thing as a perfect wedding."
  
  Do check with your doctor.  This could be a medical issue.  You are in my prayers tonight.
  
  PS.  My wedding day was pure hell, but I have had a long and happy marriage.  That is what is most important.
  

  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  I wholeheartedly agree with the PP on all of her points!  Turn off the Pinterest, bridal magazines, and "Wedding Porn" and just plan the day you want!  Excitement comes in different forms to different people.  Not everyone is through the roof happy/excited like the magazines/SYTTD/etc. set you up to be.  That's just not real.  I didn't really get to be excited or enjoy the day until about 10:30 on our wedding night after most of the guests had taken off (our venue was out in the sticks but really NBD because it was a long day at that point) when I finally had a moment to look at my reflection in the window at our venue and say "wow!". 

  When it comes to the dress, even if your wedding was Saturday, I'd say "time to be a two-dress bride!" if you truly don't love your dress and feel that way in it!  I say this because if you aren't in love with how you look in it now you aren't likely to be in love with it then. Obviously, in a few weeks go back with someone who's your VIP through thick and thin person, try it on with the proper undergarments, shoes, tiara, veil, etc. have them tack any areas that might need alterations so you see it in the mirror close as possible to how it'll look on "the day" and if you still don't get that tingly feeling, start over even if it means reducing your budget in other areas until the first gown sells.

  Backstory: I was pressured into getting my dress, and HATED everything about it - but I was so self-conscious about my size back then, and that was back in the day when it was considered tacky to get a second dress or different dress and either be a two dress bride or sell the one you don't want to wear.  If I could go back and do anything over from our wedding, that would have been it because it sets the tone for everything else.  For our 10th Anniversary, I went online and looked for a dress that I saw it and said "this is it!" without trying it on (I'm plus-size, so I'm used to not being able to go to the store and try anything on, and most bridal stores except David's never have formalwear in my size and I knew roughly want I wanted)...  I got the dress, ended up purchasing a sash for it, and got "that feeling" I'd so missed with my wedding gown.  The funny part of the story is, I never actually got to wear it because DH changed the plans for the day I was to wear it and if I wanted dinner I didn't have time to put it on, but anyway, I at least got to have "the feeling" all the same, and was worth every penny (he asked me if I wanted to wear it this year - and I was like - yea - on what planet, it doesn't fit anymore!).. 

  Good luck!  Realize it's o.k. to feel what you're feeling, but most of all, be honest with people!  If you aren't feeling excited, don't lie about it, find some detail that you are excited about (say - marrying your FI for example) and stick with that.  "I'm excited to be marrying my FI, but this other stuff just doesn't do it for me!" is an o.k. answer if that's truly what you feel!  It's o.k. to be honest because it helps bring people on to support you through the process instead of it being a lonely one that doesn't meet expectations that others put in place. Remember that people can't read your mind to know you're struggling unless you tell them, and by gosh if any of my friends getting married said they were having a rough go at things, I'd be there in a heartbeat for them to help them up, but without knowing, people just tend to back off because they think you've got it handled...

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• 100yroldblinddog member

  

  October 2015

  Thanks to both of you for the support, I really do appreciate it. It helps to know other people 'get it'.

  
  

  Buying the dress was the result of trying on a few and thinking the dress I bought is amazing (knowing I'd hate anything on me), which works well because there's no way I can fit another dress in this budget. I am under a doc's care tinkering with meds, but I would venture that we haven't established the right combo just yet.

  
  

  I am guilty of watching some wedding porn (one can only take so many $10K budgets on SYTTD though), but I think it's more like that my being so down is due to stuff I didn't get into in my original post relating to balancing full-time work, part time school (that isn't going great), and trying to get into a very competitive grad school program (and trying to keep my chin up with every rejection I receive). 

  
  

  You're right to suggest that I speak honestly with my friends, but I do feel guilty bothering my close friends when they have little ones because this seems pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things, even though I know they'd be very supportive if they knew what was going on.

  
  

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• nerdwife member

  

  October 2015

  100yroldblinddog said:

  Thanks to both of you for the support, I really do appreciate it. It helps to know other people 'get it'.

  
  

  Buying the dress was the result of trying on a few and thinking the dress I bought is amazing (knowing I'd hate anything on me), which works well because there's no way I can fit another dress in this budget. I am under a doc's care tinkering with meds, but I would venture that we haven't established the right combo just yet.

  
  

  I am guilty of watching some wedding porn (one can only take so many $10K budgets on SYTTD though), but I think it's more like that my being so down is due to stuff I didn't get into in my original post relating to balancing full-time work, part time school (that isn't going great), and trying to get into a very competitive grad school program (and trying to keep my chin up with every rejection I receive). 

  
  

  You're right to suggest that I speak honestly with my friends, but I do feel guilty bothering my close friends when they have little ones because this seems pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things, even though I know they'd be very supportive if they knew what was going on.

  Hi! Sorry you're struggling with all of this - dealing with the job and school situation sounds really hard, and I'm sure wedding planning is no picnic on top of it. As someone who also struggles with mental illness, I know how any one of those things can be stressful on its own.

  
  

  One thing I do when I'm having a bad mood/moment/day/week/etc. is take a step back and try to figure out the thing that triggered it. So, for example, if you were fine before the dress, I'd go back to that moment. Who was with you when you bought it (if anyone)? Who, besides FI (I'm assuming you don't want him/her to see), can help you see yourself better? (i.e., who will tell you that you look stunning?) I think you should invite this person over and put that dress back on. I am certain you don't look bad in it and just need some outside perspective.

  
  

  If it feels like more than the dress, try to figure out what exactly that is. Is it the school situation? Applying to grad school? Your job? One thing that helps me is, once I figure out what the thing is that has set me off, to come up with some plan to make it better and write it down (or, if I'm really doing my best, then write out what I'm doing). Then I can always refer back to that and tell myself that I'm doing all I can do right now. For example, I'm stressed about how much the wedding costs, and sometimes, I get stressed seemingly out of nowhere because some random thought about it popped into my head without my realizing it. So then I'm stressed and I don't really know why. So I take a step back and kind of run an inventory about what I thought about recently that could've sent me off. When I get to the budget, I realize that's it. Then I have a google doc where I keep our budget and the cost of things written out so I can refer to that to remind myself that we're doing the best we can and there are still a few places we can cut things if we feel it is too much. It really does help.

  
  

  These are just small things that help me keep it in perspective. Of course, talk to your doctor if you feel this is a medication thing more than anything else and work on that. Do you also talk to a therapist? I have found that therapy can be super helpful, even if it's just to chat about day-to-day stuff with someone with an outside perspective. You just have to find the right therapist (and, frustratingly, this can take some time). Also, FI is fully aware of all of my issues, so I can always say to him, "I'm feeling sad right now," and he can help me talk through it (or just give me a hug). It's amazing to have a support system like that, and I hope your FI does that for you, too.

  
  

  Also, this isn't all to say that you are wrong for not feeling intense excitement about your wedding day. This stuff is all super stressful! For me - and I'm almost a year out, so it's a little different - I'm vaguely excited about the day but more stressed about all the things that stand in between now and then (and, truthfully, about the things we want to do once we're married, like have kids - which I know is like not okay but, alas, here I am). So I don't think that's weird. You have a ton going on right now that is more pressing in your life than the wedding, so it's understandable that it's not the number one thing on your mind right now. As long as everything is okay with FI - and you said things are great - I don't think you should worry about not feeling excitement as much as just making sure you're doing well.

  
  

  Hope that was at least a little helpful!

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• CMGragain member

  

  October 2015

  How about posting a picture of yourself wearing the dress?  We'll tell you the honest truth about it!
  

  

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• 100yroldblinddog member

  

  October 2015

  Not a chance! (Also, it still lives at the store since I have months before alterations begin and I need to find the right bra/get Madonna arms/lose a million lbs.)

  
  

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• missa011 member

  

  October 2015

  So sorry to hear you're struggling. PPs have all made great points. 

  
  

  It took me a long time to find the right medication w/ my doctor so just keep being honest with them about your symptoms and side effects, you'll find the right combo. FI and I both had good luck with lexipro for anxiety. If this happens in the next 7 months, it may change a few things, including how you feel about yourself in the dress.

  
  

  Speaking of the dress, is it that you don't like it or you feel uncomfortable in it (and/or anything)? Again, this may be a situation where the right combination of medication and therapy could help. If it just that the dress is not what you remember/like, then maybe a 2nd dress could be an option if you sell this one. And I agree we will absolutely give you an honest opinion if you posted a picture!

  
  

  With school AND work, no wonder you don't have the time or energy to get excited for wedding stuff. After FI and I got engaged, he was trying to get into med school. Long story short, it didn't pan out, nor did PA programs. He was so stressed and depressed and it was so difficult because I didn't really know how to help him. He told me it was just helpful to have me not pressure and be there to give him a head rub when he needed it. Remember that you're going through all this with FI too and they are there to love and support you!

  
  

  Don't put too much pressure on yourself to fit into some wedding bubble ideal. Just do you and take everything at your own pace and plan the wedding you want to have - if it's less stressful for you to plan a court room ceremony followed by lunch or punch and cake, then do it! Your health comes first. A wedding is one day.

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• CMGragain member

  

  October 2015

  100yroldblinddog said:

  Not a chance! (Also, it still lives at the store since I have months before alterations begin and I need to find the right bra/get Madonna arms/lose a million lbs.)

  OP, that is not going to happen and you know it!  I am sorry that you are unhappy with your self image. Do remember that your FI is marrying you because he loves you the way you are right now.  If you aren't a super model, then so what? 
  When I married DH, I was 25 years old and at 5'7", I weighed 130 lbs.  Nearly 40 years later, I am a plus size old lady with a body covered with surgical scars.  Guess what?  He still loves me.  I still love him, too, even though he has turned into a fussy old man with a big tummy and a bald head.
  Marriage is not about comparing yourself to some silly ideal about your appearance.
  

  

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• 100yroldblinddog member

  

  November 2015

  To any lurkers, if any part of my OP spoke to you, I just happened upon this pretty amazing article on A Practical Wedding that relates to people like us: http://apracticalwedding.com/2015/11/emotional-weight-loss-wedding/#disqus_thread

  
  

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