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He wants a private ceremony - I want my mom...

ReminderOfLifeReminderOfLife member
5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
in Wedding Woes
So, phew! So much excitement in so little time. 
Here's the situation. My FH and i recently got engaged, although we have been talking about it for over a year. It was all very sweet and romantic and we began the wedding planning!..... Well, I did.... he just told me to go ahead, keep it under 5K and have fun! So after telling EVERYONE the date, finding the perfect venue, figuring out the catering, and buying a few core decor pieces and finish the budget at a WHOPPING $2,300 he has now decided that we are going to the courthouse. 
Excuse me?
No. So, when I asked why he said because he didn't want so many people there and he only wanted to remember me, not how stressed he was by all the people (He is VERY shy.) So, okay. I scaled back from 120 guests to 30 and re budgeted the whole thing down to $600.00 - Still my dream wedding, but much smaller. Nope. Still not enough.... I am so hurt and confused because at this point he is saying its a "My way or the highway" situation and after all the 'milestones' I have missed out on/sacrificed.... This was the one day I always assumed I would have... I have no idea what to do... usually we are excellent at compromising... but lately.. not so much... Any idea how to approach this with him? thanks 
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Re: He wants a private ceremony - I want my mom...

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ReminderOfLife said:
    So, phew! So much excitement in so little time. 
    Here's the situation. My FH and i recently got engaged, although we have been talking about it for over a year. It was all very sweet and romantic and we began the wedding planning!..... Well, I did.... he just told me to go ahead, keep it under 5K and have fun! So after telling EVERYONE the date, finding the perfect venue, figuring out the catering, and buying a few core decor pieces and finish the budget at a WHOPPING $2,300 he has now decided that we are going to the courthouse. 
    Excuse me?
    No. So, when I asked why he said because he didn't want so many people there and he only wanted to remember me, not how stressed he was by all the people (He is VERY shy.) So, okay. I scaled back from 120 guests to 30 and re budgeted the whole thing down to $600.00 - Still my dream wedding, but much smaller. Nope. Still not enough.... I am so hurt and confused because at this point he is saying its a "My way or the highway" situation and after all the 'milestones' I have missed out on/sacrificed.... This was the one day I always assumed I would have... I have no idea what to do... usually we are excellent at compromising... but lately.. not so much... Any idea how to approach this with him? thanks 


    Postpone the wedding.  There are certain things that should be my way or the highway (drug abuse, excessive drinking come to mind), but the type of wedding you have should not be one of them.  He is changing everything on you after you plan.  That is not ok in the least.  If he always wanted a small wedding, he should have been upfront about that.

    I also see some red flags from you.  This is not your day alone.  This is you and your FI's day, but it is also any guest you invite's day.  The wedding stops being about you and your FI when you invite guests.

    Also, from am etiquette standpoint, it is very rude to tell people to save a date (verbally or written) and then not invite them to the actual wedding.

    Get into couples counseling to figure out this impasse.  Also, what "milestones" have you missed due to your FI?  You two seem to be on very different pages and he seems very controlling.  I would be wary to marry a person like that.

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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Holy jeez. Yeah, you need to postpone the wedding and figure this shit out before you marry him. 

    Why is it "his way or the highway"? Why is there no compromise, especially on something as big as this? Why is he not taking your wants or feelings into consideration? Have you communicated all of this to him? What was his reaction??

    I'm usually the last one to throw out the red flag, but honey, this is a red flag. 
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    The "my way or the highway" attitude is troubling.  I would also let the whole "missed milestones" issue go--it's unfortunate, but it puts extra pressure on this event which isn't really fair.  What's past is past, so I would focus on working with your FI to find a solution that meets both of your needs.  And if you can't do that, then yeah, counseling is a higher priority than wedding planning.
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  • ReminderOfLifeReminderOfLife member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Hey everyone, 
    Sorry my post came off so harshly - angry brain. 
    My FI has not been the cause of my missed miles stones, it is was simple one of the ones that I thought I would have. So yes I do see how my mentality has come across a bit selfishly.
    Now, when I scaled back the wedding I limited it to the people we have formally (by phone/email) Delivered the Save the Date's to - minus the people whom already said they would not be able to make it, so I do not believe there were any harmed feelings. 
    I have tried communicating in various outlets, Face to face communication, writing him letters,ect. and although he says he "understands it perfectly" his constant responds is "I don't want a wedding..." 
    I think postponing it is a necessity and I will start looking into some couples counseling.
    Thanks Everyone.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I was just about to say what Barbie said.
    image
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  • ReminderOfLifeReminderOfLife member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    He doesn't want a wedding, he would be tickled if we went to the courthouse tonight... Well he just received the "Much love, but we need to discuss some stuff" and shockingly his responds was agreement that he has somethings to say.. So, I guess we will see how this goes, either way it will be alright. 
    Adulthood... An oh-so-magical experience...
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I hope you get the answers you need. Please let us know how it goes.
    image
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ReminderOfLife said:
    He doesn't want a wedding, he would be tickled if we went to the courthouse tonight... Well he just received the "Much love, but we need to discuss some stuff" and shockingly his responds was agreement that he has somethings to say.. So, I guess we will see how this goes, either way it will be alright. 
    Adulthood... An oh-so-magical experience...


    My recommendation would be to write down the topics you want to discuss and main points you want to make about each topic so you don't get too far off track and forget to talk about the things that are important to you.

    Good luck in your talk tonight.

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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    ReminderOfLife said:
    Happy Monday Ladies! 
    So we had a really fantastic conversation over the weekend, we both shared our feelings, concerns and fears and decided to wait a few months and approach the subject again. In the end he actually approached me yesterday and apologized for having been so difficult and that he had lost perspective and how much this would mean to both of us by focusing on certain things he is not thrilled with and said for me to go ahead and plan the big wedding that our whole family can enjoy. 
    In the end I am feeling great, but will also work on certain aspects of the day so that he can enjoy is just as much as myself (other wise whats the point, right?) So! Thank you all for being an ear and I truly appreciate the advice and comments. 
    Hugs and Wishes!


    Absolutely invest in premarital counseling!!! 

    This isn't the only time these types of issues are going to arise in your marriage.  Frankly, your earlier posts/replies had NASCAR style red flags flying all over the place in my mind..  Have him on board to help plan the marriage, but keep things easy going when it comes to planning the actual wedding.  If he's not interested in a detail, don't attempt to force him to be interested, or worse, take him along!  Ask him any "musts" that he has on the details, but otherwise, just roll with it and get it planned without dropping all of the details onto yourself to manage.  You hire professional vendors to do a job for you, not micromanage how they do it and make more work for yourself. 


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  • ReminderOfLifeReminderOfLife member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    Yes Ma'am! We are still going to invest in some counseling, my hope is to find someone we can take with us into the marriage as well. In no way are the underlying issues "Taken care of" I am mostly just pleased that we were able to finally break down to the issues that were at hand. 
    Thanks for the advice and support!

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