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Help!

Knottie84008965Knottie84008965 member
First Anniversary
in Wedding Party

One of my bridesmaids is a single mother with a child under the age of 5.  She's upset with me because I'm not inviting him to the wedding.  I'm not asking for much from my bridesmaids, but she will have to pose for pictures and walk down the aisle.  I just don't see how she can do these things with him in tow.   I'm not trying to exclude him, but there really won't be many kids there and the ones that will be are first cousins and a little older.  I've heard of some people providing baby sitting services for their guests.  We're on a limited budget, our wedding is near her house and between her parents and his father, someone is always around to watch him, but I'm wondering if I should consider something like this to avoid hurt feelings. 

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Re: Help!

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    justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie84008965 said:

    One of my bridesmaids is a single mother with a child under the age of 5.  She's upset with me because I'm not inviting him to the wedding.  I'm not asking for much from my bridesmaids, but she will have to pose for pictures and walk down the aisle.  I just don't see how she can do these things with him in tow.   I'm not trying to exclude him, but there really won't be many kids there and the ones that will be are first cousins and a little older.  I've heard of some people providing baby sitting services for their guests.  We're on a limited budget, our wedding is near her house and between her parents and his father, someone is always around to watch him, but I'm wondering if I should consider something like this to avoid hurt feelings. 

    If you lurk here a little you will see that having baby sitting services has downsides, and often many people won't even use them because people are particular over who watches their children. If the only other children invited to the wedding are family then that is fine, you don't have to invite your BM's child. Honestly, if this were me, I'd invite the child and allow the BM to pick a guest to bring to watch him while she is in the ceremony and doing pictures. If I chose someone to be a BM that means I don't want to get married without them there and I would make that compromise. You have to decide if this is a hill you are willing to die on or not. 
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    delujm0delujm0 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie84008965 said:

    One of my bridesmaids is a single mother with a child under the age of 5.  She's upset with me because I'm not inviting him to the wedding.  I'm not asking for much from my bridesmaids, but she will have to pose for pictures and walk down the aisle.  I just don't see how she can do these things with him in tow.   I'm not trying to exclude him, but there really won't be many kids there and the ones that will be are first cousins and a little older.  I've heard of some people providing baby sitting services for their guests.  We're on a limited budget, our wedding is near her house and between her parents and his father, someone is always around to watch him, but I'm wondering if I should consider something like this to avoid hurt feelings. 


    No.  You do not have to invite children to your wedding if you do not want to.  I feel like in this case it would escalate - if you let her bring her son, she's going to probably ask you if she can bring a guest to watch him while she's in the wedding, etc.  If you don't want to open the door to non-family children, that is completely your choice.

     

    Do not provide baby sitting services.  Most parents (myself included) would tell you that they feel uncomfortable leaving their children with a person they haven't met and haven't personally vetted.  This is unnecessary.  It sounds like your wedding is in the town that you and your BM live in, so i assume she has childcare options that she uses regularly that she could line up.  Or she could decline to attend the wedding, which would be her call, and which you should not take personally if that is what she decides to do.

     

    FWIW, DH's cousin is getting married in a few months, and SIL is a bridesmaid.  She has two children, one of which will only be 4 months old and will be breastfeeding at that time.  Her kids were not invited.  So we're working on childcare to accomodate her (and also my will-be-10-month-old) so that we can attend.  MIL will likely skip the reception in order to watch the kids, as it is a destination wedding and we won't have a sitter that we know and can use.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would just stand firm. "I'm sorry, Bridesmaid, but it isn't possible for us to accommodate your son at the wedding."

    Let her worry about child care for him.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    OliveOilsMom said:

    Ditto Justsie, you are well within your rights to not allow your BM's son to attend.  But this person is probably very important to you.  So I would allow her to bring a plus one so they can watch her child during the ceremony and picture time. 

    In most cases for me, I am closer to my friend's children than my first cousin's children.  Instead of  using part of your budget to provide babysitting services, I would just allow your friend to bring her son and a guest.  But this is your decision to make in the end.

    All of this.

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    VicTim328VicTim328 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    When it comes to weddings, kids are not an all or nothing.  You can easily do kids in circles (1st cousins, nieces/nephews, children of WP etc).  If she is not in a relationship, allow her to bring a guest who can watch her son during the ceremony and photos.  If she had someone watching her son, she would more than likely leave the ceremony early to go home to her son.  More than likely, she will stay longer if he is there, and she doesn't have to relieve a babysitter.

    If it were me, I would be inviting the child and a guest.  It would allow you to avoid difficult feelings from BM, and allow her to feel more at ease during the day.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    IMO - invite the son, and get some coloring books or quiet "busy" toy (Legos are great btw!) if you're worried about what he's going to do during pictures..  He is her "plus one".  Chances are she'll be a lot less stressed out and able to be more involved if he's there.  There's a reason you asked her to be a BM.  Single parents have a lot tougher job than anyone realizes.  Just because the Dad is in the picture does NOT mean that she can just say "I've got something going on this particular weekend, he's with you!" (especially when court orders are involved!!!), there's a reason they aren't together.  Chances are she already checked out when "her weekends" are and that's one of them...

    Honestly - I'd invite her, son, and a "plus one" because - she's important enough that you'd ask her to be a BM, recognize her situation for what it is, you never know, she might invite one of her parents along who can leave early if necessary... 

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    GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    If it was my BM, I'd invite her child. But that's just me. My BMs are very important to me and I would want them to come to the wedding and be comfortable and enjoy themselves. After all, they're family/my best friends.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If it were me, I'd invite him.  He's 5 years old ... at that age, he's capable of sitting still during a wedding ceremony and while his mom is taking pictures.




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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    holyguacamole79 said:
    If it were me, I'd invite him.  He's 5 years old ... at that age, he's capable of sitting still during a wedding ceremony and while his mom is taking pictures.
    Give him a phone, and odds are you won't hear a peep.  :)
    �
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Since you are on the fence, ask her what her plans on for her son to be supervised during the ceremony. Because for the walk down the isle and possibly standing up front. I know others have said give him some toys or something. But someone needs to keep an eye on him while mom is busy being a BM prior to the ceremony and during the ceremony. It's one thing for a child to sit quietly during a ceremony when they have a parent sitting next to them. But will they when they are sitting there alone? And to ask your family to do it isn't fair.  Also depending on the time schedule for the day & his schedule, how is he going to do with possibly not being able to get a nap. And what are her plans for him on food. There is a good chance you can get a discounted meal for him, but will he eat the food you have planned for? I think those are legit questions to ask the BM before you give her a final answer. Her answers may have an impact on your decision. 

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