30 Minute Religious Ceremony

charlotte989875 · December 2015

I agree with @holyguacamole79, ask him if he can cut it down, see what he says. Ask to see the script for service (the pastor who performed ours went through it in our of our sessions, although he is very liberal), and see if any of what you're concerned about is even in there.

One major thing I learned in wedding planning was how to, nicely politely, say no to my family and stand up for what was right and important to me and FI. If the pastor does have plans to say things during your ceremony you object to, stand up for yourself. This may mean having to find a new pastor or other officiant, it may mean saying no to your father, but this is the ceremony where you and FI get married, not them.

MobKaz · December 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

Lots of great input here! Thank you all!

I guess I'm struggling with how to tell him, as a relative that I'm not super close with, how I really want him to cut out 15 minutes of his routine, not mention homosexuality, or submissiveness, or give a altar call, etc. without offending him/having him refuse to do the ceremony and causing trouble within the family.

Before anyone asks, "Why did you ask him to perform the ceremony in the first place?" I did so upon the suggestion of my father (the main reason we are having a more religious ceremony) and because we didn't really have anyone else to do it. I didn't realize the cousin was so conservative before I asked him, or I probably would've hired an actor who was licensed to perform weddings to pretend to my pastor and who would say exactly what I wanted them to.

I wish I could start my wedding planning journey over and do so many things differently.

I address this point more for those who have not yet begun ceremony planning.

One of the FEW areas that parents should NOT have any input is the ceremony. The ceremony should be a reflection of the couple. If you did not wish to have a religious ceremony, then the burden was on you to locate a secular officiate. You do not need to pay an actor. There are secular officiates as well as friends who could receive the license to perform weddings by filling out a few online forms.

Is your father contributing financially to the wedding? Will it be worth the stress this issue is creating? Is it really too late to pull back and revisit some of these issues?

Jen4948 · December 2015

Knottie00267128 said:
Lots of great input here! Thank you all!

I guess I'm struggling with how to tell him, as a relative that I'm not super close with, how I really want him to cut out 15 minutes of his routine, not mention homosexuality, or submissiveness, or give a altar call, etc. without offending him/having him refuse to do the ceremony and causing trouble within the family.

Before anyone asks, "Why did you ask him to perform the ceremony in the first place?" I did so upon the suggestion of my father (the main reason we are having a more religious ceremony) and because we didn't really have anyone else to do it. I didn't realize the cousin was so conservative before I asked him, or I probably would've hired an actor who was licensed to perform weddings to pretend to my pastor and who would say exactly what I wanted them to.

I wish I could start my wedding planning journey over and do so many things differently.

Why not ask him for a full script of the ceremony as it currently stands and ask him to cut either the sermon itself down to 15 minutes or to eliminate other elements to bring the whole ceremony into an acceptable time frame for you?

Knottie51972556 · December 2015

Are you doing your own vows?

SP29 · December 2015

Our officiant gave us a near script of our ceremony. Fortunately he was very open and flexible, and let us choose much of the wording.

I'd ask for script and see if there is anything you particularly do not want, or if there is a way to shorten anything.

You could also let your cousin know, "FI and I were thinking along the lines of a 30min ceremony".

Knottie00267128 · December 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie00267128 said:

Lots of great input here! Thank you all!

I guess I'm struggling with how to tell him, as a relative that I'm not super close with, how I really want him to cut out 15 minutes of his routine, not mention homosexuality, or submissiveness, or give a altar call, etc. without offending him/having him refuse to do the ceremony and causing trouble within the family.

Before anyone asks, "Why did you ask him to perform the ceremony in the first place?" I did so upon the suggestion of my father (the main reason we are having a more religious ceremony) and because we didn't really have anyone else to do it. I didn't realize the cousin was so conservative before I asked him, or I probably would've hired an actor who was licensed to perform weddings to pretend to my pastor and who would say exactly what I wanted them to.

I wish I could start my wedding planning journey over and do so many things differently.

First off, are you positive that his sermon would include those topics? The 10 minute sermon I heard (from what I remember) was about the basic history of Christianity (from Adam & Eve to St Paul & the disciples) and how it relates to marriage. There was no mentiton of any the topics you mentioned above.

If you go into the discussion saying "we don't want x, y, z" and those topics weren't even on his "radar", he could become defensive and make things more difficult. I'd start off by saying, "Hey Tim - it seems like 10-15 minutes for a sermon is quite long. Is there any way to shorten the message to 5 minutes?" See where it goes from there.

I don't know for sure that it would include those topics, no. I've been hesitant about bringing anyhing up to him and causing him to be defensive, just like you said. I like he suggestion about mentioning shortening it and see where it goes from there. Thank you!

Knottie00267128 · December 2015

@charlotte989875 Oh yea, I should've mentioned this will be the first wedding he's officiated. (yikes?) I'll definitely ask for a script.

@MobKaz The hiring fan actor part was mostly a joke. My fiancé and I do want a religious ceremony, we are just not as conservative as most of my family is. My parents are paying for the whole wedding. The one thing my dad was adamant about was that the wedding be in a church. We're having an outdoor ceremony with a religious officiant, so he has already compromised and he is not normally the type to budge at all. I don't want to try my luck.

MobKaz · December 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

@charlotte989875 Oh yea, I should've mentioned this will be the first wedding he's officiated. (yikes?) I'll definitely ask for a script. @MobKaz The hiring fan actor part was mostly a joke. My fiancé and I do want a religious ceremony, we are just not as conservative as most of my family is. My parents are paying for the whole wedding. The one thing my dad was adamant about was that the wedding be in a church. We're having an outdoor ceremony with a religious officiant, so he has already compromised and he is not normally the type to budge at all. I don't want to try my luck.

I understand. I wish you luck. I hope you don't waste your time speaking with this officiant. If your father holds the purse strings, this officiant/cousin may feel obliged to follow the instructions of your father, regardless of what you and your FI want. Your father may make it very clear to his cousin that the ceremony be done in HIS way, versus yours.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

Knottie00267128 said:
@charlotte989875 Oh yea, I should've mentioned this will be the first wedding he's officiated. (yikes?) I'll definitely ask for a script.

@MobKaz The hiring fan actor part was mostly a joke. My fiancé and I do want a religious ceremony, we are just not as conservative as most of my family is. My parents are paying for the whole wedding. The one thing my dad was adamant about was that the wedding be in a church. We're having an outdoor ceremony with a religious officiant, so he has already compromised and he is not normally the type to budge at all. I don't want to try my luck.

OP, I encourage you to be more firm with your dad in the future regarding stuff like this (I know you said you wish you had done things differently, and my goal is not to beat a dead horse). Faith and religion should be a decision betweenyou and your FI, especially if you two have children at some point. Hang in there and let us know how it goes!

30 Minute Religious Ceremony

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