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Hyphenate or go all in?

bleve0821bleve0821 member
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in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
My wedding is in April, and my FI has started bringing up the subject of family names.  I know how important his heritage and surname is to him and his family and how much he wants me to take his name, no strings attached.  However, it's also really important to me, and I am not ready to give up the name I have spent my entire life being proud of.

When his younger brother got married, his SIL did not take the family name, and it struck a nerve with his family.  It's never crossed my mind to not take his name... But I know that hyphenating it won't be any better.

I have my PhD and am established professionally with my maiden name.  I'm also the end of my line, so there is both a professional and a personal aspect for wanting to hyphenate.  Ultimately, I know it's my decision, and I know he will support me in whatever I choose to do.  It has crossed my mind to keep my maiden name as my middle and use that professionally, and use his outside of work, but I don't even want to think about the mess that could cause.  I feel like hyphenating is the best way to compromise.

I'm not trying to break with tradition, and I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers.  I love this man and his family, and I know they won't hold it against me for whatever decision I make.  What have others done?  Has anyone been in a similar situation?


"And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
--Philip Pullman

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Re: Hyphenate or go all in?

  • TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
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    I'm in your boat. His family is traditional and I know they want me to take it, and since the wedding always introduced me as Mrs Hislastname, even though I have not yet changed it ANYWHERE. I have spent YEARS establishing my name professionally to be well recognized in my business. I know MW would like me to take it (he calls me "Mrs. B", so I jokingly call him "Mr. Wench"). He said he's fine with whatever I decide.

    I know it can be a complicated mess having one last name professionally and one personally, but after talking to many other friends who work in TV/radio, that's what the majority do. I will just add my maiden name as a second middle or last on my DL etc... and leave it as is on the very public stuff. That way, the bank will still tender checks made out to my maiden but also my married.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    I also have a PhD under my maiden name, have published under that name, made a career, etc. I made my maiden name my second middle, go by it at work(kept the same email, submit papers under that name), but added his last name as my legal last name. I go by that name socially, and maiden professionally.
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
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    @charlotte989875 do you find, or have you ever found, that this creates a lot of unnecessary confusion for you, like when it comes to filing taxes or with insurance?


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    edited December 2015
    Nope, my SSN hasn't changed so my work has my correct information. And for taxes it was listed as a former name and as a middle name and we didn't have any problems. I work in academia so maybe it's more common here, but I never had any issues.

    ETA: it hasn't been confusing for me, students, or colleagues (or our families). Students don't know any different, colleagues use my preferred name, and my family knows I've taken his last name so the random times the mail me something they address it to our shared name.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    This decision needs to be for you.  It should not be based on how his family will feel.  TOTALLY your call.

    That said, I have a strong connection to my maiden name.  When I was in college, I was known around campus simply by my last name (seriously, the Dean of Students even addressed me by my last name).  I got married at 33 and had already established myself with my maiden name professionally.  When I call people who have known me most of my life, I use all 3 names to identify myself (first, maiden, last).  Heck, I still take my dogs to the same vet my family used when I was a kid (I live ~6 miles from the house where I grew up).  My dogs' file has my name on it (with my married name) and under it is my maiden name because that's how they've known me since I was 6.

    I always knew that I wanted to take my husband's last name (before I even met him).  I just knew that's what I wanted to do.  My maiden name is now my middle name.  My email signature for work includes my maiden name, and my personal email (Gmail) has my full name.  

    Taxes, insurance, etc really haven't been that big of a deal.  I bought my (now our) house while I was single, and a lot of the documentation is in my maiden name.  I've found that as long as my mortgage & taxes get paid, I don't get too much flack ;). 

    I actually still smile when old friends address me by my maiden name.  I love it. 




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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    Yoou can always use your maiden name as your middle name, and avoid hyphenating:  Jane Smith Jones.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • Denise40Denise40 member
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    My previous last name was my married name that I've had for 32 years. I get a monthly annuity check that gets direct deposited into my account. That is why I was asking which way would be better. If I put it as my middle name and my new married name as last with no hyphen would that be easier?
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    Your direct deposit goes to your account number. You can easily change the name on your bank account once you have your new social security card in hand. The direct deposit should not be affected. There is not really any need to worry about 'easier' here. But I'm confused. You ask as though you are the OP. Do you have two TK accounts?
    image
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    artbyallie said:
    Your direct deposit goes to your account number. You can easily change the name on your bank account once you have your new social security card in hand. The direct deposit should not be affected. There is not really any need to worry about 'easier' here. But I'm confused. You ask as though you are the OP. Do you have two TK accounts?
    She has a thread of her own about name changes where she is the OP, I think in Chit Chat. So maybe just confused the two threads, lol.
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  • Denise40Denise40 member
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    edited December 2015
    spockforprez said:
    artbyallie said:
    Your direct deposit goes to your account number. You can easily change the name on your bank account once you have your new social security card in hand. The direct deposit should not be affected. There is not really any need to worry about 'easier' here. But I'm confused. You ask as though you are the OP. Do you have two TK accounts?
    She has a thread of her own about name changes where she is the OP, I think in Chit Chat. So maybe just confused the two threads, lol.
    I posted to the wrong thread, sorry. Didn't mean to post. 
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    Denise40 said:
    spockforprez said:
    artbyallie said:
    Your direct deposit goes to your account number. You can easily change the name on your bank account once you have your new social security card in hand. The direct deposit should not be affected. There is not really any need to worry about 'easier' here. But I'm confused. You ask as though you are the OP. Do you have two TK accounts?
    She has a thread of her own about name changes where she is the OP, I think in Chit Chat. So maybe just confused the two threads, lol.
    I posted to the wrong thread, sorry. Didn't mean to post. 
    No worries! The two forums are right next to each other so it would be easy to do. :) 
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
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    adk19 said:

    And personally, I don't like your two choices of either hyphenating or changing.  I'm keeping my name.  So that's another option.

    Ditto.

    And you pointed out that "you are the end of your line," which mashes me think you might want to pass your name on to your children. That's something to consider before changing your name. And once again, it doesn't matter what your in laws think, your name inn your choice. Your kids names are yours and your spouse's choice, no one else's.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    When I was single, I was adamant that I wouldn't change my name.  I think it's crap that it's expected of the woman.  My family name's roots started as English pilgrims, and that was always super important to my grandpa and thus to me.  And as someone who will be marrying in my mid-late 30's, I've spent almost half of my life as Kim English.

    And then I met my sweet, traditional FI with a crazy Hungarian name that I had to put in my phone after our second date because I couldn't even remember how to pronounce it.  And he said he'd rather have me than not have me over a name dispute because part of what makes me that woman is my strength and value system.

    So I decided if he could compromise, so could I and I decided to hyphenate so I'll be Kim English-Hungarian.  I'm excited about it actually, because the way I see both names are correct.  I'll keep Kim English for work but if someone calls me Kim Hungarian it's correct too.

    Trust your gut, you'll figure it out.

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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
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    adk19 said:

    And personally, I don't like your two choices of either hyphenating or changing.  I'm keeping my name.  So that's another option.

    Yep, this.
                 
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  • hlvonbhlvonb member
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    Do what you think is best. However I struggled with this as well when I got married and I ended up taking DH last name and it was a bit strange at first but I am 100% happy that I did it and wouldn't dream of having it any other way.
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