Are we really being over looked?

loggersdaughter92 · December 2015

So the beginning of October 2015, I asked my boyfriend if we could have a Halloween wedding in 2016. He said yes! I was elated, Halloween is my favorite holiday, and he finally said we could start planning a wedding! We've already bought a house together and have two furbabies, so a wedding wasn't that far off.

Well, as I was gushing to my friends about it, she told me my now fiance's sister was planning a Halloween themed wedding for October 15. The last we heard, over a year ago, her wedding was going to be September 15 and we figured a month and a half was enough time between weddings. So I asked her about it and there was a massive blow out over the dates and similar themes. She had changed her date and never bothered to tell us. We weren't actually engaged yet when we confronted her about changing her date without telling us, so I had to change my date and theme to make her happy.

So here we are a couple months later, officially engaged and in the middle of planning a wedding for July 2016. I'm excited and the two bridesmaids I chose are excited and super helpful, but my fiance's sister can't even give me the time of day when I talk about my wedding and she's one of the bridesmaids! Anyways, she's pregnant again, life revolves around her again, but I'm a little offended and confused as to how his family is acting towards me. Our engagement wasn't "real" until I had a ring, well now I have one and they are still acting like it's not happening. When we announced our engagement at a family dinner, only his grandma congratulated us. His mom plays favorites and is solely committed to ensuring his sister she is God's gift to the earth, so whatever, but his sister has decided to start planning for her wedding now too.

Now, I don't have a good relationship with my own mom, at all, and the past two and half years I have been open with his mom with my feelings that I want a mom and I always promised myself when I got married, I would have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And now, even though she knows all I want is a mom, she can't be bothered to help me plan, or even acknowledge that we are getting married. I feel like we are taking the back burner yet again because his sister is having another baby. Am I crazy to feel this way? Whenever I confront my fiance about it, he says it's always been this way and there is nothing he can do about it.

JediElizabeth · December 2015

Unfortunately, you can choose who you love, but you can't choose your (or their) family.

I dated a guy once whose mother I adored. I'd sit and chat with her while he was in the house, watching TV or something. We got along great. I'm not marrying that guy, even though I'd love her as a mother-in-law, because he wasn't the guy for me. If you don't have a good relationship with your FMIL, that's not a big deal compared to marrying the right guy.

Your future in-laws seem like people who are wrapped up in their own worlds...pretty much like most of us. And that's fine. They don't need to do anything but show up at your wedding. This is for you and your FI, not for them.

Does your FMIL know you want her to be like a mom to you? Does she want that from you? If you don't click, you may be putting her in an uncomfortable situation by putting expectations on her that she can't live up to.

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

If you post to more than one forum its helpful if you mark your post XP so that people know there is more than one thread. I already commented in the wedding 911 board.

Heffalump · December 2015

loggersdaughter92 said:

Well, as I was gushing to my friends about it, she told me my now fiance's sister was planning a Halloween themed wedding for October 15. The last we heard, over a year ago, her wedding was going to be September 15 and we figured a month and a half was enough time between weddings. So I asked her about it and there was a massive blow out over the dates and similar themes. She had changed her date and never bothered to tell us. We weren't actually engaged yet when we confronted her about changing her date without telling us, so I had to change my date and theme to make her happy. So here we are a couple months later, officially engaged and in the middle of planning a wedding for July 2016.

BOXBOXBOXBOX

Am I reading this correctly? She wasn't required to get your approval for her wedding date--especially if you weren't engaged. (Although I was confused on that part--it sounded like you were planning a wedding, but you say you weren't engaged, so who knows?) In a perfect world, of course the couple runs their date past VIPs to make sure they can attend, but if they don't, the worst that happens is a VIP can't make it due to a schedule conflict. You keep saying she changed the date without telling you, but she was under no obligation to do so. Just as you weren't obligated to change you date--you chose to.

loggersdaughter92 said:

I'm excited and the two bridesmaids I chose are excited and super helpful, but my fiance's sister can't even give me the time of day when I talk about my wedding and she's one of the bridesmaids!

What on earth do the bridesmaids need to be super helpful about? Also, why did you ask his sister to be a bridesmaid if neither of you even seem to like her that much? That doesn't sound promising.

loggersdaughter92 said:

Now, I don't have a good relationship with my own mom, at all, and the past two and half years I have been open with his mom with my feelings that I want a mom and I always promised myself when I got married, I would have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And now, even though she knows all I want is a mom, she can't be bothered to help me plan, or even acknowledge that we are getting married. I feel like we are taking the back burner yet again because his sister is having another baby. Am I crazy to feel this way? Whenever I confront my fiance about it, he says it's always been this way and there is nothing he can do about it.

You can't make someone be your surrogate mommy. I'm sorry you have a poor relationship with your own mother, but that doesn't mean you can jam your MIL into that slot and play happy family. I feel like I'm recommending therapy a LOT lately, but I think you would be better served by working out your feelings about your relationship with your mother in a professional setting, rather than trying to force a relationship with your MIL and being pissy when it doesn't work.

mrsconn23 · December 2015

Heffalump said:

loggersdaughter92 said:

Well, as I was gushing to my friends about it, she told me my now fiance's sister was planning a Halloween themed wedding for October 15. The last we heard, over a year ago, her wedding was going to be September 15 and we figured a month and a half was enough time between weddings. So I asked her about it and there was a massive blow out over the dates and similar themes. She had changed her date and never bothered to tell us. We weren't actually engaged yet when we confronted her about changing her date without telling us, so I had to change my date and theme to make her happy. So here we are a couple months later, officially engaged and in the middle of planning a wedding for July 2016.

loggersdaughter92 said:

Now, I don't have a good relationship with my own mom, at all, and the past two and half years I have been open with his mom with my feelings that I want a mom and I always promised myself when I got married, I would have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And now, even though she knows all I want is a mom, she can't be bothered to help me plan, or even acknowledge that we are getting married. I feel like we are taking the back burner yet again because his sister is having another baby. Am I crazy to feel this way? Whenever I confront my fiance about it, he says it's always been this way and there is nothing he can do about it.

You can't make someone be your surrogate mommy. I'm sorry you have a poor relationship with your own mother, but that doesn't mean you can jam your MIL into that slot and play happy family. I feel like I'm recommending therapy a LOT lately, but I think you would be better served by working out your feelings about your relationship with your mother in a professional setting, rather than trying to force a relationship with your MIL and being pissy when it doesn't work.

A) You had a 'blow-out' over wedding themes (and dates)? Please...no wedding is truly 'unique' and unless she's straight jacking every.last.thing you're doing, you need to let the 'theme' shit go.

B ) Therapy is cheaper than divorce and it's better to start before you're married than try to turn around a train that's left the station.

C) I said this yesterday and it applies here: Weddings are not a magical time for change. They can exacerbate issues, especially if a relationship is fraught with every day problems and there's an expectation for change. Plan your wedding. Let FSIL plan her wedding. Expect that she's going to show up in a dress and stand next to you and that's all she needs to do. IF she decides to help with anything else, consider it a bonus.

nerdwife · December 2015

loggersdaughter92 said:

So the beginning of October 2015, I asked my boyfriend if we could have a Halloween wedding in 2016. He said yes! I was elated, Halloween is my favorite holiday, and he finally said we could start planning a wedding! We've already bought a house together and have two furbabies, so a wedding wasn't that far off. Well, as I was gushing to my friends about it, she told me my now fiance's sister was planning a Halloween themed wedding for October 15. The last we heard, over a year ago, her wedding was going to be September 15 and we figured a month and a half was enough time between weddings. So I asked her about it and there was a massive blow out over the dates and similar themes. She had changed her date and never bothered to tell us. We weren't actually engaged yet when we confronted her about changing her date without telling us, so I had to change my date and theme to make her happy. So here we are a couple months later, officially engaged and in the middle of planning a wedding for July 2016. I'm excited and the two bridesmaids I chose are excited and super helpful, but my fiance's sister can't even give me the time of day when I talk about my wedding and she's one of the bridesmaids! Anyways, she's pregnant again, life revolves around her again, but I'm a little offended and confused as to how his family is acting towards me. Our engagement wasn't "real" until I had a ring, well now I have one and they are still acting like it's not happening. When we announced our engagement at a family dinner, only his grandma congratulated us. His mom plays favorites and is solely committed to ensuring his sister she is God's gift to the earth, so whatever, but his sister has decided to start planning for her wedding now too. Now, I don't have a good relationship with my own mom, at all, and the past two and half years I have been open with his mom with my feelings that I want a mom and I always promised myself when I got married, I would have a good relationship with my mother-in-law. And now, even though she knows all I want is a mom, she can't be bothered to help me plan, or even acknowledge that we are getting married. I feel like we are taking the back burner yet again because his sister is having another baby. Am I crazy to feel this way? Whenever I confront my fiance about it, he says it's always been this way and there is nothing he can do about it.

Definitely agree with PPs that you can't do anything about your FMIL not liking you (or appearing not to like you) and that it is reasonable that your actually engaged FSIL scheduled their wedding before you did yours. But I also want to point out that the bolded is a strange attitude to have. Weddings are great and fun and exciting, but babies are way better. My brother and SIL just announced that they're having a baby two months before my wedding, and I am over the moon excited for them. In fact, they took the day I went and bought my dress and made the announcement after that. I could whine and say something about "being overlooked" on an important day about an important thing, but since I'm a grown-up and know babies are amazing and more exciting than parties, I celebrated with them. Also, my other brother is getting married two months after me. Again, no one cares or is competing. We are all excited about all of these things. We're family and happy to celebrate each other's lives. That's it.

Obviously it's not fun to feel like your FI's family isn't a huge fan of you, but this happens for a lot of people. Just plan your wedding and enjoy being engaged and stop being so negative about FSIL's wedding/life. If FILs come around, they do. But if they don't, you're marrying the love of your life, and that's all that matters.

AddieCake · December 2015

Why did you ask his sister to be a bridesmaid? You're clearly not close with her, so it's odd to me that you would ask her.

Nobody is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. It would be nice if they would show some enthusiasm, yes, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen, so let it go. And stop being resentful/jealous of your FSIL and the attention she gets.

You've put a lot of pressure in your FMIL by making it known to her that "all I want is a mom." You can still have a good relationship with her even if she isn't fawning all over you and being the mother you never had.

Are we really being over looked?

Re: Are we really being over looked?

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