private ceremony in one state/reception in another

Knottie1451267359 · January 2016

We are in our 40's and have been together 10 years and are planning wedding for 2017. His parents are in their 70's and cannot travel due to medical issues; my parents are younger and are willing and able.
Our thoughts are private ceremony here with only parents and siblings (about 12 of us total), followed by JUST a dinner. No bridal party; semi-casual dress (me: white informal dress with cowboy boots; him: nice jeans, dress shirt, vest), no dancing.
A week later we would like to go north and have the main reception/celebration with my family (about 50-70 guests), immediately followed by honeymoon.
I have read over and over about the etiquette of this, but there is no way with his parents' restrictions to do it all together. We want the first dance, the father/daughter dance, the cake cutting, etc.
I guess what I'm most unsure about is: do we do a vow renewal to help segue into the reception? It won't be a secret that we were officially married the week before; but my family LOVES the ceremonial aspect/traditions and especially loves the parties, so we want to make it the most enjoyable for all involved.

monkeysip · January 2016

I mean, technically, it's not a wedding reception, and really just a party. You could still dance with your husband--even a spotlight dance, I think, would be fine. But it's not your first dance. You also can dance with your father--but I wouldn't make that a spotlight dance.

You can have cake. Cake is always good at any party. No one will object to cake. I don't even see a big deal with cutting it either. I would just make sure to stay away from things like bouquet toss, garter toss, and anything else that makes it seem like you guys are a new bride and groom. Because you won't be.

And honestly, that's what this comes down to. Celebrating your marriage at the party is fine. But you have to realize you'll no longer be bride and groom, so you can't act like you are.

I would NOT do a vow renewal so soon. Vow renewals should be done on milestone anniversaries. A vow renewal soon after marriage is just weird and hokey. Just make it a party celebrating your new marriage.

STARMOON44 · January 2016

It wouldn't be JUST a dinner. It would be your wedding reception. And it sounds very nice. Why couldn't you dance with your father after dinner and cut a cake for dessert?

monkeysip · January 2016

Also, why can't you just have the wedding near your fiance's parents, and everyone can just travel there? Why do you need the two locations? Most people choose one location, and all their families have to travel there. Your situation is not different. Will some people not make it? Sure. But that's life.

Knottie1451267359 · January 2016

Thank you for the kind and sensical feedback

Knottie1451267359 · January 2016

To Starmoon...there won't be any music to dance to; it will literally just be a dinner following the ceremony. I have a very close relationship with my Dad and have always dreamed of our father/daughter dance, so it's very important to me for that to happen.

Knottie1451267359 · January 2016

To monkeysip: we have discussed that idea (one location) but it just doesn't make sense in our situation...he has a very small, elderly family here who would not be comfortable with the boisterous reception that my family is used to...if my family were to come here they would be disappointed with the small, toned-down celebration. This is an effort to include everyone in such a way that everyone would enjoy, including us.

STARMOON44 · January 2016

Knottie1451267359 said:
To Starmoon...there won't be any music to dance to; it will literally just be a dinner following the ceremony. I have a very close relationship with my Dad and have always dreamed of our father/daughter dance, so it's very important to me for that to happen.

Put music on then? Most restaurants have a sound system, or if you're in a private room bring speakers for an iPod.

JaxInBlue · January 2016

Knottie1451267359 said:

To monkeysip: we have discussed that idea (one location) but it just doesn't make sense in our situation...he has a very small, elderly family here who would not be comfortable with the boisterous reception that my family is used to...if my family were to come here they would be disappointed with the small, toned-down celebration. This is an effort to include everyone in such a way that everyone would enjoy, including us.

I guess I'm just genuinely confused about why, if your family is able to travel, it's not possible for you to have the reception you want in the location his family can attend. Unless there are strict religious prohibitions involved, why can't you do one reception, but "allow" (for lack of a better term) his family to leave before the boisterousness is under way?

I mean, why can't you have one ceremony and reception, where you have dinner, possibly spotlight dances, and a cake cutting, and then turn up the party atmosphere after cake is served? Those who may not want to stay for the dancing/late night don't have to, but they will still have been able to participate in much of your reception. I've been to a number of receptions, including most in my family, where a certain segment of the guest list (generally the older family members) stay through cake and then leave before the dancing gets underway.

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Knottie1451267359 said:

We are in our 40's and have been together 10 years and are planning wedding for 2017. His parents are in their 70's and cannot travel due to medical issues; my parents are younger and are willing and able.
Our thoughts are private ceremony here with only parents and siblings (about 12 of us total), followed by JUST a dinner. No bridal party; semi-casual dress (me: white informal dress with cowboy boots; him: nice jeans, dress shirt, vest), no dancing.
A week later we would like to go north and have the main reception/celebration with my family (about 50-70 guests), immediately followed by honeymoon.
I have read over and over about the etiquette of this, but there is no way with his parents' restrictions to do it all together. We want the first dance, the father/daughter dance, the cake cutting, etc.
I guess what I'm most unsure about is: do we do a vow renewal to help segue into the reception? It won't be a secret that we were officially married the week before; but my family LOVES the ceremonial aspect/traditions and especially loves the parties, so we want to make it the most enjoyable for all involved.

I think Jax has a great idea. Just do everything near your FIs parents. At the start of the reception just keep it quieter and more low key. Do your spotlight dances and do the cake cutting. After the cake, the party can get turned up.

If you decide to keep things small the way you do. Do not do a new ceremony. Just have the party.

CMGragain · January 2016

Knottie1451267359 said:

We are in our 40's and have been together 10 years and are planning wedding for 2017. His parents are in their 70's and cannot travel due to medical issues; my parents are younger and are willing and able.
Our thoughts are private ceremony here with only parents and siblings (about 12 of us total), followed by JUST a dinner. No bridal party; semi-casual dress (me: white informal dress with cowboy boots; him: nice jeans, dress shirt, vest), no dancing.
A week later we would like to go north and have the main reception/celebration with my family (about 50-70 guests), immediately followed by honeymoon.
I have read over and over about the etiquette of this, but there is no way with his parents' restrictions to do it all together. We want the first dance, the father/daughter dance, the cake cutting, etc.
I guess what I'm most unsure about is: do we do a vow renewal to help segue into the reception? It won't be a secret that we were officially married the week before; but my family LOVES the ceremonial aspect/traditions and especially loves the parties, so we want to make it the most enjoyable for all involved.

Your plans are basically OK, but you need to re-name them

Your wedding reception is for your ceremony guests. It is held on your wedding day, after your ceremony. You greet your guests personally, thank them for coming to your wedding, and offer them food and drink. You are planning to do this, so everything is fine. The dinner is your reception.

Any other celebrations on any other days are not a part of your wedding.
What you are planning is a party to celebrate your marriage. This is perfectly OK to do, but please do not call it your wedding reception. You had that on your wedding day.
You may have a special dance with your husband (not a "first dance"), and you certainly may have a special dance with your father. Serving cake is fine. Please do not do the bouquet toss/garter toss. Everything else is fine. Any toasts should be "To the happy couple", or "To the newlyweds", not "To the bride and groom". Remember, it is not your wedding day, and you are no longer the bride and groom, but a happily married couple.

This would be the wording on your invitations:

The pleasure of your company is requested

to celebrate the recent marriage of

Your Full Name

and

Husband's Full Name

Saturday, the twentieth of August

two thousand sixteen

at six o'clock

Venue

Address

City, State

SP29 · January 2016

What CMGragain said.

You can have a party at any time, for any reason, so this later celebration is perfectly fine- but it is just that- a celebration, and not your wedding. Your wedding has already happened (and a private ceremony with immediate family followed by dinner is fine too!).

If you follow traditional customs, the hosts of a party would cut the cake and serve it to their guests. Thus, cake is always an awesome idea, and you and your husband can cut it. What you would not do is feed it to each other, as this is not your first meal as husband and wife. As this is a party you are throwing as hosts, you would serve your guests first. Similarly, the hosts may open the dance floor. Likewise, you can have a dance with your father, because you want to (you don't need a reason to dance with your dad), but don't put it on as a show of your dad dancing with the bride. No garter or bouquet toss. But cocktails, dinner, dancing with a band or DJ, dessert- go for it!

artbyallie · January 2016

Knottie1451267359 said:

To Starmoon...there won't be any music to dance to; it will literally just be a dinner following the ceremony. I have a very close relationship with my Dad and have always dreamed of our father/daughter dance, so it's very important to me for that to happen.

It doesn't matter if there is music or dancing (though I do recommend background music, which restaurants generally have anyway). What makes it your reception is the fact that you are feeding the people who have witnessed your marriage.

Knottie1451267359 · January 2016

Thanks everyone for the input.

private ceremony in one state/reception in another

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