Sister in law troubles

Re: Sister in law troubles

• AddieCake member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  Knottie1451694230 said:

  Hello everyone,
  
  I am having trouble with my future sister in law.
  
  Challenge 1:
  She has 3 kids under 6 who are not well behaved. The youngest one is having a birthday on our wedding day. We cannot change the date.  We have decided not to have children at our wedding, which is also taking place at my fiance and her childhood home. She has decided that this is a personal attack on her and we are trying to keep her from her children. She is in the wedding party and will have a reading during the ceremony. This challenge caused a bit of a meltdown between my fiance and I because it led to talk of changing the venue. She says if her children cannot attend the wedding, which is at their bed time, then she will skip the rehearsal and only come into town the day of the wedding. This is hurtful to my fiance but he will not talk with her about it. 
  
  Challenge 2: 
  We have 3 wedding colors, he picked one, I picked one and the other is more for the decor. She has decided she does not want to wear his color and will wear mine.  As of now I told her she has to wear his color, and I am bringing the wedding planner with me during her dress fitting to help deal with her.
  
  I feel this is the one day in my entire life when I get to say how things go for me. I am trying my best not to create a life long enemy, but I feel like it's becoming a battle of wills.
  
  Please help, how do I navigate this delicately without further alienating her?

  1. I think you probably should have spoken to her first about whether or not the child's birthday being on the same day would be an issue before you settled on that date. 
  
  Who cares if she skips the rehearsal? They are not mandatory and are rarely even necessary. 
  
  2. She's a reader. Why is she being expected to wear anyone's color? Let her wear whatever she wants. 
  
  
  You are making mountains out of molehills, and you need to let these things go and go have a margarita and a cupcake. 
  
  ETA: Please clarify if she is both a bridesmaid/groomsmaid AND reader or just a reader. If a maid, whose side is she standing on? 
  
  I think it's weird you're bringing a wedding planner to dress fittings. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report27 Reply
• JoanE2012 member

  

  January 2016

  Did you not consult your VIPs (ie your FIs sister??) before setting the wedding date?
  
  A childfree wedding is perfectly acceptable.  And it's totally reasonable for her to just come on the day of the wedding.  We had no rehearsal the day before - just a quick talk through about 30 minutes before the wedding - and everything went perfectly.  It's not rocket science, I promise.
  
  Let her wear whatever color she wants.  This is not a hill to die on.  You will have this woman in your life forever - the color is not something to feud about.

  Report6 Reply
• MobKaz member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451694230 said:

  Hello everyone,
  
  I am having trouble with my future sister in law.
  
  Challenge 1:
  She has 3 kids under 6 who are not well behaved. The youngest one is having a birthday on our wedding day. We cannot change the date.  We have decided not to have children at our wedding, which is also taking place at my fiance and her childhood home. She has decided that this is a personal attack on her and we are trying to keep her from her children. She is in the wedding party and will have a reading during the ceremony. This challenge caused a bit of a meltdown between my fiance and I because it led to talk of changing the venue. She says if her children cannot attend the wedding, which is at their bed time, then she will skip the rehearsal and only come into town the day of the wedding. This is hurtful to my fiance but he will not talk with her about it. 
  
  Challenge 2: 
  We have 3 wedding colors, he picked one, I picked one and the other is more for the decor. She has decided she does not want to wear his color and will wear mine.  As of now I told her she has to wear his color, and I am bringing the wedding planner with me during her dress fitting to help deal with her.
  
  I feel this is the one day in my entire life when I get to say how things go for me. I am trying my best not to create a life long enemy, but I feel like it's becoming a battle of wills.
  
  Please help, how do I navigate this delicately without further alienating her?

  If she is in the wedding party AND additionally is reading at the ceremony, then I agree that she should wear the agreed upon color.  Was she aware of, and amenable to the color choice originally?  Why does she now want to wear the other color?  In the end, does it really matter which she wears as long as it is one of the two color choices?
  
  Why does anyone have to join her for her dress fitting?  Why would a wedding planner need to go along to fittings?  That sounds unnecessary and suffocating.
  
  Missing a rehearsal dinner is not a big deal.  Send your FSIL a copy of her reading before the ceremony.  She can familiarize herself with it in the peace and comfort of her home.  Five minutes prior to the start of your ceremony is sufficient time to clue her in as to when in the ceremony she needs to read her piece.
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2016

  I was uncomfortable having the bridal consultant or seamstress in the dressing room with me when trying on dresses (AND IT'S THEIR JOB) and you want to bring the wedding planner?  I'd be pissed if I were your FSIL.  I don't understand how the wedding planner will make your FSIL get the right color?  It's FSIL's money, no?  Bottom line is no one can tell FSIL how to spend her money.

  It's not necessary for FSIL to attend the rehearsal.  She has children to think about and attend to.  Small human lives who depend on older humans for survival will trump your wedding, all the time. 

  You have decided to not invite the children, which is perfectly acceptable etiquette-wise, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences for that decision.  You said you and your FI had a meltdown over the children's invitation.  Does that mean your FI wanted his nieces and nephews attending the wedding?  I also find it very strange that you are having a wedding at the grandparents' home, but the grandchildren are not invited.  You should have picked a different venue to help alleviate most of the problems with a child free wedding.

  Also, just because a wedding is at the bed time of children does not mean that the parents wouldn't deviate from their bed time schedule to attend the important event of their uncle's wedding.  At my wedding, my sister's and my brother's weddings, our nieces and nephews attended and stayed late into the evening.  They didn't stay until the end, but they were there for much of the 5 hour receptions.

  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2016

  Is she in the WP AND doing a reading or are you saying that she's in the WP BECAUSE she's doing a reading?   If it's the latter, you're incorrect in telling her what to wear.   If it's the former, even then I'd start to be flexible on her attire colors.   If you have WP in wedding colors what does it matter if she wants to wear them?
  
  Did you talk to your VIPs before booking the date?   Did you talk to your FFIL and FMIL about using their house on that date which also happens to be the date of their grandchild's birthday?
  
  I'm all about encouraging a couple to have an adult wedding.   As a parent myself, I do understand that my children aren't welcome to everything.    It seems a little odd to plan a wedding at the bedtime of the kids at the home of their grandparents.   I'd say it's possibly mildly inconsiderate but I also don't know the dynamics.   How old is the child?   No, you don't need to celebrate a kid's birthday on the actual birthday but when they get to a certain age, they become very much aware of what day it is and who is leaving them alone on their birthday.   DS is 1 and just wouldn't care if I left him on a Saturday night for his 2nd birthday.   But DD at 5 has been FULLY aware of at least her 4th and 5th birthdays.   And if my brother told me that he planned a party on the birthday of my daughter and she was old enough to understand that I was leaving her on her birthday, I'd pretty much think that he was a jerk.     
  
  So please share some more details here about the age of the birthday kid, how far the SIL is traveling and what she's actually doing.
  
  I think you could have salvaged a lot of this if you did a little more research on what you can and can't tell people to do and if you didn't plan your wedding date on the birthday of an uninvited family member. 

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2016

  How does your FI feel about not inviting his sister's kids?
  
  Listen, I'm not a kid person. But honestly I feel like not inviting her kids is pretty shitty. You can invite just her kids and not ALL kids. 
  
  You say you don't want to make a life-long enemy, but that seems to be where you're headed. Why does it matter which color she wears?  Why would you make your wedding planner "deal" with her? 

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• pegasuskat member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  I'm always fully supportive of child free weddings, but I think its better to include immediate family as an exception.  It sounds like your FI wanted them there also.  I think the wedding planner going with you to a fitting is very odd. Yes, as the bride you should be able to have a dream wedding, but your FI is the other half, and its his day also.... Most couples clear a date with their families, I feel like you and your FI should have known it was a child's b-day, which is a big deal to most children.  This isn't just a friends kid, this is your immediate family. 
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  First off, I agree with the others that you & your FI should've checked with your VIPs (including his sister) before scheduling your wedding.  H & I have a niece & nephew, and if our planned date was on one of their birthdays, it would've been a no-go.
  
  My nephew is 8 months (sister's baby).  If my brother were to get married on his birthday and his future wife were acting the way you are, she would absolutely become a life-long enemy.  Same goes for my niece - she was 7 when we got married.  (Husband's brother's daughter).  Had I insisted that we get married on her birthday, things would've gotten quite ugly between me & my in-laws.
  
  It's totally fine that she only come into town for your wedding & miss the rehearsal.  One of the readers at our wedding missed the rehearsal and he still did fine.  Heck, my dad missed most of the rehearsal due to a communications snafu, and it all worked out fine.
  
  
  

  I feel this is the one day in my entire life when I get to say how things go for me. I am trying my best not to create a life long enemy, but I feel like it's becoming a battle of wills.

  You need to stop this mentality RIGHT NOW.  It is absolutely false and it makes you sound like an entitled brat.  First off, it is about you & your future husband.  Secondly, the minute you involve others, it ceases to only be about you.  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451694230 said:

  Hello everyone,
  
  I am having trouble with my future sister in law.
  
  Challenge 1:
  She has 3 kids under 6 who are not well behaved. The youngest one is having a birthday on our wedding day. We cannot change the date.  We have decided not to have children at our wedding, which is also taking place at my fiance and her childhood home. She has decided that this is a personal attack on her and we are trying to keep her from her children. She is in the wedding party and will have a reading during the ceremony. This challenge caused a bit of a meltdown between my fiance and I because it led to talk of changing the venue. She says if her children cannot attend the wedding, which is at their bed time, then she will skip the rehearsal and only come into town the day of the wedding. This is hurtful to my fiance but he will not talk with her about it. 
  
  Challenge 2: 
  We have 3 wedding colors, he picked one, I picked one and the other is more for the decor. She has decided she does not want to wear his color and will wear mine.  As of now I told her she has to wear his color, and I am bringing the wedding planner with me during her dress fitting to help deal with her.
  
  I feel this is the one day in my entire life when I get to say how things go for me. I am trying my best not to create a life long enemy, but I feel like it's becoming a battle of wills.
  
  Please help, how do I navigate this delicately without further alienating her?

  Also, regarding the bolded - the day stops being solely about you when you invite other people. It's not your day, it's everyone's day. Your reception is a thank you to your guests for witnessing your ceremony. And if you think you can control everything that's going to happen, you're sorely mistaken. 

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  January 2016

  If your ceremony is at their bedtime and at their grandparents house, why can't you invite the kids and then they can comfortably go to bed inside when they're ready?  I bet this will ease a lot of stress for FSIL.
  
  I'm assuming from your post FSIL is standing on the grooms side and prefers the color of your BM dresses to the color of his suits.  That's totally fine.  It'll still look cohesive, she'll be more comfortable and it's one less hurdle in your relationship with her (which will last as long as your marriage to her brother).

  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  So you are planning at wedding at your SIL's childhood home, on one of your FI's nieces/nephews birthday.  It seems like it's OOT for her because you said would only be in town for the wedding and you decided not to invite the kids.    
  Yeah, that is a tough one to figure out why she would be annoyed.    NOT
  
  All ACTIONS (good or bad) HAVE CONSEQUENCES.      You have every right to not invite the kids.  The consequences is YOU have put your SIL in a unfortunate situation.
  
  I do not understand the color issue.  Is she on his side?  Just a reader? Both?      If she is a reader you do not dictate what she wears.  
  
  If she is on his side, are there other women on his side?   IDK, if she is the only female on his side I think it's really strange to insist she wear "is colors".
  
    Is it really horrible if she wears the same color as YOUR BM's?    That is a hill you really want to die on? A color of a dress?  Really?    
  
  Seems to me you are creating your own stress by having plans that flat out are inconveniencing for your SIL and dying on a hill over a fucking dress color.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• SP29 member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  While you have every right to have a child-free wedding, any of your guests (including your SIL) has the right to decline to attend, either because they do not choose to leave their children at home, or because they can't find a sitter.
  
  What I find weird, is that your wedding is at the family home, involving the family- who would watch your nieces/nephews?? You said they were all young, and it sounds like FSIL is coming from out of town. I can very much understand why she wouldn't want to leave her children behind.
  
  You can choose to stick to your guns about this, but you are risking creating a rift between you and FSIL and having her step down completely. Choose wisely. Myself, I'd extend invitations to the children of immediate family (i.e. any nieces/nephews). 
  
  As for your date, yes, you can technically pick any day you want, but you should ALWAYS clear the date with your VIPs (family, bridal party, nearest and dearest friends). Again, FSIL has every right to decline to attend because it is her child's birthday.
  
  FSIL does not need to attend the rehearsal. 
  
  As for the dress colour, I can see why you might be annoyed, but I'd let it go. It honestly does NOT matter. There are so many things about your wedding day that you'll try to micromanage because you think they are important details, but you won't notice most of them the day of or remember them after.... what you'll remember is the feelings and emotions you had that day, as well as the PEOPLE around you. 
  
  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2016

  The more I think about this, the more annoyed I am on her behalf. You expect your fiancé's sister to travel out of town without her 3 young children and miss one of their birthdays in the process? They obviously now have to find overnight child care for 3 kids, one of whom will have to have a postponed birthday party. And this has to happen with her dressed in the color you want because the color she wants, despite being one of the actual wedding colors, is not acceptable to you.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report13 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451694230 said:

  Hello everyone,
  
  I am having trouble with my future sister in law.
  
  Challenge 1:
  She has 3 kids under 6 who are not well behaved. The youngest one is having a birthday on our wedding day. We cannot change the date.  We have decided not to have children at our wedding, which is also taking place at my fiance and her childhood home. She has decided that this is a personal attack on her and we are trying to keep her from her children. She is in the wedding party and will have a reading during the ceremony. This challenge caused a bit of a meltdown between my fiance and I because it led to talk of changing the venue. She says if her children cannot attend the wedding, which is at their bed time, then she will skip the rehearsal and only come into town the day of the wedding. This is hurtful to my fiance but he will not talk with her about it. 
  
  Challenge 2: 
  We have 3 wedding colors, he picked one, I picked one and the other is more for the decor. She has decided she does not want to wear his color and will wear mine.  As of now I told her she has to wear his color, and I am bringing the wedding planner with me during her dress fitting to help deal with her.
  
  I feel this is the one day in my entire life when I get to say how things go for me. I am trying my best not to create a life long enemy, but I feel like it's becoming a battle of wills.
  
  Please help, how do I navigate this delicately without further alienating her?

  Challenge One: get over yourself and invite her kids! Honestly, it's at her childhood home, and you really expect her to be away from a young child on that child's birthday? Of course she thinks you are being unreasonable.
  
  Challenge Two: let her wear whatever color she wants. Grow up. This doesng matter. She isn't a bridesmaid, you don't get to decide.
  
  Apologize to her for being unreasonable.

  Report0 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  January 2016

  I'm guessing she also can't stay at her childhood home since you're having your event there. So basically, she's got to fly home, not bring her kids, miss one of their birthdays and not stay at the house she grew up in. Yup, that's totally reasonable <--- sarcasm 

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2016

  climbingwife said:

  I'm guessing she also can't stay at her childhood home since you're having your event there. So basically, she's got to fly home, not bring her kids, miss one of their birthdays and not stay at the house she grew up in. Yup, that's totally reasonable <--- sarcasm 

  I'm sure the SIL loves the idea that a visit to see her own mother and father is now going to require a stay of multiple nights in a hotel.
  
  I also wonder what kind of behavior issues we're talking about with the kids.
  
  A friend of mine didn't invite her H's niece and nephews to their wedding.   They were NOT well behaved kids.   The SIL has an entitlement complex and she forced the kids into the church where they weren't even wearing shoes.    The kids didn't hear the word no from their mom.
  
  But that's different from kids being kids.   My DD throws temper tantrums and DS will yell / cry since he lacks words.   But that's all part of a normal expectation for their age group.   I have to wonder if these are badly behaved kids or if this is an OP with a lack of understanding about them. 

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• YogaSandy member

  

  January 2016

  If my child was under 6 (he is - but hypothetical situation to fit yours) and your wedding was on his birthday and he wasn't invited, I would decline the invite. Birthdays are important to us. You have every right to have a child free wedding on whatever day you want. I also have every right to decline. I would not leave DS at home alone (without his parents) on his birthday. That is really sad.
  
  I wouldn't be upset about it (well, I would with all the other issues), but I wouldn't attend.

  Report6 Reply
• classyduck member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  In general I agree with what most others have said:
  
  It's acceptable for you to not invite children -- even given some of the awkward circumstances surrounding this choice (grandparents house, birthday, etc.). However, if I were the SIL, ... I'd probably bow out of the wedding. It's just too inconvenient. I'd be very disappointed. You haven't told us much else about the planning process... Were BM's asked to participate before a date was chosen? If so, did you check with them about the date? if you don't do that, realize, you may be excluding some people.
  
  With regard to colors.... Here is where I tend to have a pretty radically different view from almost anyone I know. I think it is rude, PERIOD, to dictate another guest's attire. If it is rude to even suggest a dress code on a wedding invitation, then it sure seems rude to me to make receiving the "honor" of being in a wedding party contingent on your wearing a certain color/dress/tux. That doesn't sound like receiving an honor to me.
  
  I'm in a HUGE minority here, so be aware. I think most of the knowledgeable regulars on these boards would disagree with me on this position. True, Knotties are usually fantastic about calling out certain widely accepted wedding traditions as actually rude, and not condoning them. But, I still can't figure out why the matchy matchy wedding party is the exception.

  Report6 Reply
• downtondiva member

  

  January 2016

  I understand wanting a child-free wedding, but I think this is unreasonable. You are asking your sister-in-law to choose between being with her child on the child's birthday and being at her brother's wedding. And you are excluding the children from a family event at their own grandparents' house. Again, when one of them is having a birthday that day. 
  
  Considering these children are family, I think you should make an exception and include them. Their behavior is their parents' problem, not yours. You are doing some serious bridge burning with your SIL right now, and it isn't worth it. 
  
  

  
  

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• KnickerGold member

  

  January 2016

  Any chance you were one of those brides who had picked the wedding date 18 months in advance (nothing wrong with that)  and the child just happened to be born on that day, a year before? Even so, the wedding is at a family home (probably no issue with it being booked a weekend before/after) and at a year out vendors could probably still move/you could find other vendors.
  
  I have never heard of someone doing a reading (unless it's also a BM/GM) being told what to wear/the color. Those doing readings at my wedding are wearing whatever they want, I'm not sure why it would make a difference what color their attire is? 
  
  Any reason why the kids can't come and stay in the house (guessing the wedding is outdoors?) or upstairs with a baby sitter?
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  January 2016

  While I'm normally supportive of adults-only weddings, the fact that you're doing this at a family home on one of the children's birthdays is leading me to side with your FSIL regarding her children.
  
  Under the circumstances, I would not be concerned if your FSIL skips the rehearsal.  She can probably figure out where she needs to be and when by following the ceremony and if the officiant announces that it's time for her to do her reading.  
  
  As to her children's behavior and bedtime, I'd just let that one be and allow them to attend, and if her children misbehave at the wedding, make clear that it's on her to deal with the situation at that time: "SIL, Johnny's bothering the other guests and we need you to put a stop to it."
  
  Also, I'd let what color your FSIL wears go.  It just doesn't seem to me like a hill to die on.
  
  
  

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  January 2016

  I'm actually concerned about the kid here. I don't think kids have to be invited to weddings (I want mine child free), but it's kinda terrible to become an aunt by excluding a child from their parents & extended family partying at their grandparents' home on their birthday.
  
  Why was this date chosen?
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  I want OP to come back ..... but I doubt she will.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• pegasuskat member

  

  January 2016

  I find it very telling that she isn't coming back for questions.  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  JediElizabeth said:

  I'm actually concerned about the kid here. I don't think kids have to be invited to weddings (I want mine child free), but it's kinda terrible to become an aunt by excluding a child from their parents & extended family partying at their grandparents' home on their birthday. Why was this date chosen?

  Let's not put all the blame on the aunt here.   I have to give a big ole "WTF" are you thinking here uncle?   
  
  I get being disappointed, but hey your plans pretty much suck for her and her family.  Her compromise is to come in on the day of.   She still is going to the wedding, but is also taking care of her family's needs.  Seems VERY fair too me considering the situation YOU have put her in.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2016

  lyndausvi said:

  JediElizabeth said:

  I'm actually concerned about the kid here. I don't think kids have to be invited to weddings (I want mine child free), but it's kinda terrible to become an aunt by excluding a child from their parents & extended family partying at their grandparents' home on their birthday. Why was this date chosen?

  Let's not put all the blame on the aunt here.   I have to give a big ole "WTF" are you thinking here uncle?   
  
  I get being disappointed, but hey your plans pretty much suck for her and her family.  Her compromise is to come in on the day off.   She still is going to the wedding, but is also taking care of her family's needs.  Seems VERY fair too me considering the situation YOU have put her in.

  YES.   FFS, can we please stop blaming just the bride when the groom should be an equal participant in the fuckery? 

  Report12 Reply
• themosthappy91 member

  

  January 2016

  Just want to ditto PP's that I would not miss my young child's birthday for my brother's wedding. Birthdays are special for little kids- and for their parents- and I think you should have either decided you were okay with the kids coming, decided you were okay with your SIL and her partner not coming, or chosen a different date. 
  
  The outfit color is really a minor issue compared to the bad blood you're creating over the birthday issue, but I say maybe if you are more willing to be reasonable about the former she will be more flexible about the latter.

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  January 2016

  banana468 said:

  
  

  lyndausvi said:

  
  

  
  

  JediElizabeth said:

  
  

  I'm actually concerned about the kid here. I don't think kids have to be invited to weddings (I want mine child free), but it's kinda terrible to become an aunt by excluding a child from their parents & extended family partying at their grandparents' home on their birthday.
  
  Why was this date chosen?
  

  
  

  Let's not put all the blame on the aunt here.   I have to give a big ole "WTF" are you thinking here uncle?   
  
  I get being disappointed, but hey your plans pretty much suck for her and her family.  Her compromise is to come in on the day off.   She still is going to the wedding, but is also taking care of her family's needs.  Seems VERY fair too me considering the situation YOU have put her in.

  
  

  YES.   FFS, can we please stop blaming just the bride when the groom should be an equal participant in the fuckery? 
  
  I was more addressing the OP than anything. Otherwise, I'd be interested in why the grandparents went along with all this, too. I wouldn't knowingly open up my home as a venue for the mistreatment of my family.

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2016

  Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy.  Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.
  
  And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this.  I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud.  Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.
  
  But I agree with Lynda.  You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well.  She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2016

  Maggie0829 said:

  Now if I were OP then I would have not only invited the nieces/nephews, but then also had a cake and balloons at the RD for the birthday boy.  Yes, it is your wedding, but that doesn't mean that everything else just stops being important.
  
  And both the OP and her FI are to blame in this.  I mean this person is the grooms sister for crying out loud.  Even if he didn't know the exact date of his nephews birthday I am sure he knows a close approximation (end of May or whatever) and probably should have talked to his sister before making a definite date for the wedding.
  
  But I agree with Lynda.  You put her is a really shitty position and I think she is handling it pretty darn well.  She will be there for your wedding which is the most important part.

  I had a cousin who got married on one of his niece's 1st birthday and another niece's 4th birthday.  Not only were all his nieces and nephews in attendance, they had a birthday cake for each of the girls and we sang Happy Birthday to them at the wedding reception.  August 4th is a very busy day on my calendar.

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