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Trimming the Guest List

Knottie1439487487Knottie1439487487 member
5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
edited January 2016 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
FI and I are trying to cut down our guest list a bit and I'm struggling. On my side, I have 161 guests and that's after cutting it down from the initial "fantasy" list that would include everyone. 111 are family, some I'm not that close to but I have a guilt complex about marking them off, and the rest are good friends (plus their dates/SO/spouses). How do you decide who to cut out? 

Follow-up question: I have two second cousins (sisters), one whose family I've been close to and the other who I like, I just don't see or talk to that often (this family happens to have 5 kids). Is it okay to invite one cousin and not the other? Or include the children from one and not the other? 
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Re: Trimming the Guest List

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    geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I have a large family and cut to just immediate family, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I chose to cut the first cousins and beyond because I didn't really have a relationship with any of them. I would prioritize the friends over family if you don't have much of a connection with the family members.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    We didn't invite anyone who wasn't in our lives on a regular basis, regardless of where they fell on our family tree, and that included not inviting my husband's maternal grandparents as a result. That's a bit extreme, I realize, but there is history there. I'm always an advocate for not feeling obligated to invite anyone just because they are family.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    Knottie1439487487 said:
    FI and I are trying to cut down our guest list a bit and I'm struggling. On my side, I have 161 guests and that's after cutting it down from the initial "fantasy" list that would include everyone. 111 are family, some I'm not that close to but I have a guilt complex about marking them off, and the rest are good friends (plus their dates/SO/spouses). How do you decide who to cut out? 
    First, imagine who you couldn't imagine being without on your wedding day. People like your closest girlfriends, the cousin you grew up with, etc. Put them in one group.
    Then, imagine all the "would be great to have" people. Put them in group two.
    The fantasy "everyone I know" list is group three. Group 3 is easy to cut. 

    Now then, it sounds like you already considered this and still have 161 people. You're fortunate to be close to so many!  But, every family has obligation invites. The cousin you haven't seen in ten years who lives across the country but is the daughter of your favorite aunt (or whatever). 
    So, if you really have to cut people due to budget, try for circles. Aunts/Uncles and first cousins only. Nobody under 18 or 21 (so long as you don't split a family that way). This isn't an exact science because you might be closer to a second cousin than a first cousin, but you know your dynamics enough to judge which lines can be drawn.  Also, weddings aren't tit for tat. An acquaintance whose wedding you attended two years ago doesn't need to be invited if you haven't made an effort to stay close to them lately. 

    My personal rule that was applied to both family and friends was, have we seen or voluntarily spoken with you in the last year? (This helped make the small wedding we really wanted, but you get the intention. Why are you inviting someone you haven't seen or spoken to in five years just because you share a few drops of blood?)
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    Knottie1439487487Knottie1439487487 member
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    AddieCake said:
    We didn't invite anyone who wasn't in our lives on a regular basis, regardless of where they fell on our family tree, and that included not inviting my husband's maternal grandparents as a result. That's a bit extreme, I realize, but there is history there. I'm always an advocate for not feeling obligated to invite anyone just because they are family.
    I need to keep this in mind for sure. This will be my second wedding and I'm just not as adamant about inviting everyone I've ever known. I'm a people pleaser so I'm always overly concerned with hurting feelings. 
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    AW3380AW3380 member
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    I have a very large family as well so there were many I had to leave out.  My rule of thumb for extended family especially was if I haven't seen them in 5 or more years, or only see them at funerals and do not communicate with them on a semi-regular basis otherwise then they were cut. 
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    nerdwifenerdwife member
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    AddieCake said:
    We didn't invite anyone who wasn't in our lives on a regular basis, regardless of where they fell on our family tree, and that included not inviting my husband's maternal grandparents as a result. That's a bit extreme, I realize, but there is history there. I'm always an advocate for not feeling obligated to invite anyone just because they are family.
    This is how we're keeping our guest list to under 75 people. Only first cousins on my mom's side are getting invited, not my on my dad's side, because those are the people I regularly interact with. That also means some aunts and uncles are not invited. It's just people we want to be there and no one we would be inviting purely out of obligation.
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    Knottie1439487487 said:
    AddieCake said:
    We didn't invite anyone who wasn't in our lives on a regular basis, regardless of where they fell on our family tree, and that included not inviting my husband's maternal grandparents as a result. That's a bit extreme, I realize, but there is history there. I'm always an advocate for not feeling obligated to invite anyone just because they are family.
    I need to keep this in mind for sure. This will be my second wedding and I'm just not as adamant about inviting everyone I've ever known. I'm a people pleaser so I'm always overly concerned with hurting feelings. 
    You know what... my husband was married/divorced before meeting me. This was a big factor in us having a small wedding. His mom had a significant say in which family HAD to be invited but it was a much smaller list than his first go-around. I think the fact that it's your second will make it a lot easier to make the cuts. He knew having all these obligation family invites did nothing to make the day more meaningful or special.
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    LD1970LD1970 member
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    We tried to do it empirically: If we hadn't hung out with you, whether family or friend, in the past year, outside of family weddings and funerals, you weren't invited. The one exception I can think of is my very best friend because he lives in Colorado and we're in NJ, so if it weren't for geography, we *would* be hanging out weekly.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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    sunflower0592sunflower0592 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Something I heard a long time ago about how to decide whether or not to keep someone on your guest list (or to put them there in the first place)- if you were out to dinner with them, would you feel inclined to pay for their meal? If not, you can probably leave them off/remove them.
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I am also big on not inviting people just because they are family, or out of obligation.

    We did make some concessions, but we also went with "if we have seen or talked to you in a year". Unless there was some reason why we hadn't seen or talked to someone, where we normally would, it means we really aren't that close. 
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    VicTim328VicTim328 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    For your follow up question, would inviting one sister and her family and not the other (or at least her kids) cause any unnecessary drama?  I'm in a similar situation, and have opted to not include the children of second cousins and beyond.

    My mom had a lot of friends on the list, and we made the most cuts there.  The rule of thumb was, "could these people tell us when my birthday was, or at least the month."  For family friends, we asked if they had a relationship with me that was exclusive of my brother and sisters. 
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
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    We went the opposite way of most of the previous posters and invited all of the aunts and uncles and cousins, even though we only saw most of them once or twice a year at most. It just felt right to us. I would have loved an intimate wedding of, say, 60 people...but instead we had 160. To me it was the right choice. 

    We didn't invite second cousins, cousins kids, great aunts, etc., and we only invited friends we were regularly in touch with (instead of inviting everyone who had invited us to their weddings). But there was just no clear family line I felt comfortable drawing otherwise, so big wedding it was. 
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