Pay/Say

bizzy592 · January 2016

My godmother recently offered to pay for my wedding dress - which is so generous of her! I wasn't expecting that, and have fully budgeted for everything on my own. I found one I liked, and asked her her come with me when I tried it on again, thinking that if she also liked it, that would be something to check off the list.

Not only did she hate the dress, but she insisted that I try on dresses for hours that are completely not me. I'm looking for something simple, classic, and elegant (for a garden wedding), and she was pulling out 80lb princess gowns covered in fake jewels and sequins. Which can be gorgeous, but not what I'm comfortable in.

I've had a difficult time wedding dress shopping in general (I have tough proportions for most common dress necklines, and look super boxy in most), and this left me feeling defeated... I may have gone home and cried to FI about feeling like a failure as a woman because I couldn't pick out a damn dress. Okay, I know, chill TFO Bizzy, it's just a dress.

Anyway, I've decided to have one made. There's a lovely dressmaker in town who is confident that she can make the simple dress that I'm hoping for. But I'm not sure what to do about my godmother - if I include her in this process I know she'll hate what I'm going with. But if I go ahead with it, and pay for the dress myself without including her, she'll likely feel slighted.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

bizzy592 said:

My godmother recently offered to pay for my wedding dress - which is so generous of her! I wasn't expecting that, and have fully budgeted for everything on my own. I found one I liked, and asked her her come with me when I tried it on again, thinking that if she also liked it, that would be something to check off the list.

Not only did she hate the dress, but she insisted that I try on dresses for hours that are completely not me. I'm looking for something simple, classic, and elegant (for a garden wedding), and she was pulling out 80lb princess gowns covered in fake jewels and sequins. Which can be gorgeous, but not what I'm comfortable in.

I've had a difficult time wedding dress shopping in general (I have tough proportions for most common dress necklines, and look super boxy in most), and this left me feeling defeated... I may have gone home and cried to FI about feeling like a failure as a woman because I couldn't pick out a damn dress. Okay, I know, chill TFO Bizzy, it's just a dress.

Anyway, I've decided to have one made. There's a lovely dressmaker in town who is confident that she can make the simple dress that I'm hoping for. But I'm not sure what to do about my godmother - if I include her in this process I know she'll hate what I'm going with. But if I go ahead with it, and pay for the dress myself without including her, she'll likely feel slighted.

Thank you so much for your offer. Since our shopping trip, I've realized that we have completely different tastes in dresses, and I really have a specific image in mind for what I'd like to wear on my wedding date. I appreciate your wanting to gift the dress to me, but since we can't come to an agreement, I'm just going to go ahead and buy the dress I want myself. Thanks again for the offer.

kvruns · January 2016

^^^^^

what she said

banana468 · January 2016

Ditto what she said.

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself with what you want.

MobKaz · January 2016

Your aunt's offer would be generous if there were no stipulations attached to it. Sadly, this is not the way to "gift" someone. While I agree with the script @adk19 suggests, if the intention of your aunt was to truly "gift" you, an "agreement" upon which dress to select should not be necessary. Your aunt should give you a monetary guideline and you should be able to select the dress of your choice.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Yes, usually when you pay you get a say. But I think picking out your dress is the exception to this rule. I think it is really shitty that the person paying feels that they can dictate what you are going to wear. So tell her thanks for the offer but that you want to be able to pick a dress of your own choosing so you will be covering the costs.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

MobKaz said:
Your aunt's offer would be generous if there were no stipulations attached to it. Sadly, this is not the way to "gift" someone. While I agree with the script @adk19 suggests, if the intention of your aunt was to truly "gift" you, an "agreement" upon which dress to select should not be necessary. Your aunt should give you a monetary guideline and you should be able to select the dress of your choice.
_____box?_____

Maybe the godmother will hear this and realize that she's putting these stipulations on a gift. Maybe she'll end up buying the dress anyway. Or maybe she'll just write a generous check and say that it's to go to the dress or anything else the OP wishes.

bizzy592 · January 2016

I definitely do need to stand up for myself on this, as much as I like to avoid conflict. Our senses of aesthetic are so far apart, that I can't imagine including her in any more of the dress making/choosing process without feeling criticized.

Hopefully when I tell her that I'm having a dress made she'll lose interest in any involvement, but if not, you're right, directness is the way to go.

levioosa · January 2016

I'm totally on board with the "pay gets say," deal, but this is one of those exceptions to the rule, just as ceremony type, WP attire/members, and any involvement of religion in the ceremony are.

SP29 · January 2016

Yeah, no one should have any say in what YOU physically wear on YOUR body. I suppose your godmother *can* have a say, but you are also free to decline her offer if you don't like what she has to "say".

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