How to Approach MOH with my concerns - Need Help ASAP!

Knottie1428783917 · January 2016

I got engaged a year ago and started planning for my May 2016 wedding. I asked my MOH to be my MOH a year ago and her daughter is my flower girl. I picked out a dress back in October and gave my friend the details. She has been having a lot of financial trouble and I have offered countless times since October to buy her dress and the flower girls. I offered to pay for hair and makeup as well but she refuses to accept my help. I called her yesterday to ask about ordering her dress as we have to order by the 25th to get it 2 weeks before the wedding at this point. She told me her identity was stolen and her bank accounts hacked and couldn't even begin to think about her dress. I apologized and we began to talk about the bridal shower which she wants me to plan and pay for but doesn't want any of my family or my FI's family to help. I am so stressed at this point that she won't have her dress and she won't let me help that I am considering asking her to be a guest instead of my MOH. Is this the right move? What are my other options?

AddieCake · January 2016

Knottie1428783917 said:

I got engaged a year ago and started planning for my May 2016 wedding. I asked my MOH to be my MOH a year ago and her daughter is my flower girl. I picked out a dress back in October and gave my friend the details. She has been having a lot of financial trouble and I have offered countless times since October to buy her dress and the flower girls. I offered to pay for hair and makeup as well but she refuses to accept my help. I called her yesterday to ask about ordering her dress as we have to order by the 25th to get it 2 weeks before the wedding at this point. She told me her identity was stolen and her bank accounts hacked and couldn't even begin to think about her dress. I apologized and we began to talk about the bridal shower which she wants me to plan and pay for but doesn't want any of my family or my FI's family to help. I am so stressed at this point that she won't have her dress and she won't let me help that I am considering asking her to be a guest instead of my MOH. Is this the right move? What are my other options?

She wants you to plan and pay for your shower? Huh? That's not appropriate. As for the dress, Leave it alone. If she can't get her dress, she takes herself out of the wedding, and no big deal.

jacques27 · January 2016

You should not be involved in any way for your shower. If she can't afford to throw you one, she isn't required to. If she had already offered to throw you one and you accepted, I would consider offering her an out on that considering her circumstances. Unfortunately, that means you don't get a shower unless someone else offers to throw you one. It doesn't have to be the MOH. Anyone can offer, but you shouldn't be involved otherwise beyond graciously accepting (or declining) the offer.

Beyond that, you can offer one last time to help. Instead of outright offering to buy the dress, just say "let me know if there is anything I can do to help you with getting the dresses" and leave it at that. She either finds a way to obtain the dress in time for the wedding or she doesn't and effectively removes herself. Keep in mind, she could also search for the dress on eBay or similar sites, find a way to pay rush shipping, etc. Just leave the ball in her court and if come wedding day she doesn't have it then she doesn't walk. But you shouldn't kick her out of the wedding, risking your friendship, in anticipation of her not getting it.

Knottie1428783917 · January 2016

Thanks for the responses. My wedding party is small, it is just the MOH, a junior bridesmaid and the flower girl so I may only end up with a junior bridesmaid after this. My MOH was the one to say she wanted to host the bridal shower and I offered her an out by saying that my FI's family would really love to help her with the shower but she said she didn't want help, that I could plan it and they could decorate her house if they wanted to help. I hate to say it but I am thinking we probably won't be friends after this. My FI's mom already said she is throwing a bridal shower and inviting her and she can throw one herself if she wants but she doesn't want me to not have a shower. I have definitely tried to give her outs or help, the dress is even through Weddington Way so she can rent it instead of buying but I guess I should leave it be and see how things play out. Thanks for the reponses.

CMGragain · January 2016

Not all brides get showers. My daughter didn't. My own shower was really a party for my narcissistic mother, and none of my friends were invited. I think you don't get a shower, either. No loss.

My daughter's MOH couldn't afford her dress, so daughter quietly paid for it. Good decisions, and she doesn't regret it. Their friendship was more important than a the cost of a dress.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

Your friend supposedly had her identity stolen and her bank account and other personal info compromised, and you want to end the friendship because she doesn't want to plan a shower for you?

Back in October when you "picked the dress" did you 1st ask her what her budget was for a dress? Or did you say, "Hey I found this dress and I love it! What do you think?"

Knottie1428783917 · January 2016

That's not my reason for ending our friendship and yes I asked what her budget was to which she replied $250. The dress I picked was $150 to buy and $75 to rent. I asked if she wanted hair and makeup and she said yes after I told her how much it was and I paid the deposit for it. I could care less if I have a bridal shower or not and guess I should have left that out. My concern is she is in over her head and won't accept any help from any one. I don't want to see 2 out of 3 of my wedding party attendants not being able to walk. I also don't want to see my friend struggle but she won't accept any of my outs. That's why I asked what I should do.

Knottie1428783917 · January 2016

And let me add that the only reason I mentioned the bridal shower was because after she told me of what happened, she brought up the bridal shower saying she wants to be the one to throw the bridal shower but she wants me to plan it and pay for it. That was why I brought that up, I never asked for a shower.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

So why are you planning on ending this friendship?

Knottie1428783917 · January 2016

The reason I say that is because my friend, though I love her, is controlling. I know that because my family wants to throw me a bridal shower that she will be angry and feel they are intruding on her space. The reason I know she will react that way is because in the 3 years that we have been friends, she has gotten angry in any situation that doesn't go the way she wants it. I love my friend and don't want to hurt her feelings and want her by my side but also don't want to offend her about the dress, which is my concern and why I asked the question. So my comment was because I am not sure that when this wedding is over if she will want to be my friend if she can't walk because she doesn't have her dress and because I don't want to pay for another bridal shower. I have no intentions to end our friendship, I just don't know if we will be friends after the wedding.

lc07 · January 2016

Yet another example of why I think we should all just have our wedding parties wear whatever they want like regular guests. Specific clothing is not more important than specific people.

Jen4948 · January 2016

Knottie1428783917 said:

And let me add that the only reason I mentioned the bridal shower was because after she told me of what happened, she brought up the bridal shower saying she wants to be the one to throw the bridal shower but she wants me to plan it and pay for it. That was why I brought that up, I never asked for a shower.

I would just tell her that you're sorry for what happened to her, but as you cannot pay for a party you are not hosting, you'd prefer to forgo a shower.

As for the dress, let her worry about that. If she doesn't get it, she'll have taken herself out of your wedding party.

SP29 · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

Knottie1428783917 said:

And let me add that the only reason I mentioned the bridal shower was because after she told me of what happened, she brought up the bridal shower saying she wants to be the one to throw the bridal shower but she wants me to plan it and pay for it. That was why I brought that up, I never asked for a shower.

I would just tell her that you're sorry for what happened to her, but as you cannot pay for a party you are not hosting, you'd prefer to forgo a shower.

As for the dress, let her worry about that. If she doesn't get it, she'll have taken herself out of your wedding party.

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How to Approach MOH with my concerns - Need Help ASAP!

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