How to deal with flaking in-laws filled with empty promises?

[Deleted User] · February 2016

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

nerdwife · February 2016

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

Uh, this is all ridiculous. I assume that since you're getting married, you are a grownass woman. As such, you and your FI (who I assume is a grownass man) are financially responsible for your own lives, which includes your wedding.

It was beyond tacky and gross for you to ask his parents to pay for the wedding or the rehearsal dinner. However they responded pales in comparison to the utter rudeness of you and your FI.

Your attitude is atrocious.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

You asked your mil if she planned to contribute to your wedding? Why can't you and your FI pay for your own damn wedding?

Soubds like only your FIL made promises he hasn't fulfilled, everyone else hasn't promised anything. You've expected it for some reason.

Entitled people are a pet peeve of mine.

MyNameIsNot · February 2016

All this with the in-laws is because you asked them to contribute. You brought all that on yourself and caused all the problems because you rudely put them in a horrible position.

I'm way more disgusted that your parents are delaying retirement for a year to pay for your wedding. How could you take their money knowing that?

geebee908 · February 2016

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

Wow, entitled much? The problem here is you. The only people responsible for paying for the party to celebrate your marriage is you and your FI. It's incredibly rude for you to ask anyone for money to help pay. If it's offered, you should be very grateful and show that gratitude. No one owes you anything for this.

The old traditions of who pays for what has gone out the window. There are too many family situations that land outside that "norm" for that to work any longer. If you're mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to pay for it yourself.

You FMIL may not have the means and may be using avoidance to get around saying no to your face, but she has every right to say no and you don't get to say how she or anyone else spends their money.

themosthappy91 · February 2016

Copy-and-pasting my response from duplicate thread:

Okay, I'm going to try to respond to this as gently and succinctly as possible, but there is a lot going on here.

1. This post is not going to go over well in this community because, frankly, you sound very spoiled and do not present yourself in a good light here. I PROMISE you that many, many regular posters on this forum have posted similar things, gotten called out on their rude behavior, and learned a valuable lesson from it so please don't be scared away by blunt comments (which you will get). Take what they say to heart and know that everyone understands people sometimes get wedding goggles and don't realize how absurd they are being- I know I've been there.

2. You should never, ever have asked your in-laws (or parents) if they are financially contributing to your wedding. It was rude to put them in that position and honestly I can't fault them that much for avoiding responding to you, because they never should have been asked that in the first place. You should be planning the wedding you can afford and trust that if they want to help out they will offer on their own account.

3. To me, it is not really an admirable quality that your parents would delay their retirement just to pay for your wedding- that seems a little crazy and I don't understand why you and your FI would even consider letting them do that. If they want to contribute what they can comfortably afford right now that's a lovely gesture, it seems like everyone's priorities are way out of whack if they are literally considering working an extra year to pay for a party.

4. The whole bit about your FSIL shoes and hair is confusing because she/her parents never should have been expected to pay for those things in the first place. If you want her to wear certain shoes or have her hair professionally done, as the bride you are 100% expected to pay for that. If you didn't want to pay for those thing she should have had the option to decline getting them, which I'm not sure she had from the way you phrased it.

5. You should absolutely still give gifts and honor your FILs because they really haven't done anything wrong other than be put in a bad position by you and not handle it as maturely as they maybe could have. When brides and grooms honor their parents at the wedding, it's a way of thanking them for raising this great person you are getting to marry- not thanking them for their financial contributions to the day itself.

My advice would be to apologize for putting them on the spot by asking for money and plan the wedding you and your H can afford with whatever help your parents want to give within reason. I hate to say it but you and your FI are really the ones in the wrong here.

Knottie1431006189 · February 2016

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

I'm sorry, but you need to pay for your own wedding. Them not paying for your wedding isn't 'negligent' and it's kind of shocking/sad to me that you would say this. If I were them, I wouldn't want to give you anything. I feel bad for them

Your fiance shouldn't be 'ashamed' of them, he should be ashamed of you.

Sigh. You don't ASK people to give you money for something you want. This is called begging and I personally would be HUMILIATED to ask someone for money, even my own parents. That's low. And if my parents had to put off retirement to pay for MY wedding, well, that wouldn't happen because they are more important than a party. At least to me. A party is a luxury and I don't understand people who have giant weddings that can't afford them. You are one of these people. Have a small wedding that you and your fiance can comfortably pay for so people that are aged 60+ don't have to work another year! Really. Please don't do this to them.

*If someone offers to contribute, GREAT! You say thank you and then don't count on it until you get the check in your hand. And when you do, say thank you again!

banana468 · February 2016

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'?

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

OK, to the bolded, on your FMIL's side, there are no empty promises other than failure to get back to you. Quite frankly, I think you're being rather daft. Her "I'll get back to you" is her way of saying that she's not comfortable talking about this and/or it's not a financial possibility. So drop it.

That your FFIL has said that he's going to contribute and hasn't is a bummer. But if the man is absent from your FI's life, are you surprised?

Plan for the wedding you and your FI can afford based on the money you know you have.

To answer your questions:
1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

This is pretty shitty. Giving a gift to your ILs has nothing to do with rewarding them. It's about thanking them for the role they had in your FI's life in raising him. Don't treat it like some kind of a system for helping plan your wedding. If you get that concept out of your head now you'll be entering adulthood without this massive chip on your shoulder you appear to have.

Second, the only person who made any promise of a gift is your FFIL who has been absent (see above). So again, stop trying to put the blame on them.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

Are you honestly planning to make some kind of speech that doesn't include them? You want to make a visible exclusion at your wedding? Exactly how do you think you'll look? Do you think you'll look like the bride who overcame wedding planning in spite of her in laws or the bride who can't be happy for what she has?? I guarantee you more of your guests will think of the latter.

Also, most couples I know don't make a speech at the wedding itself. So unless the speech is, "We want to thank all of you for coming here today and being such a big part of our lives. We thank all of you for sharing in this with us," then drop it. Because no one wants to show up for a created drama fest.

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

Exactly what do you think will happen? Do you think your FMIL will suddenly hear her DIL talk to her and suddenly she'll say, "Yup. She's right. I didn't spend enough money on a party." Or do you think she'll say, "Get a load of this girlfriends! My son has picked quite the beauty here who thinks she gets to tell me how to spend my money that may or may not even exist!"

And what do you think will happen with your mythical kids? Are you going to say that you're only going to go to see your ILs for holidays if there are presents? What if it's some T shirts and you wanted a pedal car? The answer is that you teach your kids to be happy with what they're given and don't treat their grandparents as cash cows. THAT IS WHAT YOU DO.

Take some steps back, check the attitude and stop asking people for money. And realize that the things you're proposing here are so monumentally selfish that you should feel terrible about the things you're doing. So stop this now Veruca.

ShesSoCold · February 2016

I only got through about half of this post before my mind started saying over and over and over "what the fuck is wrong with you?", among other things that I don't want to get a warning for saying.

Edited because my sentence didn't make sense.

jacques27 · February 2016

If "people without integrity" peeve you, what are your thoughts on entitled people?

No one has any responsibility to pay for your wedding except you, regardless of tradition. Traditionally, the bride's family paid a dowry to the groom. You following that tradition, too?

You were wrong (and incredibly rude) to even ask her. You don't ask people, even your parents, to give you money so you can throw a party. Offering to give money is one thing (and you shouldn't plan on it until money is in hand). Expecting and asking for it is rude and entitled.

Don't bring it up again. Don't be passive aggressive and withhold things because you feel she (and it's very clear be she you actually mean her wallet) wasn't "there for you" to pay for your party. Parent gifts aren't about rewarding them for giving you money (because essentially then they bought their own gift with the money they are giving you for the wedding - how stupid is that?) - it's about thanking them for raising you and standing by you as you start a new family with your spouse. And finally, you continue planning things based on what you and your fiance can afford to pay for yourselves. If she later offers to contribute and gives you money, then you can put it toward something else or pad your savings or retirement accounts.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2016

Answered in the 1st post, but

Knottie77875565 said:

I will first state that my fiance is a great man and til this day I'm utterly surprised and amazed how him and his siblings became such wonderful people.

Long story short (in my eyes) my future in-laws lied about financially contributing to our wedding without any communication or notification of their broken promises. Let's first start with my mother in law. We asked months ago (We asked August 2015/ wedding is June 2016) if she plans to financially contribute anything to the wedding. You should never ask people for money. It's rude. If your parents intend on giving you money towards your wedding, they will, without being asked. In response, she said she will call back. That's been about six months ago, no response as of yet. If you can't do it, why not fess up to it to give me time to prepare and make other arrangements if needed. Of course I would be bummed, but I'd understand. You guys put her in an awkward and uncomfortable position, and IMO she's trying to gently give you guys the hint that she doesn't care to contribute to your wedding. . . by not responding.

Traditionally, the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We made another attempt to ask if she will contribute to this, she said she will call back, yet again no response. Surprise, right? So now my mother, fiance, and I will also have to financially pay for the rehearsal dinner as well as all other wedding items, due to her negligence and her non-responsive attitude. Uh, no. You and your FI are adults, I assume since you are getting married, and you and your FI are the ones getting married so you two should be the ones to pay for it. Surprise, right? Your FMIL is in no way negligent if she is choosing not to contribute to your wedding. Traditionally the bride's father arranged the marriage and provided a dowry of money, land, and goods to the groom. . . is your father doing that? Is he negligent if he is not? Of course I discussed with my fiance why is she like this; were there some mitigating circumstances I don't know about? Unfortunately, my fiance was not surprised and this is normal.

I feel that my FML (future mother- in - law) assumes that since I'm the only child that my parents are super rich; but what she doesn't know, is that my parents were willing to work an additional year (they are close to retirement) so they can help me pay this wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much of a selfless and wonderful couple I was blessed to call to my parents, I don't know what does. You are projecting too much on your FMIL. I think it's safer to assume that she assumes since her son is a bloody adult that he should be able to pay for his own wedding, and if not he should have the sense to lengthen the engagement to save up for his wedding, or scale back the wedding plans to something that he can actually afford, or perhaps get a second job to bring in extra cash, etc.

Let the messiness continue:
FML's daughter (my future sister in law) is a participant in the wedding, but she is at an age where you would normally go through the mother to discuss wedding business. What? What does this even mean? Since FML stated that she had a financially strain a couple of weeks ago (now she wants to say something), my fiance and I decided to pay for the young lady's shoes and hair (saving FML about $150.00). Can you believe this woman didn't communicate back to us with a 'thank you'? Depending on your attitude and her son's attitude, yes, I can believe she might be limiting contact with you guys. If you want to do something nice for someone, you should just do it. . . without expecting a pat on the head for doing the right thing, then getting butthurt when you don't get that head pat.

Dad:
His father was pretty absent in their lives growing up yet he promises and offered up and down he will financially contribute X amount of dollars by X date. That date came and went, nothing at this time. Don't count on other people's money until the cold, hard cash is literally in your hands or they check has cleared in your bank account.

Overall:
I feel frustrated that these people created empty promises; and instead of being honest, they faded into black and let others pick up their pieces. If you or he directly asked people for money, you put them in an awkward position. NO ONE is under any obligation to help you two pay for your own wedding- not his parents nor yours. If your parents choose to give you money, that's fantastic, but don't expect the same from others and then get angry at them when they choose not to give you money. I'm sadden that my fiance feels embarrassed of his parents' actions; but one thing I will not allow, is for him to be ashamed of himself because he is nothing like them and he is a wonderful person. I'm pissed that this made him revert back to that little kid assuming his parents are going to promise him something, but with no follow through. You can't really control how he feels, though. Sure you can be supportive and try to raise his spirits, but if he's going to be upset that's just something he has to work through on his own. If he feels bummed out that his parents aren't giving him money for his wedding, that's an issue of him learning to manage his expectations. . . in that he never should have expected the money in the 1st place.

I'm sorry for the rant, but my requests for advice are as follows:

1) Particularly if the in-laws don't come through with what they promised by wedding day, should we bother giving my in-laws a gift? We already purchased diamond jewelry and - though petty- I feel these individuals don't deserve it. My fiance agrees as well.

That's super, super, fucking petty. Gifts are not quid pro quo transactions, they are meant to be a heartfelt token of appreciation for another person. Don't act like petulant, spoiled brats, please.

I'm telling you right now- forget about getting money from his parents. It's not going to happen. Don't be foolish and add this fictions contribution from his parents into your wedding budget, spending money you don't have, which will then result in you scrambling to make up the difference later on. We see that shit all the time on these boards, and it never ends well. . . for the guests that attend these weddings, because the couple almost always plans on cutting back on things that matter to the guests (food, drink, seating, etc.) rather than cutting back on the superfluous crap that doesn't matter to the guests but are a part of the couple's "vision" (flowers, decor, centerpieces, bridal gown, etc.)

Don't be that couple.

2)Heck, should we thank them at all at our wedding and only praise those who were there for us during this time?

Being "there for you during this time" SHOULD NOT actually mean "those that gave us money for our glorified party." Because that is exactly what you are inferring with that phrase in the context of your post, and that's all a wedding reception is- a glorified party.

You should thank anyone and everyone who was there for you during this time in that they supported and embraced your relationship with your FI.

Stop being spiteful and petty.

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

No. Stop fucking asking people for money. Take the hint- you already asked his parents for money, their silence should be telling. And get the fuck over the fact that they don't want to give you guys money. You're not entitled to their money to pay for your own damn wedding!

Sure, it would be great if they paid for the RD or gave you a chunk of money for the reception, like your parents, and be a little bummed. But recognize that, again, you two are adults who should be capable of paying for your own events, on your own, and move on.

Stop being dramatic and extrapolating this situation out to how your FIL will be with your nonexistant children, and stop fanning this flame with your FI. If he has issues with disappointment with his parents stemming from childhood, he should probably start working those issues out.

I'm so sorry for such a long post, but people without integrity are a huge pet peeve of mine.

People who don't want to pay for other people's glorified parties lack integrity? You are super judgmental and entitled, and it's unbecoming.

lembaslover · February 2016

@banana468 This is what I had in my head from reading OPs post and based on your last sentence it sounds like you did too!

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/jMusG7sxBqCze/giphy.gif

sparklepants41 · February 2016

marriedhamstermom said:

@banana468 This is what I had in my head from reading OPs post and based on your last sentence it sounds like you did too!

Get out of my head, @marriedhamstermom! I was just searching for a Veruca Salt gif!!

crowsgirl15 · February 2016

This post cannot be real. I can't handle living in a world where this is real.

But if it is...OP, asking his parents for money was rude. Them "flaking" on a promise you basically guilted them into making is unfortunate, I guess, but hardly makes them bad people worthy of being cut out of the wedding. The fact that you think your fiance is such a "wonderful person", but he would put his parents in this position, is telling to me.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're both great people who have been driven crazy by this wedding. It's time to take a step back and figure out what's most important. Spoiler alert: it's not your wedding.

banana468 · February 2016

marriedhamstermom said:

@banana468 This is what I had in my head from reading OPs post and based on your last sentence it sounds like you did too!

Having kids of my own now, I am doing what I can to make sure that my daughter acts nothing like the OP.

At least Chiquita is 5.

I assume that the OP is a grown up which is just so sad. She's been raised to believe that this is what she "deserves" right down to the parents who are actually working for an additional 52 WEEKS to pay for something that will last for maybe 12 HOURS.

thisismynickname2 · February 2016

I can't. Is OP real? A troll? People this entitled exist?

Where in the world did you get these expectations? How old are you? What do you and this wonderful FI do for respective livings?

You expect everyone else to pay for this wedding? Do you have a dowry too?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2016

banana468 said:

marriedhamstermom said:

@banana468 This is what I had in my head from reading OPs post and based on your last sentence it sounds like you did too!

Having kids of my own now, I am doing what I can to make sure that my daughter acts nothing like the OP.

At least Chiquita is 5.

I assume that the OP is a grown up which is just so sad. She's been raised to believe that this is what she "deserves" right down to the parents who are actually working for an additional 52 WEEKS to pay for something that will last for maybe 12 HOURS.

At some point people become adults who are capable of forming their own thoughts and opinions, independent of how they were raised. So I think it's unfair to assume the OP's parents raised her to be this entitled.

Even the most crunchy, hipster, millennial helicopter mothers aren't doing what they do with the goal that their children will act like brats as adults. It's an unintended side effect of parents who are at their core very well meaning.

I feel very badly when I see parents who are deeply upset by the choices and actions of their adult kids- it's not always a reflection on the parents at all, and it breaks my heart to see them feeling that way. I can't even imagine what that kind of guilt and disappointment feels like.

whoabethers · February 2016

Everyone else has already said this, but you should never ask someone to help you pay for your wedding. I think you're just getting wrapped up in some wedding crazy-ness. Take a step back here and consider apologizing to his mom so you're all back in good graces.

banana468 · February 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

marriedhamstermom said:

@banana468 This is what I had in my head from reading OPs post and based on your last sentence it sounds like you did too!

Having kids of my own now, I am doing what I can to make sure that my daughter acts nothing like the OP.

At least Chiquita is 5.

I assume that the OP is a grown up which is just so sad. She's been raised to believe that this is what she "deserves" right down to the parents who are actually working for an additional 52 WEEKS to pay for something that will last for maybe 12 HOURS.

At some point people become adults who are capable of forming their own thoughts and opinions, independent of how they were raised. So I think it's unfair to assume the OP's parents raised her to be this entitled.

Even the most crunchy, hipster, millennial helicopter mothers aren't doing what they do with the goal that their children will act like brats as adults. It's an unintended side effect of parents who are at their core very well meaning.

I feel very badly when I see parents who are deeply upset by the choices and actions of their adult kids- it's not always a reflection on the parents at all, and it breaks my heart to see them feeling that way. I can't even imagine what that kind of guilt and disappointment feels like.

You're right. I made some serious assumptions that the OP's parents condone this and there is nothing that gives that impression.

What I will say is that I'm trying to raise a kid to be grateful for what she has and what's she's given. That doesn't mean that I can guarantee she won't be an ass when she grows up but I'm going to try to lay the groundwork so that she's not feeling entitled when she's older.

MandTFebruary62011 · February 2016

wow. I won't say much because I'm sure others will. HOWEVER, PLEASE remember that these people are your fiance's family and in a short time they will be your family. While I disagree that you have the right to be upset about any of this (you don't ASK for money- people offer it and I would be uncomfortable saying "no" if I were asked too! Which is why you don't ask!) - the biggest thing I feel needs to be said is that we don't always love how our family acts. Sometimes we are right, sometimes we are wrong, but no matter how much we don't love it they are still family. Do you really want to start off your life as part of this family being spiteful and petty? Do you really want to put your wonderful fiance in the uncomfortable place of being in the middle torn between his future wife and his family?

Be loving toward him and be graceful with his family.

ETA: spelling grrr

flantastic · February 2016

Oh my.

Your ILs are fine. Gracious, even. I think you and your FI should apologize to everyone for acting as if you were entitled to their money to throw a party.

Then drop it, and pay for a wedding you can afford. I assume your parents' contribution has been spent, or I would return that and let the poor people retire in peace.

And honor everyone who are your parents and have acted like parents to you throughout your lives, not those who paid for a party (and shoes, and hairdos) that didn't strictly need to happen.

kimmiinthemitten · February 2016

I'm just going to leave this right here.

climbingsingle · February 2016

LOL. Good luck to you. I have a feeling your sense of entitlement will cause you much frustration in your life.

Pay for your own wedding. Apologize profusely to anyone you asked/badgered to financially contribute to your wedding.

geebee908 · February 2016

I find this bride's attitude has kind of rattled me. We're talking about a woman who has basically been a single mom raising her kids to the best of her abilities, I would imagine, and making sacrifices of her own finances and time to do so. Now to be cast as a flake trying to get out of paying her "portion" of the wedding expenses is unimaginable. Add to that her parents putting off retirement to pay for their party as though that's exactly what they should do for her, and I'm just upset that these people are being treated this way.

teddygirl9 · February 2016

Overall, I agree with what everyone is saying, except for 1 part - the IL gift. If you cannot afford your own wedding, you probably shouldn't be spending your parents RETIREMENT money on diamonds for your ILs. I'd return that so you can give $ to your parents. Then, plan a smaller and cheaper wedding and give a gift that YOU can afford.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

3) Should we address them with our concerns and have a serious "come to the alter" meeting? This may seem far fetched, but I fear that they will resemble these same actions with our future children and that is something I WILL NOT tolerate.

-------

Lol at number 3! Rereading this post just gets better. I love that it only 'may' seem far fetched.

themosthappy91 · February 2016

teddygirl9 said:

Overall, I agree with what everyone is saying, except for 1 part - the IL gift. If you cannot afford your own wedding, you probably shouldn't be spending your parents RETIREMENT money on diamonds for your ILs. I'd return that so you can give $ to your parents. Then, plan a smaller and cheaper wedding and give a gift that YOU can afford.

That's a good point, it seems like on all counts OP and her FI are just living beyond their means and trying to make other people feel bad about not doing the same.

I wonder if OP will come back. I'm really, really hoping this is one of those posts where the OP can react with grace and own up to temporary wedding-induced madness.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

geebee908 said:

I find this bride's attitude has kind of rattled me. We're talking about a woman who has basically been a single mom raising her kids to the best of her abilities, I would imagine, and making sacrifices of her own finances and time to do so. Now to be cast as a flake trying to get out of paying her "portion" of the wedding expenses is unimaginable. Add to that her parents putting off retirement to pay for their party as though that's exactly what they should do for her, and I'm just upset that these people are being treated this way.

I think the key word here that often gets forgotten in these types of posts is 'party'. A wedding is just a fucking party at the end of the day. Don't send your family to the poor house over it.

climbingsingle · February 2016

OP, I also find it pretty reprehensible that you're totally fine with your parents working another YEAR to fund your wedding. As if it's not enough that they provided for you for 18 years, they now need to work another 365 days to pay for a wedding.

levioosa · February 2016

Holy shit, your attitude is disgusting. Pay for your own fucking wedding like an adult. You're not entitled to anyone's money.

[Deleted User] · February 2016

This is fake, right? Nope. I refuse to believe this post is real.

How to deal with flaking in-laws filled with empty promises?

Re: How to deal with flaking in-laws filled with empty promises?

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