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Here Or There?!

prettypixelzprettypixelz member
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in Wedding 911
I've always imagined my wedding as the coming together of two families, almost like a family reunion for both myself and my husband-to-be. Where parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends alike all show up to celebrate with us and have a great time. Sadly...things are not working out quite like I had planned.

You see, I currently live near Houston, Texas with my fiancee and his family, so I've been planning to have my wedding here. Most of my fiancee's extended family also resides in Texas, and those who don't have already given their word that they will come to our wedding. However...I was raised in Southern California, and most of my family and friends reside there or in Arizona or Nevada. While my parents and siblings have all unanimously agreed to be at my wedding, I can't help feeling disappointed...

I just really wanted all of my family to be there. Obviously, my immediate family is most important, but...I'm worried that it just won't feel like my wedding if most of the faces I see throughout the night are those I don't recognize. While I'm happy to have the opportunity to meet my fiancee's aunts, uncles, and whatever else, and introduce myself to them officially as his wife, I also want so badly for my fiancee to know my cousins, family friends and the like.

I considered the possibility of having two weddings; one "real" wedding in Texas, and another "for show" one in California. But several problems arise with that idea, such as paying for twice the amount of vendors, and the fact that my fiancee is highly Christian and takes marriage quite seriously, and I don't think he'd be too keen on a "fake" wedding.

I'm sure I can't be the only bride-to-be with their family's distance becoming an issue. Please, if you have any suggestions to make my day perfect, let me know.

- Kayla
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    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    Agreed with PP. I'm doing this with my FI: we're having a wedding and reception in NJ, where I'm from. Then, within a month or two we'll head over to his home state and have a big party with everyone who couldn't travel.



    No ceremony recreation, no cake cutting, no second first dance, etc. Some people will even say you shouldn't wear a big white dress, and though I won't rewear my wedding dress, I wouldn't go that far as long as you're honest and not putting on a theatrical production.
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    PupatellaPupatella member
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    edited October 2015
    missa011 said:
    You can absolutely throw a party in Southern California where your family resides after the wedding as a celebration of your marriage. However, this can't be a "fake" wedding; no cake, no dress, etc. Don't call it a wedding. Just call it a party and have a blast with the family that couldn't make it to your wedding. This is what my parents did and it worked out just fine.
    Second this!! My FH and I are having parties in our hometowns after our wedding. It's just a backyard BBQ, informal party, where our friends and family back home can come meet our new spouse. I am really looking forward to hanging out with friends and family back home, and agree that this is a great way to spend time with loved ones that aren't able to travel.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Pupatella said:
    missa011 said:
    You can absolutely throw a party in Southern California where your family resides after the wedding as a celebration of your marriage. However, this can't be a "fake" wedding; no cake, no dress, etc. Don't call it a wedding. Just call it a party and have a blast with the family that couldn't make it to your wedding. This is what my parents did and it worked out just fine.
    Second this!! My FH and I are having parties in our hometowns after our wedding. It's just a backyard BBQ, informal party, where our friends and family back home can come meet our new spouse. I am really looking forward to hanging out with friends and family back home, and agree that this is a great way to spend time with loved ones that aren't able to travel.
    Fourthed (to get back into the right order).  There are those who side-eye post-wedding celebrations in other places, but as long as you don't try to pass them off as the actual wedding and otherwise observe etiquette, I think you're fine.
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    arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
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    edited October 2015
    FI and I live in California and we are having our wedding here. NONE of my family lives here, whereas all of his family are local. My family is spread out between Alaska, Texas, Florida, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, etc. I invited all of my family. Maybe half of my large extended family is coming. And I'm okay with that. Because the people whom I want to introduce to my FI and who are most important to me are the people who are coming. Not everyone is going to make it. You just have to get over it.

    You can have a celebration of your marriage party later in your hometown for the people who were unable to attend your wedding. HOWEVER, you absolutely CANNOT call it a wedding, because you're already married. No cake, no wedding dress, no ceremony, no first dances at the celebration party. Because it's not a wedding. Don't pass it off as one or tell people it is.
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    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    Unpopular opinion: I actually love potlucks. I see nothing wrong with them for a not-wedding party. A reception is a thank you for people who come to your wedding, and should be fully hosted. A party like this is not a thank you at all though, and a potluck is no less appropriate than it would be for any other party.
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    arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
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    I suppose I will have my wedding in Texas, and then throw a party in California. Heck, I could even reuse the decorations from my wedding and make it pot-luck. Thank you for the advice, guys. I appreciate it. :)
    No.
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    redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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    JediElizabeth said:
    Unpopular opinion: I actually love potlucks. I see nothing wrong with them for a not-wedding party. A reception is a thank you for people who come to your wedding, and should be fully hosted. A party like this is not a thank you at all though, and a potluck is no less appropriate than it would be for any other party.

    No, sorry, try again. If you're inviting me to celebrate your marriage, I should not be supplying the food for it. I'd mostly likely already be bringing a gift so you're going to ask me to bring food as well? Nope nope nope. Also, it's for her entire extended family that didn't go to the actual weddin- sounds like a lot of ppl since she's that upset about them not going. So how would s potluck ever guarantee enough food for everyone? I would make one dish, maybe enough to feed like 5-6 ppl, 10 tops. I'm sure as fuck not making enough to feed 20,30,50 people.
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    ryanandjoe4ryanandjoe4 member
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    redwoodoriginal said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    Unpopular opinion: I actually love potlucks. I see nothing wrong with them for a not-wedding party. A reception is a thank you for people who come to your wedding, and should be fully hosted. A party like this is not a thank you at all though, and a potluck is no less appropriate than it would be for any other party.

    No, sorry, try again. If you're inviting me to celebrate your marriage, I should not be supplying the food for it. I'd mostly likely already be bringing a gift so you're going to ask me to bring food as well? Nope nope nope. Also, it's for her entire extended family that didn't go to the actual weddin- sounds like a lot of ppl since she's that upset about them not going. So how would s potluck ever guarantee enough food for everyone? I would make one dish, maybe enough to feed like 5-6 ppl, 10 tops. I'm sure as fuck not making enough to feed 20,30,50 people.
    I think this is also going to be the unpopular opinion, but this is also a know your crowd type of thing, I have been to plenty of pot-luck events where there is so much food left over, people are begging them to take stuff home. FI's family has changed my mind about pot-lucks. Almost every event is a pot-luck or becomes one because they all offer to bring or just bring something. now for a wedding nope, but any party celebrating with my FI's crowd I would be fine with it, my family not so much.. for the mixed event we usually make the main dish, and a side or two, then if people offer to bring stuff let them.
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    prettypixelzprettypixelz member
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    Wow, I had no idea people hated potlucks so much. Any party or gathering I've ever been to has been potluck, and it was never complained about. Most of my family members have even gotten used to asking, "Do you want me to bring anything?", when they're invited to a party. I imagine if I did have a wedding party thing, there would be roughly 20 people there, tops. If each family group brings one dish, what you end up with is so-and-so's amazing bean dip, so-and-so's awesome fried chicken, and so forth. Also, I under no circumstances would expect a gift from my guests, either at my actual wedding or at a party. That being said, I don't think asking them to cook one dish and bring it is unacceptable. And if you can't afford to bring a dish, that's just fine. Your company is just as welcome. Obviously, I'd provide a good base amount of food myself anyway. Probably something light, but still something to eat.
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    justsiejustsie member
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    prettypixelz said:
    Wow, I had no idea people hated potlucks so much. Any party or gathering I've ever been to has been potluck, and it was never complained about. Most of my family members have even gotten used to asking, "Do you want me to bring anything?", when they're invited to a party. I imagine if I did have a wedding party thing, there would be roughly 20 people there, tops. If each family group brings one dish, what you end up with is so-and-so's amazing bean dip, so-and-so's awesome fried chicken, and so forth. Also, I under no circumstances would expect a gift from my guests, either at my actual wedding or at a party. That being said, I don't think asking them to cook one dish and bring it is unacceptable. And if you can't afford to bring a dish, that's just fine. Your company is just as welcome. Obviously, I'd provide a good base amount of food myself anyway. Probably something light, but still something to eat.
    People hate potlucks because they can easily cause food poisoning, all it takes is someones potato salad staying in the sun for too long which can easily happen. Also, if you are hosting people it is rude to ask people to then bring things to basically host themselves. Another downside to potlucks is it really inconveniences people that have dietary requirements, are they going to have to hunt down aunt May to see if her dish is made with certain dietary requirements?
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    arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
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    AddieCake said:
    I don't necessarily hate all potlucks, but I do find them to be inappropriate for certain occasions, and this is one of them. If this party is in any way intended to celebrate your marriage, it's not right to expect other people to provide their own food for it. If it's a holiday party, a work get-together, a family reunion, a random Saturday we-all-need-to-hang-out-because-we-miss-each-other, etc, then by all means potluck it up.
    Exactly this. So don't do a potluck in your situation, even if you think people are okay with is. Your guests will be more happy to celebrate with you if they don't have to worry about cooking something,
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    I'm a "Proud Potluck Hater" ... Really the #1 cause of Food borne illness, AND Food borne illness related deaths are from potlucks.  The vast majority of society has no clue when it comes to food safety and handling.  Even if they did, they have no control whether the venue is going to have a plug for their cocktail weenies.  I had a friend put out cold fresh from the pack "Little Smokies" at her reception on Saturday (even though the package says clearly "Heat to internal temp of 165"...  Little did she know there was a NSF Digital Meat Thermometer in her wedding gift...  

    If you truly can't afford a couple party subs from Subway or a cambro of chicken from your local deli, a couple bags of chips, a $20 Costco Sheet cake, and sodas/beer/wine... I'd skip the secondary party... 

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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Count me in as a potluck hater, especially for a celebration of marriage party. For that I'm getting dressed up like I would to a wedding that time of day. I don't want to be cooking/carting around food in a cocktail dress. I also just started cooking and baking recently (I was in grad school forever and never bothered to learn), so it would stress me out have to come up with something that is appealing to a mass group of people and cook and transport it all on that day. And I'm likely getting you a present (I know you don't expect it, but some people probably will), so I don't want to spend money and cook something else on top of that.

    Finally, what about people with food allergies or diet restrictions? You know your guest list and will manage RSVPs so you'll know if people have food restrictions, would you send this information to everyone cooking? If that was me I'd be so embarrassed for you to do that.

    So, like PPs have said, have a celebration party in CA, invite all of your family, and handle all the food yourself. This doesn't have to be fancy catering, but does have to be enough for everyone invited.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I can relate, OP! FI and I live in Holland, my family is either in Canada or the US. I'm expecting huge decline rate from my side, which makes me sad. My problem, and maybe your problem too, is that I've always had a "vision" of what my wedding would look like, and it definitely included having a slew of cousins attend, most of whom I grew up with. I know how disappointing it is to let that go.

    My advice to you is to let go of the idea of the second party for the moment and focus on your wedding. Maybe your guests surprise you and you get a higher acceptance rate than you expected. You can increase these odds by sending out save the dates to your OOT guests.

    After you're married give it some time and evaluate your feelings. Are you really bummed that some of your family couldn't make it, or are you just missing being a bride? Do you really want to plan another celebration? If this is truly where you want to put your time, energy and money as a newly married couple then go for it! I *do* think it should be properly hosted, and you will be advised here to nix the typical wedding reception stuff like first dance.

    Basically in the beginning I told myself if I'm truly disappointed with the turn out then we will go to Canada and have a celebration. Now a few months into planning and I really have no burning desire to plan another big party, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't notice the absentees on my wedding.
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    ryanandjoe4ryanandjoe4 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm a "Proud Potluck Hater" ... Really the #1 cause of Food borne illness, AND Food borne illness related deaths are from potlucks.  The vast majority of society has no clue when it comes to food safety and handling.  Even if they did, they have no control whether the venue is going to have a plug for their cocktail weenies.  I had a friend put out cold fresh from the pack "Little Smokies" at her reception on Saturday (even though the package says clearly "Heat to internal temp of 165"...  Little did she know there was a NSF Digital Meat Thermometer in her wedding gift...  

    If you truly can't afford a couple party subs from Subway or a cambro of chicken from your local deli, a couple bags of chips, a $20 Costco Sheet cake, and sodas/beer/wine... I'd skip the secondary party... 

    Sorry, but I don't believe this claim is factual.  From the CDC:

    "Setting of Outbreaks (from a 2013 study)

    Among the outbreaks with a single known food preparation setting, foods were prepared most- commonly at or by:

    • Restaurants, specifically sit-down dining style restaurants: 60% of outbreaks
    • Caterers or banquet facilities: 14% of outbreaks
    • Homes: 12% of outbreaks"
    http://www.cdc.gov/features/foodborne-diseases-data/

    And from further back:
    "From 2009-2010, among the outbreaks with a known single setting where food was consumed, 48% were caused by food consumed in a restaurant or deli and 21% by food consumed in a private home."
    http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsfoodborneoutbreaks/

    The only times I have ever gotten food poisoning have been from eating at restaurants or a catered event. . .where everyone involved is supposed to have licenses, health code certifications, etc.

    I'm with Addie, potlucks for certain events are fine, but this is an event where I wouldn't advise having one, for the reasons PP's have mentioned.

    OP, why do you assume that most of your family isn't going to come to Texas for your wedding?  Has your entire extended family already said they aren't going to come?
    Your my new best friend! you ride horses, and can do research from real sources!! Also same only place I got food poisoning from is a restaurant, and I have attended many many pot-lucks, at horse shows, work, family events.. 
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    ryanandjoe4 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm a "Proud Potluck Hater" ... Really the #1 cause of Food borne illness, AND Food borne illness related deaths are from potlucks.  The vast majority of society has no clue when it comes to food safety and handling.  Even if they did, they have no control whether the venue is going to have a plug for their cocktail weenies.  I had a friend put out cold fresh from the pack "Little Smokies" at her reception on Saturday (even though the package says clearly "Heat to internal temp of 165"...  Little did she know there was a NSF Digital Meat Thermometer in her wedding gift...  

    If you truly can't afford a couple party subs from Subway or a cambro of chicken from your local deli, a couple bags of chips, a $20 Costco Sheet cake, and sodas/beer/wine... I'd skip the secondary party... 

    Sorry, but I don't believe this claim is factual.  From the CDC:

    "Setting of Outbreaks (from a 2013 study)

    Among the outbreaks with a single known food preparation setting, foods were prepared most- commonly at or by:

    • Restaurants, specifically sit-down dining style restaurants: 60% of outbreaks
    • Caterers or banquet facilities: 14% of outbreaks
    • Homes: 12% of outbreaks"
    http://www.cdc.gov/features/foodborne-diseases-data/

    And from further back:
    "From 2009-2010, among the outbreaks with a known single setting where food was consumed, 48% were caused by food consumed in a restaurant or deli and 21% by food consumed in a private home."
    http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsfoodborneoutbreaks/

    The only times I have ever gotten food poisoning have been from eating at restaurants or a catered event. . .where everyone involved is supposed to have licenses, health code certifications, etc.

    I'm with Addie, potlucks for certain events are fine, but this is an event where I wouldn't advise having one, for the reasons PP's have mentioned.

    OP, why do you assume that most of your family isn't going to come to Texas for your wedding?  Has your entire extended family already said they aren't going to come?
    Your my new best friend! you ride horses, and can do research from real sources!! Also same only place I got food poisoning from is a restaurant, and I have attended many many pot-lucks, at horse shows, work, family events.. 
    And we got off to a rocky start initially ;-)  Come sit over here by me, buddy. . . bring a side dish!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    ryanandjoe4ryanandjoe4 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    ryanandjoe4 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    MesmrEwe said:

    I'm a "Proud Potluck Hater" ... Really the #1 cause of Food borne illness, AND Food borne illness related deaths are from potlucks.  The vast majority of society has no clue when it comes to food safety and handling.  Even if they did, they have no control whether the venue is going to have a plug for their cocktail weenies.  I had a friend put out cold fresh from the pack "Little Smokies" at her reception on Saturday (even though the package says clearly "Heat to internal temp of 165"...  Little did she know there was a NSF Digital Meat Thermometer in her wedding gift...  

    If you truly can't afford a couple party subs from Subway or a cambro of chicken from your local deli, a couple bags of chips, a $20 Costco Sheet cake, and sodas/beer/wine... I'd skip the secondary party... 

    Sorry, but I don't believe this claim is factual.  From the CDC:

    "Setting of Outbreaks (from a 2013 study)

    Among the outbreaks with a single known food preparation setting, foods were prepared most- commonly at or by:

    • Restaurants, specifically sit-down dining style restaurants: 60% of outbreaks
    • Caterers or banquet facilities: 14% of outbreaks
    • Homes: 12% of outbreaks"
    http://www.cdc.gov/features/foodborne-diseases-data/

    And from further back:
    "From 2009-2010, among the outbreaks with a known single setting where food was consumed, 48% were caused by food consumed in a restaurant or deli and 21% by food consumed in a private home."
    http://www.cdc.gov/features/dsfoodborneoutbreaks/

    The only times I have ever gotten food poisoning have been from eating at restaurants or a catered event. . .where everyone involved is supposed to have licenses, health code certifications, etc.

    I'm with Addie, potlucks for certain events are fine, but this is an event where I wouldn't advise having one, for the reasons PP's have mentioned.

    OP, why do you assume that most of your family isn't going to come to Texas for your wedding?  Has your entire extended family already said they aren't going to come?
    Your my new best friend! you ride horses, and can do research from real sources!! Also same only place I got food poisoning from is a restaurant, and I have attended many many pot-lucks, at horse shows, work, family events.. 
    And we got off to a rocky start initially ;-)  Come sit over here by me, buddy. . . bring a side dish!
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I'm not a potluck hater, but this is a situation where they are not appropriate. Aside from the reasons mentioned in the PPs, how are OOT guests supposed to cook and store food?
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    Knottie1444628447Knottie1444628447 member
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    JediElizabeth said:
    Unpopular opinion: I actually love potlucks. I see nothing wrong with them for a not-wedding party. A reception is a thank you for people who come to your wedding, and should be fully hosted. A party like this is not a thank you at all though, and a potluck is no less appropriate than it would be for any other party.
    YES! Thank you! lol I can see the upset with some people - I would never write "potluck" on the invite for something like that, but I wouldn't be cooking for it either my family would - they're just like that. Aunts all get on the phone and talk about whose bringing what, all our holidays, showers, graduation/engagement/retirement etc parties are like that unless its at a restaurant. 

    Nothing wrong with having a "potluck" after party if your not asking everyone to bring it,and if you have that kind of family that just rolls that way :) 
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    Midwest2TexasMidwest2Texas member
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    JediElizabeth said:
    Agreed with PP. I'm doing this with my FI: we're having a wedding and reception in NJ, where I'm from. Then, within a month or two we'll head over to his home state and have a big party with everyone who couldn't travel.

    No ceremony recreation, no cake cutting, no second first dance, etc. Some people will even say you shouldn't wear a big white dress, and though I won't rewear my wedding dress, I wouldn't go that far as long as you're honest and not putting on a theatrical production.

    We are also doing this. Getting married here in Waco, TX where he is from. Then having a party back in Ohio at a later date to celebrate (no reception activities, just come hang out, eat some food, and have fun!).
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    Wegl13Wegl13 member
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    I think there's a fine line here as to whether this is "potluck appropriate," but I'm going to go ahead and state my UO and say, it probably is, because it sounds more like the OP wants a family reunion type of "post wedding celebration" than another fancy she-bang type of "post wedding celebration."
    OP- I agree with PPs that I wouldn't count your family all out just yet- invite who you want to come and give them enough notice and such, and I think you may well find that many of them are able to make it work. If, after the fact, you find that there are a lot of members of your family that you really wanted to meet DH that haven't yet, perhaps arranging a family get together at a VA hall about 6 months post-wedding would be a good idea. So you aren't planning some "celebration of marriage party," but the goal of getting your family together and them meeting your FI is met. Generally speaking the way that works in my family is the host arranges for the main dish (orders/cooks the fried chicken, or whatever) and the silverware and drinks, and then the rest of the family eagerly volunteers to bring a side dish or dessert (but no one is overtly asked).
    And I'm cool with the people that hate potlucks on perceived health risk principles, but I have to say the whole "what about people with allergies/food restrictions" thing has always irked me when it comes to these events, mostly because I feel like it has gotten out of hand to a degree. If it's a family affair and someone has a deadly or very serious (hospitilization) allergy, generally that's made common knowledge enough because, you know, no one wants to be the dick that killed Aunt Sal. So if Sal goes into anaphylaxis when she smells a peanut, everyone related to Sal is going to know (and remind everyone else) that hey, Sal is coming, so don't bring that amazing peanut butter cluster you always make. But otherwise, if it's a "I get sick when I eat ____" or a food restriction, I think it's your responsibility to be gentle and eat what you can of what is offered to you, and politely ask around whether a certain ingredient is in whatever dish. It's one of those things where the onus is on the host to try and make their food as accessible to their guests as possible, but the onus is also on the guest to realize that their food needs are above and beyond those of the average person, and be gracious.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    And there's yet another bonus to the potluck scenario-guests with food issues/preferences can bring something they know they can eat, and then also be open to the pleasant possibility that there will be other items they can enjoy as well.
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    justsiejustsie member
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    Knottie1453132582 said:
    And there's yet another bonus to the potluck scenario-guests with food issues/preferences can bring something they know they can eat, and then also be open to the pleasant possibility that there will be other items they can enjoy as well.
    You resurrected a zombie thread to give bad advice. 

    Another bonus, random food poisoning! 
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