Ceremony and Receptions in Different States

Knottie1450298626 · February 2016

So my fiance and I are still early in the planning process. We are considering having a smaller wedding ceremony and reception down South where my family lives and then having an additional reception in New England where the majority of his family lives.

My fiance is convinced that not many people from his family will show up to the southern wedding so that is why we would be also doing a New England reception. I believe if we give people enough time with our Save the Dates that more of his family would travel for the wedding.

This is where my issue lies, I am unsure how we would address the Save the Dates if we were to have two wedding receptions in two different states. Additionally, I am unsure how we would get an appropriate head count for each reception prior to the wedding invitations and the RSVPs.

Any information would be helpful! Thanks!

Jen4948 · February 2016

The only "wedding reception" there can be must immediately follow the wedding ceremony, wherever it takes place, on the same day with no gap between them.

It is totally okay to hold another event held on a subsequent day to celebrate the marriage, but this event is called a "celebration of marriage" and not a "wedding reception." It is treated as a separate event from the wedding itself, with separate invitations.

[Deleted User] · February 2016

Knottie1450298626 said:

So my fiance and I are still early in the planning process. We are considering having a smaller wedding ceremony and reception down South where my family lives and then having an additional reception in New England where the majority of his family lives.

My fiance is convinced that not many people from his family will show up to the southern wedding so that is why we would be also doing a New England reception. I believe if we give people enough time with our Save the Dates that more of his family would travel for the wedding.

This is where my issue lies, I am unsure how we would address the Save the Dates if we were to have two wedding receptions in two different states. Additionally, I am unsure how we would get an appropriate head count for each reception prior to the wedding invitations and the RSVPs.

Any information would be helpful! Thanks!

I agree with you. More people will travel to your wedding if they don't know they have a consolation prize later. Then, after the wedding and reception, if you feel like you really want to have another party and celebrate with people who didn't get to travel, do that. But it doesn't have to be related to your wedding. "We're going to be in your area for 4th of July/ Thanksgiving/ Christmas, and we'd like to get together with the family, particularly those who weren't able to make it to our wedding. We'll be hosting a pizza party/ backyard BBQ/ evening of dinner and dancing for those who can make it." I think you should concentrate on one thing at a time. Wedding and reception first, and maybe a second party later if you decide you want one.

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2016

You might be surprised at how many people come for the wedding. At DD's wedding over 60% were OOT ( ranging from just a few hours drive to an international flight). I know SIL and DD were surprised that some people traveled so far.

jacques27 · February 2016

Let's assume that you go through with the plan as written - you have a ceremony and reception and then later a celebration of marriage party elsewhere later. Why would you need save the dates at all? Save the dates are generally to give people who need to travel a heads up to start saving and/or if your wedding date falls on or very near a holiday. If you're indulging all your guests with multiple parties in close proximity to them, why would save the dates be necessary at all? The eight or so weeks of lead time an invitation gives them should be more than enough. You shouldn't need head counts prior to invitations going out. You host what you can afford and invite the number of people accordingly. You'll need to give your caterer final counts a week or two before the event. There shouldn't be overlap in your guest lists for these events except maybe parents and siblings.

That said, I personally feel a wedding tour is unnecessary. A make up party for people who don't want to travel isn't necessary. But if you can afford to host two parties, there isn't anything inherently wrong with it so long as you aren't calling the second party your reception - it's a separate event celebrating your marriage. I think you'll be surprised how many will travel though. Check with your VIPs and schedule a date with them that works for their schedule and traveling. You can always have get togethers with other people outside the context of your wedding the next time you're in town.

JediElizabeth · February 2016

We're not so far (NJ and New England), but my FI has family who are too ill to travel up there (as I have down here).

We're inviting everyone to the wedding. Afterwards, in deference to my FMIL and her family who can't travel, we're accepting a celebration of marriage party that she wants to throw for us. I believe that only people invited to the wedding will be invited there, though according to what I understand of etiquette, that isn't strictly required.

I'd suggest something like this. Invite everyone to the real deal, and if a lot of them can't make it, or someone offers to throw it for you, have a celebration of marriage party shortly after up in New England.

MyNameIsNot · February 2016

Send an STD and invitation to the actual wedding and reception to everyone. People will RSVP yes or no to the wedding invitation.

The latter party is not a reception, but a celebration party. You'd mail out invitations separately and request RSVPs for the celebration party. You don't have people save the date for this party or include it with the wedding invitation.

Maggie0829 · February 2016

If people decide that they don't want to travel for your wedding then I personally don't think that they deserve a consolation party a few weeks later. They don't need a party. And I think wedding tours are ridiculous. TThe couples always say it is so that their friends and family can celebrate their marriage, but personally I think it is because the couple just doesn't want the party to end. Your friends and family may be bummed that they can't make y our wedding, but they will get over it, most likely very quickly. So have one wedding. Those that want to come will. Those that can't make it will move on with their lives.

Viczaesar · February 2016

I would be disappointed if I could not attend the wedding of a loved one because I could not afford to attend and would be very happy that they were having a local celebration, personally.

AddieCake · February 2016

Why do people think they need to go on reception tours to accommodate people who can't or won't travel for the wedding?

MairePoppy · February 2016

There may be close friends and family members who can't travel for health, work, school or financial reasons. I see nothing wrong with having a party to celebrate with the guests who can't travel.

Jen4948 · February 2016

MairePoppy said:

There may be close friends and family members who can't travel for health, work, school or financial reasons. I see nothing wrong with having a party to celebrate with the guests who can't travel.

Me neither. All that's necessary is to avoid calling the party a "wedding reception" and having a PPD.

Viczaesar · March 2016

AddieCake said:

Why do people think they need to go on reception tours to accommodate people who can't or won't travel for the wedding?

I don't know why they feel like they need to, but I can understand why they would want to.

CMGragain · March 2016

AddieCake said:

Why do people think they need to go on reception tours to accommodate people who can't or won't travel for the wedding?

I don't understand this at all. When many of my family members declined to attend daughter's wedding, I just said, "Too bad for them."

Jen4948 · March 2016

CMGragain said:

AddieCake said:

Why do people think they need to go on reception tours to accommodate people who can't or won't travel for the wedding?

I don't understand this at all. When many of my family members declined to attend daughter's wedding, I just said, "Too bad for them."

While nobody has to do it, there are no etiquette rules prohibiting it either.

Sometimes people do it because loved ones are sick, pregnant, or have mobility issues and can't travel to the wedding, or can't get there because of work, military service, travel restrictions, or whatever. I don't think it needs to be "understood" why people want to go to loved ones who can't go to you.

CMGragain · March 2016

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

AddieCake said:

Why do people think they need to go on reception tours to accommodate people who can't or won't travel for the wedding?

I don't understand this at all. When many of my family members declined to attend daughter's wedding, I just said, "Too bad for them."

While nobody has to do it, there are no etiquette rules prohibiting it either.

Sometimes people do it because loved ones are sick, pregnant, or have mobility issues and can't travel to the wedding, or can't get there because of work, military service, travel restrictions, or whatever. I don't think it needs to be "understood" why people want to go to loved ones who can't go to you.

Actually, we did go to them - on a family visit, not to throw a big party. It's the party thing I don't understand.

Jen4948 · March 2016

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

AddieCake said:

Why do people think they need to go on reception tours to accommodate people who can't or won't travel for the wedding?

I don't understand this at all. When many of my family members declined to attend daughter's wedding, I just said, "Too bad for them."

While nobody has to do it, there are no etiquette rules prohibiting it either.

Sometimes people do it because loved ones are sick, pregnant, or have mobility issues and can't travel to the wedding, or can't get there because of work, military service, travel restrictions, or whatever. I don't think it needs to be "understood" why people want to go to loved ones who can't go to you.

Actually, we did go to them - on a family visit, not to throw a big party. It's the party thing I don't understand.

It's just a party. People can throw them for any reason they like. We're always telling posters here that they can throw any party they like as long as it's not a PPD. So why the hell does anybody need to "understand" why people have parties for those persons whose weddings they couldn't attend?

MairePoppy · March 2016

I'm with Jen on this one. If there are elderly relatives, for instance, who can't travel, they will probably be relieved to know there will be a local celebration. If they don't want to attend, they may decline the invitation.

AddieCake · March 2016

Yes, of course it's fine to do so, but think how many brides have come on here with 2 or 3 receptions planned to accommodate people who don't want to travel even a short distance. There was even that one who wanted a 3rd reception in another state so her sorority sisters could all be there. Enough, already.

MairePoppy · March 2016

AddieCake said:

Yes, of course it's fine to do so, but think how many brides have come on here with 2 or 3 receptions planned to accommodate people who don't want to travel even a short distance. There was even that one who wanted a 3rd reception in another state so her sorority sisters could all be there. Enough, already.

I get your point. It's just like showers. One is nice, two showers to accommodate the two families-still fine. Having three or four showers to include anyone and everyone the bride has ever met is tacky.

I didn't see the sorority bride's post, but I'd agree that's getting carried away.

Jen4948 · March 2016

AddieCake said:

Yes, of course it's fine to do so, but think how many brides have come on here with 2 or 3 receptions planned to accommodate people who don't want to travel even a short distance. There was even that one who wanted a 3rd reception in another state so her sorority sisters could all be there. Enough, already.

2 or 3 receptions for people who don't want to travel a short distance is, I agree, extreme and I wouldn't do that. And like @MairePoppy, I wouldn't do it with showers either.

But my family and friends are scattered in many places with conflicting obligations, schedules, and states of health, many of whom just wouldn't be able to make travel arrangements to attend my wedding.

So I don't mind going to visit with them after the wedding to catch up and introduce my new husband. I'm not planning to throw a whole PPD just for them, but just have a party that's nothing more than a party.

CMGragain · March 2016

Jen4948, this is exactly what I said. Family visits to introduce the new husband are great! 100% agreement with this. Having a small party is OK, too. Having a PPD style second reception - this is what I don't understand.

Jen4948 · March 2016

CMGragain said:

Jen4948, this is exactly what I said. Family visits to introduce the new husband are great! 100% agreement with this. Having a small party is OK, too. Having a PPD style second reception - this is what I don't understand.

Cool - glad to be on the same page!

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