BM irritation!

artbyallie · February 2016

Okay, but @whoabethers if one of your bridesmaids expressed that she was uncomfortable with some aspect of your chosen dress (looks like death in the color, can't wear strapless, not comfortable in sleeveless, whatever), you would prioritize your 'look' over your friend? Even if it meant she would feel unattractive or would outright drop out? I mean... just think about how that could hurt feelings.

whoabethers · February 2016

artbyallie said:

Okay, but @whoabethers if one of your bridesmaids expressed that she was uncomfortable with some aspect of your chosen dress (looks like death in the color, can't wear strapless, not comfortable in sleeveless, whatever), you would prioritize your 'look' over your friend? Even if it meant she would feel unattractive or would outright drop out? I mean... just think about how that could hurt feelings.

Right, but in my post, I specifically said, "I'm asking for preferences." So I already have the list of what people don't like, and I've been sending the ones I like to them so I'm still getting opinions. It's communicative but still not free reign.

charlotte989875 · February 2016

I've posted about this before, but I think it bears repeating; these people are your friends and family, please treat them as such. I was in a wedding where the bride cared more about the "look" than she did about people's feelings. She insisted that we wear strapless dresses that made me very self-conscious and unattractive. She threw a huge fit about us not loving the style and color and said we were ruining her wedding because when she had a vision and when she asked our opinions we gave them to her. When I told her how I felt she said that it was silly and I looked fine and she loves the dress. It sucked and this combined with some other super diva behavior is the reason she and I will never be as good of friends as we were. I saw how she treated me and other members of the wedding party, putting her vision about other people's comfort and feelings, not cool.

The reason why I always suggest letting your BM have free reign with dresses is because it is hard to find a dress that looks universally good on different women, so in order to have your wedding party be comfortable that day the easiest thing to do is allow them to pick what they wear. And this can be in a particular color or color scheme or fit the style and formality of the wedding.

Dont even vent get me started on shoes.

spockforprez · February 2016

Why is a dress more important than a friend?

flantastic · February 2016

spockforprez said:

Why is a dress more important than a friend?

BECAUSE PICTURES ARE FOREVER.

drunkenwitch · February 2016

I will never understand why a wedding suddenly means grown ass women are unable to dress themselves. I am still close to all the women I have been a bridesmaid for and outside of their wedding they are loving and loyal friends. And I understand why they got up in tne hype. But, BUT I have to wonder, why was their "vision" more important than my comfort?

scrunchythief · February 2016

short+sassy said:

adk19 said:

This. Also, if you're really going for a "cohesive look" it's going to look better if my six foot tall self is wearing flats while my 5 foot 2 friend is wearing her preferred 5 inch heels. This way we're cohesively only 5 inches apart in height rather than 10 inches apart. Just saying. And if you want me WALKing down the aisle instead of swaying/tripping down the aisle, you want me picking out my own shoes.

With all the other crazy stuff we sometimes see on these forums, I have yet to see a post where a bridezilla dictates different heel heights so her BMs look like a Rockette chorus line. The same heel height yes, but not different heel heights so they are all about the same height. I keep patiently waiting.
[...]

@short+sassy, this was not quite a rockette chorus line, but my aunt only let my mom wear heels since my mom is shorter than my aunt. The rest of the BMs were taller and had to wear flats.

OurWildKingdom · February 2016

charlotte989875 said

The reason why I always suggest letting your BM have free reign with dresses is because it is hard to find a dress that looks universally good on different women, so in order to have your wedding party be comfortable that day the easiest thing to do is allow them to pick what they wear. And this can be in a particular color or color scheme or fit the style and formality of the wedding.

Dont even vent get me started on shoes.

So true. My SIL came close with the dresses she picked: short sleeves that ended right above the elbow, an empire waist, long but in a simple line that was easy to alter. She even picked a color that flattered everyone. But SIL has retail and design experience, so very savvy.

lnixon8 · February 2016

whoabethers said:

artbyallie said:

Okay, but @whoabethers if one of your bridesmaids expressed that she was uncomfortable with some aspect of your chosen dress (looks like death in the color, can't wear strapless, not comfortable in sleeveless, whatever), you would prioritize your 'look' over your friend? Even if it meant she would feel unattractive or would outright drop out? I mean... just think about how that could hurt feelings.

Right, but in my post, I specifically said, "I'm asking for preferences." So I already have the list of what people don't like, and I've been sending the ones I like to them so I'm still getting opinions. It's communicative but still not free reign.

I still don't like this attitude. I'm 27 and THINK i know by body/skin tone enough to know what looks good on me and what I definitely won't bother even trying on. I'm not a huge shopper but its still very frequent that I'm in a fitting room, excited to see what a dress that surely makes me look like a model...only to find out that I look like a potato. I would be upset if I told my friend "just not puke green, only to find out the cocktail length navy dress is unflattering.

SP29 · February 2016

I think it's fine to have a vision- but at the end of the day, ask yourself, does this really matter? Will this matter a year from now? What is the "risk" to this vision? (Do you really want a BM who is wearing "your perfect dress" but feels like crap about it?).

I told my BM's "midnight blue cocktail dress from David's Bridal". I told them neutral shoes. Looking back, I wouldn't have stipulated the length- doesn't matter. At the time it seemed important, but the more I see brides letting BMs have their own say, the more I like it! I also think of S&TC when Carrie first was about to marry Mr. Big and M&C&S all wore different coloured bold dresses- they looked great!

In my case, one BM wore a cotton, strapless knee length dress with sparkly silver pumps. The other wore a satin, calf length dress with wider straps and nude pumps. Both looked great.

At my old job, I had two coworkers who were best friends outside of work. A was getting married, B was in the WP. A chose the dress for all 3 women in her WP- same dress. Of course they all said, "Yes, it's great!" but B complained to me about it a few times at work (B and I aren't particularly close beyond being friendly co workers). The dress was $300 before taxes, and while a pretty dress, B hated the way she felt in it. B was a much different body type than the other two BM's, and she felt the dress made her unattractive. Is that really how one would want to make their best friend feel?

I remember being a teenager and wearing items of clothing because they were "cool", even if I really didn't feel comfortable in that item. Fitting in was important as a teen. Now? Heck no. I know what does or does not look good on me and what I am or am not comfortable wearing (something may look good, but that doesn't mean I am comfortable in it).

I am impressed the OPs aunt spoke up- I think most people would say, "whatever you want bride!" because they think they have to, or are doing it for their friend. I think this is a good quality to have, and why shouldn't an adult speak up about something that pertains personally to them.

geebee908 · February 2016

This also just points up why it would be a great thing to get away from having the BP be coordinated. It's so much less stress for everyone involved if everyone could just pick out their own clothes. One less decision for the couple to make and everyone in the BP ends up wearing something they like and can afford.

charlotte989875 · February 2016

I really wish I had told my wedding party, "wear whatever you want. Seriously, anything you want". I asked them to wear long navy dresses in chiffon, and while they all looked beautiful I feel pretty stupid for even saying that. I should have told them about the venue, the time of the wedding, and the details of the wedding, and let them choose what to wear. I would have gave them matching flowers, told the photographers to make sure the take candids of them, and called it a day.

artbyallie · February 2016

lnixon8 said:

whoabethers said:

artbyallie said:

Okay, but @whoabethers if one of your bridesmaids expressed that she was uncomfortable with some aspect of your chosen dress (looks like death in the color, can't wear strapless, not comfortable in sleeveless, whatever), you would prioritize your 'look' over your friend? Even if it meant she would feel unattractive or would outright drop out? I mean... just think about how that could hurt feelings.

Right, but in my post, I specifically said, "I'm asking for preferences." So I already have the list of what people don't like, and I've been sending the ones I like to them so I'm still getting opinions. It's communicative but still not free reign.

I still don't like this attitude. I'm 27 and THINK i know by body/skin tone enough to know what looks good on me and what I definitely won't bother even trying on. I'm not a huge shopper but its still very frequent that I'm in a fitting room, excited to see what a dress that surely makes me look like a model...only to find out that I look like a potato. I would be upset if I told my friend "just not puke green, only to find out the cocktail length navy dress is unflattering.

This is an excellent point. All too often, I will pick out something I like only for it to be horribly wrong once it's on my body. And I don't even have body issues generally. Plenty of people have a specific part they are super self-conscious about concealing or just getting to look 'right' according to their own perception.

Knottie1449774681 · February 2016

Hey ladies! Here's a little update. So they got their dresses last week. I chose the coolor, capri from davids bridal, which they both liked. I didn't even tell the associate any suggestions on dresses per Ya'lls advice and watched everything go to hell. My aunt kept whining about them not being in matching dresses. I didn't say a word. I didn't even say which dresses I liked or disliked so they could have what they want.
She was pretty snippy to the sales lady, I apologised. She ended up going with a strapless dress with frills at the bottom. My step mom went with a very age appropriate dress that looked great on her. I told them I don't care about shoes so my aunt will wear stilettos with a fairly short dress. Not my problem.
With my newfound not giving any input way about me she has lost it. She has started belittling me and my FIs relationship. She has started telling me how stupid I am and all around being mean whenever she can. I do believe not caring about them was the right approach because at this point I don't even want her there.

But at least their damn dresses are done.lmao

geebee908 · February 2016

Knottie1449774681 said:

Hey ladies! Here's a little update. So they got their dresses last week. I chose the coolor, capri from davids bridal, which they both liked. I didn't even tell the associate any suggestions on dresses per Ya'lls advice and watched everything go to hell. My aunt kept whining about them not being in matching dresses. I didn't say a word. I didn't even say which dresses I liked or disliked so they could have what they want.
She was pretty snippy to the sales lady, I apologised. She ended up going with a strapless dress with frills at the bottom. My step mom went with a very age appropriate dress that looked great on her. I told them I don't care about shoes so my aunt will wear stilettos with a fairly short dress. Not my problem.
With my newfound not giving any input way about me she has lost it. She has started belittling me and my FIs relationship. She has started telling me how stupid I am and all around being mean whenever she can. I do believe not caring about them was the right approach because at this point I don't even want her there.

But at least their damn dresses are done.lmao

Sounds like you were damned if did and damned if you didn't with your aunt. She was going to be troublesome no matter what. But she can't say you didn't let her wear what she wanted. And, bonus, your stepmom got something that she likes and looks great in.

missfrodo · February 2016

I'm glad they both found something that makes them feel beautiful!
Is your aunt's attitude new, or has she always treated you like this? It's true that sometimes weddings can bring out the worst in people, but often we choose friends/relatives as BMs thinking that they will magically change into perfect people for our wedding, and sadly that's never the case. If this is abnormal behavior for your aunt, maybe she has something going on in her life that's causing her to lash out at you? Can you ask her about it in a non-wedding-related discussion?
If she's always been like this, I would just limit contact with her until the day of the wedding. She has the dress now, so all she needs to know is when and where to show up the day of. If she tries calling you and questioning your wedding choices, "bean dip" her (change the subject).

BM irritation!

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