Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding 911
Wedding 911
New Discussion

Help with In-Laws

2»

Re: Help with In-Laws

  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
     
    STARMOON44 said:
    "Your FI has some very serious things to discuss and know where he stands by getting married outside the faith at this point (there's a Synod going on over in Rome right this second on such matters but it's not getting a lot of press at all). " This is partially what I find so offensive. As if her FI couldn't possibly ALREADY have made this decision with the full knowledge of what it means in the last ten years he hasn't participated in church life. As if he needs to have serious discussions with a priest about it. Also nope! He's not religious and isn't concerned about this decision. It's great advice for when a couple isn't on the same page, but these two are. The OP doesn't mention that he isn't completely on board at all. His parents might need religious counseling. He, as a person who has left the faith and is comfortable with that, does not have any serious things to discuss beyond setting boundaries with his parents.

    The OP clearly stated "My fiance had started considering doing the church wedding just for the sake of appeasement, but it is NOT something that I want (or have ever wanted) on my wedding day." 

    In the faith, if the couple cannot answer "yes" to the question "Have you come here today of your own Free Will", which is one of the first questions in the Catholic Wedding service - and as things stand right now if they were to get married there to appease his parents only (i.e. Groom puts his foot down and says "if you want to marry me, it's in a Catholic Church because my parents mean everything to me and I never want to disappoint them" and OP changes course and agrees), that alone is a serious matter as it distinguishes that there was a fatal flaw in the marriage from the start in the eyes of the church and something he may not have completely thought through.  The fact that he's entertaining the idea suggests that a meeting with the priest in the chaplain role is overall a good idea instead of turning this into an "us vs. them" his parents aren't attending which will bring friction and resentment into the marriage, or the couple splitting because they couldn't come to an agreement on the ceremony location. 

    Personally, as things are right now, I don't think they should get married in the church, but I've dealt with counseling people who've had far worse than "I don't want to get married in the church" to deal with and arranging the process for that chaplain type meeting, and this made the solution all the easier in the long term as things like baptizing were "nipped in the bud" and never discussed again.  The parent's didn't like the decision, but they were comfortable with it, and most of all respected it because of having heard it from the priest that "it's not a good idea for (____) to have (sacrament) now in the church".  There are many ways the OP can choose to deal with the situation, bringing a priest/chaplain on-board shouldn't be considered offensive when the groom is actively considering something that goes against the teachings of the faith and something she truly doesn't want. 

    Report Reply
  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MesmrEwe said:
     
    STARMOON44 said:
    "Your FI has some very serious things to discuss and know where he stands by getting married outside the faith at this point (there's a Synod going on over in Rome right this second on such matters but it's not getting a lot of press at all). " This is partially what I find so offensive. As if her FI couldn't possibly ALREADY have made this decision with the full knowledge of what it means in the last ten years he hasn't participated in church life. As if he needs to have serious discussions with a priest about it. Also nope! He's not religious and isn't concerned about this decision. It's great advice for when a couple isn't on the same page, but these two are. The OP doesn't mention that he isn't completely on board at all. His parents might need religious counseling. He, as a person who has left the faith and is comfortable with that, does not have any serious things to discuss beyond setting boundaries with his parents.

    The OP clearly stated "My fiance had started considering doing the church wedding just for the sake of appeasement, but it is NOT something that I want (or have ever wanted) on my wedding day." 

    In the faith, if the couple cannot answer "yes" to the question "Have you come here today of your own Free Will", which is one of the first questions in the Catholic Wedding service - and as things stand right now if they were to get married there to appease his parents only (i.e. Groom puts his foot down and says "if you want to marry me, it's in a Catholic Church because my parents mean everything to me and I never want to disappoint them" and OP changes course and agrees), that alone is a serious matter as it distinguishes that there was a fatal flaw in the marriage from the start in the eyes of the church and something he may not have completely thought through.  The fact that he's entertaining the idea suggests that a meeting with the priest in the chaplain role is overall a good idea instead of turning this into an "us vs. them" his parents aren't attending which will bring friction and resentment into the marriage, or the couple splitting because they couldn't come to an agreement on the ceremony location. 

    Personally, as things are right now, I don't think they should get married in the church, but I've dealt with counseling people who've had far worse than "I don't want to get married in the church" to deal with and arranging the process for that chaplain type meeting, and this made the solution all the easier in the long term as things like baptizing were "nipped in the bud" and never discussed again.  The parent's didn't like the decision, but they were comfortable with it, and most of all respected it because of having heard it from the priest that "it's not a good idea for (____) to have (sacrament) now in the church".  There are many ways the OP can choose to deal with the situation, bringing a priest/chaplain on-board shouldn't be considered offensive when the groom is actively considering something that goes against the teachings of the faith and something she truly doesn't want. 

    She said he HAD started considering, not that he HAS started considering.  Had, as in past tense, as in not considering anymore.



    Report Reply
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    drunkenwitch said:

    The absolute last thing I would want is "marriage counseling " from a religion neck deep in misogyny
    This is going too far, Drunkenwitch.  The Catholic Church is steeped in tradition - over 2000 years of it.  It does change, but slowly and carefully.
    I am not a Catholic, but I have attended many masses with relatives.  I have seen more misogyny in some of the protestant churches than I see in the Catholic faith.
    You are generalizing about a very old and respected faith that is shared by many, many people.  I think you owe the Catholic ladies an apology for your generalizing and prejudice.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Report Reply
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Meh.  As a faithful Catholic, I just rolled my eyes at Drunkenwitch's comment.  I don't let ignorant statements get to me.




    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    It wasn't at a Catholic wedding that I had to hear the officiant say, "In the beginning God created Adam and Eve.....NOT Adam and Steve."   

    Just sayin'. 
    Report Reply
  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    JediElizabeth said:
    CMGragain said:
    drunkenwitch said:

    The absolute last thing I would want is "marriage counseling " from a religion neck deep in misogyny
    This is going too far, Drunkenwitch.  The Catholic Church is steeped in tradition - over 2000 years of it.  It does change, but slowly and carefully.
    I am not a Catholic, but I have attended many masses with relatives.  I have seen more misogyny in some of the protestant churches than I see in the Catholic faith.
    You are generalizing about a very old and respected faith that is shared by many, many people.  I think you owe the Catholic ladies an apology for your generalizing and prejudice.

    I'm going to agree with @CMGragain - as someone who was raised Catholic, and left the faith for a lot of reasons, some of which have to do with me being both queer and feminist, I find it rather ridiculous to lump all Catholic services & service providers together as misogynistic and unhelpful. 

    Professionally, I've worked with several very open-minded, egalitarian priests and nuns (particularly Jesuit, though I'm told they don't have a monopoly on that sort of thing), and many misogynicistic, heterosexist secular therapists and counselors. In these things, it's usually more about the person than the religious dogma.
    I find that distinction makes a difference. My parrish priest growing up was a Jesuit and was amazing and very open minded. The priest who came after him, not so much. 

    Meh, all religions and sects within  them have issues with Misogyny, racism and the like. To single out Catholics is silly, there are other religions whose history is just as bloody and sordid.
    Report Reply
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    drunkenwitch said:

    The absolute last thing I would want is "marriage counseling " from a religion neck deep in misogyny
    This is going too far, Drunkenwitch.  The Catholic Church is steeped in tradition - over 2000 years of it.  It does change, but slowly and carefully.
    I am not a Catholic, but I have attended many masses with relatives.  I have seen more misogyny in some of the protestant churches than I see in the Catholic faith.
    You are generalizing about a very old and respected faith that is shared by many, many people.  I think you owe the Catholic ladies an apology for your generalizing and prejudice.


    Then take it up with the Pope what he says about women, example:

    http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2015/01/20/378559550/pope-francis-says-catholics-dont-need-to-breed-like-rabbits

    Chastising women for "breeding like rabbits" and then saying birth control is a sin.  Really?  Really?

    Also, I was raised Penacostal, and left the church in disgust over their attitudes about women, LGBT and, frankly, everything else under the sun.  So believe me, I know the Catholic church doesn't have a monopoly on sexism.  Doesn't mean I call it as I see it.

    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    drunkenwitch said:


    CMGragain said:


    drunkenwitch said:


    The absolute last thing I would want is "marriage counseling " from a religion neck deep in misogyny

    This is going too far, Drunkenwitch.  The Catholic Church is steeped in tradition - over 2000 years of it.  It does change, but slowly and carefully.
    I am not a Catholic, but I have attended many masses with relatives.  I have seen more misogyny in some of the protestant churches than I see in the Catholic faith.
    You are generalizing about a very old and respected faith that is shared by many, many people.  I think you owe the Catholic ladies an apology for your generalizing and prejudice.




    Then take it up with the Pope what he says about women, example:

    http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2015/01/20/378559550/pope-francis-says-catholics-dont-need-to-breed-like-rabbits

    Chastising women for "breeding like rabbits" and then saying birth control is a sin.  Really?  Really?

    Also, I was raised Penacostal, and left the church in disgust over their attitudes about women, LGBT and, frankly, everything else under the sun.  So believe me, I know the Catholic church doesn't have a monopoly on sexism.  Doesn't mean I call it as I see it.

    Saying that using BC is a sin isn't anti women. That's against both practicing parties. And the Catholic Church believes in discerning and not just reproducing willy nilly. Take some time to understand a bit more before you criticize.
    Report Reply
  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Catholicism, like all sects of Christianity, is based on a book that preaches again and again that women and men are fundamentally different and have fundamentally different roles in the world. You can go to a church, know a priest/pastor or be a Christian person who doesn't abide by that philosophy for whatever reason, but fundamentally as an institution that is Christianity. 

    And I don't think there's anything wrong with believing that men and women are different and have different roles, necessarily. But I sure as heck don't buy it, which is why getting married in a church would be a deal breaker for me. 
    Report Reply
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Just want to throw something in here, though it's going to be fairly unpopular so please don't hate me. 

    I entirely agree that OP and her FI need to get square on what they want and FI needs to communicate that to his parents. 

    That said, if I were a particularly religious parent, I can see where I might be upset that my child were having a secular wedding. While the decision is OP and her FI's, I can sympathize with the parents somewhat. It's not like they're demanding a giant white wedding for their kid and refusing to go if it's not snazzy enough. 

    Perhaps FI and OP should also have a discussion between themselves on what they might be comfortable with for their ceremony. If they are having a totally secular ceremony, would it be against their wishes or beliefs to have some sort of religious blessing or something? Would this be something that the parents might be willing to accept?

    At the end of the day, it is OP and FI's decision on how they want to get married. Sometimes, however, it's good to try and find compromise in difficult situations with family members who may be being what we would consider to be unreasonable. You still have to live with the family at the end of the day. 

    Full disclaimer: Lutheran married to a Jew in a Jewish ceremony so I don't know if a blessing would be acceptable to diehard Catholics. Just trying to throw out suggestions. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    Report Reply
  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    other half is catholic and i am not i am armenian orthodox but we were able to get married in my church and he wouldn't loose any of his rights in his church its because the orthodox is the only one recognized in the catholic church 
    Report Reply
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    hyechica81 said:
    other half is catholic and i am not i am armenian orthodox but we were able to get married in my church and he wouldn't loose any of his rights in his church its because the orthodox is the only one recognized in the catholic church 
    If you're going to bring back threads that haven't been commented on in several months, the least you could do is capitalize a word, or use a comma or a period.  Good job on the apostrophe, but the rest of your post needs some help if you want to be understood.
    Report Reply
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    hyechica81 said:
    other half is catholic and i am not i am armenian orthodox but we were able to get married in my church and he wouldn't loose any of his rights in his church its because the orthodox is the only one recognized in the catholic church 

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards