Maid of Honour Drama

Re: Maid of Honour Drama

• karaveronica member

  

  March 2016

  mollybarker11 said:

  karaveronica said:

  I'll give her space and hope things sort themselves out (fingers crossed)

  This is definitely the right approach. Whether it was wedding-related or not, she is clearly overwhelmed by all the talk in general. I understand you're hurt by her not responding to the multiple ways you're trying to reach her, but as others have mentioned there may be other things going on in her life that are higher priority than your bi-weekly convos.
  
  As your MOH, all she need to do is get a dress and show up. She has the dress, so she has nothing else to do for you until September. If you're insisting on a certain boot, just let her know the model - she can get it herself and invoice you for your share. You may think getting everyone's boots is helpful but it could come across as overbearing or micromanaging.
  
  As her MOH, all you need to do is get a dress and show up. It sucks that you didn't know what dates to book off work for a while there, but she gave you eight months notice which is an appropriate amount of time. Now you know when to show up. It sucks that you didn't know what dress to shop for when you were in the city, but it's not your job to keep reminding her to pick one. If she never picks one, you get to wear whatever you want, woo-hoo!
  
  
  Weddings really are just one day. Your wedding will be a very special very important day for you, but it's still just one day. Your MOH provided you a reality check when she told you this. I think your next contact should be to thank her for it and apologize for coming on too strong.

  I never considered ordering the boots to be seen as micromanaging - thanks! I just offered to order them for everyone to get the better deal and save them some money  
  I'll have to be more aware of this in the future.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2016

  karaveronica said:

  
  

  mollybarker11 said:

  I forgot to mention this last night because I saw that you'd changed your mind about asking her (again) to step down, but I just wanted to add:
  
  It sucks that she lied about why she couldn't come to your shower, lying is wrong and she shouldn't have done it. But that + not "being there" for you every 14 days for regular phone calls + giving you the above-mentioned much-needed does of reality is NOT any reason to ask her to step down.
  
  Eight months out is the time when people should be asking people to be in their bridal party, not demanding to know whether they're stepping down. And you mentioned you wouldn't replace her, but said you'd find someone else to buy her dress. Was that in case she didn't know how to use kijiji..? Sounds to me like a back-up bridesmaid. I don't know what all she responded with that was so shocking and hurtful, but I can understand her being very upset by what you said.
  
  I hope you realize you've gotten carried away with the stress of planning and I wish you luck mending this relationship.

  Thanks! I really appreciate it. 
  
  The reason I had contemplated allowing her to step down was her original request as she 'didn't think she could do everything' and a subsequent conversation where she again said "maybe she wasn't right and if I didn't want her, the next girl could buy the dress from her" where I told her I wouldn't be replacing her so I wouldn't have anyone to buy said dress from her. I did say it would be her decision, but the language she used seemed to me, to be her asking me to 'fire' her because she doesn't just want to step down on her own.

  If you want to fire her, you better have some paperwork for HR listing her faults.  Then you might need to go through some mediation courses with your other co-workers so you can both work together better.  And you're probably going to have to put together some kind of severance package for her, you better decide if one month or 3 months pay is more fair.  Are you going to offer her the option of COBRA for insurance?  If you think she might be hurt to be fired, you may need to get HR as well as Building Security involved so she doesn't cause a scene.  Make sure you take her keycard and deactivate her computer logon and email address.

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  March 2016

  karaveronica said:

  
  

  mollybarker11 said:

  I forgot to mention this last night because I saw that you'd changed your mind about asking her (again) to step down, but I just wanted to add:
  
  It sucks that she lied about why she couldn't come to your shower, lying is wrong and she shouldn't have done it. But that + not "being there" for you every 14 days for regular phone calls + giving you the above-mentioned much-needed does of reality is NOT any reason to ask her to step down.
  
  Eight months out is the time when people should be asking people to be in their bridal party, not demanding to know whether they're stepping down. And you mentioned you wouldn't replace her, but said you'd find someone else to buy her dress. Was that in case she didn't know how to use kijiji..? Sounds to me like a back-up bridesmaid. I don't know what all she responded with that was so shocking and hurtful, but I can understand her being very upset by what you said.
  
  I hope you realize you've gotten carried away with the stress of planning and I wish you luck mending this relationship.

  Thanks! I really appreciate it. 
  
  The reason I had contemplated allowing her to step down was her original request as she 'didn't think she could do everything' and a subsequent conversation where she again said "maybe she wasn't right and if I didn't want her, the next girl could buy the dress from her" where I told her I wouldn't be replacing her so I wouldn't have anyone to buy said dress from her. I did say it would be her decision, but the language she used seemed to me, to be her asking me to 'fire' her because she doesn't just want to step down on her own.

  Sorry I misunderstood who said what in that exchange. It does sound like she wanted to give you an out, probably because she was feeling overwhelmed, but you are right to leave it up to her. Continue to give her room to breathe and if she mentions it again explain that there are no expectations and you'd just be happy to have her there.

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• SP29 member

  

  March 2016

  Agree that you do not ask her to step down or tell her she can step down.
  
  She has a the dress, so she will either show up the day of to walk down the aisle or she won't.
  
  Give her some time and then try to re-connect, no wedding talk, not even her wedding.
  

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• karaveronica member

  

  March 2016 edited March 2016

  adk19 said:

  karaveronica said:

  
  

  mollybarker11 said:

  I forgot to mention this last night because I saw that you'd changed your mind about asking her (again) to step down, but I just wanted to add:
  
  It sucks that she lied about why she couldn't come to your shower, lying is wrong and she shouldn't have done it. But that + not "being there" for you every 14 days for regular phone calls + giving you the above-mentioned much-needed does of reality is NOT any reason to ask her to step down.
  
  Eight months out is the time when people should be asking people to be in their bridal party, not demanding to know whether they're stepping down. And you mentioned you wouldn't replace her, but said you'd find someone else to buy her dress. Was that in case she didn't know how to use kijiji..? Sounds to me like a back-up bridesmaid. I don't know what all she responded with that was so shocking and hurtful, but I can understand her being very upset by what you said.
  
  I hope you realize you've gotten carried away with the stress of planning and I wish you luck mending this relationship.

  Thanks! I really appreciate it. 
  
  The reason I had contemplated allowing her to step down was her original request as she 'didn't think she could do everything' and a subsequent conversation where she again said "maybe she wasn't right and if I didn't want her, the next girl could buy the dress from her" where I told her I wouldn't be replacing her so I wouldn't have anyone to buy said dress from her. I did say it would be her decision, but the language she used seemed to me, to be her asking me to 'fire' her because she doesn't just want to step down on her own.

  If you want to fire her, you better have some paperwork for HR listing her faults.  Then you might need to go through some mediation courses with your other co-workers so you can both work together better.  And you're probably going to have to put together some kind of severance package for her, you better decide if one month or 3 months pay is more fair.  Are you going to offer her the option of COBRA for insurance?  If you think she might be hurt to be fired, you may need to get HR as well as Building Security involved so she doesn't cause a scene.  Make sure you take her keycard and deactivate her computer logon and email address.

  Again, thank you for your input, however I do not feel the snarky remark was warranted. I was simply attempting to explain the situation and the reasoning for my initial inquiry. 
  
  I have taken everyone's advice and decided NOT to pursue asking her to step down, so no further response is required. I never wanted to 'fire' her (completely remove her from the party) as the coloquial term seems to be, but I have been enlightened to the short sightedness of my assumption. 

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