Official Wedding Might Not Happen Day of Ceremony

Re: Official Wedding Might Not Happen Day of Ceremony

• justsie member

  

  March 2016

  Knottie1441987060 said:

  I have a bit of an odd situation and I am looking for your advice.
  
  My wedding is July 1st. We've put down a deposit on a venue, sent out STDs, hired photographer, DJ, and officiant. Everything.
  
  Recently, my husband-to-be spoke with his lawyer (he is a refugee seeking asylum) who had given full approval for the wedding before, but now she thinks that if he is not successful at the court date in June that he should not get legally married, but rather just have the ceremony without the legality. Basically up until this point she said that his green card status was a done deal, but now she is back tracking. We will not know the status until the middle of June, way too late to do anything.
  
  I don't know what to do. I don't want to mislead people or have a pretty prince day, but I also know that we are getting married no matter what when this is resolved and we can't afford to lose all the money we have put down. Would love to hear advice.
  

  I think you have a few options:
  Postpone the wedding now with the plan that you will have it when you know for sure that it is a "done deal". Call everyone that has gotten a STD and inform them of the change.
  Keep the date and keep planning with the hopes that something will come through, if it doesn't let everyone know you are postponing and throw a kick ass party for everyone that still wants to come. Get married later when you know it is possible.
  
  You situation really isn't that different from couples who are getting married prior to one member finalizing a divorce. Maybe look at old threads regarding that here for some ideas.

  

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• madamerwin member

  

  March 2016

  I agree with @justsie - either postpone now and contact everyone who received STDs, or keep the date and if his court date does not go as planned, throw a party without a fake wedding ceremony.
  
  RE: Postponing - I would contact your vendors ASAP and see what their policies are... I know a number of our vendors had a cancellation policy where we would get a full refund minus a small deposit if we canceled more than 90 days out. Our venue would give us a full refund if they were able to re-book another event for the same date less than 90 days out, or a full credit if we chose to use the venue at a later date. So, just because you already booked vendors does not necessarily mean you are stuck with your date.

  

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• Hny65 member

  

  March 2016 edited March 2016

  Another option In My expect-to-be-unpopular-in-these-forums-Opinion:
  Your guests care about you and your fiance and know your fiance is a refugee seeking asylum - just knowing that already implies complications with legality. Immigration is very complicated and there's tons of people dealing with these issues.
  If the court date doesn't go well, emphatic people will understand your extenuating circumstances (spread the word around about it) and be glad to celebrate this new stage in your lives together the way you have planned (socially, emotionally, religiously).  I think a lot of people would say "Oh that's too bad! I hope it gets worked out soon" and move on, show up, and eat cake.
  If someone judges you unfairly and does care about the legal (government part) being done as soon as it can be, then well, that's just uncaring.
  
  If you're worried about it, start talking to close head-of-family type family members (your parents? grandparents? aunt? uncle?), close friends, and express your concerns about this possibility and see what they say.

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• justsie member

  

  March 2016

  Hny65 said:

  Another option In My expect-to-be-unpopular-in-these-forums-Opinion:
  Your guests care about you and your fiance and know your fiance is a refugee seeking asylum - just knowing that already implies complications with legality. Immigration is very complicated and there's tons of people dealing with these issues.
  If the court date doesn't go well, emphatic people will understand your extenuating circumstances (spread the word around about it) and be glad to celebrate this new stage in your lives together the way you have planned (socially, emotionally, religiously).  I think a lot of people would say "Oh that's too bad! I hope it gets worked out soon" and move on, show up, and eat cake.
  If someone judges you unfairly and does care about the legal (government part) being done as soon as it can be, then well, that's just uncaring.
  
  If you're worried about it, start talking to close head-of-family type family members (your parents? grandparents? aunt? uncle?), close friends, and express your concerns about this possibility and see what they say.

  There are people in this country that just began having the right to access the "legal part". I think taking that part seriously, as it is marking your marriage, is respectful of those that have not always had that right. I would side eye anyone that took that part lightly or with less respect than it deserves. The party is optional, the "legal part" is not if you want to be considered married. 

  

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  March 2016

  I have to say I'm with @Hny65. You're faced with a situation where you might not be able to get legally married as planned. If you can't move your date back, as a guest, I would be understanding of the situation if you were upfront about it in advance. I would expect to see the symbolic ceremony where you declare your intentions to be together through good times and bad, and hopefully hear within a few months that you did get to legally tie the knot at the courthouse.
  
  I actually don't compare this to couples getting divorced. In immigration cases it's you against the government. In divorce, it's you against another human being. I would absolutely cancel and reschedule a wedding when one person didn't get divorced on the original timeline expected. 

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• CMGragain member

  

  March 2016 edited March 2016

  thisismynickname said:

  I have to say I'm with @Hny65. You're faced with a situation where you might not be able to get legally married as planned. If you can't move your date back, as a guest, I would be understanding of the situation if you were upfront about it in advance. I would expect to see the symbolic ceremony where you declare your intentions to be together through good times and bad, and hopefully hear within a few months that you did get to legally tie the knot at the courthouse.
  
  I actually don't compare this to couples getting divorced. In immigration cases it's you against the government. In divorce, it's you against another human being. I would absolutely cancel and reschedule a wedding when one person didn't get divorced on the original timeline expected. 

  Nope.  In both cases, it is the government that determines when and if you are eligible to be married.  Every state has its own laws and regulations.
  
  OP, I am curious.  WHY does your lawyer urge you to postpone your legal ceremony?  There is nothing that would prevent you from going through with it as scheduled.  What are his reasons?
  I ask this because my SIL married a man without a country - a former Ugandan citizen who was evicted from his country during a racial purge back in the 1970s.  My late FIL was a lawyer, and he helped to get citizenship for her FI, who had lived in the USA on a student visa for the previous four years. They have been married 41 year now.
  

  

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• madamerwin member

  

  March 2016

  Just curious, OP: What would happen if your FI's court date did not go as planned (what does that mean)? What would happen if you got legally married anyway, against the advice of his lawyer?

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2016

  The "ceremony" IS your "official wedding."
  
  This is not to say that you can't celebrate your marriage when the time is right, but your situation isn't "unique" and a non-legal ceremony doesn't constitute your "wedding."

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  March 2016

  CMGragain said:

  thisismynickname said:

  I have to say I'm with @Hny65. You're faced with a situation where you might not be able to get legally married as planned. If you can't move your date back, as a guest, I would be understanding of the situation if you were upfront about it in advance. I would expect to see the symbolic ceremony where you declare your intentions to be together through good times and bad, and hopefully hear within a few months that you did get to legally tie the knot at the courthouse.
  
  I actually don't compare this to couples getting divorced. In immigration cases it's you against the government. In divorce, it's you against another human being. I would absolutely cancel and reschedule a wedding when one person didn't get divorced on the original timeline expected. 

  Nope.  In both cases, it is the government that determines when and if you are eligible to be married.  Every state has its own laws and regulations.
  
  OP, I am curious.  WHY does your lawyer urge you to postpone your legal ceremony?  There is nothing that would prevent you from going through with it as scheduled.  What are his reasons?
  I ask this because my SIL married a man without a country - a former Ugandan citizen who was evicted from his country during a racial purge back in the 1970s.  My late FIL was a lawyer, and he helped to get citizenship for her FI, who had lived in the USA on a student visa for the previous four years. They have been married 41 year now.
  

  Mm, the reason I disagree with this is that divorce varies by couple. My husband was married from age 22 to 26, no kids. Divorce was mutual and went through about as quickly as you can get. Other people, you hear about divorce dragging out years. In the cases I've heard of, that's because one person is contesting something, custody issues, whatever. It's the people dragging it out, not the government. 
  Divorce can take a few months if everyone plays ball. Immigration can take years. 

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• justsie member

  

  March 2016

  thisismynickname said:

  CMGragain said:

  thisismynickname said:

  I have to say I'm with @Hny65. You're faced with a situation where you might not be able to get legally married as planned. If you can't move your date back, as a guest, I would be understanding of the situation if you were upfront about it in advance. I would expect to see the symbolic ceremony where you declare your intentions to be together through good times and bad, and hopefully hear within a few months that you did get to legally tie the knot at the courthouse.
  
  I actually don't compare this to couples getting divorced. In immigration cases it's you against the government. In divorce, it's you against another human being. I would absolutely cancel and reschedule a wedding when one person didn't get divorced on the original timeline expected. 

  Nope.  In both cases, it is the government that determines when and if you are eligible to be married.  Every state has its own laws and regulations.
  
  OP, I am curious.  WHY does your lawyer urge you to postpone your legal ceremony?  There is nothing that would prevent you from going through with it as scheduled.  What are his reasons?
  I ask this because my SIL married a man without a country - a former Ugandan citizen who was evicted from his country during a racial purge back in the 1970s.  My late FIL was a lawyer, and he helped to get citizenship for her FI, who had lived in the USA on a student visa for the previous four years. They have been married 41 year now.
  

  Mm, the reason I disagree with this is that divorce varies by couple. My husband was married from age 22 to 26, no kids. Divorce was mutual and went through about as quickly as you can get. Other people, you hear about divorce dragging out years. In the cases I've heard of, that's because one person is contesting something, custody issues, whatever. It's the people dragging it out, not the government. 
  Divorce can take a few months if everyone plays ball. Immigration can take years. 

  It can take years but it can also take a shorter amount of time. The reason I compared the two is that in both you are waiting on the government to give someone the clearance to be able to get legally married (as I understand it). Expecting that clearance to be given and planning a wedding without knowing if it will go through or not is just poor planning. Don't count your chickens before they hatch. 

  

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• Hny65 member

  

  March 2016

  @justie of course the legal part is important, which is why if need be (the OP won't know until two weeks before) would have it as soon as they can.
  I can't see why, with the guests knowing, and these extenuating circumstances just thrown on the OP that might come to naught anyway, that having the symbolic part first would be so bad.  Of course it's not ideal, but when is life ideal?
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  March 2016

  I would still like legal details.  I do not understand the problem.
  

  

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• Knottie1450651724 member

  

  March 2016

  CMGragain said:

  I would still like legal details.  I do not understand the problem.
  

  Agreed.  It doesn't make sense why 1. A refugee is apply for asylum and 2. why this would mean marriage needs to be postponed.  Need some clarification here.
  

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• SP29 member

  

  March 2016

  I will agree that I don't think it the worst thing if, as long as you are very open with your guests prior to sending out invitations, to have a kick ass celebration party and your wedding (a private ceremony) at a later date. I would though, expect to not see all the usual trappings of a wedding- commitment ceremony with kick ass party, go for it- even wear your dress if you want (I think it's just a dress), but beyond that, remove anything that has the word "wedding", "bride/bridal" or "groom".
  
  I will also agree though, that I am confused as to why you can't get married on your originally planned wedding date, even if the citizenship stuff doesn't go through. I know of several people who have gotten married where one party is still working on obtaining citizenship. Is it the smartest move? I don't know, but being legally married does not negatively affect the application process. 
  

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  March 2016

  I don't know about applying for asylum, but when the then fiance of a friend was trying to get a visa to live in the US, there is a difference in paperwork for a fiance visa and a spousal visa. Maybe that is what is causing the possible delay - that there would be different paperwork  (i.e. start all over with process, which is very expensive) to go through if they got married before everything was approved. Just my thought.

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• Knottie1453222636 member

  

  March 2016

  Here are my 2 cents that I'm sure many won't approve of but they are for you.
  Everyone invited is your friends and family, people who love and care for the both of you and want to see you happy, like @Hny65 said, most are probably aware of his legal issues... So be HAPPY! Let them know about it and continue with your life as the two of you see fit. Will you be happy if you can't sign papers the day you walk down the isle? or will you remember that day as the day you and your fiance joined their lives? At the end of the day your happiness is what matters the most. Nobody in this website can can change that.

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• lembaslover member

  

  March 2016

  Honestly there are VERY FEW unique situations and this is not one of them. Sure it might be a bit different from a divorce but in the end this issue arose because you picked a date before the legal status was a sure thing. I know you said the lawyer had indicated that it was  sure thing but until you have the piece of paper or whatever proof they give you that your FI has asylum then it isn't a sure thing. Anyone with common sense should know this so yea as a family member or friend I'd think it was rather stupid of you to pick a date before you had that paper. If you want to keep the date and just throw a party if the court issue goes bad then I'd be cool with that but I'd side eye a fake ceremony.
  
  I also am curious as to why the lawyer recommends not making it legal. Is there a chance you wouldn't marry this person should they not get asylum?

  

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• MobKaz member

  

  March 2016

  Knottie1453222636 said:

  Here are my 2 cents that I'm sure many won't approve of but they are for you.
  Everyone invited is your friends and family, people who love and care for the both of you and want to see you happy, like @Hny65 said, most are probably aware of his legal issues... So be HAPPY! Let them know about it and continue with your life as the two of you see fit. Will you be happy if you can't sign papers the day you walk down the isle? or will you remember that day as the day you and your fiance joined their lives? At the end of the day your happiness is what matters the most. Nobody in this website can can change that.

  ......says the poster who is "signing papers" but not getting married......
  
  

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 2016

  I'm not as anti-PPD as some others (not saying that in a negative way), as long as guests are informed of what is going on.

  In your case, I'd fall on the side of planning the day you already have set.  Best case scenario, keep it a wedding ceremony and you all legally get married that day.  Worst case scenario, have a commitment ceremony with your legal vows done in a private ceremony at a later date.  Just be honest with all your guests about what is going on.  It sounds like you may not know which it will be before invites go out.  If that is what happens, I'd send invites for a commitment ceremony and then spread word of mouth if it changes and will be the wedding ceremony.

  Or, like @madamerwin suggested, contact all your vendors and see what the financial ramifications would be to just cancel all the contracts with plans to use them at a TBD later date.  If it wouldn't be too much of a financial hit, and it very well might not be, it might be in your best interest to just postpone.  Of course, then you will need to send a postcard to anyone who got an STD informing them of the postponement.

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  March 2016

  Knottie1450651724 said:

  CMGragain said:

  I would still like legal details.  I do not understand the problem.
  

  Agreed.  It doesn't make sense why 1. A refugee is apply for asylum and 2. why this would mean marriage needs to be postponed.  Need some clarification here.
  

  You have to apply for asylum because it allows a person legal entry into our country and a path to citizenship that can be easier than the process everyone else has to go through, and asylum is  only granted in very specific circumstances.  The Feds (I assume state department and homeland security) have to verify that the person is actually eligible for asylum and that their background is clean.
  
  I could see how getting married to a US citizen prior to being granted asylum could pose a risk to being granted asylum- it could be viewed as the person trying to "scam" the immigration and asylum process and get into the country as quickly as possible.  But only his lawyer knows exactly why he's counseling him to postpone marriage until asylum is actually granted.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• NavyBlue143 member

  

  March 2016

  Honestly, I might side eye slightly at planning a wedding before asylum was officially granted, but if you were honest about the ceremony not being legal because of pending immigration issues,  it wouldn't bother me all that much. It's dishonesty about these things that upsets me most. 

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• Knottie1453222636 member

  

  March 2016

  MobKaz said:

  Knottie1453222636 said:

  Here are my 2 cents that I'm sure many won't approve of but they are for you.
  Everyone invited is your friends and family, people who love and care for the both of you and want to see you happy, like @Hny65 said, most are probably aware of his legal issues... So be HAPPY! Let them know about it and continue with your life as the two of you see fit. Will you be happy if you can't sign papers the day you walk down the isle? or will you remember that day as the day you and your fiance joined their lives? At the end of the day your happiness is what matters the most. Nobody in this website can can change that.

  ......says the poster who is "signing papers" but not getting married......
  
  

  Oh riiiiiiiight.....because asking a question = doing it. Forgot this was about absolutes and not a community to ask questions or seek advise...

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• Knottie1450651724 member

  

  March 2016

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  Knottie1450651724 said:

  CMGragain said:

  I would still like legal details.  I do not understand the problem.
  

  Agreed.  It doesn't make sense why 1. A refugee is apply for asylum and 2. why this would mean marriage needs to be postponed.  Need some clarification here.
  

  You have to apply for asylum because it allows a person legal entry into our country and a path to citizenship that can be easier than the process everyone else has to go through, and asylum is  only granted in very specific circumstances.  The Feds (I assume state department and homeland security) have to verify that the person is actually eligible for asylum and that their background is clean.
  
  I could see how getting married to a US citizen prior to being granted asylum could pose a risk to being granted asylum- it could be viewed as the person trying to "scam" the immigration and asylum process and get into the country as quickly as possible.  But only his lawyer knows exactly why he's counseling him to postpone marriage until asylum is actually granted.
  

  
  Actually, if someone is a refugee that means they were legally admitted to the U.S. with refugee status.  Refugee status and asylum status are basically the same thing, except refugee status is obtained before you enter the U.S. and asylum status is applied for after entering.  If he was admitted as a refugee, there would be no need for him to apply for asylum because one year after admittance as a refugee, you are eligible to apply for a Green Card.  If he was a refugee, he would have already gone through all necessary background checks, and would not be in court proceedings applying for asylum.  Also, he must already be in the country, because I don't think you can have a court date if you're not.  This is not legal advice, but just an explanation of why more details are needed.

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