I want to punch her husband

mrsconn23 · March 2016

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are in our mid-40s and have a 6-year-old child. He really wants a second child. I am open to the idea but not desperate for another baby. I am happy with and grateful for our family as it is. Because he so wants another child, we have tried for years, with assistance from fertility doctors. That’s not a particularly pleasant process. I’ve been pregnant many times and have lost every pregnancy. It’s all been grueling and painful, physically and emotionally. Now my husband wants to try using donor eggs, but I really do not want to. I just can’t get over the idea that I’d be having someone else’s baby, and I’m not interested. I’ve done everything I can, and nothing has worked. I can’t face any more miscarriages. I want to embrace our family of three and move on, but he can’t seem to let it go. Any suggestions? Am I being unreasonable?

—Through the Mill

VarunaTT · March 2016

Can they not adopt?

This makes me angry. How much does a woman have to go through for infertility and then multiple miscarriages? He needs a Ho Sit Down card.

mrsconn23 · March 2016

I have a chick on my mom board who's been through the wringer with infertility stuff and her husband is a dick about not wanting to use donor sperm (much easier to procure than donor eggs), adoption, or anything that basically means the baby is not biologically 'theirs'. They've done IVF 7-9 times and they did lose twins. He wants to keep going, she's more on the fence.

I also know that BIL is struggling with his and my sister's infertility issues. He also has opinions, but he's not a dick or anything. They're still working out their issues regarding what they want to do and if they are really OK with being child-free.

Men have weird ways of dealing with infertility sometimes and I understand it, but they have to realize how much women go through during infertility treatments and if your wife says she's done, let her be fucking done.

levioosa · March 2016

This post makes me sad and angry. Husband is also coming off as a dick. I can't imagine what this woman must be feeling. If she says they're done, then they're done. I'd really question a partner who forced me through something like this.

VarunaTT · March 2016

I think my issue is that I can really empathize with men wanting children. I have a handful of male friends that I realized had a biological clock ticking, sometime in my late 20s. That was a learning moment I still appreciate because so often we don't talk about male desires for a family.

But what those infertility treatments can do to a woman's physical and mental well being is harsh. And while I'm sure he's struggling emotionally, his body isn't being subjected to medical treatments (at least not from the OP). How much is enough for his partner to have to undergo before he's assuaged? It really bothers me that a partner would have no little regard for the other partner's health and well being for what is ultimately, a very selfish reason.

ShesSoCold · March 2016

I wonder how much of these feelings LW has told her H. All she said was that he "really wants another". We don't know if he's being pushy or shitty. Maybe LW feels bad that she can't give him another child and feels guilty about not wanting to try for fear of more huge heartbreak. These are all BIG maybes but I feel bad for both of them.

My brother and SIL are trying for their second and having a really hard time. My brother says it's really hard on her and she feels like she's failing as a woman and failing her husband. It's gotta be a terrible feeling.

AddieCake · March 2016

Fortunately my husband has not been a dick about our fertility stuff. When our IVF failed, he waited for me to be ready to take next steps. I can't imagine my husband acting like this guy.

artbyallie · April 2016

VarunaTT said:

Can they not adopt?

This makes me angry. How much does a woman have to go through for infertility and then multiple miscarriages? He needs a Ho Sit Down card.

Eh, that suggestion could be as loaded as donor eggs, fertility drugs, etc. I have massive respect for anyone who goes through the adoption process, but it is not for everyone. Babies are always in high demand, so there's a waiting list and if you pick certain countries to avoid that list there are sketchy practices. Older kids are the ones who really need adoption the most, but there are behavioral and emotional problems there.

My parents fostered a little girl when I was younger with the intent of adoption. Ultimately we all got therapy after she was sent to a different foster family because we were not equipped to handle the Reactive Attachment Disorder she had. This six-year-old little girl screamed at my mom, dropped f-bombs, and basically abused her every way she could because of her own issues with her birth mom. And she didn't, or couldn't, give a damn about any of us. The three of us sobbed the night we told her she would be leaving. When the social worker came to pick her up, she hopped in the car dry-eyed, saying "Guess I'll never see you again."

So, yeah... adoption is not something I will ever pursue. H and I are rethinking wanting kids anyway, but we already discussed that if we were unable to have them biologically, we would just not have them at all rather than adopt because of my experiences.

Ugh, sorry for my emotion dump there. LW's husband is a tool. He wants one so bad, he can get pregnant next time.

VarunaTT · April 2016

Adoption is definitely a rough road. I have a set of very good friends that have done 1 successful foster to adopt and an international adoption. I say 1 "successful" b/c they went through a one situation like the one you listed above, and 2 others that the kids were problematic, just different ways. The little boy with the reactive attachment disorder especially disturbed me b/c it was the first time I ever looked at a child (5 years old) and thought, "You're already ruined for society and there's no hope." After that, I told my friends that I needed them to be farther along in the process before we met the potentials. I got pretty attached to this particular sibling set and cried when they had to be given up.

monkeysip · April 2016

I understand he wants another child, and that's a completely legitimate desire of his, but going through both fertility treatments and miscarriages is a rough process both emotionally and physically. No one should ever be pressured into any fertility treatment (man or woman). Just like no one should be pressured into sterilization either. Spouses should discuss their desires honestly, but also respect that it's the other person's body.

I feel terrible for this woman.

drunkenwitch · April 2016

She doesn't specify the gender of their child. My guess, they have a girl and he is obsessed with having the almighty golden son.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

I know people who adopted older kids domestically - the line one of them had was fantastic - "With babies you never know what issues or problems they'll have - with older kids, you avoid the diaper phase and you know exactly the issues the child has for what you're getting into so there's no guesswork!" LOL

For some, adoption just isn't an option. I have a friend who the mere watching of the video of the IVF process he nearly passed out at the fertilization portion, so "I get it" when it coms to some guys... But, I suspect this gal is expecting him to be a mind reader and never actually told him...

MissKittyDanger · April 2016

Tbh I feel for both people.
I'm an only child - not by choice, but by health issues. My mum was suggested not to have another child, but then never got pregnant again. When I was approx 3yrs old, they looked into adoption and were unable to for a few reasons. I know things have probably changed but not everything is easy.

As a few PP's have mentioned, we don't know how he's acting about having another kid but maybe she needs to sit down and figure out when "enough is enough" when it comes to trying.

*Barbie* · April 2016

I don't think she's being unreasonable, especially if she gives him a "ho sit down" card - enough is enough. This woman is a person, not his baby factory. She is not a uterus with legs. I'm fortunate to not have dealt with IF, but I know how much of a strain it is on people who do. Yes, he's allowed to feel how he feels, but when it comes down to it, it's her body that is going through all of this, (not to mention the emotional strain on her of multiple losses and all of the treatments) and he's coming across as a bully.

As PP have pointed out, adoption/fostering is an option if that's something they both want, but it doesn't sound like it is.

Maybe I'm odd in this, but before DK and I got married, we talked about kids/family size and our boundaries. (e.g. I was unwilling to go through IF treatments, and wasn't interested in adopting. He was in agreement with no adoption, and respected my opinion on IF treatments. If this was going to be a deal breaker for the other person, we wanted to know in advance.)

I want to punch her husband

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