FMIL wants a JP officiant for us

Cheermom84 · April 2016

So a little background, FI and his family are Catholic and my family and myself are Mormon. FI said his priest wouldn't marry us because I'm not Catholic but my Bishop said he would do what my church calls a civil marriage (one done outside the temple) and that he would do it for free. Since neither one of us cares who performs the ceremony, we decided that free was the best option and were planning on having my Bishop perform the wedding.

Last night FMIL asked if we could get a JP to perform the ceremony, to keep it neutral for religion since we are different religions. I don't have a problem with a JP performing the ceremony, I have a problem with the cost. We have a budget but are trying to stay under it. I just don't like that she wants us to pay for a JP when we had someone lined up that was free so we didn't put that in the budget, we were planning on getting my Bishop and his wife a gift certificate to a restaurant for a night out but a JP will be a lot more then the thank you gift we were planning.

Should I fight FMIL on this since we are paying for our wedding, or should I just suck it up and cut from someplace else to pay for a JP? I like FMIL and we get along well but this irks me. We have a small budget to begin with and I've already moved the ceremony to during the day followed by a brunch reception with no dj/dancing and limited decorations and flowers to cut the budget that I don't really want to cut it more to pay for a JP.

I want to stress that I'm only oppose to a JP because of cost, if FMIL paid for it I would be fine with a JP instead of my Bishop because then it would be free again.

(edited for typos from doing this on tablet)

ShesSoCold · April 2016

This isn't up to FMIL. It's up to you and your FI. Just tell her no.

floridabride44 · April 2016

Tell her no.

Actually, have your FI tell her no. It's his mother, it's his job to deal with her.

flantastic · April 2016

By the way, your FI is wrong. There is one extra step for the priest, but no reason why they can't marry a Catholic to a Mormon. You obviously have other plans already (which are not your FMIL's business), but I thought I'd mention that.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

Cheermom84 said:

So a little background, FI and his family are Catholic and my family and myself are Mormon. FI said his priest wouldn't marry us because I'm not Catholic but my Bishop said he would do what my church calls a civil marriage (one done outside the temple) and that he would do it for free. Since neither one of us cares who performs the ceremony, we decided that free was the best option and were planning on having my Bishop perform the wedding.

Last night FMIL asked if we could get a JP to perform the ceremony, to keep it neutral for religion since we are different religions. I don't have a problem with a JP performing the ceremony, I have a problem with the cost. We have a budget but are trying to stay under it. I just don't like that she wants us to pay for a JP when we had someone lined up that was free so we didn't put that in the budget, we were planning on getting my Bishop and his wife a gift certificate to a restaurant for a night out but a JP will be a lot more then the thank you gift we were planning.

Should I fight FMIL on this since we are paying for our wedding, or should I just suck it up and cut from someplace else to pay for a JP? I like FMIL and we get along well but this irks me. We have a small budget to begin with and I've already moved the ceremony to during the day followed by a brunch reception with no dj/dancing and limited decorations and flowers to cut the budget that I don't really want to cut it more to pay for a JP.

I want to stress that I'm only oppose to a JP because of cost, if FMIL paid for it I would be fine with a JP instead of my Bishop because then it would be free again.

(edited for typos from doing this on tablet)

Have FI tell FMIL that you have an officiant. If she would like to schedule and pay for a different officiant, you would be happy to speak with them to be sure they will do what you'd like. If you don't care, let her run with it. "Mom, this is literally the most important person at the wedding besides me and cheermom. If this person doesn't show up, we don't have a wedding. We already have this spot filled, but if you want to go a different direction, as long as we like the person, we'd be fine with you paying for a JP to marry us. If you don't want to deal with this responsibility, we're going to stick to the current plan."

Jen4948 · April 2016

I would have your FI say to FMIL, "Thanks, Mom, but we've already got someone who will perform a religious-neutral ceremony for free. If you want us to have a JP, then we will need you to cover the costs involved."

princessleia22 · April 2016

What does your FI think? It's his decision, too. It is not FMIL's decision, though. If you want to tell her no, then tell her no.

I'd also question whether FMIL has deeper issues with your difference in religions? Still, that's up to you and FI.

Another thought, do you personally know your bishop? If so, I would rather go with someone that actually knows you, instead of a stranger, if that's an option. That may be more reason to stick with your bishop. Not that there is anything wrong with a stranger officiating your wedding, either... I met my officiant 1 hour before my ceremony and thought he did great. My sister's officiant was someone that she had known for several years and it added a nice personal touch to the ceremony.

MobKaz · April 2016

flantastic said:

By the way, your FI is wrong. There is one extra step for the priest, but no reason why they can't marry a Catholic to a Mormon. You obviously have other plans already (which are not your FMIL's business), but I thought I'd mention that.

Agreed. Is your FI a practicing Catholic? If he wants to stay in grace with the church, then your FI will need to marry in a Catholic ceremony. If he no longer feels an attachment with the church, then the wedding is a non issue.

I also agree that your FMIL should have ZERO involvement with your ceremony plans.

CMGragain · April 2016

PP's are correct. Yout Fi will not be able to take communion in the mass if he married outside of the Catholic church. Is he OK with that? Have you discussed how you are planning to raise your children? Catholic or Mormon?
There is nothing that prevents you from being married in the Catholic church if that is all right with you.
This decision is between the two of you. Your FMIL has no say in this.

Cheermom84 · April 2016

Thanks everyone, I did not know that about the Catholic church and FI didn't either. He is ok with it, he is not a practicing Catholic we already talked about that. As for kids I already have 2 kids and I can't have more. FI is ok with them being raised Mormon because that's what they have been raised as and he doesn't go to church except maybe once a year and I try to take them semi regularly. I'm open though and I also let my kids explore other religions and will sign them up for things at other churches because I believe you can't have tolerance unless you gain knowledge.

I found out more about FMIL, it's not that she opposes my religion its that FI brother's wife is Jewish and they had a Jewish ceremony. FI said his brother has never said but he thinks his brother converted to Judaism. FMIL was upset their ceremony had no nods to Catholics and is afraid our ceremony will be purely the Mormon religion. My Bishop is our neighbor and has known FI for years and has said he will keep it neutral and any scriptures he will keep them From the Bible since that's a common thing in the two religions.

I think I will talk to FI some more and have him tell FMIL if she pays for the JP we will use it. Otherwise invite her to go with us to talk about the ceremony with my bishop.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

Jen4948 · April 2016

Cheermom84 said:

Thanks everyone, I did not know that about the Catholic church and FI didn't either. He is ok with it, he is not a practicing Catholic we already talked about that. As for kids I already have 2 kids and I can't have more. FI is ok with them being raised Mormon because that's what they have been raised as and he doesn't go to church except maybe once a year and I try to take them semi regularly. I'm open though and I also let my kids explore other religions and will sign them up for things at other churches because I believe you can't have tolerance unless you gain knowledge.

I found out more about FMIL, it's not that she opposes my religion its that FI brother's wife is Jewish and they had a Jewish ceremony. FI said his brother has never said but he thinks his brother converted to Judaism. FMIL was upset their ceremony had no nods to Catholics and is afraid our ceremony will be purely the Mormon religion. My Bishop is our neighbor and has known FI for years and has said he will keep it neutral and any scriptures he will keep them From the Bible since that's a common thing in the two religions.

I think I will talk to FI some more and have him tell FMIL if she pays for the JP we will use it. Otherwise invite her to go with us to talk about the ceremony with my bishop.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I don't know what kind of "nods to Catholics" are possible in a Jewish wedding. What exactly was she expecting, the absence of which made her feel hurt? There wasn't going to be any mention of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, or saints; not would there have been a mass.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

Cheermom84 said:

Thanks everyone, I did not know that about the Catholic church and FI didn't either. He is ok with it, he is not a practicing Catholic we already talked about that. As for kids I already have 2 kids and I can't have more. FI is ok with them being raised Mormon because that's what they have been raised as and he doesn't go to church except maybe once a year and I try to take them semi regularly. I'm open though and I also let my kids explore other religions and will sign them up for things at other churches because I believe you can't have tolerance unless you gain knowledge.

I found out more about FMIL, it's not that she opposes my religion its that FI brother's wife is Jewish and they had a Jewish ceremony. FI said his brother has never said but he thinks his brother converted to Judaism. FMIL was upset their ceremony had no nods to Catholics and is afraid our ceremony will be purely the Mormon religion. My Bishop is our neighbor and has known FI for years and has said he will keep it neutral and any scriptures he will keep them From the Bible since that's a common thing in the two religions.

I think I will talk to FI some more and have him tell FMIL if she pays for the JP we will use it. Otherwise invite her to go with us to talk about the ceremony with my bishop.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I think a discussion between FI and his mom is the way to go. Hopefully it will alleviate any resentments that may occur on the FMIL's part. I am thinking about the thread on the Etiquette board where there wasn't much discussion and hard feelings occurred. Unless a person is being unreasonable, I think discussion is best instead of just saying "this is how it is going to be". Hopefully after FI talks to FMIL she will feel more comfortable with the wedding. I don't know anything about the Mormon church, but is there a way to incorporate something that FMIL will consider Catholic (reading, prayer)?

MobKaz · April 2016

Having a discussion with FMIL is a respectful and wise decision. However, at some point she needs to be made very aware that YOUR ceremony has nothing to do about her or Catholicism. You are being incredibly considerate. There is no way I would include her in ceremony discussions with the bishop. YOUR ceremony should be a reflection of you and your FI, NOT her and her Catholicism.

**I say this as a Catholic. DD had a full on Catholic mass. DS had a secular ceremony void of any prayer.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

MobKaz said:

Having a discussion with FMIL is a respectful and wise decision. However, at some point she needs to be made very aware that YOUR ceremony has nothing to do about her or Catholicism. You are being incredibly considerate. There is no way I would include her in ceremony discussions with the bishop. YOUR ceremony should be a reflection of you and your FI, NOT her and her Catholicism.

**I say this as a Catholic. DD had a full on Catholic mass. DS had a secular ceremony void of any prayer.

I totally agree with this @MobKaz . My comment was based on the fact that FI considers himself Catholic even though he is non-practicing and open to other faiths. If they decide not to have any religious elements that is fine, I was just giving an option if they (B&G) want to include religious elements.

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

I would just like to point out that if you do have any readings and you take them from the Bible, I believe that the Mormon Bible has a few books that the Catholic faith does not recognize. I would try to find a reading from a book that exists in both religions.

I also think that your FI should just tell his mom that your bishop is sort of acting as a JOP in the description you have provided. He will be keeping the ceremony neutral, which is what a JOP does anyway. I do think if you give in on this, even if FMIL pays. You may begin to give her the impression that if she throws money at a problem, you two will abide by her wishes. That maybe something you do not want to start with her. I think your FI should have a discussion with FMIL, but it should be to outline what you two have decided for your ceremony and a thanks, but no thanks for the JOP offer.

Viczaesar · April 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

I would just like to point out that if you do have any readings and you take them from the Bible, I believe that the Mormon Bible has a few books that the Catholic faith does not recognize. I would try to find a reading from a book that exists in both religions.
I also think that your FI should just tell his mom that your bishop is sort of acting as a JOP in the description you have provided. He will be keeping the ceremony neutral, which is what a JOP does anyway. I do think if you give in on this, even if FMIL pays. You may begin to give her the impression that if she throws money at a problem, you two will abide by her wishes. That maybe something you do not want to start with her. I think your FI should have a discussion with FMIL, but it should be to outline what you two have decided for your ceremony and a thanks, but no thanks for the JOP offer.

Not quite. Actually, it would almost be more accurate to say that it's the other way around, interestingly. The official Mormon Bible is the King James version, and there is an official published LDS version of the KJV that has language that's oriented specifically towards the community and also a few passages that were translated by Joseph Smith rather than the original KJV text. The Catholic Bible contains the (Old Testament) Apocrypha, which are left out of the LDS KJV (and out of Protestant Bibles). What you're probably thinking of is the other books that the LDS community consider to be scripture as well, e.g. the Book of Mormon.

ETA: Not that I'm disagreeing with your underlying point, that they should be careful that any passages chosen should be ones that are common to both religions. I'm just commenting because I'm a scholar of religion and I enjoy discussing canon issues.

FMIL wants a JP officiant for us

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