RSVP with children

kahluakoala · April 2016

flantastic said:

Knottie32263219 said:

Thanks @JeeGooDowster ! I totally understand people not wanting to leave their children with a stranger. I think offering it as a courtesy is a nice gesture though and shows people that you are trying to be considerate.

Sort of, but what it mostly shows them is that you don't understand anything about being a parent - if you're going to be truly considerate with something "extra", you should actually find out what considerations your guests need. Otherwise, skip it. No one's going to use the childcare, and really very few people, if any, are going to appreciate that you have it, so it is not worth your time/money/effort.

When I was a teenager I had a job as "babysitter" at a popular local wedding venue. Every weekend I watched 12-15 kids or sometimes more. If it was more than 20 they usually called it back up. Saying "No one's going to use the childcare" really isn't true - lots of people use the childcare when it's offered. I've *been* the childcare. Maybe things were more lax 10 or so years ago? I was just a 15-17 year old kid with no special qualifications. I made a lot of money because drunk parents gave me hefty tips! Just because you wouldn't use it doesn't mean no one will appreciate it.

Knottie32263219 · April 2016

flantastic said:

Knottie32263219 said:

Thanks @JeeGooDowster ! I totally understand people not wanting to leave their children with a stranger. I think offering it as a courtesy is a nice gesture though and shows people that you are trying to be considerate.

Sort of, but what it mostly shows them is that you don't understand anything about being a parent - if you're going to be truly considerate with something "extra", you should actually find out what considerations your guests need. Otherwise, skip it. No one's going to use the childcare, and really very few people, if any, are going to appreciate that you have it, so it is not worth your time/money/effort.

Well it was my FILs idea and they have 8 children. They can do what they think is best for their family.

flantastic · April 2016

KahluaKoala said:

flantastic said:

Knottie32263219 said:

Thanks @JeeGooDowster ! I totally understand people not wanting to leave their children with a stranger. I think offering it as a courtesy is a nice gesture though and shows people that you are trying to be considerate.

Sort of, but what it mostly shows them is that you don't understand anything about being a parent - if you're going to be truly considerate with something "extra", you should actually find out what considerations your guests need. Otherwise, skip it. No one's going to use the childcare, and really very few people, if any, are going to appreciate that you have it, so it is not worth your time/money/effort.

When I was a teenager I had a job as "babysitter" at a popular local wedding venue. Every weekend I watched 12-15 kids or sometimes more. If it was more than 20 they usually called it back up. Saying "No one's going to use the childcare" really isn't true - lots of people use the childcare when it's offered. I've *been* the childcare. Maybe things were more lax 10 or so years ago? I was just a 15-17 year old kid with no special qualifications. I made a lot of money because drunk parents gave me hefty tips! Just because you wouldn't use it doesn't mean no one will appreciate it.

Yeah, I think in this day and age, particularly with the number of kids and even with the parents nearby, that's considered "pretty fucking irresponsible."

banana468 · April 2016

KahluaKoala said:

flantastic said:

Knottie32263219 said:

Thanks @JeeGooDowster ! I totally understand people not wanting to leave their children with a stranger. I think offering it as a courtesy is a nice gesture though and shows people that you are trying to be considerate.

Sort of, but what it mostly shows them is that you don't understand anything about being a parent - if you're going to be truly considerate with something "extra", you should actually find out what considerations your guests need. Otherwise, skip it. No one's going to use the childcare, and really very few people, if any, are going to appreciate that you have it, so it is not worth your time/money/effort.

When I was a teenager I had a job as "babysitter" at a popular local wedding venue. Every weekend I watched 12-15 kids or sometimes more. If it was more than 20 they usually called it back up. Saying "No one's going to use the childcare" really isn't true - lots of people use the childcare when it's offered. I've *been* the childcare. Maybe things were more lax 10 or so years ago? I was just a 15-17 year old kid with no special qualifications. I made a lot of money because drunk parents gave me hefty tips! Just because you wouldn't use it doesn't mean no one will appreciate it.

I'm guessing that a lot depends on the age of the child and the distance that the person is traveling.

My BIL and SIL did this for their wedding and most of the guests with children on BIL's side had a minimum of an 8 hour (some closer to 12 hour) drive. They didn't know the area and they didn't know anyone who lived in the area (it was in the bride's hometown and not where the B&G lived) so many turned it down.

I'd consider something like this for my 5 yo if I can be on site but it gives the feeling that if something goes wrong, I can bring my kid back to be with me.

I wouldn't do this with my toddler or anyone younger. I have left my kids daily since they were 6 weeks old at daycare but I interviewed the daycare ahead of time. I don't want to hire someone without vetting them first.

SP29 · April 2016

JeeGooDowster said:

Just out of curiosity, did your FI warn his side of the family in advance that children are not invited the same way you told your side of the family?

But isn't this pointing out who ISN'T invited, which would be against etiquette?

If there is a way to tactfully do this, how would it be done? Otherwise, all guests should be receiving this information via the invite, which would only state who is invited. I don't think the OP and her FI made a mistake by not spreading around to his family that kids won't be invited. Sure, some people may not understand their kids weren't invited, but then it goes back to the host to respond simply and clarify "Sorry, the invitation was for you and John". No one needs to get anxious or upset at this point.

JeeGooDowster · April 2016

SP29 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

Just out of curiosity, did your FI warn his side of the family in advance that children are not invited the same way you told your side of the family?

But isn't this pointing out who ISN'T invited, which would be against etiquette?

If there is a way to tactfully do this, how would it be done? Otherwise, all guests should be receiving this information via the invite, which would only state who is invited. I don't think the OP and her FI made a mistake by not spreading around to his family that kids won't be invited. Sure, some people may not understand their kids weren't invited, but then it goes back to the host to respond simply and clarify "Sorry, the invitation was for you and John". No one needs to get anxious or upset at this point.

You're right @SP29 but the Bride informed her family before invites went out...so why wouldn't the Groom do the same??

Knottie32263219 · April 2016

JeeGooDowster said:

SP29 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

Just out of curiosity, did your FI warn his side of the family in advance that children are not invited the same way you told your side of the family?

But isn't this pointing out who ISN'T invited, which would be against etiquette?

If there is a way to tactfully do this, how would it be done? Otherwise, all guests should be receiving this information via the invite, which would only state who is invited. I don't think the OP and her FI made a mistake by not spreading around to his family that kids won't be invited. Sure, some people may not understand their kids weren't invited, but then it goes back to the host to respond simply and clarify "Sorry, the invitation was for you and John". No one needs to get anxious or upset at this point.

You're right @SP29 but the Bride informed her family before invites went out...so why wouldn't the Groom do the same??

I definitely see what you are both saying. I am a lot closer with my family than he is with his, so I think I was more comfortable addressing them directly and knew they would be very understanding (which they were). I wasn't invited to my cousins wedding at the age of 16 because it was adults only so it is a common practice in my family.

JeeGooDowster · April 2016

Knottie32263219 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

SP29 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

Just out of curiosity, did your FI warn his side of the family in advance that children are not invited the same way you told your side of the family?

But isn't this pointing out who ISN'T invited, which would be against etiquette?

If there is a way to tactfully do this, how would it be done? Otherwise, all guests should be receiving this information via the invite, which would only state who is invited. I don't think the OP and her FI made a mistake by not spreading around to his family that kids won't be invited. Sure, some people may not understand their kids weren't invited, but then it goes back to the host to respond simply and clarify "Sorry, the invitation was for you and John". No one needs to get anxious or upset at this point.

You're right @SP29 but the Bride informed her family before invites went out...so why wouldn't the Groom do the same??

I definitely see what you are both saying. I am a lot closer with my family than he is with his, so I think I was more comfortable addressing them directly and knew they would be very understanding (which they were). I wasn't invited to my cousins wedding at the age of 16 because it was adults only so it is a common practice in my family.

Got it...so you left your in-laws to "spread the word." Correct? Did you and your FI speak with them directly on this together? Also, how is your FI reacting to all of this as of now?

Knottie32263219 · April 2016

JeeGooDowster said:

Knottie32263219 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

SP29 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

Just out of curiosity, did your FI warn his side of the family in advance that children are not invited the same way you told your side of the family?

But isn't this pointing out who ISN'T invited, which would be against etiquette?

If there is a way to tactfully do this, how would it be done? Otherwise, all guests should be receiving this information via the invite, which would only state who is invited. I don't think the OP and her FI made a mistake by not spreading around to his family that kids won't be invited. Sure, some people may not understand their kids weren't invited, but then it goes back to the host to respond simply and clarify "Sorry, the invitation was for you and John". No one needs to get anxious or upset at this point.

You're right @SP29 but the Bride informed her family before invites went out...so why wouldn't the Groom do the same??

I definitely see what you are both saying. I am a lot closer with my family than he is with his, so I think I was more comfortable addressing them directly and knew they would be very understanding (which they were). I wasn't invited to my cousins wedding at the age of 16 because it was adults only so it is a common practice in my family.

Got it...so you left your in-laws to "spread the word." Correct? Did you and your FI speak with them directly on this together? Also, how is your FI reacting to all of this as of now?

Yes and yes. We spoke with them several times on the subject but apparently we were not clear enough. FI has called repeatedly and remained firm on the subject. It just does not seem to be getting through. I am definitely a people-pleaser and I really want everyone to be happy so it is a hard situation.

geebee908 · April 2016

Knottie32263219 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

Knottie32263219 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

SP29 said:

JeeGooDowster said:

Just out of curiosity, did your FI warn his side of the family in advance that children are not invited the same way you told your side of the family?

But isn't this pointing out who ISN'T invited, which would be against etiquette?

If there is a way to tactfully do this, how would it be done? Otherwise, all guests should be receiving this information via the invite, which would only state who is invited. I don't think the OP and her FI made a mistake by not spreading around to his family that kids won't be invited. Sure, some people may not understand their kids weren't invited, but then it goes back to the host to respond simply and clarify "Sorry, the invitation was for you and John". No one needs to get anxious or upset at this point.

You're right @SP29 but the Bride informed her family before invites went out...so why wouldn't the Groom do the same??

I definitely see what you are both saying. I am a lot closer with my family than he is with his, so I think I was more comfortable addressing them directly and knew they would be very understanding (which they were). I wasn't invited to my cousins wedding at the age of 16 because it was adults only so it is a common practice in my family.

Got it...so you left your in-laws to "spread the word." Correct? Did you and your FI speak with them directly on this together? Also, how is your FI reacting to all of this as of now?

Yes and yes. We spoke with them several times on the subject but apparently we were not clear enough. FI has called repeatedly and remained firm on the subject. It just does not seem to be getting through. I am definitely a people-pleaser and I really want everyone to be happy so it is a hard situation.

People-pleaser shouldn't equal doormat. Your married lives will be much easier if you and FI can stand up for what you want here.

Heffalump · April 2016

flantastic said:

KahluaKoala said:

flantastic said:

Knottie32263219 said:

Thanks @JeeGooDowster ! I totally understand people not wanting to leave their children with a stranger. I think offering it as a courtesy is a nice gesture though and shows people that you are trying to be considerate.

Sort of, but what it mostly shows them is that you don't understand anything about being a parent - if you're going to be truly considerate with something "extra", you should actually find out what considerations your guests need. Otherwise, skip it. No one's going to use the childcare, and really very few people, if any, are going to appreciate that you have it, so it is not worth your time/money/effort.

When I was a teenager I had a job as "babysitter" at a popular local wedding venue. Every weekend I watched 12-15 kids or sometimes more. If it was more than 20 they usually called it back up. Saying "No one's going to use the childcare" really isn't true - lots of people use the childcare when it's offered. I've *been* the childcare. Maybe things were more lax 10 or so years ago? I was just a 15-17 year old kid with no special qualifications. I made a lot of money because drunk parents gave me hefty tips! Just because you wouldn't use it doesn't mean no one will appreciate it.

Yeah, I think in this day and age, particularly with the number of kids and even with the parents nearby, that's considered "pretty fucking irresponsible."

If it were a daycare (and I understand that it's not) the state would shut them down for a child : caregiver ratio that high.

delujm0 · April 2016

Do you have a hotel with a room block for out of town guests? Most hotels have conference rooms that can be rented out...that might be a good compromise for your FILs. Tell them they are welcome to rent out the event room at the hotel and hire sitters. It sounds like they truly think that the guests on their side will use it, so if they want to offer it, they can go ahead, it's their money and their family so let them do what they want. I agree with you though...if it's at the wedding venue, the kids will be at the reception. especially since these folks don't appear to understand that the kids are not invited.

ezizabef · May 2016

We didn't invite children (other than the flower girl and ring bearers) for similar reasons. There would be a million children to look after and this is a party for adults not to babysit everyone's kids and the budget would have been through the roof. Our venue was also somewhat strict, which made explaining the situation to others a little easier.

On our invitations, we wrote the number of seats that were reserved for each household and they had to fill in how many of those reserved would be attending. It sounds like we're past that point with you and inviations are already out?

If you don't want to explain too much to each person that presumptively rsvp'd with children. I would say that the event is for adults only and that venue and your budget would not accommodate the number of children you would need to invite in order to be inclusive of all families with children.

RSVP with children

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