Bad to Exclude His Family Photos?

Knottie1452565096 · May 2016

This isn't quite a woe, but I was unsure of which board it belongs...

My FMIL is a little complicated (note: easily offended, hard to read, has liked 0% of the women he's dated). My FI and I have agreed to only have him communicate with his mom for my own sanity.

Our reception venue has a fireplace with a mantle. I thought it would be really lovely to display framed photos of our parents and grandparents wedding photos. I've seen it done before and I like how it's kind of homey, but also humorous (my 'rents were married in the 80's, nuff said). We don't live near his parents or anyone that would have his side's photos, so we need his mom to provide them. He asked her once with no result, and he's worried about asking her again. Even if he does, I'm worried she'll never provide them. Here's the question:

Do I say 'Screw it,' and display the photos of my family, or is that rude, and I should just not use any and put something generic up?

CMGragain · May 2016

Just skip the photo display if it is going to cause anybody a problem.

kvruns · May 2016

Knottie1452565096 said:

This isn't quite a woe, but I was unsure of which board it belongs...

My FMIL is a little complicated (note: easily offended, hard to read, has liked 0% of the women he's dated). My FI and I have agreed to only have him communicate with his mom for my own sanity.

Our reception venue has a fireplace with a mantle. I thought it would be really lovely to display framed photos of our parents and grandparents wedding photos. I've seen it done before and I like how it's kind of homey, but also humorous (my 'rents were married in the 80's, nuff said). We don't live near his parents or anyone that would have his side's photos, so we need his mom to provide them. He asked her once with no result, and he's worried about asking her again. Even if he does, I'm worried she'll never provide them. Here's the question:

Do I say 'Screw it,' and display the photos of my family, or is that rude, and I should just not use any and put something generic up?

Why is he worried to ask a second time?

JediElizabeth · May 2016

Knottie1452565096 said:

This isn't quite a woe, but I was unsure of which board it belongs...

My FMIL is a little complicated (note: easily offended, hard to read, has liked 0% of the women he's dated). My FI and I have agreed to only have him communicate with his mom for my own sanity.

Our reception venue has a fireplace with a mantle. I thought it would be really lovely to display framed photos of our parents and grandparents wedding photos. I've seen it done before and I like how it's kind of homey, but also humorous (my 'rents were married in the 80's, nuff said). We don't live near his parents or anyone that would have his side's photos, so we need his mom to provide them. He asked her once with no result, and he's worried about asking her again. Even if he does, I'm worried she'll never provide them. Here's the question:

Do I say 'Screw it,' and display the photos of my family, or is that rude, and I should just not use any and put something generic up?

Don't give up honoring your family because she's difficult, but also don't keep her out.

I'd have him let her know that you're displaying photos from your family, and would love to include his family as well. Have your FI call and email her, so she (and you) have the request in writing.

Does your FI have a good relationship with any other family members? If possible, I'd also try reaching out to them and offering to pay to have those pictures shipped to you. An aunt, uncle, or grandmother may be much easier to ask for help.

Knottie1452565096 · May 2016

Why is he worried to ask a second time?

He thinks she's too busy and doesn't want to stress her out. She's a stay-at-home wife not involved in anything outside the home. I've seen the photos in boxes at their house, so I know they exist.

Basically, that's a great question, lol.

Does your FI have a good relationship with any other family members? If possible, I'd also try reaching out to them and offering to pay to have those pictures shipped to you. An aunt, uncle, or grandmother may be much easier to ask for help.

That's a good idea-- I'll try to see if his sister will be there before the wedding. Thanks, hadn't thought of that!

There wouldn't be any family members outside of that. His aunt (his mom's sister) sent the invitation to us unopened with a note that basically said "Weddings are for people that love and know you and we can't be included in that. Have a nice life." I am not dealing with warm and cuddly people here. She really could have just said "no."

OurWildKingdom · May 2016

I like the idea of asking FSIL for photos, and I'm sorry your future ILs are so difficult. I cannot believe FI's aunt had that much gall to do that with the invitation.

@CMGragain has a point: either both families (if FSIL helps you out) or neither. Maybe you can put some favorite pictures of you and FI on the mantle instead, or mementos of things you've done together.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

Ask her or FSIL for the photos, tell them what they are for, and let them know when you need them by (if you need them a day or two before the reception, I had to drop everything off 48 hours in advance). If she doesn't provide them, that's on her. Don't not honor your family because she didn't get things to you.

MesmrEwe · May 2016

It may be that she doesn't want to provide the originals if she lives a distance - which would be perfectly understandable! You can always scan and print a copy or potentially even get one printed from the original photographer! FI could take a picture with your camera over the top of it the next time you're there and print it off himself.

Yes, it's o.k. for him to ask her a second time but this time provide alternatives that she wouldn't need to stress about - such as "Hey Mom - who was your wedding photographer? We'd like to get a small print made of your wedding picture made to display at our wedding"..

I also agree with CMG - both sides or neither side... You can always use pictures from your time dating instead!

lnixon8 · May 2016

MesmrEwe said:

It may be that she doesn't want to provide the originals if she lives a distance - which would be perfectly understandable! You can always scan and print a copy or potentially even get one printed from the original photographer! FI could take a picture with your camera over the top of it the next time you're there and print it off himself.
Yes, it's o.k. for him to ask her a second time but this time provide alternatives that she wouldn't need to stress about - such as "Hey Mom - who was your wedding photographer? We'd like to get a small print made of your wedding picture made to display at our wedding"..
I also agree with CMG - both sides or neither side... You can always use pictures from your time dating instead!

This sounds like a lot of work. I don't think people spent money and research time on photos like they do now. Their photographer could be just a family member (my parents was!), someone with a half decent camera, or dead- meaning no digital images and even then, I hope people cant just contact my photographer and get copies of my wedding pics.

Agree with CMG to skip if it comes to this.

lembaslover · May 2016

Yea I'm sorry it sucks if they are difficult and don't provide the photos but I think it would set a really bad tone if you had pictures of just your family and none of his. So I agree with PPs saying to have both or skip it.

It's not like you can't still honor your family in another way. Write them heartfelt notes that tell them how much they mean or just tell them in person.

Or if you are set on putting up photos does your FI have any non-wedding pictures of his family? Maybe on a family vacation or from his childhood? Maybe instead of wedding photos you could put up just normal family photos from both of your families growing up.

MesmrEwe · May 2016

lnixon8 said:

MesmrEwe said:

It may be that she doesn't want to provide the originals if she lives a distance - which would be perfectly understandable! You can always scan and print a copy or potentially even get one printed from the original photographer! FI could take a picture with your camera over the top of it the next time you're there and print it off himself.
Yes, it's o.k. for him to ask her a second time but this time provide alternatives that she wouldn't need to stress about - such as "Hey Mom - who was your wedding photographer? We'd like to get a small print made of your wedding picture made to display at our wedding"..
I also agree with CMG - both sides or neither side... You can always use pictures from your time dating instead!

This sounds like a lot of work. I don't think people spent money and research time on photos like they do now. Their photographer could be just a family member (my parents was!), someone with a half decent camera, or dead- meaning no digital images and even then, I hope people cant just contact my photographer and get copies of my wedding pics.

Agree with CMG to skip if it comes to this.

If anything - it's a good idea if they have the opportunity to obtain originals or copies of their wedding pictures now because of the "dead photographer" factor... Lesson learned - My parent's 50th ... The photographer before she passed had set aside my parent's pictures to give them the negatives but my parents hadn't had a chance to get to her place to pick them up (they live four hours away), she ended up with an aggressive form of cancer and passed... Time came for their 50th and I was trying to get ahold of them since they'd been donated to the historical society in the area (which took research and her brother was adamant about reuniting as many of the pictures with original subjects in them or their descendants as possible) - sadly - the person in charge of them at the historical society refused to allow anyone to go near them because "They're wrapped in shrink wrap up on a shelf in a heap" and he refused to even look himself. These pictures are no good to anyone except those who are in them and most certainly how they're currently being kept is not preserving them for generations to come. So if you have the opportunity - link up to get the originals!! (would be a great gift to the parents for the wedding!!)

*Barbie* · May 2016

Knottie1452565096 said:

This isn't quite a woe, but I was unsure of which board it belongs...

My FMIL is a little complicated (note: easily offended, hard to read, has liked 0% of the women he's dated). My FI and I have agreed to only have him communicate with his mom for my own sanity.

We don't live near his parents or anyone that would have his side's photos, so we need his mom to provide them. He asked her once with no result, and he's worried about asking her again. Even if he does, I'm worried she'll never provide them. Here's the question:

Knottie1452565096 said:

Why is he worried to ask a second time?

He thinks she's too busy and doesn't want to stress her out. She's a stay-at-home wife not involved in anything outside the home. I've seen the photos in boxes at their house, so I know they exist.

There wouldn't be any family members outside of that. His aunt (his mom's sister) sent the invitation to us unopened with a note that basically said "Weddings are for people that love and know you and we can't be included in that. Have a nice life." I am not dealing with warm and cuddly people here. She really could have just said "no."

SITB - this ^^^^^^^^ makes me feel like there's something going on that you're not telling us. Why does none of his family like you? / Why aren't you making any effort with your fMIL?

kvruns · May 2016

His Aunt sent back an unopened invitation with a nasty note? wtf

MNNEBride · May 2016

Sounds to me like there is a bigger issue here than family photos. You'll need to deal with your husband's family for your entire married life. Best to get on the same page with your FI now and have a plan and boundaries on your relationship with his family.

scrunchythief · May 2016

I'd skip it altogether. I wouldn't be going out of my way to very publicly honor someone who can't even be civil enough to talk to me. But I'd think it was awkward to just have photos of one side, so I'd skip it. Now if your FI really wanted this, it'd be a different story, but another problem, I think.

I like the idea of childhood pictures. Maybe baby pics of each of you on each end, with progressively older photos going towards the middle. Then have the middle one be a picture of the two of you.

tigerlily6 · May 2016

I also really like the child photo idea rather than having wedding photos of just one side . . . it sounds like things are strained enough already.

And wtf with your FI's aunt sending the invitation back with a message like that? It sounds like there is some drama going on here that we're not hearing about.

artbyallie · May 2016

Maybe ask for old family photos and not specifically wedding? I don't think there are any photos of either of my grandparents' weddings. Both couples had midweek weddings at their churches with minimal guests and I don't believe there were even pictures taken.

Tyvm · May 2016

His aunt (his mom's sister) sent the invitation to us unopened with a note that basically said "Weddings are for people that love and know you and we can't be included in that. Have a nice life." I am not dealing with warm and cuddly people here. She really could have just said "no."

Oh gawd. That's awful.
There's definitely something else going on here. Might just be they're all mean people. But...yeeeeesh.

Knottie1452565096 · May 2016

Thanks for all the feedback! A lot of that is helpful.

We definitely tackled the family issue in a pre-marital retreat and boundaries have been set and we have open communication about it/have each other’s backs.

I don’t know the rest of the story— I haven't met anyone outside his mom/sister/dad, he hasn't seen any family outside of them since childhood, and it's not my place to fix it. My family is great, so at least we've got that going for us. I think the unopened RSVP from his aunt was a giant F-U to his mom, not us. At least it’s a good story?

Bad to Exclude His Family Photos?

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