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Baby Talk

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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in Chit Chat
Since getting engaged, the people in our lives won't stop asking about when we're going to have a baby. Normally, when it comes from close friends and family, I don't mind, but when it comes to coworkers and  acquaintances, I get a little annoyed, especially when they start questioning very personal decisions, and asking for specific details (i.e. timeline, will I work?). Right now, we only want one (FH has two sons), and sure plans change, but why are people so insistent on giving opinons on something so personal?! Is anyone else experiencing this? 



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Re: Baby Talk

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I got it from one of my clients.  We've been married 3 years, so we had hoped to have children by now (biology/ God has other plans).  He made a few comments about how he figured we'd be trying soon.  I know he meant well, so I subtly pulled him aside and asked him to not make those comments.  

    But yeah,  brace yourselves. 




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  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    No one makes comments on this topic to me, because I give them uncomfortable responses.

    I really don't think strangers should be inquiring about the activities in my bedroom, TBH.

    k thnx bye

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  • charlieray-2charlieray-2 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    WineAndLipgloss said:
    Since getting engaged, the people in our lives won't stop asking about when we're going to have a baby. Normally, when it comes from close friends and family, I don't mind, but when it comes to coworkers and  acquaintances, I get a little annoyed, especially when they start questioning very personal decisions, and asking for specific details (i.e. timeline, will I work?). Right now, we only want one (FH has two sons), and sure plans change, but why are people so insistent on giving opinons on something so personal?! Is anyone else experiencing this? 



    My mom mentioned that FMIL was asking her if she thinks we'll jump right on the baby making train after we get married "since [we've] been together for so long already", my mom and I had a good laugh about it because I am the most awkward person around children.

    I can actually understand the "anytime soon?" questions (as long as it's not in excess), it's the getting into the personal details and pressuring that drives me crazy.
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    I got pregnant pretty soon after marriage, so I didn't deal with these questions much, but now it's "when are you going to have another?"

    My sister has been married a long time and struggles with infertility.  My Dad is so clueless, he kept saying things like "you need to get started on making me a grandchild" even though she tried to explain that they HAD been trying.  He didn't seem to get it for several years.  Now I think he finally gets it. But I always wanted to strangle him for her when he said those things.

    People will always feel the need to comment on your children or lack of.  If you don't have any, or only have 1, then you need to have more!  If you have more, then geez, haven't you heard of birth control?  People need to mind their own business...

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I can't forget the wedding guest who came up to me as I was playing the prelude and asked me, "Is she pregnant?"  Ewww!
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  • ericasm0703ericasm0703 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    The guys I work with have asked a few times; outside of the volunteers, I'm the only female at my station. I do consider them my family so I don't get bothered by it. Some of my aunts have asked several times about when we're going to have kids, how many we're going to have and whether we're already "practicing." It's hard sometimes because they don't know that FI and I suffered a loss already. Most have been receptive of me saying that we'll have children when we're ready, whenever that happens to be. 

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    ericasm0703 said:
    The guys I work with have asked a few times; outside of the volunteers, I'm the only female at my station. I do consider them my family so I don't get bothered by it. Some of my aunts have asked several times about when we're going to have kids, how many we're going to have and whether we're already "practicing." It's hard sometimes because they don't know that FI and I suffered a loss already. Most have been receptive of me saying that we'll have children when we're ready, whenever that happens to be. 
    So sorry for your loss.  When someone asks, just say "God knows."  That covers it all.
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    Oh yes. It's just starting OP!

    My family was pretty bad when we first got married- fortunately they've cooled off since we have now been married for 2 years with no children on the horizon. I don't mind if it happens to come up in conversation casually, if we are planning on having children. I am also happy to discuss with my friends as part of our "girl talk", but we're all in a similar boat, recently married, figuring out our jobs, houses, etc. What I don't like is when people ask, "WHEN are you having children?"- repeatedly. Or jokes about "making babies".

    And even worse- when people start making assumptions about whether or not you are pregnant. Once we were visiting BIL and SIL and I wasn't feeling well (I get car sick easily), so I turned down an alcoholic beverage (no, I don't want alcohol when I feel like puking- imagine that!). SIL asked my other SIL later if I was pregnant.... When you see me holding a new baby, then you'll know!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Ugh, I should brace myself. We moved into our four bedroom house a few months ago, and my family is already calling the office "the nursery."

    Hmmm maybe I should start giving uncomfortable responses.  Thanks for the tip, ladies. :)  


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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    fyrchk said:

    I had to have a hysterectomy before being able to have kids. Some people know, some don't. So, when people ask I respond with, "I can't." Then if they persist like, "Can't or aren't ready, teehee." I respond with, "No, I physically can't. We won't be having children. Thank you for the reminder." It's my way of trying to educate people. I don't feel I should have to tell them, "It's okay, you didn't know." When they apologize. In my head, they shouldn't have gone there in the first place. Along the lines of putting your hands on a pregnant woman's stomach without her permission. I may come across as a bitch but it is exhausting and makes me emotional all over again.

    (After reading this back, I sound like a total bitch, and I'm usually nice about it. But it sends me into a tailspin. Every Mother's Day is a bad time for me. No one acknowledges the child that was lost and acts like everyone is perfectly fertile/able to conceive just because you get married.)

    Sorry for the party pooper response!

    Not a party pooper- it's the truth. I think people get excited because babies are fun, but it's really no one else's business if, when or why someone does or does not have children. That's why I said, "when you see me holding a new baby you'll know". Maybe that new baby will be adopted, maybe there won't be one.

    Now that I've gotten to an age where my friends/acquaintances are having (or not having) children, I've learned more about the various facets of child birth, infertility, miscarriages, etc. I know make a point to be careful about what I say, or better yet, not say anything at all! You never know what is going on in someone else's life, and unless they feel close enough with me to share that information, I'm not close enough to ask about it.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    fyrchk I don't think you sound like a bitch. I can only imagine the heartbreak you've been through. I'm sorry for your pain and loss. You have every right to feel the way you feel.  ericasm0703 I'm sorry for you loss too, and holyguacamole79 I'm sorry for your struggles. 






       


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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I completely understand why questions can be both annoying and inappropriate. For now, I'm not irritated by it. The amount of times I'm asked about family planning is a very tiny percentage of the time I spend with people. People I'm close with at work at least know that I'm in a "gathering research" phase, so cracking a joke about why I'm taking off sick ("Nope not pregnant, just feeling like crap!") isn't a big deal. My admin used to work for the public school system, so I've asked her quite a bit of stuff. There are some new moms that I've asked about child care resources. I asked my mother-friends questions about parent-related stuff. So even though we're not trying, I'm interested, so the topic isn't sensitive or annoying for me. 

    It's very true (for us religious or semi-religious people) that "only God knows" when we'll have kids. My answer to the when question is a generic, "Not ready just yet, but in the future hopefully!" Luckily it seems I don't know a lot of rude people as no one, and I mean no one, presses for more detail. 
    ________________________________


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  • ElcaBElcaB member
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    The best response I've heard when someone asks "When are you going to have babies?" is, "Five years after the last person asks us."
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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
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    I'm so sorry for the losses and infertility issues out there. DH and I have just started trying and my eyes have really been opened to how complicated everything can be and also to how insensitive people are to people who may be having issues that they don't know about! Also it's really just no ones business...

    I've always told my parents I'm not having kids so not to expect anything but grandhamsters from me so they don't ask. Honestly before I met DH that was true but something about that man made me happy to change my name and want babies!

    A few coworkers have asked and right now what I tell people I'm closer to is our appt is too small we're waiting until we buy a house (which is semi true, we plan to buy a house this winter/early spring and even if I get KU in the next couple months we should have the house before it's born). People I'm not close to at all I say we are just enjoying being married for a while. We haven't told anyone we know in person that we are trying. 
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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
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    Happens to me all the time since we got married - even our dental hygienist asks about our plans for kids while he has his hands in my mouth. I usually just say "We probably will have kids, some day." And then try to change the topic. Because getting in to the fact that yes, we ARE trying, but we have experienced losses (most recently a few months ago) and have fertility issues, is so much more than I want to share with most people I interact with in daily life.

    I don't mind as much when close family/friends ask, since they know our history and I don't have to go into details. My family is actually really good about it, and I don't get many questions. Though they DO know we are trying again, very actively, they do not constantly ask how it's going. I appreciate that. Though if it had not been for my recent miscarriage, I probably would not have told anyone we were even trying - it adds a lot of pressure knowing that the family is wondering when I will get pregnant.

    It is frustrating when strangers/acquaintances ask - it feels insensitive to assume we will have kids, and that if will be easy to do so when we're ready. It's just not anyone's business.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    People love to think that they have a right to know about the use of your uterus.   I wish more and more people would STFU.   I had an aunt say, "Just tell them that you're trying," and I have repeatedly tried to tell her that the appropriate thing is to not ask in the first damn place.

    Maybe that's information that's OK to share with closer friends and family in private but for some reason people think that discussing a sex life is up for discussion in large groups.   
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  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    The best response I've heard when someone asks "When are you going to have babies?" is, "Five years after the last person asks us."
    @ElcaB YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS+++++++++++++++++

    I like this response.

    k thnx bye

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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its

    I've started throwing shit back in people's faces. H and I don't want kids and people like to argue with me and insist that I do want kids. So I respond with "How do you know we're not infertile? How do you know that we even could have kids? How would it be okay for you to insist that I should have babies if I'm incapable of carrying one?".

    That shuts them up, and hopefully they'll remember it in the future and not say that shit to someone else.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My mum and MIL both ask often. We're planning next year, but there's a few things we said we wanted to have done before trying. Buy a house {just done!} and I'm on medication that could affect health of baby, so I need to switch.

    Since telling them this, they stopped. But honestly, when MIL {who was worse} would bring it up I would casually be like "We're practicing."
    She would immediately stop. As PP's said, maybe saying something shocking will stop them.
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    marriedhamstermom said:
    I'm so sorry for the losses and infertility issues out there. DH and I have just started trying and my eyes have really been opened to how complicated everything can be and also to how insensitive people are to people who may be having issues that they don't know about! Also it's really just no ones business...

    I've always told my parents I'm not having kids so not to expect anything but grandhamsters from me so they don't ask. Honestly before I met DH that was true but something about that man made me happy to change my name and want babies!

    A few coworkers have asked and right now what I tell people I'm closer to is our appt is too small we're waiting until we buy a house (which is semi true, we plan to buy a house this winter/early spring and even if I get KU in the next couple months we should have the house before it's born). People I'm not close to at all I say we are just enjoying being married for a while. We haven't told anyone we know in person that we are trying. 
    that's pretty much what I did. I never got asked much but I would just say "if it happens it happens, if not that is ok" so I've gotten a lot of shocked people when I told them because they just assumed we weren't going to. Much prefer it this way.
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  • Knottie1427379075Knottie1427379075 member
    First Comment
    I'm so sorry to hear of the different losses from various people, as well as the hurt for wanting to bear your own children when it is not possible.

    I have a very close friend who has recently been going through something like this. She and her husband have been married for three and a half years now, and she is currently due at the end of August. Before she found out she was pregnant, she would receive a constant barrage of questions and "when am I getting grandchildren" comments from her MIL. She and her husband had been trying since shortly after they got married, so she was feeling really down and discouraged. She kept telling people that she thought maybe she didn't want kids, but the truth was she couldn't handle the hurt of possibly being infertile, even though tests said that everything was in working order for both her and DH.

    DH and I only just got married a couple weeks ago, and I have already received this question twice. I suffer from PCOS, so that lowers my probability of conception. We were originally planning on starting to try a year after we were married, but I was diagnosed with cancer in October 2015, and I have been receiving treatment since November. I have to be in treatment for a minimum of three years; and once those three years are up, we will reassess whether to keep me on the treatments. Doctors will not treat me with these meds if I become pregnant; and if I do get pregnant while on these drugs, the likelihood of miscarriage is very high. Now, the fact that I don't fit the stereotype of what someone with cancer looks like might not help my case, but it is rude nonetheless. I haven't lost my hair, though it has thinned a bit; and I am active and appear happy (plus I just had a big, festive wedding). It seems that these things must equal that I'm fine and not really sick. This is far from the truth, but I'm more of someone who always looks healthy (regardless of how sick I am) and typically don't even look miserable when I have the flu or something. 

    All of this being said, I don't think it is rude to be upfront about the intrusive questions that someone asks about pregnancy or lack thereof. I have no qualms about replying in a manner that would make the inappropriately curious uncomfortable, as their questions make us uncomfortable. So far, my response has been, "Well, I can't because I'm currently being treated for cancer." It's the truth, and it usually shuts them up real quick. I know this may seem harsh, but I genuinely don't give a crap about how uncomfortable I make them feel with this reply. What they ask is hurtful and cancer doesn't wait for you to finish your plans. 
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  • TyvmTyvm member
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    I have no qualms about replying in a manner that would make the inappropriately curious uncomfortable, as their questions make us uncomfortable. So far, my response has been, "Well, I can't because I'm currently being treated for cancer." It's the truth, and it usually shuts them up real quick. I know this may seem harsh, but I genuinely don't give a crap about how uncomfortable I make them feel with this reply. What they ask is hurtful and cancer doesn't wait for you to finish your plans. 
    @Knottie1427379075 I think this is really the best approach. If people with alternative stories don't give honest responses, these well-meaning strangers will continue asking these rude (and sometimes hurtful), though well-intentioned questions. People have miscarriages. People try for years. People are infertile. People hate children. People have genetic disorders. People have beliefs about bringing new beings into a declining ecosystem. 

    The more prevalent these alternative life stories are, the more people will have to adjust to viewing them as normal, which is what they are anyways. Just a hidden normal.

    Honestly, [hypothetical] you can take your good intentions and shove 'em up you ass, if you can't help but ask intrusive, thoughtless questions.

    k thnx bye

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