Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wrong name on wedding correspondence--ok to say something, and how?

Hello Knotties! I have a question about whether it's acceptable to say something in this situation, and if so, how:

My BIL is getting married in a few months. I changed my last name to DH's, but the wedding correspondence (save the dates, shower, etc.) has all been coming in addressed to DH and to me with my old last name. While I understand that they wouldn't want to risk offending me by assuming that I'd changed my name, as many women choose not to, I was also surprised that they wouldn't have checked with me or DH about my name before addressing envelopes. (Or, that BIL wouldn't just check Facebook and see that my last name has been changed.)

It's such a tiny detail, and I feel petty for being even a little bit bothered by it, but at the same time, that's my name now and I'd like to be addressed properly. Is it acceptable to say something in this situation, by contacting BIL or his FI directly--and if so, how does one go about this politely? Is an email acceptable for this type of thing? (We have a good relationship with BIL and his FI, and have a good time during the rare chances we have to all get together, but we also live thousands of miles away from them, which prevents my mentioning something more casually in person.) Or, is this one of those things that you just let go?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or experiences you can share. Also, I miss all you regulars and your wit and wisdom! Since my wedding a year and a half ago, I've been wrapped up in finishing my graduate program, moving closer to DH's family, and being fortunate enough to score a full-time job in my field that I enjoy. Hope you're all doing well :) 

Re: Wrong name on wedding correspondence--ok to say something, and how?

  • Aray82 said:
    Hello Knotties! I have a question about whether it's acceptable to say something in this situation, and if so, how:

    My BIL is getting married in a few months. I changed my last name to DH's, but the wedding correspondence (save the dates, shower, etc.) has all been coming in addressed to DH and to me with my old last name. While I understand that they wouldn't want to risk offending me by assuming that I'd changed my name, as many women choose not to, I was also surprised that they wouldn't have checked with me or DH about my name before addressing envelopes. (Or, that BIL wouldn't just check Facebook and see that my last name has been changed.)

    It's such a tiny detail, and I feel petty for being even a little bit bothered by it, but at the same time, that's my name now and I'd like to be addressed properly. Is it acceptable to say something in this situation, by contacting BIL or his FI directly--and if so, how does one go about this politely? Is an email acceptable for this type of thing? (We have a good relationship with BIL and his FI, and have a good time during the rare chances we have to all get together, but we also live thousands of miles away from them, which prevents my mentioning something more casually in person.) Or, is this one of those things that you just let go?

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts or experiences you can share. Also, I miss all you regulars and your wit and wisdom! Since my wedding a year and a half ago, I've been wrapped up in finishing my graduate program, moving closer to DH's family, and being fortunate enough to score a full-time job in my field that I enjoy. Hope you're all doing well :) 
    Does the RSVP card have a line to print your names?  Can DH drop it in conversation next time they speak?
    image
  • Aray82Aray82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2016
    That's a good point--the RSVP card may provide that opportunity, though we haven't gotten it yet. And I also need to send an RSVP to her shower host, which will have my new last name in there. I'd much prefer that way, or having DH drop it in conversation than having to send a more "official" (and perhaps unintentionally  passive-aggressive sounding) note.
  • Aray82Aray82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:
    This is your husband's brother? I would just say something. 
    Yes, husband's brother, and they are close. That was my initial thought, but then DH was like, "Nooo, it might be rude to say something!" 
  • Your husband should just call his brother and tell him. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2016
    No, it is not rude to tell people how you prefer to be addressed.  You will need to make it clear if you want to be Mr. and Mrs. John Hislastname (traditional) or Ms. Jane Hislastname and Mr. John Hislastname.  Either is correct.   Please tell them as soon as possible.
    I addressed my daughter's wedding invitations for her, and I am sure I made a mistake or two.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Having just finished addressing my invitations, I really wouldn't mind if someone came to me and pointed out a mistake.  I tried my best, but I also addressed ~75 invites, and I didn't contact every single woman on my guest list to inquire whether they hyphenate, still use their maiden name, took their husband's last name or prefer Ms. or Mrs.  Better mention something now rather than 15 years down the road. 

    Incidentally, when I went to address FI's co-worker's invite I decided to do a quick practice.  I did catch one mistake during that practice run, as their last name is one letter off from the world's most famous baboon.  Don't know how they would have felt receiving an invitation for Mr. and Mrs. Co-worker Trump.  This is why I ordered a bunch of extra envelopes. 
  • Go ahead and diplomatically tell them.  I wouldn't consider it rude unless you make it so.  I have a SIL who kept her name, the hardest one I've had recently was signing for her as part of a family gift for how to put her and his name as first-name with last names not a "Mr. & Mrs." type situation...  But - without KNOWING unless someone speaks up, they'll never know, go ahead and say "I know you're working from a spreadsheet and just an easy update that I took DH's last name when we married!"  Shifts the blame to the spreadsheet not being updated/saved...


  • Aray82Aray82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    That's a good point--We've only been married about a year and a half, and it's true, they wouldn't know since we don't do Christmas cards. I do have it changed on fb which BIL is on, but he isn't really active on there. 
  • Aray82Aray82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MesmrEwe said:

    Go ahead and diplomatically tell them.  I wouldn't consider it rude unless you make it so.  I have a SIL who kept her name, the hardest one I've had recently was signing for her as part of a family gift for how to put her and his name as first-name with last names not a "Mr. & Mrs." type situation...  But - without KNOWING unless someone speaks up, they'll never know, go ahead and say "I know you're working from a spreadsheet and just an easy update that I took DH's last name when we married!"  Shifts the blame to the spreadsheet not being updated/saved...


    Yes, the spreadsheet--smart phrasing!
  • Aray82Aray82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my question--knew if there was anyone who'd know how to approach this, it'd be you folks! I asked DH to casually mention it to his brother the next time they talk, which should be in a day or so.
  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    PPs have you covered. What does your email say? Not your actual email address but the "reply to" name. It was brought to my attention that the "reply to" name for me was different than what I was going by a few times and people take cues from that, too.
  • lc07 said:
    PPs have you covered. What does your email say? Not your actual email address but the "reply to" name. It was brought to my attention that the "reply to" name for me was different than what I was going by a few times and people take cues from that, too.

    Sometimes this is due to the email receivers' address book too though.  Sometimes in address books there is a spot for "show as" and it will usually auto-populate with the first and last name of what "you" have in your address book.  So unless you go in and change your address book, it will always show with the incorrect name, even if the sender has their name updated on their end.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards