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thisismynickname2 · June 2016

Knottie1451322605 said:

I have a unique situation. My maid of honor and I have a long history. We became friends our freshman year of high school. She was out going and always did her make up well while I skipped class and had a strict dress code of jeans and a t-shirt. She was my best friend and my only good friend. I was kind of quiet and people did not think of me without thinking of her too because we were inseparable. Junior year I decided to switch schools to be closer to home. She came with me. I made new friends and so did she only she had a little jealously issue of me having more friends than just her. But no harm no fowl. I know her. She just gets moody.

One day she got into an argument with one of my 'new' friends. After that she would get mad any time I associated with my 'new' friends. She began to ignore me despite my attempts to connect with her. She then got mad at me for spending time with my 'new' friend that she did not like and told me she did not want to be friends anymore. I apologized for hanging out with my 'new' friend. (At that time I thought she was the best of friends I was ever going to have in life) A year passed and she apologized and asked to be friends again. I am a very forgiving person and after all she was my "best friend". The only one I ever had and I thought you could only have one.

A couple years passed and we had graduated high school. Everything was fine. Until she started distancing herself from me again. Would not answer my calls/texts. The only time I would see her is if I showed up unannounced. Which I had done our entire friendship anyways. I finally backed off because I was tired of always putting effort into our friendship with getting nothing in return. At this time she had no other friends. I was her only one. But I considered her family by this time and loved her like a sister or cousin. Slowly she erased me from her life. Completely ignoring my calls. Deleted me from social media. The whole shebang. I tried reaching out to her to see what I had done. But never got a reply.

So for the next three years I grew and worked at a great company and made lots of friends. I reconnect with an old high school friend who new my best friend from when we all went to the same school in freshman year. He is now my best friend and fiance. He could not believe how things had turned out between my best friend and I. He thought we would be 'besties' forever.

Well, about a year ago my ex-best friend contacted me through facebook and said she would love to get together and catch up. That she missed me and couldn't believe it had been such a long time since we had talked. I agreed to meet her because, lets face it, I'm a softy for apologies. We met, had lunch, talked, she introduced me to her son who was almost a year old at the time. She apologized for abandoning our friendship and said I was the only true friend she had ever had. So we began to grow closer. Again, I mostly had to invite myself over or call her first. But she was always happy to hear or see me so I figured this is just how she is. I know her. And this is how she will always be. But she had grown up some and I noticed that she never mentioned an ill word about seeing posts/pictures of me and my 'new real' friends together. I figured she realized I was not that shy little girl anymore that needed her as a friend as if my life depended on it. I had grown up and made a life and met some really nice people I am lucky to call friends.

Heres where things get tricky. I got engaged. I asked the only person I had ever considered my "best friend" to be my maid of honor. She was so excited and the world was is it was supposed to be. I had my best friend back and she was going to be my maid of honor like we had always planned since childhood. At first she was more than happy to be apart of the festivities. Going dress shopping, going to bridal shows. She met my other 3 bridesmaids. I got a little vibe of jealously but nothing she was going to act on because these ladies had been there when she wasn't. They had been my friends when she had outcasted me. (which she never really could give me a solid reason for doing)

I told my bridesmaids that I did not care what kind of dress they bought as long as it was the same color and material. They are a variation of sizes and I wanted them to get a dress that they were comfortable with. The other girls had no problem finding a dress that everyone liked in the same color/material...except my maid of honor. She bought a dress that is not only not the same color or material but also a little riskayy if you know what I mean. By this time I had explained the situation of my friendship between me and my maid of honor to my other bridesmaids. They are all great women and understood completely. Although, they were not happy about her dress choice simply because they thought it was disrespectful to me. It made me mad but I had more important wedding matters to think about rather than to start a fight amongst the bridesmaids. Then one day my MOH contacts me saying how she feels replaced by my new friends and how she is supposed to be my best friend and my maid of honor. Again, I know her. She's just being moody and needs reassurance. So I assure her that she is my best bud and that I wouldnt want anyone else to be my MOH. Which is true. I always wanted her to be standing next to me on my big day. But she was upset because my other bridesmaid were helping me. She felt like they were taking her maid of honor dutied from her. However, they call me and offer help. My MOH has not offered anything except owning her MOH title. What can they do to ease the wedding planning stress? What can they help with? What about the bridal party? What about the bachelorette party? They are always there when I call. My MOH has not offered to do a single thing. She did not assist the other bridesmaids when I had them over one evening to help me get the favors ready. She barely answers the phone when I call...

She has started to slip back into old habits. Ignoring my calls/texts/snapchats. But I can see that she looks at my messages or I can see that she is active on social media but ignoring my call/text. I confronted her and told her that it hurt my feelings that she would deliberately ignore me. I also told her that I would understand if she did not have time or want the stress of being my MOH. There would be no hard feelings. I know she has a small child and a job (that was her excuse for ignoring my calls for weeks) and if she didn't want the extra stress of wedding I would totally understand but I just needed to know. I mean I have less than two months until the wedding and she has been blowing me off since April.

My bridal shower is coming up this Saturday. Anytime I tell her anything important; dates, times..etc she just responds with "ok". Never offers to help. Never confirms whether she will be attending or not. I have told her that all the bridesmaid will be coming over to help set up, make food, and decorations for the bridal shower and I would love for her to come. She responds with a simple OK. But I can almost best my life that when the time comes she will simply not show up like she has the past two times.

The advice I'm looking for: Should I confront her again? If she doesn't show up to the bridal shower how do I react to that? One of my other bridesmaids has already volunteered to throw a bachelorette party since the MOH has not offered to. Is it ok for me to give the reins to the offering bridesmaid regardless of how my MOH is going to feel about it?

I know this was way too long and detailed but I felt the reader would need the history of friendship to give accurate advice. Thank You...

So... I'm just going to be blunt. All bridesmaids and maids/matrons of honor do is stand up with you on the wedding day in the chosen dress. They don't have to host or attend pre-wedding parties. You shouldn't ask them to host parties or be involved with the planning of parties (outside of setting a guest list).

Don't confront her. Let the cards fall where they may. Try to focus on your friendship, not your wedding.

debbeau · June 2016

This seems to be the pattern to your relationship and doesn't look like it is going to change. I would just let go and see what happens.

Knottie1451322605 · June 2016

I guess my feelings were just hurt, that's all.
Thanks for the advice. I'm just going to ride it out and see what happens.

ei34 · June 2016

Yeah, there definitely could've been an abridged version at the bottom saying: "my on again off again friend from high school is my MOH, and she's ticking me off".
If she's stressing you out, I'd back off completely. She's bought a dress in the color and material you requested, her next (and final) duty as MOH is to show up in her dress on your wedding day and stand at your side through the ceremony. The extra help you're upset about not getting isn't required. I'd limit contact with her.

missfrodo · June 2016

eileenrob said:

Yeah, there definitely could've been an abridged version at the bottom saying: "my on again off again friend from high school is my MOH, and she's ticking me off".
If she's stressing you out, I'd back off completely. She's bought a dress in the color and material you requested, her next (and final) duty as MOH is to show up in her dress on your wedding day and stand at your side through the ceremony. The extra help you're upset about not getting isn't required. I'd limit contact with her.

I agree. The TL;DR is that you have an old friend as your MOH who has always been flaky and hasn't put the effort into your friendship that you have. Now she's being flaky again. If she shows up in the dress on the day of the wedding, she's your MOH. If she doesn't, then she's not. Don't sweat about pre-wedding parties or any of that; let the people who have offered to host/help with things do what they want, and let MOH flake on you, since that's what she does. After the wedding, if she's still giving you radio silence, you can decide if you want to keep trying to keep your "friendship" alive or let it die, since that's what your friend seems to be doing.

JediElizabeth · June 2016

Aside from the maid of honor part...is this woman adding anything positive to your life? Currently, I mean, not when you were 15.

I know you were pissed when you wrote this, so it's biased, but think about that question when you're not mad. The answer to that question will probably tell you if you should fade out of her life or not after your wedding.

glasgowtolondon · June 2016

TL;DR: Friend behaves the way friend always behaves, only this time there is a wedding.

MCmeow · June 2016

eileenrob said:

Yeah, there definitely could've been an abridged version at the bottom saying: "my on again off again friend from high school is my MOH, and she's ticking me off".
If she's stressing you out, I'd back off completely. She's bought a dress in the color and material you requested, her next (and final) duty as MOH is to show up in her dress on your wedding day and stand at your side through the ceremony. The extra help you're upset about not getting isn't required. I'd limit contact with her.

She said her MOH didn't get a dress in the same color or material. So that sucks. But yeah they shouldn't have duties but it seems silly that the MOH is jealous that others have duties while she doesn't. The OP complaining about her being jealous seems fair but not that she isn't helping, because she doesn't need to. I think this MOH is adding unnecessary stress and OP should either be 100% honest with her or reduce contact. I know you want this friendship to be the way it used to be but she is proving she has a pattern.

AddieCake · June 2016

The only thing I would confront her about is getting the wrong color dress.

Jen4948 · June 2016

Honestly, with this woman's lifelong pattern of getting jealous and distancing herself from you whenever she's not the number 1 person in your life, and her forcing you to initiate all interactions between you when things are going well, your "friendship" with her isn't a healthy relationship that I would want to keep going.

Since you did ask her to be your MOH, you are stuck. But the only "responsibilities" she has as such are to acquire the dress you designate, show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, process and recess down the aisle on cue, and pose for some photos, and if she won't do even that much then she's taken herself out of your wedding party and you can discontinue the friendship after the wedding. So you can inform her that she needs to get the right color dress.

As for her jealousy, again, you can tell her that it's hurting your friendship, but I wouldn't expect anything to change along those lines and I wouldn't mention your wedding in that context.

Knottie1451322605 · June 2016

Thanks for all the advice. I talked to my fiance about everything and he made some valid points. He said I can either be mad and upset and let it get to me or I can just let it go. Either be mad or don't be mad.
So I'm just going to see how it goes. I'm still going to invite her to any activities myself and the other BMs plan just because I think that's the right thing to do. I don't want to exclude her from anything but I'm just not going to let it bother me anymore if she has no interest. Like many of you have said, she is not required to do anything but show up on the big day. I guess I was just hurt that she is not more involved and got the wrong dress. But I'm not going to make a stink out of it with her.

Thanks for the advice. It was nice to hear it from some one else's perspective.

SP29 · June 2016

Yes, you can still invite her to things to include her. But she has no responsibility except to show up the day of in the agreed upon dress (I see that didn't exactly work out- but I'd let it go- it's just a dress).

If she complains about being replaced and the BMs taking away her "role" you can let her know the above, "Friend, I asked you to be my MOH because I want to honour you and our friendship. You are not required to do any additional duties. BMs have offered to help out and plan these events on their own, so I've accepted".

Weddings don't change people, if anything, they make flaws worse. Decide after the wedding if this is a person you really want in your life.

MobKaz · June 2016

Knottie1451322605, it is considered poor etiquette to delete a post. As you can see, once your post is quoted, it remains a part of the thread.

You were given good advice and suggestions. You seemed relieved by the advice and happy to see other viewpoints.

Your thread also helps lurkers who may have a similar situation.

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