Vow Renewal/Wedding Reception?

carrie lea · July 2016

So, I want to host a Vow Renewal/WEDDING Reception. It's a long story, but my wedding was on Friday 4/8/16. The Wednesday before, I went into the hospital- I was suffering from a Kidney infection, a kidney stone, and was going into kidney failure as a result. My wedding was already paid for- EVERYTHING. I cancelled everything on Thursday since I was going to go into surgery Thursday night/Friday morning. I got out Friday afternoon, and our families surprised us with a backyard ceremony- it was beautiful- and a summer dress for me to wear. (I was so swollen from the kidney failure that I couldn't fit in my dress) So we got married! We got to keep our date because our families came together to make this happen for us.

I tried to sell our wedding, but it kept falling through. So we decided that since we already paid for it, we would use it. We intend on having a vow renewal ceremony and our long overdue wedding reception afterwards. I intend on wearing the wedding dress that I purchased, because I cried in it when I first tried it on. We don't intend on getting presents, or anything of the like. Just a big party, and I'm making light of everything in the invites and pretty much cracking jokes about the first one falling through, etc. We're doing it on our one year anniversary.

My mother in law is especially excited because she never got to dance with her son, and he's her only son and youngest child. I'm so excited for this! During our wedding I was in such physical discomfort.

kaos16 · July 2016

carrie lea said:

So, I want to host a Vow Renewal/WEDDING Reception. It's a long story, but my wedding was on Friday 4/8/16. The Wednesday before, I went into the hospital- I was suffering from a Kidney infection, a kidney stone, and was going into kidney failure as a result. My wedding was already paid for- EVERYTHING. I cancelled everything on Thursday since I was going to go into surgery Thursday night/Friday morning. I got out Friday afternoon, and our families surprised us with a backyard ceremony- it was beautiful- and a summer dress for me to wear. (I was so swollen from the kidney failure that I couldn't fit in my dress) So we got married! We got to keep our date because our families came together to make this happen for us.

I tried to sell our wedding, but it kept falling through. So we decided that since we already paid for it, we would use it. We intend on having a vow renewal ceremony and our long overdue wedding reception afterwards. I intend on wearing the wedding dress that I purchased, because I cried in it when I first tried it on. We don't intend on getting presents, or anything of the like. Just a big party, and I'm making light of everything in the invites and pretty much cracking jokes about the first one falling through, etc. We're doing it on our one year anniversary.

My mother in law is especially excited because she never got to dance with her son, and he's her only son and youngest child. I'm so excited for this! During our wedding I was in such physical discomfort.

First, I hope you are all healed up and feeling better.

Second, you already had your wedding. Your backyard ceremony was it. I'm sure it was lovely and special and wonderful!

Having a vow renewal this soon after getting married seems strange. A wedding reception is to thank the guests that attended your ceremony.....that's done too. I would recommend just having a kick ass party and call it a day, no trappings of a wedding (although maybe putting out a wedding photo or two would be nice) That means no pre-wedding parties, no spotlight dances, cake feeding, etc.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

Wow, I hope you're feeling better and have recovered from surgery!

I agree that a vow renewal this soon is a little odd. You just said your vows, what has happened in the year that you need to say them again?

But I think a kick ass celebration of marriage party or anniversary party is great. Have tons of great food, have tasty cake, dance with your loved ones, wear your dress (there may be some differing opinions on this but I say if it was bought and paid for and you never wore it, I wouldn't side eye it), but to have a renewal just makes it seem like either 1) there was a need for a renewal (cheating, breaking vows, separation) or 2) you want a reenactment for presents/attention/whatever.

I would happily attend an anniversary or celebration of marriage party a year later for friends that had to change plans at the last minute, but if it was a full on renewal with the church and vows and whole nine yards I'd definitely be side-eyeing it way more than a party.

AddieCake · July 2016

I'd be totally ok with this, but I'm in the minority on vow renewals around here.

carrie lea · July 2016

I agree that it's a bit strange having a vow renewal so soon, but we paid for the ceremony and they won't give us our money back ☹️

carrie lea · July 2016

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I've seen some people get downright rude over it and accusing women of having a pretty princess day- or whatever it's called! Lol

carrie lea · July 2016

I don't mind not having a first dance, but my MIL is really hoping to have a first dance with her son. When I tried to sell the wedding, she was actually kinda heartbroken.

kaos16 · July 2016

carrie lea said:

I agree that it's a bit strange having a vow renewal so soon, but we paid for the ceremony and they won't give us our money back ☹️

How much did the ceremony aspect of it cost?

carrie lea · July 2016

And, I have no intention of having any pre wedding parties( my kick ass MOH did those for me and they were fantastic), no attendants, no gifts, the only thing I want is my wedding dress and a kickass party for my friends and family.

kaos16 · July 2016

carrie lea said:

And, I have no intention of having any pre wedding parties( my kick ass MOH did those for me and they were fantastic), no attendants, no gifts, the only thing I want is my wedding dress and a kickass party for my friends and family.

so that's a party in a white dress. . . . not a vow renewal or a wedding reception. Perfect!

carrie lea · July 2016

And the other reason we want to do a vow renewal is we never got to read the vows we wrote- since everything was planned and out of our control

flantastic · July 2016

carrie lea said:

And the other reason we want to do a vow renewal is we never got to read the vows we wrote- since everything was planned and out of our control

Sure, but - could you not say, "Hey, we wrote our vows, we'd like to say those" at the backyard ceremony? Were they not in the building?

I think you need to let go of the ceremony aspect - your wedding was your wedding, it was a lovely gesture, you're married. Just because your cost is sunk doesn't mean you have to have another ceremony (that's a common fallacy) and there's no reason to have the guests sit through your vows when you've been married a year. Just have the party. But the party sounds great.

carrie lea · July 2016

Idk, we're calling it a wedding reception. I am seriously considering nixing the ceremony, though. And our vows were not with us.

carrie lea · July 2016

As for the ceremony cost- I don't exactly remember- we did a package deal with the venue. I think it was between 800-1000

CMGragain · July 2016

You can certainly have a big party to celebrate your recent marriage. Nothing wrong with that! You can read your vows in front of your guests, but not as wedding vows or vow renewal vows. Just as "These would have been our vows if things had not fallen through.
Having the party is fine. It is the vow renewal that will bother some people.
The dress is controversial. It will not be your wedding day.
This is an excellent example of why it is usually a bad idea to "surprise" someone with a wedding. You were in an awkward position, and you could have said no. You chose to go ahead and get married, even though this was not in your plans at that time. You are now married, and a vow renewal is not a second chance at the wedding your didn't get to have.

http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette-2/

charlotte989875 · July 2016

carrie lea said:

Idk, we're calling it a wedding reception. I am seriously considering nixing the ceremony, though. And our vows were not with us.

I'd nix the ceremony, but I would find a time when it's just you and your husband to say the vows you wrote to each other. A weekend away, a special evening, even right before the party when it's just the two of you (or if the photographer is there early). You don't need your guests there for that, and IMO it's more meaningful it's it's just the two of you.

I also recommend not calling it a wedding reception, people already know you're married right? Call it a celebration of marriage or an anniversary party. Less confusion, people know what they're attending. If you invite people to a "wedding reception" for a wedding they weren't invited to, it's confusing.

CMGragain · July 2016

The pleasure of your company is requested

to celebrate the recent marriage of

Minnie Mouse

and

Mickey Mouse

Date

at time o'clock

Venue

Address

City, State

carrie lea · July 2016

I guess I just don't see what the big deal is to have a wedding reception after the fact; it seems like lots of people do it. These are all people who went to our wedding or cancelled their flights last minute because the wedding was off.

CMGragain · July 2016

carrie lea said:

I guess I just don't see what the big deal is to have a wedding reception after the fact; it seems like lots of people do it. These are all people who went to our wedding or cancelled their flights last minute because the wedding was off.

A wedding reception is a "thank you for coming" party for your guests, held the day of your ceremony. Anything else is not a part of your wedding, since it will not be your wedding day, and you are no longer a bride and groom, but a married couple. You can still party, dance, and have a wonderful time celebrating.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

carrie lea said:

I guess I just don't see what the big deal is to have a wedding reception after the fact; it seems like lots of people do it. These are all people who went to our wedding or cancelled their flights last minute because the wedding was off.

If I got an invitation to a wedding reception, without an actual wedding, I'd think that I wasn't invited to the actual ceremony. I'd think you were only inviting me to the party and to me that's gift grabby. Even though most people probably know you already had a wedding at a separate time, it's confusing. I would assume you were having a "wedding" on the same day, but not inviting me to it.

However celebration of marriage, vow renewal, or party tells me I'm invited to the entire event, and it accurately describes the type of event being held. No confusion for your guests about what to expect. A COM party or VR can still be every bit as fancy, elaborate, festive as a reception would have been; it can involve gowns and cocktail hours and great food, the only difference is, is that you're accurately telling your guests what kind of event they are attending.

Knottie1468375954 · July 2016

I'm sorry, all you people are wrong.

1) She had EMERGENCY surgery. That in and of itself throws everything off kilter. A wedding planned in 6 hours, you don't have time to remember your written vows (possibly left at home), family members requesting props from neighborhood HOAs, and freaking a brother in law taking the "wedding photos" where EVERY photo walking down the aisle is of people looking at the ground - with no rehearsal. And you INCORRECTLY assume she wasn't doped up on pain meds!!!

2) The reception is the MOST expensive part of the wedding. If you think being invited to a wedding reception after the fact is "gift grabbing" then you're assuming "ill intent" and need to rethink your friendships. Nobody invites someone for a $50-$100 gift per couple to a $50/person plate reception +open bar. You're out of your mind or not budget conscience.

3) And who cares if they want to read their vows?! Does it impact your vows? What if they want to preserve the vows that they wrote on video - when a videographer wasn't available on 6 hour notice - for their future children?!

4) And what about those relatives from out of town who cancelled their flights with the promise of a wedding at a later date? And then plans changed and an impromptu wedding was thrown instead? They WANTED to be there. Maybe they want to see the vows...AND bring a gift.

You all sound like you're jealous that you don't get a second party. This EMERGENCY surgery isn't without cost...medical bills, lost wages from time off work, plus the cost of the wedding...including for those family members who spent money on throwing the impromptu wedding.

Carrie lea - do whatever you want. Rational people and those you love - and chose to invite - will support you. And they're the only ones who matter.

MairePoppy · July 2016

I'm with Addie. As long as you're honest with your guests, I see nothing wrong with what you're planning, including reciting your vows, wedding dress, toasts and wedding cake.

Use CMGragain's wording for the invitations, so guests understand that you are married.

Congratulations on your marriage and best wishes for continued good health.

geebee908 · July 2016

Knottie1468375954 said:

I'm sorry, all you people are wrong.

1) She had EMERGENCY surgery. That in and of itself throws everything off kilter. A wedding planned in 6 hours, you don't have time to remember your written vows (possibly left at home), family members requesting props from neighborhood HOAs, and freaking a brother in law taking the "wedding photos" where EVERY photo walking down the aisle is of people looking at the ground - with no rehearsal. And you INCORRECTLY assume she wasn't doped up on pain meds!!!

2) The reception is the MOST expensive part of the wedding. If you think being invited to a wedding reception after the fact is "gift grabbing" then you're assuming "ill intent" and need to rethink your friendships. Nobody invites someone for a $50-$100 gift per couple to a $50/person plate reception +open bar. You're out of your mind or not budget conscience.

3) And who cares if they want to read their vows?! Does it impact your vows? What if they want to preserve the vows that they wrote on video - when a videographer wasn't available on 6 hour notice - for their future children?!

4) And what about those relatives from out of town who cancelled their flights with the promise of a wedding at a later date? And then plans changed and an impromptu wedding was thrown instead? They WANTED to be there. Maybe they want to see the vows...AND bring a gift.

You all sound like you're jealous that you don't get a second party. This EMERGENCY surgery isn't without cost...medical bills, lost wages from time off work, plus the cost of the wedding...including for those family members who spent money on throwing the impromptu wedding.

Carrie lea - do whatever you want. Rational people and those you love - and chose to invite - will support you. And they're the only ones who matter.

This has to be the OP as an AE. She's included details the OP didn't share with us. Good job telling yourself to do whatever you want.

CMGragain · July 2016

Knottie1468375954 said:

I'm sorry, all you people are wrong.

1) She had EMERGENCY surgery. That in and of itself throws everything off kilter. A wedding planned in 6 hours, you don't have time to remember your written vows (possibly left at home), family members requesting props from neighborhood HOAs, and freaking a brother in law taking the "wedding photos" where EVERY photo walking down the aisle is of people looking at the ground - with no rehearsal. And you INCORRECTLY assume she wasn't doped up on pain meds!!!

Um..where did you get this information?

2) The reception is the MOST expensive part of the wedding. If you think being invited to a wedding reception after the fact is "gift grabbing" then you're assuming "ill intent" and need to rethink your friendships. Nobody invites someone for a $50-$100 gift per couple to a $50/person plate reception +open bar. You're out of your mind or not budget conscience.

3) And who cares if they want to read their vows?! Does it impact your vows? What if they want to preserve the vows that they wrote on video - when a videographer wasn't available on 6 hour notice - for their future children?!

4) And what about those relatives from out of town who cancelled their flights with the promise of a wedding at a later date? And then plans changed and an impromptu wedding was thrown instead? They WANTED to be there. Maybe they want to see the vows...AND bring a gift.

You all sound like you're jealous that you don't get a second party. This EMERGENCY surgery isn't without cost...medical bills, lost wages from time off work, plus the cost of the wedding...including for those family members who spent money on throwing the impromptu wedding.

Carrie lea - do whatever you want. Rational people and those you love - and chose to invite - will support you. And they're the only ones who matter.

We have a regular member here on TK who's FI was terribly injured in a traffic accident before the wedding. She completely revised her wedding plans and they were married in the hospital. She has no plans to re-do her wedding.

I am sorry that this happened to you, OP, but no excuse. You decided to go through with your marriage. Now you need to own that decision. No re-do. Party to celebrate is fine.

carrie lea · July 2016

geebee908 said:

Knottie1468375954 said:

I'm sorry, all you people are wrong.

1) She had EMERGENCY surgery. That in and of itself throws everything off kilter. A wedding planned in 6 hours, you don't have time to remember your written vows (possibly left at home), family members requesting props from neighborhood HOAs, and freaking a brother in law taking the "wedding photos" where EVERY photo walking down the aisle is of people looking at the ground - with no rehearsal. And you INCORRECTLY assume she wasn't doped up on pain meds!!!

2) The reception is the MOST expensive part of the wedding. If you think being invited to a wedding reception after the fact is "gift grabbing" then you're assuming "ill intent" and need to rethink your friendships. Nobody invites someone for a $50-$100 gift per couple to a $50/person plate reception +open bar. You're out of your mind or not budget conscience.

3) And who cares if they want to read their vows?! Does it impact your vows? What if they want to preserve the vows that they wrote on video - when a videographer wasn't available on 6 hour notice - for their future children?!

4) And what about those relatives from out of town who cancelled their flights with the promise of a wedding at a later date? And then plans changed and an impromptu wedding was thrown instead? They WANTED to be there. Maybe they want to see the vows...AND bring a gift.

You all sound like you're jealous that you don't get a second party. This EMERGENCY surgery isn't without cost...medical bills, lost wages from time off work, plus the cost of the wedding...including for those family members who spent money on throwing the impromptu wedding.

Carrie lea - do whatever you want. Rational people and those you love - and chose to invite - will support you. And they're the only ones who matter.

This has to be the OP as an AE. She's included details the OP didn't share with us. Good job telling yourself to do whatever you want.

Thanks for assuming I'm a troll incapable of listening. As much as I think you're a bunch of self entitled catty women, I actually think you brought up some good points and am planning on utilizing them. THIS.IS.NOT.ME.

carrie lea · July 2016

I have no intention of a redo!!! I'm throwing an anniversary party with a renewal of my vows. Just because I intend on wearing the damn dress that I paid an exorbant amount of money for, for me anyway, doesn't mean I'm trying to do a redo. I even tried to sell the wedding because the ceremony that our families threw for us was perfect. Sheesh, give people anonymity and a platform and they turn into the worst kind of people.

OliveOilsMom · July 2016

That took a turn for the crazy with either OP or her H coming in to defend her. There was way too many details suddenly appearing to NOT think it was someone OP knows!

Count me with Addie and Marie. Based on the circumstances around the original wedding, I wouldn't really bat an eye about this. Would I have it prioritized as high as an actual wedding, no. But if I were free and wanted to attend, I would go. I also wouldn't really side-eye the vow renewal too much. I also don't think OP should have many traditional "wedding reception" events, like the bouquet/garter toss, spotlight dances, etc.

I would probably only wear the gown for a portion of the reception, then change into something else. Do not have your father escort you down the aisle, you are already a wife - walk in wit your H. The mother/son dance should not be a true spotlight dance. Perhaps begin a dance with your H solo, but quickly open the dance floor to all others.

As for the ceremony, if you don't want to have it, see if the venue will take that money and put it towards food and drink. You have to spend it, your venue shouldn't care how you do it.

Lastly, use the quote button instead of the reply. The reply button doesn't work like its supposed to, so we have no idea who you are directly responding to.

Knottie1468375954 · July 2016

And for the record, I was there. That's how I have "insider trading information". I was there at the hospital. I know the drugs she was on. I was there to help organize the impromptu wedding. I called my officiant in the 11th hour for them to use when they didn't have anyone.
And I'm not a jealous person and want Carrie Lea and her husband to have the wedding that THEY want...not what etiquette dictates. Say whatever you want, I'm done here. I hope you people take a good hard look at how cruel and judgmental you're being.

carrie lea · July 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

That took a turn for the crazy with either OP or her H coming in to defend her. There was way too many details suddenly appearing to NOT think it was someone OP knows!
Count me with Addie and Marie. Based on the circumstances around the original wedding, I wouldn't really bat an eye about this. Would I have it prioritized as high as an actual wedding, no. But if I were free and wanted to attend, I would go. I also wouldn't really side-eye the vow renewal too much. I also don't think OP should have many traditional "wedding reception" events, like the bouquet/garter toss, spotlight dances, etc.
I would probably only wear the gown for a portion of the reception, then change into something else. Do not have your father escort you down the aisle, you are already a wife - walk in wit your H. The mother/son dance should not be a true spotlight dance. Perhaps begin a dance with your H solo, but quickly open the dance floor to all others.
As for the ceremony, if you don't want to have it, see if the venue will take that money and put it towards food and drink. You have to spend it, your venue shouldn't care how you do it.
Lastly, use the quote button instead of the reply. The reply button doesn't work like its supposed to, so we have no idea who you are directly responding to.

Thank you, sorry. I don't really know how to work everything on here, clearly. I just got very defensive when people started saying that I was posting in disguise. I agree with everything that you said, the only thing is we will be having a dance for my husband and his mom, because she really wants it. But I don't intend on doing anything else like a wedding, no garter, no boquet, etc. I will check with the venue as far as the ceremony costs. I don't think they will allow it because they paid the vendors already, that was part of the problem- none of the vendors wanted to refund even part of our money.

Knottie1468375954 · July 2016

The reply applied to everyone. The shortsightedness knows no bounds here...and keep guessing. I'm not the hubby. This is fun!!! Who else could possibly know details and would have attended a wedding and want *gasp* nothing but the couple's happiness?!?! Hmmmmmmm.....

geebee908 · July 2016

People posting in disguise is not unusual here when someone gets butthurt. Your friend would have served you better by saying that they were a friend who attended the impromptu wedding and stating the details than going off on a tear on your behalf.

I don't mind the celebration party, but I'm with others that it shouldn't be called a wedding reception because it isn't that; you had that when you had the impromptu wedding. Words mean things and you can stave off more confusion if you call things what they actually are. Are you open to that?

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