Pre-wedding Parties

More Shower Questions *sigh*

CaitFinsCaitFins
25 Love Its Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
member
edited June 2016 in Pre-wedding Parties
Ah, the never-ending questions that come with planning so much in so little time... I thank everyone who has answered any of my many questions. I actually have more that I just find the answers to by searching!

That being said, I have taken the advice to just accept my MOH's desire to throw a bridal shower. And more questions arise.

1) Who, if anyone, do/did you consult before firmly agreeing to a date for a bridal shower?

My MOH asked if there was anyone I wanted to consult about it, and my instinct was to ask my mother-in-law, as she adores me and was happily going on about a like-relative my age's shower she went to to me, so I thought I should ask. Now it's been a few days and I haven't had the opportunity, and it occurred to me that maybe it is more weird and gift-grabby to confirm that the date for a shower is currently available in her schedule. I had told my fiance to ask her for me, and now I'm thinking if I ask at all, maybe I should just send a casual quick text? Or should I just go ahead and tell my MOH the date is fine, and if it works for my MIL it does, if it doesn't too bad? The bridal shower would be in six weeks.

2) I'm really not sure the host realizes I'm supposed to open gifts at the shower, surprisingly. Should I mention to her that I'm supposed to if she's not planning it?

I don't want to do her planning for her. She said, "You can tell people they don't have to bring gifts if they don't want to, or say, 'no gifts,'" but she is calling it a shower. Should I leave it at "I'm supposed to open gifts," or should I help her out by suggesting she call it something else (specifically) or tell her about the games I've heard of to play during gift opening so it's more in line with what she's thinking? She wants to play bridal shower-style games, have decor, and serve some cake balls and maybe a few other cheap foods, but she doesn't want to do a meal. What would you call that if not a shower?


Bonus Question: So... Has anyone dealt with the bride paying for all or parts of the shower? I really was not expecting a shower in the sense of really even caring to have a shower, and I certainly didn't expect her to throw me one. Now she's done all this planning and she insisted I come over to tell me her ideas and we went over them, and near the end she implied that I would be paying for the paper invitations and said, "I don't mind covering the $75 for [the venue she chose]."

My mind was just, "Ohhhh.."
Which, props to her for covering even $75 for a shower. I would have just gone with a house. She didn't ask me about maybe just using a house. We could have used the house I live in probably, it definitely wouldn't have been convenient or ideal, but it would have been free. So yes, for her, a TON more than $75 would be a significant amount, I concur. I just didn't realize a bride would pay for a shower. ? My FI and I really don't have all of the likely costs for our wedding covered right now, so I really doubt I have the finances for putting money into other things in general.
How much more could I be expecting to potentially pay for? Approximately 15, 20 guests max. I could break it down more if needed. She said we would go shopping for decor. I'm hoping either way I can keep saying things like, "We really don't need that much decor," "this really isn't a big deal," "we don't need stuff..." and try and swallow whatever ends up happening. I have no idea how to go about handling this. I really appreciate what she's doing, and I want to help where I can, but... yeah.  :/


ETA: She's also wanting to host a "bride-to-be" party of sorts for me since I'm refusing a bachelorette party, but she has not decided on details yet. Do you think I should clarify beforehand somehow that I'd rather not pay for things with this? Thusfar she has told me that she plans to go and buy things for it and didn't request that I pay for them. I'm not really following her train of thought.
I was planning to host a fun, (very inexpensive) bridesmaids' evening at home in lieu of a bachelorette party myself (and invite them to incorporate any bachelorette-style things into that evening if they felt compelled to), so I can't say I wasn't planning to pay for any pre-wedding party, but it's a hard pill to swallow with not even planning it myself and making the cheapest choices that way. 




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Re: More Shower Questions *sigh*

  • I only confirmed dates with my own Mom as she was the most important person from the guest list.

    This sounds like a tricky situation and most likely, I would just backpedal and decline the shower. "Gosh MOH. It is sounding like this is turning out to be a lot of money and effort that you are spending on this shower. I had really only thought of something very simple and cheap. I'm wondering if we could just stop the planning and instead just you and me go out for a nice dinner together." Showers are not required and I have a feeling that this shower is going to get more complicated before it gets going.

    I ended up declining the first shower I was offered because the host wasn't even attending my wedding. It was complicated but I ended up taking the would be host to lunch and that seemed to be the best option where feelings were taken into consideration. A friend who was invited to the wedding ended up offering to host a small and simple shower and I did accept that party and I think things turned out okay.

    ILoveBeachMusicSP29db1984levioosa
  • SP29SP29
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    No you should not be paying for any portion of the shower, nor going with MOH to buy decorations. The only thing you should be involved with is helping to set a date (it would not be weird for you to ask your FMIL or any other VIP, "Does this date work for you?") and providing a list of guest to the host, in accordance with the number she can accommodate.

    I agree that I would likely decline this shower. I like @ernursej 's wording. Sounds like there are unclear expectations on both sides (you don't want her telling you after the fact that you her $X for the shower), and MOH is perhaps taking on more than she is able to host. The host needs a venue (wherever that may be), invitations of some sort (could be from the dollar store) and appropriate food and drink for the time of day. All of that should come before decorations are even thought about. If she can't cover the above, she shouldn't be offering to host (which is fine).

    Now perhaps she feels obligated to host the shower because she is the MOH, or she feels she must rent a venue, and it's all too much. Either way, I'd start with what ernursej said, "This sounds too much. I was thinking of something much more simple...." and perhaps she'll say, "Phew! I'd be happy to host something at my house with a smaller guest list!". If not, I'd stick with declining. Tell her you are thankful that she even offered in the first place, but that it sounds like it has become too much effort, money and stress, and that you are unable to contribute any money towards it.
    OliveOilsMomMairePoppyAddieCake
  • 1) Dates should be confirmed with VIPs - like moms, BMs...

    2) I would. "Opening gifts is the best part and will give me a chance to thank people in person for their presents. I'd really like to be able to do that so let's make sure we work this in somehow."

    Bonus question: No. Brides should not pay for any part of the shower. That would make you a co-host and it's tacky to host your own shower because it's considered asking for gifts. Your intentions are good, but it looks bad, KWIM?

    I'm with everyone else. This sounds like it's getting more cluster-fucky as it goes along. You might just find a genial way to decline and call it a day.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I agree with the PPs.

    You shouldn't be hosting your own shower and thus shouldn't be paying for it.

    It sounds like either your MOH isn't aware of this or feels that she should throw you a shower but can't handle the financial or other planning aspects.  I like @ernursej's suggestion on how to respond to her.
    ernursej
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