Wedding Etiquette Forum

Do I cancel my bridal shower/ Bachelorette party because my Mother in Law is dying?

I havent been able to ask my Fiance or MOH this, my mother in law was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 3 years ago. We got engaged November 2016, in May 2016 we were told she was no longer responding to treatment. She was slowly doing worse and worse until last week. She is now receiving home hospice care, has stopped talking and eating, her nurse said she may be like this for a few days or weeks before she passes. Im not sure what I am supposed to do, my shower/ bachelorette party is the 23rd and I know my MOH planned overnight stays that are non refundable, and friends used vacation days to go. Is it wrong that I dont want to cancel? The past few months were supposed to be exciting for us but its been awful seeing her suffer like this. We didnt have an engagement party because she wasnt able to travel and I've already canceled our engagement photos which we were supposed to have the day after she stopped responding. I just want to be happy for a little, Please advise

Answers

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    I think you should wait and see. It's a long time between now and November 23rd. I'm sorry you're going through this; vibes that her time left is as painless as possible.

    ETA: I totally misread the dates. Sorry. Still wait and see like Charlotte said, though.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • londinium215londinium215 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited July 2016
    The sad fact is that you can't make her well by cancelling your party.
    Two weeks before my wedding, my father's doctors informed him he had 4 brain tumours; he had brain surgery that week and again the week before my wedding. I was going to cancel everything and fly out to be there, but before he went in for surgery he was very clear in his instructions that I don't cancel anything and move forward as planned - after all, my being there wouldn't change the outcome. 

    About 20 years ago, my grandmother died the day before my brother's bar mitzvah. My aunt didn't even tell us because earlier that week my grandmother had told her that, if she died before it, she didn't want to bring down the day and my aunt should hold off telling us. 

    I think it's important to ask yourself, and ask your fiance: would she want you to cancel anything for her? Or would she want you to go ahead? Either way, it's a tough choice and one I'm sorry you're facing. 

    Also, I'm realising my family doesn't have the best luck around big life events. Wow. 
  • OP, I agree with PPs that if you want to still have the parties, you should.

    My sister and I have football season tickets. When my mom was dying of cancer, she declined right at the beginning of the season. My sister and I went back and forth trying to decide if we were going to go the first game. At that point, mom couldn't say much but we knew she'd want us to go. I had zero fun and was super focused on my phone just in case, but we went. She died the next morning. I choose to believe that she wanted us to go and she waited.

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  • I'd go ahead with your parties. This should be a fun time in your life and the fact that you have fun and enjoy your life doesn't mean that you're being disrespectful of her situation. 
  • I'm very sorry about your FMIL. That's truly sad.

    But I agree that barring any actual situation that requires that you cancel the parties, you should go ahead with them. Having happy occasions helps you to stay balanced when a loved one is very sick for an indefinite period of time.

  • Self care is important, especially when it involves a terminal loved one.


     
    They taught me that you can be heartbroken but that doesn't mean joy has left the world. 
    I think that @kimmiinthemitten and @SaintPaulGal have hit the nail on the head completely.

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's such a difficult situation. From someone who has lost a parent and close family members it's so easy to get wrapped up in what you think you should do and how you think you should feel. There is no wrong way to feel or grieve and it's so important to look after yourself, you need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    So sorry to hear about your FMIL.

    I agree that unless there is a reason why you need to be available on the 23rd, I would carry on with what you have planned.
  • @levioosa that is actually a wonderful point about checking with the FI. When my dad was dying I'm sure I would have been pissed if my SO left for a party while I was suffering. Of course, I would have told him to go anyway and then just let the anger fester which is something I'm trying very hard not to do in my current relationship.
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