Fiance vs. Friend Issues (seriously need advice)

Re: Fiance vs. Friend Issues (seriously need advice)

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  tigerlily6 member

  

  July 2016

  LondonLisa said:

  Six months of free rent and she can't just tolerate/ignore someone who isn't crazy/creepy/steals but just rubs her the wrong way?! If it was so bad, she could have gotten a job and moved out at any point, but instead decided to bring drama and tensions into your house. She is a freeloader.
  
  I'm team fiancé- your friend was given a great situation (rent free living!) and instead of just ignoring personality clashes, she felt a need to complain.
  
  Because you mentioned an abusive household, I wonder if she has issues with anger/ guilt/ thinking everyone is out to get her. Her reactions are waaaay over the top. Almost like she was projecting her anger from her family in your fi with the "invalidating feelings" and as if she is self-sabotaging. 
   . . . 
  
  SITB
  
  I agree 110% with @LondonLisa's analysis in the bold there. I also wonder if her abuse stems largely from a particular person in her family, perhaps a dad? One of my very close friends was abused by her dad, and was in my WP. I was hoping her and DH (then FI) would hit it off better but they didn't -- nothing explosive like your story, but there was a general awkward sense of tip toeing in all their interactions. Your friend and FI sound a lot like mine -- he's very logical, blunt and doesn't shy away from wading into deep or hot topics. She also dives into the thick of things, but navigates them through emotions. Those two personalities don't always combine so well, do they?
  
  Honestly, I don't think she is very comfortable with men who take assertive stances on anything, because her father was overly domineering. For example, both my DH and I are pretty "traditional" people overall -- I took his last name, and we both recently found ourselves coming back to Christianity, and try to practice our faith seriously. I think my friend worries that he's MAKING me be that way (she was seriously offended and objected when I told her I was changing my last name) when in reality he isn't at all. I am a grown woman who shares the same values as my DH, which is why I love him and married him to begin with. 
  
  For her, I think, though, she's both worried about me, and also feeling subconsciously competitive -- she hasn't had a supportive family, and now my attention and affection are being directed to another person.  I think her feelings this way are completely understandable, given her background. But I do agree with PPs, that you have to stand beside your FI in this. Give her time and space to cool off. Don't necessarily cut off all ties or anything, but step back from it all for a bit. Don't enable the drama by pouring all your emotions into this, it will only make it worse. 
  
  And definitely DO NOT KICK HER OUT OF YOUR WP. She may come around. Sounds like she's at a hectic point in her life, enhancing her already-natural tendencies of volatility. Let her take some space to get her life in order a little more, and she may compose herself. She and your FI may never get along well, but they may and should be able to be decent human beings around one another for one day. He loves you, and she seems to too, so if nothing else they can suck it up for you. Beyond that? Don't hang out with both of them at the same time. 

                      
  
  
  

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  drunkenwitch member

  

  July 2016 edited July 2016

  I am born and raised in the PNW by parents from southern Minnesota. The sweeping generalizations you make are highly amusing to me.
  
  ETA: you betcha.

  

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