Best Friend Died

Knottie1452565096 · June 2016

My best friend of 15 years was diagnosed with cancer less than a month ago and passed away this week. It was quick, shocking, and brutal. Life is a nightmare, and has been the past month. I’m getting married in two weeks, and though I don’t care about it right now, too many things are in motion, it will still have to happen and I think she would be upset if it didn’t. My question: how do I still make her a part of my wedding? A lit candle seems underwhelming. Is it crass to ask for donations to her baby's college fund instead of gifts? Probably. I don’t know what to do. Nothing will make her be there, but I want to think of her and I want others to think of her and know what a huge part of my (our actually, my fiance loves her too) life she is. I'm not really sure how I'll make it through the day, but maybe I'll go into robotic auto-pilot. I thought some people might have an idea I can’t. I'm sorry, this is an enormously depressing post.

rebecca+m · June 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be very difficult, but I think you are making the right choice to not try to put your wedding on hold.
A lot of the advice I have seen on the boards, generally, is to avoid making the wedding a memorial service. Your loss is so recent that you may feel differently, but that advice made a lot of sense to us. Both my fiancé's parents are gone (the loss is much less recent that yours), and we had originally talked about a few different overt gestures, but ultimately he wanted to avoid turning the wedding into more mourning - even though of course we'll both be mourning their absence.
We cut the idea of an empty chair, a mention on the program, and family video during the family dance. The first and last are generally agreed, in the threads I've seen, to be too much. Opinion is more divided on the program mention, so you might look at other threads - try searching "memorial," "ackowdging absence," or "remembering x."
For us, private moments made more sense. We instead are having a memorial candle lit, without announcing or labeling it - we know and our officiant, his uncle, knows what it's there for; some other guests will know, others may just think it's part of the ceremony decor. We also decided to do favors of his mother's favorite iris bulbs - again, to some people this is just a favor, but her family will understand the significance. We are also considering having wedding photos of close family set around the guestbook - not an overt memorial, since many are still living, but a small gesture to specifically honor those most important to us, whether there or not.
What I want to use those as examples of is - do what is meaningful to you. Anyone who is close enough to be invited to the wedding will either already know how much your best friend meant to you or is likely to hear about this tragedy before the wedding. So in as much as you can think through this while you are in the middle of it - choose what will mean something to you. If you are religious, would a mention during the prayer break you down, or be important to you in the moment? Could you ask the florist to add her favorite flowers to your bouquets or boutonnières? Could you switch out a bracelet, earrings, or cufflinks you or your husband were going to wear for hers?
You really can't explicitly ask for money. Though I do think people would understand in the circumstances, it would still be better to just privately donate any cash gifts - and you will get them! Or spread by word of mouth that this is what cash gifts will be used for, and let people make their choice accordingly.
I don't mean this to come across the wrong way, especially in the midst of your hurt, but don't focus on trying to make your grief visible at the wedding. That was good advice for us to hear, so I hope it doesn't sound callous for you. You say she would have wanted you to still have the wedding - she would have also wanted it to still be a celebration.

artbyallie · June 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. My papaw also died about a month after his cancer diagnosis, so I understand how terrible and shocking it is. I agree that you should not make a big production about it at your wedding, however. The grief will be raw enough without putting her death front and center. You should try to be happy on your wedding day, knowing she would want you to and would be happy for you. Put a picture in your bouquet or wear a locket or something else that will remind you -- and just you -- of her.

AddieCake · June 2016

I'm very sorry for your loss. It would be wholly inappropriate to ask for donations to anything at your wedding. My suggestion is a notation in a program.

Jen4948 · June 2016

I'm very sorry for your loss. That's really sad.

In other threads, we discuss appropriate ways of "memorializing" a loved one who has passed away at one's wedding, which include wearing or carrying something belonging to or associated with the deceased, providing food, beverages, decorations, or entertainment they would have enjoyed, giving them a tribute in a wedding program, and saying appropriate prayers if your ceremony is religious.

But because your wedding is neither a fundraiser nor a memorial service for the deceased, we don't endorse lit candles, "reserved" empty seats or place settings with photo displays or flowers, or solicitations of donations from guests. (The last is not appropriate.)

SP29 · June 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the grief you must be feeling.

I agree with the others to keep the memorials to something that is memorable to you, but more private. Emotions will be on high and you never know how you or others will react to see something that is overt the day of.

A program memorial is appropriate. You are free to give any cash gifts you receive to her child's trust. I would suggest seeing if you are able to wear a piece or two of her jewelry, including her favourite flower in your bouquet, and play one of her favourite songs.

drglitter · June 2016

I agree with everyone else re: memorializing her at your wedding. A mention in the program would be appropriate, or a candle as long as you don't draw attention to it. You could carry a small photo of her on you, or in a locket, or in one of the keychain picture frames that attaches to your bouquet. You could carry her favorite flowers and play her favorite song.

You will be thinking of her on your wedding day regardless of whether you add anything specific, and she'll be a part of it because she was a part of you (and your FI).

I don't have anything to add about that that PPs haven't said.

I posted to tell you this..

My best friend died 5 weeks after a cancer diagnosis, 11 years ago this August. In those 5 weeks she talked a lot about me moving on and not putting my life on hold. I was moving several states away. I wanted to cancel all of those plans and stay home with her. I wanted to withdraw from school. She did not want any of those things. She would have kicked my ass had I cancelled all of my plans for her. She wanted me to be happy, as I'm sure your best friend wanted you to be happy.

She died on my 2nd day of medical school. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wanted to quit, to move home, and to ignore the entire world for about a year. But she'd have hated that, so I didn't.

It was hard when she wasn't there when I was having a bad day, or a good day. It was hard when she wasn't there when I graduated. It was hard when she wasn't there when I finished residency and when I moved back home and when I got engaged. It will be hard when she isn't there when I get married in October, and it will be hard when she isn't there when I have babies.

But I did/will do all of those things. Because they'd have made her happy, and that's the best way I can think of to memorialize someone.

That was a much longer rant than I intended, but, OP, you are stronger than you think, you can do this, and I promise the hurt won't last forever.

You can PM me if you want to talk.

MesmrEwe · June 2016

So sorry for your loss!!

What you're going through for feelings and such are perfectly normal! (SIL had a cousin who committed Suicide 2wks before her wedding, and we had a coworker commit Suicide about a month before ours). As PP have mentioned - avoid turning your wedding into a sudden and secondary memorial service. One question is was your friend part of the WP? If so, it wouldn't be unreasonable to have her bouquet near the "altar area".. Another idea is a picture of the two of you on your bouquet (you can pick up the pieces to make this reasonably from Michael's or JoAnn's, and even some Walmart stores that have larger sewing/craft sections have them as well... Or, if you don't have a crafty bone in your body, you can purchase them premade online.

OurWildKingdom · June 2016

I too am sorry for your loss, and I concur with PPs' ideas about how to honor your friend. I really like @MesmrEwe's ideas in particular.

downtondiva · June 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. It would not be appropriate to ask for money; if you'd like to set up a college fund or something like that for your friend's child, do it completely separate from your wedding and ask others to help another time.

I agree that a notation in your program honoring your friend would be appropriate. Other than that, I would keep everything else something more personal/private for you so you can move through any sadness you feel that day in peace and in your own way. I like a lot of PP's ideas, especially playing a favorite song or carrying her favorite flowers. These are all great ways to keep her presence with you at your wedding.

holyguacamole79 · June 2016

I also am sorry for your loss, and I think you got some great ideas from PPs.

MesmrEwe · June 2016

Also - in terms of a college fund - you may want to check with a financial advisor - you may be better off to put money into an income gaining account that when they graduate you hand them a check as a gift to use toward college expenses (all things moving out to go to school, books, tuition, etc) that wouldn't count against them when it comes to student aid..

OliveOilsMom · June 2016

I'm sorry for your loss and agree with everyone else.

FIL had passed prior to H & I even meeting, so while many years had passed prior to our wedding, we still kept our memorial of him small and understated.

We did have a bouquet of flowers to represent FIL and our grandparents, but no one knew what the bouquet of flowers meant. Just us and MIL, who was told prior to the wedding were the flowers would be. We also had a Catholic ceremony and mass, so FIL was mentioned during the normal course of mass when prayers are offered. We also had a mention of him in the program in addition to our grandparents.

Another thing that we did, which might be very tough since your loss is so recent, but H & I went and visited FIL at the cemetery a few days prior to our wedding. Since your friends' passing is so recent, this might be very painful for you. You could also go the day after your wedding and place her bouquet (assuming she was in the WP) there.

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

I'm very sorry for your loss. Sending internet hugs your way.

[Deleted User] · July 2016

I know the feeling. My beloved aunt passed away last week which at that point was two weeks away. I hope you figured it out, so sorry to hear about your loss.

drunkenwitch · July 2016

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. My best friend means everything to me and I would be devastated if I lost her. Big cyber hugs.

CMGragain · July 2016

I have stage 4 cancer, and when I die, I do NOT want my friends to make a big deal about it, especially at special family gatherings, like weddings. The last thing I would want is to have my death cast a shadow on someone's special day.
I am pre-planning a modest funeral, and that is enough.
I am so sorry you lost your dear friend. My sympathies.

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