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Choosing a MOH.

Knottie1453668196Knottie1453668196 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
in Wedding Party
I have 3 sisters, none of whom I'm particularly close with, and a best friend of 16 years who is more or less just part of the family (our families do everything together), that I would like to include in the wedding party.  I would really like to ask my best friend to be my MOH, but I feel like it would be really bad form to not ask my older sister (there's 7 years between us).
When my fiancee and I got engaged she reacted really badly, making faces and all that, and it really hurt my feelings. I also know that she doesn't really like my fiancee. On top of that, she's told me that if her and her boyfriend ever get married they would go to a beach somewhere tropical with 2 of their friends and get married.  However, even after all of this she still expects me to ask her to be my MOH!
My mother thinks I should just chose my sister and suck it up, but I'm not so sure, and I really don't know what to do.
Any advice, or anecdotes, or suggestions would be very helpful.
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Re: Choosing a MOH.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Chose the person you want to be your MOH. Don't chose someone out of guilt or feelings of requirement. If she's causing drama now, imagine how much worse it'll be if she's actually part of your wedding party. Your wedding party should be a reflection of your actual relationship with the person, not the type of relationship you (or your mom) wishes you had. 
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    100yroldblinddog100yroldblinddog member
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    While I get the desire to keep the peace with the family and have your older sister by your side as your MOH, it won't end up changing your relationship with her for the better. Her current behavior is already an indicator of how she'll act as your wedding gets closer, and you'd be much happier surrounded by supportive people. (In fact, with some lurking you'll find plenty of other women who have been swayed to select family to be part of the WP and have ended up miserable.)

    Remind your mom that you're an adult and that the WP is not up for discussion. If you say anything less definitive, you'll get the hard sell and might end up caving. Good luck!

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    Knottie1453668196Knottie1453668196 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    If I were to ask my best friend instead of my sister, any advice on how to have that conversation with her? I don't want to unnecessarily hurt her feelings or make it uncomfortable. 
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    100yroldblinddog100yroldblinddog member
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    I have no doubt that the masses of ladies who frequent these boards would have a more dignified way of addressing it, but I would probably only say something to your sister when the need arises (in the same vein as not confronting someone just to tell them that they're not invited to the wedding or something like that) and after you've already asked your best friend to be your MOH. If your sister asks why you didn't ask her, cite her lack of support after your engagement (and any times thereafter) as the reason why.

    You'll probably have to deal with a good bit of radio silence as fallout, but it sounds like that's a better alternative to her negativity and your mom's forcing of the issue.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    edited July 2016
    Knottie1453668196 said:
    If I were to ask my best friend instead of my sister, any advice on how to have that conversation with her? I don't want to unnecessarily hurt her feelings or make it uncomfortable. 
    I wouldn't bring it up. If she brings it up and asks, I would steer away from any reasons related to her and stick to why you want your friend to be the MOH. Eg. She's my best friend, we've been dreaming about being in each other's weddings for years, she also wants me to be her MOH in the future, etc. None of these things are a knock against your sister, but instead are a plus for your friend.

    ETA: and therefore hopefully makes it less insulting and personal against your sister. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you really want to have a MOH I would ask the person you want and then ask the others to be in the bridal party. No need to tell them they're not the MOH.

    But also, you don't need to have a MOH, you could just have 4 bridesmaids. That way there are no hurt feelings and everyone is standing up with you, equally. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Have your best friend or no MOH. No need to have any conversations with your sister(s) about it. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    CraftyGCraftyG member
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    Don't say anything but if she outright asks just say that Best friend accepted, remember that this is your decision and you don't have to justify that to anyone.

    I would have loved to ask FSIL to be my bridesmaid but I know she would politely decline as she has the view that the bridal party should be your closest friends as your immediate family is going to be there for everything and just as part of the wedding party. Maybe this view will help? Tell her that you still want her to get ready with you and all of that but she doesn't have to walk the aisle and can wear whatever she wants.
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    ei34ei34 member
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    I'd definitely go with your best friend as MOH.  I'd try very hard to remind your mom and sister that WP choices are yours alone to make.  If they really pushed for a discussion, I'd highlight why your friend was your choice for MOH, and not why your sister wasn't.  Good luck!
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    It's up to you, and you alone, who you want in your wedding party and in what roles - not your mother, not even if she's paying. If this is a bone of contention, I'd pay for the wedding in its entirety and not accept any funding from your mother.

    I would ask your best friend to be your MOH. If you really want your sister in your wedding party, ask her to be a bridesmaid. If anyone questions that, I'd respond, "I gave it a lot of thought and ultimately chose the people I feel closest to for the roles I asked them to fill." Don't engage them further.


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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would absolutely not ask your sister to be your MOH. I would even consider not including her in your WP.... but that's your river to cross.

    Those in your WP are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, people you'd like to honour with the role, who you couldn't imagine getting married without. Doesn't sound like your sister fits in well there.

    It is your decision to make and up to you to decide how much family drama there will be and how much you want to deal with. But remember, the WP decision is yours and yours alone. Don't make this decision to please others.

    Personally, I would ask your friend to be your MOH. Then consider if you will have your 3 sisters as bridesmaids, or perhaps only a MOH and no bridesmaids.


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    Knottie1460327909Knottie1460327909 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I recently had a friend who chose her sister to be her MOH out of obligation instead of her best friend and completely regretted it.  Her best friend confided in me that she was a little upset because she ended up doing all of the duties of the MOH (planning showers, etc.) without actually being the MOH and the sister basically just showed up to the wedding and gave a half-hearted speech.  Choose the person that you are closest to.  If your sister gets upset then you know you made the right choice because she is far too selfish to have actually been a good MOH.
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    glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie1460327909 said:
    I recently had a friend who chose her sister to be her MOH out of obligation instead of her best friend and completely regretted it.  Her best friend confided in me that she was a little upset because she ended up doing all of the duties of the MOH (planning showers, etc.) without actually being the MOH and the sister basically just showed up to the wedding and gave a half-hearted speech.  Choose the person that you are closest to.  If your sister gets upset then you know you made the right choice because she is far too selfish to have actually been a good MOH.
    Define 'good MOH'. The sister you reference showed up to the wedding and gave a speech. Sounds like she fulfilled these duties you speak of.
                 
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