Wedding Woes

Atheism/marriage conundrum

Dear Prudence,
I am an atheist, as is my husband of 10 years. I am fairly live-and-let-live, but he mutters derisive comments when he sees cars lined up on Sunday by the local churches. Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how to find greater meaning in life. I’m still an atheist, but I am seriously considering attending Quaker worship (I like the way they worship, as well as their philosophy) to see if it’s for me. There is a liberal meeting close by, and I think they’d accept an atheist. The problem is how to approach my husband. He won’t like it. He won’t understand it. I suspect it will not be a pleasant conversation. To be clear, I don’t want him to go to church, nor would I take our kids. I just want to know how much I’m required to justify myself in this. Do I just go and refuse to discuss it if it gets hairy?

—Church vs. Spouse

Re: Atheism/marriage conundrum

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    I am an atheist, as is my husband of 10 years. I am fairly live-and-let-live, but he mutters derisive comments when he sees cars lined up on Sunday by the local churches. Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how to find greater meaning in life. I’m still an atheist, but I am seriously considering attending Quaker worship (I like the way they worship, as well as their philosophy) to see if it’s for me. There is a liberal meeting close by, and I think they’d accept an atheist. The problem is how to approach my husband. He won’t like it. He won’t understand it. I suspect it will not be a pleasant conversation. To be clear, I don’t want him to go to church, nor would I take our kids. I just want to know how much I’m required to justify myself in this. Do I just go and refuse to discuss it if it gets hairy?

    —Church vs. Spouse

    Uhhh, not at all. Not even a little bit. This is something that has zero affect on him and/or their general life together.

    This is concerning that LW can't even talk to her husband about something like this.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • None. 

    Go and see if you like it. If you do, tell your H this is how you want to spend your time Sunday mornings. If you don't like it, try something else.

    I think this is a lot of worrying over something that might not even be an issue. 
  • She should see if there's an Ethical Society or Humanist society close to her.

    So, here is my take on this:  her husband is still an Angry Atheist.  And there's plenty to be angry about; eventually you have to start working through that stage and get to the "what's next"?   Humans still need to find meaning in life and most of us require some sort of community/philosophy where we do that.  Humans are hardwired for a religious experience, but that hardwire doesn't have to be tripped by religion.  I think she needs to be more understanding of where he is and see what he needs to recognize/work through that and he needs to do the same for her.  I wish she would reach out to various atheist/humanist/agnostic communities, resources are out there for situations like this, they come up all the time

    It is concerning that she doesn't feel she can speak to him or that she feels the need to "justify" it.  That's probably part of the his angry atheist phase and he needs to work on that.
  • While there is nothing in her letter to indicate that the H wouldn't be supportive (just because you don't like something or understand the motivation doesn't mean a lack of support), the fact that she's worrying about talking to him indicates there could be, at the very least, communication issues.

    It sounds to me like there may be a support issue, whether realized or perceived.  But, even if it's just perceived, that's something LW needs to work through. 

    I don't see that any amount of justification is needed.  Go.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • If LW wants to go, they should make their spouse aware of it. Maybe the comments would be held off on out of respect? One can hope.

    However I think @VarunaTT  made a good point about Ethical Society or Humanist. Might be a better fit.
  • A little Devils Advocate here...if she's never expressed her interest before and has always gone along with H's rants and suddenly says "I want to go to Quaker church," I can see why it'd be a hard conversation and why her H would understand it even less. 

    Does she she need to justify her feelings?  No, but if she's taking a 180 on a stand her and and H have shared for a decade he's allowed to be a bit WTF in his response. 
    image
  • A little Devils Advocate here...if she's never expressed her interest before and has always gone along with H's rants and suddenly says "I want to go to Quaker church," I can see why it'd be a hard conversation and why her H would understand it even less. 

    Does she she need to justify her feelings?  No, but if she's taking a 180 on a stand her and and H have shared for a decade he's allowed to be a bit WTF in his response. 
    Yeah I see what you are saying. If FI suddenly decided to find religion I would certainly be WTF. I wouldn't try to belittle him or stop him, but I'd be side eyeing it for a good while. It would just be so out of character.
                 
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