Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wedding guests asking if they can bring +1

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Re: Wedding guests asking if they can bring +1

  • I'm a little surprised by all the posts saying you have to invite a SO and you should apologize and offer an invite. If you didn't even know the person was in a relationship, let alone, actually know the SO I don't think that automatically dictates an invite. It's a personal decision and if someone has been dating the person 1 month and you've never met them, I think it's ok to not invite them. Just as long as you're consistent with how you treat guests. Now if you have the room in your budget then of course it's a nice gesture and I'm sure they'd appreciate it but I think that's entirely your decision. If you decide not to, I would just explain your decision in a nice way and they should understand. What I would avoid doing is using terms like we only invited "serious" relationships because people can get offended by that and it's not fair to qualify someone else's relationship to me. You can say we only invited SOs we have met, or relationships that were engaged or living together, etc.
    It's a good thing you saw this post now, then, (hopefully) before your own invitations go out so that you can see that it's rude to not invite someone's significant other. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2016
    If these are people in relationships, then invite their partners. Do what you can to squeeze them in short of disinviting other guests - or their partners.

    But if these people aren't already in relationships, it's up to you whether or not they can bring plus-ones. It's a nice gesture to give them plus-ones if you can fit them in somehow, but if it truly isn't possible, then you can tell them, "I'm so sorry, but your invitation is only for you. It isn't possible for us to invite another guest for you. We still hope you can come and look forward to seeing you at the wedding." And if they respond that they can't come without the other guest, tell them, "I'm so sorry to hear that. We'll miss you at the wedding."
  • I'm a little surprised by all the posts saying you have to invite a SO and you should apologize and offer an invite. If you didn't even know the person was in a relationship, let alone, actually know the SO I don't think that automatically dictates an invite. It's a personal decision and if someone has been dating the person 1 month and you've never met them, I think it's ok to not invite them. Just as long as you're consistent with how you treat guests. Now if you have the room in your budget then of course it's a nice gesture and I'm sure they'd appreciate it but I think that's entirely your decision. If you decide not to, I would just explain your decision in a nice way and they should understand. What I would avoid doing is using terms like we only invited "serious" relationships because people can get offended by that and it's not fair to qualify someone else's relationship to me. You can say we only invited SOs we have met, or relationships that were engaged or living together, etc.
    This post is 2 months old and you resurrected it to give advice that is not considered proper etiquette.  

    FI and I planned our first vacation on our fourth date.  He told me he was going to marry me 5 weeks later, and then 1 week after that he said he loved me for the first time.   The only "personal decision" was between him and I in those first 6 weeks.
    image
  • I'm a little surprised by all the posts saying you have to invite a SO and you should apologize and offer an invite. If you didn't even know the person was in a relationship, let alone, actually know the SO I don't think that automatically dictates an invite. It's a personal decision and if someone has been dating the person 1 month and you've never met them, I think it's ok to not invite them. Just as long as you're consistent with how you treat guests. Now if you have the room in your budget then of course it's a nice gesture and I'm sure they'd appreciate it but I think that's entirely your decision. If you decide not to, I would just explain your decision in a nice way and they should understand. What I would avoid doing is using terms like we only invited "serious" relationships because people can get offended by that and it's not fair to qualify someone else's relationship to me. You can say we only invited SOs we have met, or relationships that were engaged or living together, etc.
    This post is 2 months old and you resurrected it to give advice that is not considered proper etiquette.  

    FI and I planned our first vacation on our fourth date.  He told me he was going to marry me 5 weeks later, and then 1 week after that he said he loved me for the first time.   The only "personal decision" was between him and I in those first 6 weeks.
    DH told me on the 4th date he was going to marry me :)    We were living together about a 2 weeks in.  He had his mom send down her diamond within 3 months.

    I didn't meet MIL until about 8 months after we met.   Which was only 3 days after DH met my family.     I had met DH's sister and brother because they flew to us, but it was about 5 months in.      






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I'm a little surprised by all the posts saying you have to invite a SO and you should apologize and offer an invite. If you didn't even know the person was in a relationship, let alone, actually know the SO I don't think that automatically dictates an invite. It's a personal decision and if someone has been dating the person 1 month and you've never met them, I think it's ok to not invite them. Just as long as you're consistent with how you treat guests. Now if you have the room in your budget then of course it's a nice gesture and I'm sure they'd appreciate it but I think that's entirely your decision. If you decide not to, I would just explain your decision in a nice way and they should understand. What I would avoid doing is using terms like we only invited "serious" relationships because people can get offended by that and it's not fair to qualify someone else's relationship to me. You can say we only invited SOs we have met, or relationships that were engaged or living together, etc.
    Your last two sentences are contradictory. You don't think it's fair to "qualify" someone else's relationship, but you can exclude them by only inviting those who are at a specific stage in their relationship? That makes zero sense.
  • I'm a little surprised by all the posts saying you have to invite a SO and you should apologize and offer an invite. If you didn't even know the person was in a relationship, let alone, actually know the SO I don't think that automatically dictates an invite. It's a personal decision and if someone has been dating the person 1 month and you've never met them, I think it's ok to not invite them. Just as long as you're consistent with how you treat guests. Now if you have the room in your budget then of course it's a nice gesture and I'm sure they'd appreciate it but I think that's entirely your decision. If you decide not to, I would just explain your decision in a nice way and they should understand. What I would avoid doing is using terms like we only invited "serious" relationships because people can get offended by that and it's not fair to qualify someone else's relationship to me. You can say we only invited SOs we have met, or relationships that were engaged or living together, etc.
    Your last two sentences are contradictory. You don't think it's fair to "qualify" someone else's relationship, but you can exclude them by only inviting those who are at a specific stage in their relationship? That makes zero sense.
    I agree. I got a wedding invitation that excluded my then BF of two years because we were not married or engaged. We had a "serious" relationship, in that we were starting to talk about getting married but were not engaged, but because of long distances, many friends and family members had yet to meet him, including the hosts of that wedding. It hurt to be expected to attend alone while watching other people's relationships honored because of an arbitrary "no ring no bring" decision by the hosts of that wedding -- who prior to then had been close friends who would have been definitely invited to my wedding had my BF and I gotten married.
  • @Knottie82080813

    First, I cannot imagine asking someone if I could bring a date/husband/fiance to a party or wedding - especially after knowing what it takes to plan these shindigs!

    BUT When I was building my guest list, I asked myself a few questions on the single folks:
    • Do they have an SO that I am aware of?
    • If they attend solo, will they be the lone wolf? 
    • Obviously, if they are married it is expected that the spouse will be invited, even if you don't know them from Adam's housecat!
    It's our job as the brides/party-throwers to make sure our guests have an excellent time and that means making them feel comfortable. If they will not know a single living soul at the wedding, heck yes, give them a +1. It's like the golden rule and excellent wedding karma. :)

    If they will know a solid number of people (besides you two!), I think you could get away with leaving them as solo.

    If they are asking to bring a +1 and you can't make it work, simply say "I'm so sorry but we've already confirmed the catering number." Or something to that effect. 

    We've all got different circumstances under which we are operating. Do what feels right for you!

    That's my two cents! :)
  • @banana468

    I wouldn't ask just because it's not my style. Unless I was married, I would assume they had no idea. 

    Remember, once a person is in a relationship @GoingGoshko, it doesn't matter whether or not you think it's significant.   The guest has told you that the relationship exists and that makes it significant.   Then you invite as a couple.

    That isn't to be confused with the truly single person who wants to bring a date.  

    ^^^ All of that. I totally agree with you! 

    During my planning, if someone wouldn't know a single soul, whether in a relationship or not, I added a plus one to the invite, just to make them more comfortable if they chose to bring someone.
  • @Knottie82080813

    First, I cannot imagine asking someone if I could bring a date/husband/fiance to a party or wedding - especially after knowing what it takes to plan these shindigs!

    First, you should never have to ask to bring your SO to a wedding because if people are good hosts then your SO would have been in invited in the 1st place. 

    People are planning a glorified fucking party- not an experimental brain surgery, it's not that hard.  Having to plan a wedding is no excuse for being a shitty host.

    BUT When I was building my guest list, I asked myself a few questions on the single folks:
    • Do they have an SO that I am aware of?  If you don't know, you ask.  Simple.
    • If they attend solo, will they be the lone wolf? 
    • Obviously, if they are married it is expected that the spouse will be invited, even if you don't know them from Adam's housecat!  Amen!!!
    It's our job as the brides/party-throwers to make sure our guests have an excellent time and that means making them feel comfortable.   Double Amen!

    If they will not know a single living soul at the wedding,
    heck yes, give them a +1. It's like the golden rule and excellent wedding karma. :)

    If they will know a solid number of people (besides you two!), I think you could get away with leaving them as solo.

    Only if they are truly single.

    If they are asking to bring a +1 and you can't make it work, simply say "I'm so sorry but we've already confirmed the catering number." Or something to that effect. 

    We've all got different circumstances under which we are operating. Do what feels right for you! Do what's polite.

    That's my two cents! :)


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Did this thread make the newsletter or something?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I don't see any problem with asking. A friend of DD's asked if he could bring his girlfriend. The last we had heard they had broken up. Obviously, they had gotten back together so of course she was invited. I'm really glad he asked because I would have felt really bad if he had attended without his SO (his parents are good friends of ours, and H and I were hosting). I recently asked a family member if DS2 (who just moved home after graduating from college) was invited to his wedding (since my other two kids were invited). This is the wedding that is becoming an epic nightmare. The answer was "of course, we just didn't know his address at school". Since DS2 is home looking for a job, I don't know why they couldn't send it to our address. Before everyone jumps on me, these people are VERY CLOSE family members. The grooms mother was mortified that DS2 hadn't received an invitation (or that DS1's fiancee wasn't included on his invitation).
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