Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about this but...

MyNameIsNot · August 2016

We didn't receive cards from any of our parents. My parents gifted a portion of the wedding to us. FIL handed DH a stack of cash at the wedding. MIL didn't gift anything.

I would have found it weird to get a card from any of them, except as a money holder from FIL.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2016

We didn't give DD and SIL a card. We did; however, pay for most of the wedding and bought them a dining room table and chairs. I'm sure his parents gave them a card (they are a big card family) and know they gave them money in addition to paying for the RD.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

For clarity, my dad did not pay for the wedding.

Ghostie625 · August 2016

We did not get a card or gift from my parents but they paid for the wedding so I wasn't expecting anything on top of that.

The only other noticeably missing card/gift was from MIL. (She also didn't contribute anything to the wedding. Not trying to say she should have, just trying to compare our situations.)

DH was pretty disappointed that we didn't at least get a card- he would have appreciated at least having some nice words from his mom. So I totally understand your feelings.

PnkBride · August 2016

For our daughter, we paid for a very small wedding (20 people), and gave them a washing machine and dryer. For our son, we paid for a nice rehearsal dinner and gave them a top of the line KitchenAid mixer. I don't think we gave either of them an actual card.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

I might get flamed for this but where I'm from it's just social convention that when you attend a wedding you send a card and or gift.

My dad attended my wedding and yes he did walk me down and make a toast but he also had a bloody good time. My step mum asked me to book their accommodation for 3 nights which cost us more, (a boat house with private sauna and balcony overlooking the lake) we paid for all their meals for 3 days, invited all their relatives to both wedding and also rehearsal etc etc...

We spent a lot of money, time and effort to make sure they had a good time so yes I guess I'm bummed that I didn't get a thing in return. My step mum understands these conventions as she was the one that told me to have a registry and gave etiquette advice on sending thank you cards.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting this taint my memories in any way, but I thought it was worthy of discussion to see what other people thought.

redoryx · August 2016

So I think you are way more upset and pissed off about this then you realize. Which is okay. You're allowed to feel whatever you want but just make sure you're being honest about those feelings.

short+sassy · August 2016

I think your feelings are valid to feel upset and hurt. I totally understand them. Unfortunately, saying anything to them now would just make them feel bad...which would make you feel bad...and I don't think it would do anything to resolve the hurt feelings.

I'm picking up that it is the hurt of not having the event acknowledged with a gift and/or card...not disappoint over not receiving cash/material goods. So, to have them do anything after the fact, doesn't change the disappointment you had that they did not think to do that themselves to begin with.

I feel like I explained that really badly, lol, but I hope you KWIM.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

short+sassy said:

I think your feelings are valid to feel upset and hurt. I totally understand them. Unfortunately, saying anything to them now would just make them feel bad...which would make you feel bad...and I don't think it would do anything to resolve the hurt feelings.
I'm picking up that it is the hurt of not having the event acknowledged with a gift and/or card...not disappoint over not receiving cash/material goods. So, to have them do anything after the fact, doesn't change the disappointment you had that they did not think to do that themselves to begin with.
I feel like I explained that really badly, lol, but I hope you KWIM.

I know exactly what you mean, but I do love them and I'm not going to dwell on it.

ernursej · August 2016

My parents will likely give a card (they sent one for any and all occasions), I'm anticipating that FI's parents will not because they never give cards for any occasion.

jacques27 · August 2016

ScottishSarah said:

I might get flamed for this but where I'm from it's just social convention that when you attend a wedding you send a card and or gift.

My dad attended my wedding and yes he did walk me down and make a toast but he also had a bloody good time. My step mum asked me to book their accommodation for 3 nights which cost us more, (a boat house with private sauna and balcony overlooking the lake) we paid for all their meals for 3 days, invited all their relatives to both wedding and also rehearsal etc etc...

We spent a lot of money, time and effort to make sure they had a good time so yes I guess I'm bummed that I didn't get a thing in return. My step mum understands these conventions as she was the one that told me to have a registry and gave etiquette advice on sending thank you cards.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not letting this taint my memories in any way, but I thought it was worthy of discussion to see what other people thought.

Honestly, I don't think it would occur to me to expect that from my closest family. Extended family and friends, yes. But not my closest family, presumably who are also fairly involved in the process of the day. I think the time spent together and any words exchanged that day are going to be far more meaningful than the words of some stranger printed on a $2.99 card. In fact, I've always thought it was awkward when someone just hands me a card and stands there letting a stranger convey the words instead of just saying it themselves. I pretty much attach cards to gifts that may be opened later, given them because I think they are hilarious, or bring them to weddings because I expect I'll be spending 5 minutes or less with the married couple (however, I also don't bring gifts to weddings - I send them before or after so it's one less thing for the couple to figure out logistically in terms of transporting it somewhere).

Do you and your immediate family always adhere strictly to etiquette? I mean, do you all always get cards/gifts for every occasion? Do you and your father and brother mail each other thank you cards for every birthday/holiday gift you receive from each other even if you talked/thanked in person? If you always do that and they always do that as well, then I guess it would be odd to me that this one time they didn't follow that guideline - but if you're not adhering to it for every other occasion, I'm not sure why the expectation for this occasion would be different. I know for me and my very closest the strict rules of etiquette don't always come into play just because our proximity and the amount of time we see each other/talk to each other makes it a little odd. I do, however, send thank you cards to extended family.

Oh, and regarded the bolded - is it possible he doesn't see it as a tit for tat that he needs to do something immediately in exchange? I mean, presumably he spent a lot of time, money, and effort raising you from the age of 0 - 18...presumably he'll spend a lot of time, money, and effort doing nice things for you for the remainder his life for you since you're family. I mean, I guess I can understand being a tad disappointed, especially if he didn't acknowledge the effort in person, but I can't really understand keeping a scorecard and bean counting with closest family. With my closest, life is just one long exchange of nice stuff we do for each other - not necessarily tied to a specific event to go along with social convention.

AddieCake · August 2016

My father gifted us a whole wedding, so we didn't mind that he didn't give us a standard gift. LOL

That being said, even if he hadn't paid for it, I would not have noticed/cared that he didn't give us a gift. My brother, on the other hand, I would have noticed and cared.

My heinous aunt attended only to spy on the wedding and report back to her heinous daughter. She gave us nothing, and I definitely noticed, especially when I later found out it was for spite that she brought a gift but decided at the wedding not to give it. But that's a whole different story and topic!

huskypuppy14 · August 2016

Did your stepmom give you a gift at the shower? If so, that could be your gift. My husband's parents didn't get us a card either, but they did pay for the rehearsal dinner, gave us some money for the wedding and bought our silverware off our registry. I thought it was a little odd since they give cards for other Occasions and I am a card person, but whatever.

My parents gave us a substantial amount of money for the wedding, my mom got me a shower gift and they gave a large check in a card at the wedding. I wouldn't consider that the norm though.

I like receiving cards because I keep most of them. I have a box of birthday cards from many years. It's really nice seeing cards from people who have now passed. I realize not everyone is sentimental like that.

ScottishSarah · August 2016

huskypuppy14 said:

Did your stepmom give you a gift at the shower? If so, that could be your gift. My husband's parents didn't get us a card either, but they did pay for the rehearsal dinner, gave us some money for the wedding and bought our silverware off our registry. I thought it was a little odd since they give cards for other Occasions and I am a card person, but whatever.

My parents gave us a substantial amount of money for the wedding, my mom got me a shower gift and they gave a large check in a card at the wedding. I wouldn't consider that the norm though.

I like receiving cards because I keep most of them. I have a box of birthday cards from many years. It's really nice seeing cards from people who have now passed. I realize not everyone is sentimental like that.

We didn't have a shower as we are in the UK. They sound fun though!

I keep certain cards as well. The most special are from my mother who passed away. Seeing her handwriting gives me this sad but odd but nice feeling. I read a poem once that said seeing a loved one's handwriting is sweet but melancholy, like seeing an empty pair of shoes. Probably not explaining this very well!

LD1970 · August 2016

I'm not much help, since my parents are serious overgifters, but that just means I'd be incredibly surprised if they hadn't given us pretty lavish gifts and a card. I wasn't surprised.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about this but...

Re: Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about this but...

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