Etiquette

Frustrating Mother in Law

24

Re: Frustrating Mother in Law

  • kylexokylexo Finger Lakes, NY
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    Maybe I am terrible at math, but if you have 20 friends you invited who had just entered relationships when you sent invites, but only four people were actually excluded because of this inane rule you made up... What happened with the other 16 relationships?
    OMG this feels like a HS math problem, hahaha.

    This wedding is sounding like it's just a hot mess.
    She's backtracked cause she got called out on being a jerk OR she's just really bad at math.
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    My FMIL isn't my favorite person, but I invited her to go dress shopping with me. She hasn't offered to help with any of the wedding details but that's okay because it's not her responsibility to do anything. I have a friend whose husband left her two weeks before invitations went out, his name came off the list. She then started dating someone new after invitations went out, new guy's name went on the list. I also asked both my mom and my FI's mom if there was anyone they wanted to invite to the wedding. There is the possibility of there being several people at my wedding whom I have never met and FI hasn't seen in years. Did we have to invite these people? Nope, absolutely not. We did anyways because we're uniting our families and these strangers are people my FMIL wants there. I don't want to start my new family on the wrong foot. 
    cowgirl8238
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    I could be wrong here but I think OP meant that four people were excluded due to her weird "you didn't guy me gifts" rule, not the rude S/O thing.
    image
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    edited August 2016
    I could be wrong here but I think OP meant that four people were excluded due to her weird "you didn't guy me gifts" rule, not the rude S/O thing.
    No, she said between them there are 65 cousins and they invited like 15 of them because they're close enough to exchange gifts.
    madamerwinInLoveInQueens
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    I could be wrong here but I think OP meant that four people were excluded due to her weird "you didn't guy me gifts" rule, not the rude S/O thing.
    No, she said between them there are 65 cousins and they invited like 15 of them because they're close enough to exchange gifts.

    Oooh okay sorry. Thanks.

    image
    poodledoodleooo
  • Ironring said:
    I'm going to be devils advocate here for a second and I could completely be wrong.....but I took the "only inviting cousins you exchange Christmas presents with" a completely different (non rude) way. To me, it meant that she likely has a lot of cousins, some of them are close, close enough even that they stay in touch to the point of sharing Christmas presents. The rest of the cousins they aren't close to at all and rarely interact with. So maybe I just read it wrong, but I read that sentence to more mean "we are only inviting cousins we are close to" which I don't see anything wrong with. 

    But theres a bunch of other stuff in your OP and I understand why your FMIL is hurt. Invite SO of all guests, ask your FMIL if she would like to be involved, don't assume she wants to stuff envelopes or do any other sort of labour or be annoyed if she doesnt.

    I took it this way too, like if she had said, "We only invited the cousins we spend the holidays with" it would have looked a lot smoother but meant the same thing (I hope). No ring no bring is rude. Full stop.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    Oh yeesh. Since the invites have already gone out you are stuck looking rude to your guests in relationships and thoughtless to the in-laws you didn't consult!

    I also cannot follow the math on 20 friends being in new relationships but only four people being excluded. Were all 20 of them dating the same four people? Reminder for your next event: poly relationships are still relationships! It does look especially bad that your budget was so poorly planned it couldn't be adjusted for only four additional guests.

    Since those four SOs are now "out of the picture" there isn't really anything you can do. If, however, you just happened to forget 16 of your friends' partners please find a way to accommodate them and send invites ASAP with your apologies.


    Two corrections/questions for the crowd:
    1. @PrettyGirlLost Isn't it standard to send invitations 6-8 weeks before the wedding? Assuming she sent them within the last couple weeks I don't think it's way too early.
    2. A few people mentioned inviting any new SOs who pop up between now and the wedding, which would be very nice but it's not required. The rule is to invite any SOs who exist when the invites are sent.
    No, I think 4-5 weeks is reasonable for invitations.  You typically don't need final numbers for your venue or caterer until 1-1.5 weeks out.  So there's no reason to send out invitations 2 months prior.

    6 weeks would be pushing it on too early, and 8 weeks is definitely two early.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
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    No, I think 4-5 weeks is reasonable for invitations.  You typically don't need final numbers for your venue or caterer until 1-1.5 weeks out.  So there's no reason to send out invitations 2 months prior.

    6 weeks would be pushing it on too early, and 8 weeks is definitely two early.
    Everywhere suggests 6-8 weeks. Where are you seeing 4-5?
    SP29justsieKnickerGold
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
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    I personally would appreciate a little more than 4 weeks notice on a wedding. 6-8 is fine for me, and I think relatively standard these days.

    Anniversary

    InLoveInQueenshuskypuppy14
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    No, I think 4-5 weeks is reasonable for invitations.  You typically don't need final numbers for your venue or caterer until 1-1.5 weeks out.  So there's no reason to send out invitations 2 months prior.

    6 weeks would be pushing it on too early, and 8 weeks is definitely two early.

    Really? This is kind of ridiculous - don't you think? I like getting my invitations a few months out. I usually need to travel and i need to know if I need to get in the night before (i.e. wedding is at 1pm or 2pm) or if I can arrive that morning (wedding is in the evening). Everyone here says 6-8 weeks and I think that's just right, if not a little too late. I don't think many people will agree with you here.

    No, not really.  I don't make travel arrangements until about a month out anyways, no matter how earlier I get the invitation.

    But if you're all saying 6-8 weeks is the standard then I guess that's the standard.  I thought 8 weeks was too early.  Maybe it was 10 weeks that ppl on here used to get up in arms in? *shrug*

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."



  • No, I think 4-5 weeks is reasonable for invitations.  You typically don't need final numbers for your venue or caterer until 1-1.5 weeks out.  So there's no reason to send out invitations 2 months prior.

    6 weeks would be pushing it on too early, and 8 weeks is definitely two early.

    Really? This is kind of ridiculous - don't you think? I like getting my invitations a few months out. I usually need to travel and i need to know if I need to get in the night before (i.e. wedding is at 1pm or 2pm) or if I can arrive that morning (wedding is in the evening). Everyone here says 6-8 weeks and I think that's just right, if not a little too late. I don't think many people will agree with you here.

    No, not really.  I don't make travel arrangements until about a month out anyways, no matter how earlier I get the invitation.

    But if you're all saying 6-8 weeks is the standard then I guess that's the standard.  I thought 8 weeks was too early.  Maybe it was 10 weeks that ppl on here used to get up in arms in? *shrug*

    Well, that's fine for you. I probably want to know how much money I'm spending and if I have to book far flights (I live in CA and much of my family lives on the east coast) a little in advance. I would personally prefer 10 weeks but understand 6-8 is standard. The RSVP date doesn't need to be more than a few weeks in advance, but wedding often require travel and sometimes I'll want a new outfit, so I think a little advance notice is fine.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    No, I think 4-5 weeks is reasonable for invitations.  You typically don't need final numbers for your venue or caterer until 1-1.5 weeks out.  So there's no reason to send out invitations 2 months prior.

    6 weeks would be pushing it on too early, and 8 weeks is definitely two early.

    Really? This is kind of ridiculous - don't you think? I like getting my invitations a few months out. I usually need to travel and i need to know if I need to get in the night before (i.e. wedding is at 1pm or 2pm) or if I can arrive that morning (wedding is in the evening). Everyone here says 6-8 weeks and I think that's just right, if not a little too late. I don't think many people will agree with you here.

    No, not really.  I don't make travel arrangements until about a month out anyways, no matter how earlier I get the invitation.

    But if you're all saying 6-8 weeks is the standard then I guess that's the standard.  I thought 8 weeks was too early.  Maybe it was 10 weeks that ppl on here used to get up in arms in? *shrug*

    Well, that's fine for you. I probably want to know how much money I'm spending and if I have to book far flights (I live in CA and much of my family lives on the east coast) a little in advance. I would personally prefer 10 weeks but understand 6-8 is standard. The RSVP date doesn't need to be more than a few weeks in advance, but wedding often require travel and sometimes I'll want a new outfit, so I think a little advance notice is fine.
      Please see above.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
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    edited August 2016

    No, I think 4-5 weeks is reasonable for invitations.  You typically don't need final numbers for your venue or caterer until 1-1.5 weeks out.  So there's no reason to send out invitations 2 months prior.

    6 weeks would be pushing it on too early, and 8 weeks is definitely two early.

    Really? This is kind of ridiculous - don't you think? I like getting my invitations a few months out. I usually need to travel and i need to know if I need to get in the night before (i.e. wedding is at 1pm or 2pm) or if I can arrive that morning (wedding is in the evening). Everyone here says 6-8 weeks and I think that's just right, if not a little too late. I don't think many people will agree with you here.

    No, not really.  I don't make travel arrangements until about a month out anyways, no matter how earlier I get the invitation.

    But if you're all saying 6-8 weeks is the standard then I guess that's the standard.  I thought 8 weeks was too early.  Maybe it was 10 weeks that ppl on here used to get up in arms in? *shrug*
    Yes, 6-8 weeks is standard. Maybe you don't make plans until a month out but I know a lot of people who shop around months in advance for flights.

    ETA: sorry I hadn't read the whole thread before responding.
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited August 2016
    Dear OP,

    Your FILS are going to be YOUR FAMILY for the length of your marriage.  You are the person who is joining their family.  It is up to you to try to fit in with their already established relationships.  Remember, this extended family includes your soon-to-be-husband.  You insult them at your own peril.

    It is not always possible to be accepted by your new family, but you should try.  Complaining about them is not productive.  You are the one who has violated etiquette about the wedding invitations, not them.  Yes, they are out of line to add guests to your shower, but, since you are not in charge of this event, it is not your responsibility to deal with he problem.

    I think you need to reset your priorities.  Be nice to your FILS, and stop criticizing them.  If you have children, you may want them in your life.

    So sorry that you didn't ask us sooner about your guest list.  Big faux pas!  Major!  You have insulted a lot of people.
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    SP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain
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    edited August 2016
    I have, as usual, rather frustrating FILs. When FH and I first got engaged, they congratulated us, but then his mother called to say they couldn't come to our engagement do because she couldn't afford a new dress. What did YOU say in reply to her?  They are not wealthy, so we didn't expect any monetary help from them. My parents are footing the bill for the reception. This has nothing to do with anything. Who pays for your wedding is private. When we created the guest list for the wedding (we very very carefully set our parameters for who to invite- cousins only got invited if we exchange Christmas gifts; no ring no bring; etc), Ugh!  How rude of you.  they were really cruel about who we invited, throwing things out like "well I bet SHE invited all of her cousins" or "of course HER sister gets to bring her boyfriend" (neither of which is true). This is the only input that they have given as far as anything in the wedding goes. They haven't offered to help stuffing envelopes, or asked if there was anything they could do. Why should they? I wasn't terribly shocked by this, just based on their personalities, but they have now invited people to the wedding shower that my sisters are hosting who aren't invited to the wedding (and didn't ask my sisters). She also told my sisters that many people can't make that date, so they should change it. Your sister should deal with this, not YOU.

    After this whole debacle, FH told me that the reason she has been difficult is because she feels uninvolved. While I can understand where she's coming from (my mother is my best friend along with the host of the wedding, so we have done basically everything as either just us two or with my parents). I'm torn here, because I want to do the right thing by my fiance, but after being so rude to my sisters and to us, I don't really want to involve her. The only person who has been rude is YOU.  I would rather her just stay out of things. I feel like she has waited for us to get everything done, and then whined that she didn't get to help (when she didn't really want to to begin with). 

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • I will affirm that the FILs were rude to invite additional guests to the bridal shower, but I don't think it warrants excluding the MIL.

    OP, you'll see many threads here about guests adding extra names to RSVPs. While annoying, it's not uncommon and not deserving of punishment. If your sisters are unsure of how to respond they can find suggested phrasing there.

  • Ok, fess up, which one of you wrote this as bait for a fun conversation/example of how rude and awful you are when you institute a bullshit rule like "no ring, no bring?"

    In all seriously, OP you better prepare yourself for the friends whose SOs you excluded to slowly ghost you because of the horrible way you're treating them and how little you care about their relationships when asking them to celebrate yours. Also congrats on alienating your future in-laws, you are the cause of the problems with the way you talk about them. Your in-laws aren't invitation stuffing cash machines, no one is required to plan/pay for/host/whatever else you think you're entitled to your wedding, if you and your fiance need help stuffing invitations that's on you. You're the rude one, hopefully you understand that and stop yourself before you irreversibly ruin your and your fiance's relationship with his parents and your friends, but going by how bull-headed you're acting in the comments you're just going to double down on the rude. The good news is you won't have to deal with them in the future much, when they don't want to associate with you because of how horrible you acted about your wedding.
    ernursejOliveOilsMomkimmiinthemitten
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
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    In OP's defense (I know, I know) when I was in my young twenties I read a Dear Abby article that said you only "had" to invite to weddings established social units- married, engaged, living together. Not knowing any better, I took it as Gospel. It's Dear Abby, after all. 

    I've since Seen The Light and though it sounds too late for OP, hopefully more people learn from TK like I did before people get offended. 
    ________________________________


    scrunchythieflizybeff
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