Invitation for grandfather with Alzheimer's

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

FGIL (future grandfather in law) has Alzheimer's and was recently moved to an assisted living center for his and his wife's safety.

FMIL insists it's proper etiquette to mail their invitation to his current mailing address instead of her mailing address (their home) because he's the relative (neither she nor her siblings care for his wife).

I thinks it's cruel for a patient with Alzheimer's to open mail (possibly without his wife) and receive a wedding invitation because it's just another reminder he's missing an important event for somebody he is supposed to know but doesn't.

They live out of state and are not attending. Our plan was to mail a ceremony recording and boutonnière with a program that his wife could share with him on a good day (thanks to another Knottie's suggestion a while ago!)

I do believe that while her intentions are partially out of dislike for his wife, they're also more so because she's having a hard time with his recent decline and dealing with having neither of her parents at her only sons wedding. However, I can't believe her request is correct etiquette wise and I think she's unintentionally blind to his reality (in this situation). But maybe I'm just sensitive because my grandmother had dementia for 20 years and I watched her decline.

Who is right, if there is a right?

kylexo · August 2016

I don't know if there is a right or a wrong here, but I had a very similar situation for my wedding (grandfather recently moved to assisted living, wife that my mom and her sisters didn't care for, etc). We sent the invitation to her, as if they were able to come (they weren't) it would be on her to make the arrangements to attend, not him, and she would be the one RSVPing. I do agree that it could be confusing or make him sad to get the invitation himself, but I'd say this is very much a know your audience type of situation. I think your gut feeling is the right one, though.

levioosa · August 2016

I would send the invitation to the wife. She can decide to share it or not based on how he is doing. The fact that he is now living in a memory care facility tells me his condition is declining and he might be confused by the invitation.

OurWildKingdom · August 2016

Your gut instinct is spot-on. I agree with @kylexo and @levioosa -- send it to FGIL's wife, not to FMIL.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2016

I agree with PPs. Just for curiosity's sake, does FMIL not want you to send FGIL's wife an invitation? I would think, if you sent him one at the facility, one would be sent to the wife at the home address. I'm sorry this is happening. My father had Alzheimer's, and it is awful.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I agree with PPs. Just for curiosity's sake, does FMIL not want you to send FGIL's wife an invitation? I would think, if you sent him one at the facility, one would be sent to the wife at the home address. I'm sorry this is happening. My father had Alzheimer's, and it is awful.

No she says it should be addressed to both but at his address.

It it really is awful. She hasn't been down to see him in a decade so some days in her head he's dying any day now (also has an untreatable brain aneurysm) and others she's in a bit of denial about what memory loss does to a person. We had breakfast with them about a year and a half ago and for the most part he was with it, knew FI, but most importantly he was happy. It's gotten worse since then.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I agree with PPs. Just for curiosity's sake, does FMIL not want you to send FGIL's wife an invitation? I would think, if you sent him one at the facility, one would be sent to the wife at the home address. I'm sorry this is happening. My father had Alzheimer's, and it is awful.

No she says it should be addressed to both but at his address.

It it really is awful. She hasn't been down to see him in a decade so some days in her head he's dying any day now (also has an untreatable brain aneurysm) and others she's in a bit of denial about what memory loss does to a person. We had breakfast with them about a year and a half ago and for the most part he was with it, knew FI, but most importantly he was happy. It's gotten worse since then.

I'm glad y'all were able to spend some good time with him. I think FMIL is having some guilt over not being around him for so long. IMO, I would send the invitation to the house. That is probably his legal residence anyway, and like you said it might be too confusing to receive it at the Alzheimer's facility.

banana468 · August 2016

I think your gut instinct is spot on.

Can you talk with the people at the assisted living facility? I'd also see how they feel about this. If he accepts the invitation are you two set up to host him with an aid or someone else present to be a caretaker or is the idea of the invitation to be more of a "we are thinking about you" presence.

Do you have a relationship with FGFIL's wife? Could you talk to her? In this scenario unless I thought that FMIL was going to make a huge scene then I'd go with my gut and/or the recommendations of trained staff at his facility.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

banana468 said:

I think your gut instinct is spot on.

Can you talk with the people at the assisted living facility? I'd also see how they feel about this. If he accepts the invitation are you two set up to host him with an aid or someone else present to be a caretaker or is the idea of the invitation to be more of a "we are thinking about you" presence.

Do you have a relationship with FGFIL's wife? Could you talk to her? In this scenario unless I thought that FMIL was going to make a huge scene then I'd go with my gut and/or the recommendations of trained staff at his facility.

If he attended his wife and stepson (also invited) would accompany him and he is financially well off enough to pay for healthcare and assistance anywhere. However, last year he had a brain aneurysm return and that pretty much solidified that he won't travel any longer. Fortunately, it happened early enough that he was able to choose for himself to forgo surgery because it would advance the Alzheimer's. He said he would rather live a short live with early Alzheimer's than a long one with advanced Alzheimer's. Can't blame him there!

Speaking with the wife will be difficult because it will ultimately get back around to FMIL, so I think we're just going to stick to our gut and mail it to their home address.

@ILoveBeachMusic that's what FI thinks too, although she'll never admit it. We've tried everything we can to get her down there and it doesn't work, sadly. We had a really nice visit with him, and FI was so happy he did, especially given his state such a short time after. I'm glad I was able to meet him!

SP29 · August 2016

I would send it to his wife, as I assume by FGIL now being at a care facility, his wife is his decision maker (not necessarily himself).

Do you talk to his wife at all? I would still send her the invitation, but if she thinks FGIL would be OK with it, maybe he would like to have an invitation as well (many people do like to post photos, notes, calendars, etc to on their wall or a board to help them remember people/events) depending on his status at the time and relationship with your FI.

Invitation for grandfather with Alzheimer's

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