Dead stepson. Lots of messy emotions.

mrsconn23 · September 2016

Dear Prudence,
My stepson died last month and all I can feel is relief. I have watched him destroy himself for over 15 years and do his best to do the same to my family. He lied so much I think his mouth forgot the taste of truth and it killed a little more of his mother every time. We tried counseling, rehab, prayer, but nothing stuck. Then he struck his younger sister when she took his keys away to keep him from driving drunk. I threw him out that night and never saw him again. My wife is devastated, her son has died, and I feel guilty about my relief. My stepdaughter has confided in me that she feels glad that he is dead, that sometimes she thinks her mother loved him more than her, and worries that makes her a bad person. I don’t know what steps to take—I think counseling but I know nothing good can come from sharing these truths. My wife is as fragile as glass and my stepdaughter has a scar over her eyebrow where her brother hit her. How do you move on from here?

—Relieved

ShesSoCold · September 2016

Wow. Counseling all around, for sure. But individual counseling. All three of them need to be getting through their grief individually and the only time a family session would be a good idea, IMHO, is to address the needs of one person. So, mom should go to daughter's counselor only to see what she can do to help daughter and vice versa.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

Family and individual counseling. Together to find ways to grieve and move-on as a family. Individually so you can share these feelings and talk about them without hurting your wife more.

As an aside I don't think it's uncommon to feel relief and sadness at the same time regarding deaths. Caregivers often feel this way after a long suffering illness. It sounds like LW's stepson was suffering from addiction, and as such may feel relief the pain the addiction wreaked on the family has ended. Counseling can help with the guilt.

kimmiinthemitten · September 2016

That all sounds like addict behavior. My brother is a recovering addict. There are times when he's actively using that I wish he'd just be locked up for a long time and wonder what life would be like without him. There'd be no incessant "emergency" phone calls, no fear he's going to steal from me, no fear he's duped my mom out of money, no fear of tomorrow.

But then I remember I feel that way about the addict and not him. Finding NarAnon and learning to separate the addict from the person was huge, as was learning to forgive myself for detaching. They need counseling, in whatever way helps each of them. I bet LW feelings stem from the role he felt he had to play to protect his wife and daughter.

banana468 · September 2016

That's someone with a disease and someone ill equipped to handle it. Not bashing the step dad - those are his emotions and relief can be understandable, but it sounds like the family never sought their own therapy while dude was alive and that would have been a large benefit.

MesmrEwe · October 2016

The Mom lost her baby - there is going to be broken glass feelings! Whatever the cause, he was still her baby. OTOH, the question is whether or not the Mom has ever attended meetings for families of addicts and really process. Not sure if counseling all around is the way to go but absolutely someone who specializes in working with family members of addicts.

Dead stepson. Lots of messy emotions.

Re: Dead stepson. Lots of messy emotions.

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