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Bridal shower

Knottie1458219364Knottie1458219364 member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiancé and I are having a fairly small wedding due to budget constraints. We both have large families and many friends who unfortunately, won't be invited to our wedding. My maid of honor is throwing us a "couples shower" and my fiancé's aunt is hosting a bridal shower in my honor. Our dilemma is - do we invite those family members and friends who we want to help celebrate this time in our life, even though they will not be invited to the wedding?
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Re: Bridal shower

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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You may totally have good intentions here. Gifts might not be factoring into this at all. However this just seems like a sad consolation prize at best and a huge gift grab at worst.
    If there are any that are truly disappointed that they don't get to celebrate your wedding, I'd guess that the majority of them won't be as pacified by a shower invite as you might think. Even the best showers are still mostly sitting around watching people open gifts. A wedding is something special. Aside from the typical fun dancing and dinner and drinks that often come with it, you get to see the very special union of two people. A shower just doesn't hold a candle to that.
    Not worth risking offending people.

    Anyone who has to miss out, just make plans to hang with at a non-wedding related event in the near future.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2016
    Here's the thing: If you really want to invite only a small number of people to your wedding, then you need to accept, and everyone else in your life who is not part of that small number needs to accept that the only people you can invite to anything wedding-related (at least before the wedding) is the small number of people who are invited to the wedding. If anyone is disappointed about "not getting to celebrate" your wedding with you by being invited to the actual wedding, then they need to accept that -- and so do you.

    Also, the only "wedding reception" you can have has to immediately follow the actual wedding and all actual wedding guests need to be invited to it. While it is okay to have a very small ceremony with a large reception that immediately follows the ceremony, there's so much potential for hurt feelings that with a very few exceptions such as a Mormon sealing where only Mormons in good standing can attend or a truly immediate-family-and-SOs-only wedding, it's not advised.

    After the wedding you can have a "wedding celebration," but it needs to be made clear to all that this is a separate event from your wedding and is not a "wedding reception." You would not wear your wedding outfits, have attendants, have a registry, re-enact the ceremony, or have any other "firsts" that a wedding would have, such as spotlight dances. (It's debatable whether you could have a cake cutting, but I personally don't advise it.) 


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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Here's the thing: If you really want to invite only a small number of people to your wedding, then you need to accept, and everyone else in your life who is not part of that small number needs to accept that the only people you can invite to anything wedding-related (at least before the wedding) is the small number of people who are invited to the wedding. If anyone is disappointed about "not getting to celebrate" your wedding with you by being invited to the actual wedding, then they need to accept that -- and so do you.

    Also, the only "wedding reception" you can have has to immediately follow the actual wedding and all actual wedding guests need to be invited to it. While it is okay to have a very small ceremony with a large reception that immediately follows the ceremony, there's so much potential for hurt feelings that with a very few exceptions such as a Mormon sealing where only Mormons in good standing can attend or a truly immediate-family-and-SOs-only wedding, it's not advised.

    After the wedding you can have a "wedding celebration," but it needs to be made clear to all that this is a separate event from your wedding and is not a "wedding reception." You would not wear your wedding outfits, have attendants, have a registry, re-enact the ceremony, or have any other "firsts" that a wedding would have, such as spotlight dances. (It's debatable whether you could have a cake cutting, but I personally don't advise it.) 


    You can absolutely have a cake cutting. A host should cut and serve the dessert (I suppose unless were back in 1920 with the Earl of Grantham where the staff present all food). The difference is, the hosts would not feed each other a piece of cake (this signifies the first meal as husband and wife), and should always serve their guests before themselves.
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    BeyondHappyBeyondHappy member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    We had a small wedding (25 people, and that includes the photographer, the videographer, and the retired minister who did the blessing and his wife), and no showers.  The previous posters are correct. 

    The only possible exception is if your fiance's aunt hosts an engagement party instead of a shower - she can invite all the family to an engagement party, to introduce you to his extended family. 
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    mntravelingmamamntravelingmama member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    No, no, no. NOPE.
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    ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Maybe she'd prefer to host a "meet the newlyweds" dinner or something after your wedding for the family and friends who aren't invited? Nothing wedding-y, but just a simple dinner or something.

    The only time it's semi-ok to have a shower with people who aren't invited to the wedding is maybe if you have coworkers who throw parties for everyone's everything, they know they're not invited, and still want to bring cake or something to work. My office throws small lunch time celebrations for just about every life event, but there is no expectation to be invited to anything outside of work.
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