WTELMF? This is DTMFA (LW being the A) territory.

mrsconn23 · October 2016

Dear Prudence,
I have been married for almost 20 years and we have three teenagers together. Our marriage has been rocky for about a year: My spouse had been treating me poorly (talking down to me, challenging my professional opinion in front of others, not backing me up with our kids, delivering passive-aggressive barbs). Recently I happened to be at an event with his co-worker (whom we have socialized with many times) and I chose (wrongly) to unload much of the above behavior, with a few choice expletives thrown in for good measure. This co-worker gave my spouse a pretty verbatim account of what I said within a day or so. My spouse then came to me to extract an entitled pound of flesh—it was the wrong audience, wrong occasion, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I felt terrible for betraying our marriage. Here’s my question: When is my sincere apology enough? When am I able to discuss or try to point out anything that may have lead me to have this chat without having to apologize again and again? My spouse doesn’t seem to get that many of my gripes are legitimate, or if so, uses my behavior as a deflection. I feel like I’m going crazy.

—When Is a Sincere Apology Enough?

DrillSergeantCat · October 2016

I don't think LW's H really wants to be married anymore and is treating her poorly trying to get her to leave. They probably both feel stuck since they've been married so long, though. LW should not have vented to H's co-worker and he has every right to be upset about that. However, his unwillingness to listen to anything else is a red flag that she needs to move on.

charlotte989875 · October 2016

It doesn't sound like either of them want to be married to each other anymore. Time for some serious discussions about their relationship, with each other, not the coworkers.

OliveOilsMom · October 2016

It just sounds like, for both spouses, its time move on. LW was wrong to unload on the co-worker. LW's H is wrong with the way her treats her. They need to sit down with a counselor if either of them or both want to save the marriage. Otherwise, part way amicably and just learn to be good co-parents in separate households.

VarunaTT · October 2016

LW was wrong to unload; it happens. Sometimes you just get so fed up, it's like vomiting and you can't control it. That needs to be over already. Spouse refusing to accept apology and continuing to bring it up is another symptom if their issues.

But now that it's all out in the open, if neither LW or LW's spouse is willing to listen/fix it, it's time to go.

GBCK · October 2016

you can only own the 'wrong audience' part of it when the rest of it is still 'but you still suck and I need out'.
hich means the OP needs a therapist and probably a lawyer and maybe a new BFF.

bleve0821 · October 2016

I don't feel like unloading like this is something that happens just by accident... especially not to someone who is very likely to say something so it gets back to the injured party. Maybe that wasn't LW's intent. Sometimes once you get going it's hard to stop, but that doesn't change the fact that you know it's the wrong audience.

I kind of get the sense that LW was looking for an out, sabotaged her/himself, and is surprised that s/he didn't like the outcome. LW knows the marriage needs to end but maybe, when co-worker told the spouse about the conversation, thereby betraying what may have been said in an implied confidence (?), LW realized that s/he isn't ready to let it go (or doesn't know how to), and maybe feels as though, despite what LW believes to be cause/justification, s/he has no support outside the marriage.

It's hard to feel a certain way, reach out to others because of a need to (at a minimum) be heard, and get slapped in the face (not literally) in response. It's very isolating.

Don't know if I explained myself well. I'm really struggling with words today.

MesmrEwe · October 2016

LW absolutely chose the wrong audience, but the message needed to be aired BIGTIME if it was already at that tipping point! Why is honesty so hard for her to say to her husband. Communication is the breakdown and more than that - she "taught" him it's o.k. to treat her this way (consciously or not, she gave him the response he wanted from her when he did this and reinforced it each time to the point it became automatic instead of putting him in his place and eliciting the response she wanted instead), she needs to start standing up more for herself and interrupt his pattern whenever he goes into such things and not back down because she needs to realize she's teaching her kids that behavior is o.k.. Cat is out of the bag, they need to seriously open up the communications and get this ship turned around, or they need to start negotiating terms of a mutual split (yes, it's possible to have a peaceful divorce!).. She really shouldn't be apologizing for anything other than who she vented to!

WTELMF? This is DTMFA (LW being the A) territory.

Re: WTELMF? This is DTMFA (LW being the A) territory.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards