Maybe it's not a good roommate fit?

Re: Maybe it's not a good roommate fit?

• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  December 2016

  I kind of think having a roommate means you forgo certain things. If these people are staying in her room or in the common areas and aren't using your belongings, it's not your business. Especially since these are the same people on repeat. If it were strangers, I'd have a talk with roommate, but otherwise you do just sound like you're judging her lifestyle.

  

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• missJeanLouise member

  

  December 2016

  Agree with @DrillSergeantCat. That being said, LW didn't sign up for having a dude roommate. Maybe she wants to walk around in her under roos and can't because of zach/screech/slater? Maybe it is hard to get ready for work in the morning because instead of 2 people sharing the bathroom there are 3?
  I think a new rommate or a studio apartment are LW's best options.

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  December 2016

  missJeanLouise said:

  Agree with @DrillSergeantCat. That being said, LW didn't sign up for having a dude roommate. Maybe she wants to walk around in her under roos and can't because of zach/screech/slater? Maybe it is hard to get ready for work in the morning because instead of 2 people sharing the bathroom there are 3?
  I think a new rommate or a studio apartment are LW's best options.

  That's true and that's where LW needs to say, "Look roomie, the two of us are the leasees here. That means, when I need to get ready in the morning I expect to be able to get ready in the morning without having to wait for a third party." 
  
  This is why I will never have another roommate. 

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  December 2016

  If the guests are in the roommate's room, not using the LW's belongings, making getting ready in the morning difficult, or otherwise interfering with the LW, I think she needs to suck it up or find a new place to live. The roommate doesn't have to run every person she brings back into her room by the LW. Sure, maybe the LW didn't sign-up for a third roommate, but unless these guests are hanging around when the roommate isn't home/using things that are the LW's/generally living there (which isn't what it sounds like), but this is how the roommate is choosing to live her life, and doesn't need LW's permission. 
  
  And LW does sound a little judgy about roommate's lifestyle. 

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• OurWildKingdom member

  

  December 2016 edited December 2016

  My guess is that LW is a little envious.

  

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2016

  I think she needs to think about the concerns.   Are the new roommates hogging the bathroom or the morning coffee?   Do they put on the "wrong" AM morning news?  
  
  Or is the reality that the LW really prefers a more quiet environment with fewer people.   If it's the latter, she should look into a one bedroom. 

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• short+sassy member

  

  December 2016

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  December 2016

  ..and this - is the reason to rent an apartment by yourself without roommates even if it's not as nice...  LW needs to find a way out of the lease...

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• cowgirl8238 member

  

  December 2016

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  Me either!

  This is exactly what I was thinking.  If LW signed up for a roommate +1 that's on her, but it sounds more like they both agreed to move in and then this extra person keeps showing up, and that is grounds for a discussion in my book.

  If LW and roommate can't work this out then I think they should split and look for a different arrangement.

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  December 2016

  cowgirl8238 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  Me either!

  This is exactly what I was thinking.  If LW signed up for a roommate +1 that's on her, but it sounds more like they both agreed to move in and then this extra person keeps showing up, and that is grounds for a discussion in my book.

  If LW and roommate can't work this out then I think they should split and look for a different arrangement.

  Agreed with both of you.  And that's basically what Prudie said.  
  
  I do wonder if the LW brought up the 'poly lifestyle' comment because it's something that the rommate is sensitive about.  Maybe the roomie has other friends who are all, "Why do you date (fuck?) so many dudes?"

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  December 2016

  cowgirl8238 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  Me either!

  This is exactly what I was thinking.  If LW signed up for a roommate +1 that's on her, but it sounds more like they both agreed to move in and then this extra person keeps showing up, and that is grounds for a discussion in my book.

  If LW and roommate can't work this out then I think they should split and look for a different arrangement.

  If the overnight guests are causing problems (using LW's belongings, eating their food, spending time in the common areas/being there without the roommate, making it difficult for LW to get ready in the morning, whatever) then they should deal with those specific issues. But if they are coming in, spending time with the roommate, and then going into her room, I just don't see how this is a problem with the roommate's behavior. It's her space too and she can do as she pleases (or who she pleases) in it. I guess I don't see how it would be appropriate for the LW to limit how many people the roommate can have in her own room or how often?
  

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• cowgirl8238 member

  

  December 2016

  charlotte989875 said:

  cowgirl8238 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  Me either!

  This is exactly what I was thinking.  If LW signed up for a roommate +1 that's on her, but it sounds more like they both agreed to move in and then this extra person keeps showing up, and that is grounds for a discussion in my book.

  If LW and roommate can't work this out then I think they should split and look for a different arrangement.

  If the overnight guests are causing problems (using LW's belongings, eating their food, spending time in the common areas/being there without the roommate, making it difficult for LW to get ready in the morning, whatever) then they should deal with those specific issues. But if they are coming in, spending time with the roommate, and then going into her room, I just don't see how this is a problem with the roommate's behavior. It's her space too and she can do as she pleases (or who she pleases) in it. I guess I don't see how it would be appropriate for the LW to limit how many people the roommate can have in her own room or how often?
  

  I absolutely see what you are getting at, and I agree that if they are just there and in the room it isn't that big of a deal...but I also get the feeling that the LW and her roommate either didn't do a good job discussing the overnight guest "policy", or they did discuss it and the roommate is breaking it.  I think they both have a say in this regard.

  Another thing (that I thought about anyway), is how does this impact things like water usage (are these guests constantly showering and who pays for it), the parking arrangements (many places I have seen this can be limiting), and the potential to invalidate the lease.  When I was renting we were not allowed to have any overnight guests that stayed an extended amount of time (1 week per month or three weeks total I believe) without having to alert the landlord and adding them to the lease, or being on the hook for breaking said lease. 

  I am probably thinking a bit too hard on this one, but I just feel that the LW and roommate should have had a discussion on overnight guests, and if they are both on the lease then they should both get a say about how many/how often guests are allowed to be there.  I don't see a specific fault on either side, more of a lack of communication and varying expectations.

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2016

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  But I think a lot of that needs to be an understanding.
  
  I was often the 3rd roommate on the weekend for DH.   We started dating as he moved into a house he shared with two other guys.  (like, flirted for months and then hooked up after move-in day).  I don't think they "signed up" to have me there but I also think it's unreasonable to think that your roommates won't have overnight guests.   We often advise brides to budget for all single guests to be in a relationship by the time the wedding rolls around.   I'm not seeing how this is a heck of a lot different.  
  
  If it wasn't a poly lifestyle and it was the same person throughout the week would she have a different thought?
  
  Again, I think it's all in the effect it has on her.   If her dislike is emotional then I think she needs to evaluate her living experience.   If it's not, then she needs to come to her roommate with concrete issues that show how the overnight guests are having a tangible effect on the living arrangement.   If she comes home and can't park, can't shower, has excessive noise, no coffee in the morning or can't follow her normal routine, I can see those as valid complaints.  "I didn't want to have someone here," IMO isn't. 
  
  But to move in with someone and then assume that they won't have overnight guests is something that you need to clarify at the time you move in.   I think it's rather unrealistic to expect otherwise.  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  December 2016

  banana468 said

  
  Again, I think it's all in the effect it has on her.   If her dislike is emotional then I think she needs to evaluate her living experience.   If it's not, then she needs to come to her roommate with concrete issues that show how the overnight guests are having a tangible effect on the living arrangement.   If she comes home and can't park, can't shower, has excessive noise, no coffee in the morning or can't follow her normal routine, I can see those as valid complaints.  "I didn't want to have someone here," IMO isn't. 
  
  

  This is a much more succinct explanation of what I was trying to say. If it's causing problems for the LW she should address those problems specifically, but if it's just that she doesn't like having someone in the house I think that's part of the deal when you live with someone else. 
  

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• Subwayloves member

  

  December 2016 edited December 2016

  banana468 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  But I think a lot of that needs to be an understanding.
  
  I was often the 3rd roommate on the weekend for DH.   We started dating as he moved into a house he shared with two other guys.  (like, flirted for months and then hooked up after move-in day).  I don't think they "signed up" to have me there but I also think it's unreasonable to think that your roommates won't have overnight guests.   We often advise brides to budget for all single guests to be in a relationship by the time the wedding rolls around.   I'm not seeing how this is a heck of a lot different.  
  
  If it wasn't a poly lifestyle and it was the same person throughout the week would she have a different thought?
  
  Again, I think it's all in the effect it has on her.   If her dislike is emotional then I think she needs to evaluate her living experience.   If it's not, then she needs to come to her roommate with concrete issues that show how the overnight guests are having a tangible effect on the living arrangement.   If she comes home and can't park, can't shower, has excessive noise, no coffee in the morning or can't follow her normal routine, I can see those as valid complaints.  "I didn't want to have someone here," IMO isn't. 
  
  But to move in with someone and then assume that they won't have overnight guests is something that you need to clarify at the time you move in.   I think it's rather unrealistic to expect otherwise.  

  The problem is that there is someone at the apartment EVERY night. I think you staying with H on the weekends is a completely different story. If you were staying with H every night, you would basically be living with him, and I think that is completely different. I think an overnight "guest" is someone who is there maybe a couple times a week maximum, but when someone is there every day, it is another roommate.
  
  I think if LW had said it was the same BF staying the night every night, everyone would be saying he's basically living there, and it's not fair for him to freeload off of LW and roommate without paying any rent, splitting bills, etc. Just because it's not the same person every night doesn't make it fair to have another person basically living there constantly.
  
  ETA: I do think it is also a different story if it is literally JUST spending the night (coming in, going to bed with roommate, and leaving when waking the next morning). But that's not the vibe I'm getting- I'm thinking it's more there's an extra person there every night for dinner, there's an extra person getting ready and eating breakfast every morning, etc.

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• short+sassy member

  

  December 2016

  Subwayloves said:

  banana468 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  But I think a lot of that needs to be an understanding.
  
  I was often the 3rd roommate on the weekend for DH.   We started dating as he moved into a house he shared with two other guys.  (like, flirted for months and then hooked up after move-in day).  I don't think they "signed up" to have me there but I also think it's unreasonable to think that your roommates won't have overnight guests.   We often advise brides to budget for all single guests to be in a relationship by the time the wedding rolls around.   I'm not seeing how this is a heck of a lot different.  
  
  If it wasn't a poly lifestyle and it was the same person throughout the week would she have a different thought?
  
  Again, I think it's all in the effect it has on her.   If her dislike is emotional then I think she needs to evaluate her living experience.   If it's not, then she needs to come to her roommate with concrete issues that show how the overnight guests are having a tangible effect on the living arrangement.   If she comes home and can't park, can't shower, has excessive noise, no coffee in the morning or can't follow her normal routine, I can see those as valid complaints.  "I didn't want to have someone here," IMO isn't. 
  
  But to move in with someone and then assume that they won't have overnight guests is something that you need to clarify at the time you move in.   I think it's rather unrealistic to expect otherwise.  

  The problem is that there is someone at the apartment EVERY night. I think you staying with H on the weekends is a completely different story. If you were staying with H every night, you would basically be living with him, and I think that is completely different. I think an overnight "guest" is someone who is there maybe a couple times a week maximum, but when someone is there every day, it is another roommate.
  
  I think if LW had said it was the same BF staying the night every night, everyone would be saying he's basically living there, and it's not fair for him to freeload off of LW and roommate without paying any rent, splitting bills, etc. Just because it's not the same person every night doesn't make it fair to have another person basically living there constantly.
  
  ETA: I do think it is also a different story if it is literally JUST spending the night (coming in, going to bed with roommate, and leaving when waking the next morning). But that's not the vibe I'm getting- I'm thinking it's more there's an extra person there every night for dinner, there's an extra person getting ready and eating breakfast every morning, etc.

  
  This is exactly where I am coming from.  I don't think it is the RM's poly lifestyle.  I think the LW would have just as big a problem if it was a b/f who was there all the time.

  I also think that, unless discussed ahead of time, it is totally reasonable to assume that a RM will have overnight visitors.  I don't think the LW has a problem with that either.  She has a problem with the frequency of overnight visitors.  And that is an understandable and valid point to bring up.

  I never lived in a dorm, but I had a variety of roommates in college.  Sometimes I had overnight guests, sometimes they did.  This issue never came up because I never had people stay overnight more than 3ish nights a week and neither did they.  But if the frequency had been too much for me, I would have spoken up.  And would hope my RM would do the same, if the shoe was on the other foot.

  

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2016

  Subwayloves said:

  banana468 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  But I think a lot of that needs to be an understanding.
  
  I was often the 3rd roommate on the weekend for DH.   We started dating as he moved into a house he shared with two other guys.  (like, flirted for months and then hooked up after move-in day).  I don't think they "signed up" to have me there but I also think it's unreasonable to think that your roommates won't have overnight guests.   We often advise brides to budget for all single guests to be in a relationship by the time the wedding rolls around.   I'm not seeing how this is a heck of a lot different.  
  
  If it wasn't a poly lifestyle and it was the same person throughout the week would she have a different thought?
  
  Again, I think it's all in the effect it has on her.   If her dislike is emotional then I think she needs to evaluate her living experience.   If it's not, then she needs to come to her roommate with concrete issues that show how the overnight guests are having a tangible effect on the living arrangement.   If she comes home and can't park, can't shower, has excessive noise, no coffee in the morning or can't follow her normal routine, I can see those as valid complaints.  "I didn't want to have someone here," IMO isn't. 
  
  But to move in with someone and then assume that they won't have overnight guests is something that you need to clarify at the time you move in.   I think it's rather unrealistic to expect otherwise.  

  The problem is that there is someone at the apartment EVERY night. I think you staying with H on the weekends is a completely different story. If you were staying with H every night, you would basically be living with him, and I think that is completely different. I think an overnight "guest" is someone who is there maybe a couple times a week maximum, but when someone is there every day, it is another roommate.
  
  I think if LW had said it was the same BF staying the night every night, everyone would be saying he's basically living there, and it's not fair for him to freeload off of LW and roommate without paying any rent, splitting bills, etc. Just because it's not the same person every night doesn't make it fair to have another person basically living there constantly.
  
  ETA: I do think it is also a different story if it is literally JUST spending the night (coming in, going to bed with roommate, and leaving when waking the next morning). But that's not the vibe I'm getting- I'm thinking it's more there's an extra person there every night for dinner, there's an extra person getting ready and eating breakfast every morning, etc.

  That's why I think she needs to talk about concrete issues.   If it's just "I don't like that there are different people here every day," I think that's a weak platform and it's hard to make a strong case for effecting change.
  
  If she says, "This affects my morning shower time, bathroom routine, ability to have a fresh cup of coffee, morning banana, or ability to sing "Walkin' On Sunshine" in the shower," then it might be easier.
  
  I'm not saying that I'd like this or would be OK with it - but it's hard to try to tell the roommate how often she's allowed to have overnight guests when you're not a parent and you're both adults who should feel that they can do what they want.   
  
  The point is that the roommate's actions need to have a tangible effect on the other.   Without that, it's "feelings" and if they're just roommates then I don't think that you can use feelings as an answer.

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  December 2016

  mrsconn23 said:

  cowgirl8238 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  Me either!

  This is exactly what I was thinking.  If LW signed up for a roommate +1 that's on her, but it sounds more like they both agreed to move in and then this extra person keeps showing up, and that is grounds for a discussion in my book.

  If LW and roommate can't work this out then I think they should split and look for a different arrangement.

  Agreed with both of you.  And that's basically what Prudie said.  
  
  I do wonder if the LW brought up the 'poly lifestyle' comment because it's something that the rommate is sensitive about.  Maybe the roomie has other friends who are all, "Why do you date (fuck?) so many dudes?"

  It's the "multiple sexual partners" part that makes me feel like she's judging the roommate. 

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2016

  I agree with PP's that "overnight guest" implies infrequent stints in the apartment, so if this rotation of people are present daily, they are de facto additional roommates.
  
  I also agree with PP that LW needs to be specific with her room mate about why the present conditions irk her- There are constantly ppl in the apartment, I feel I have no privacy, etc.
  
  However, if the LW signed the lease and agreed to share the apartment with her room mate under the assumption that 1+1=2 and off and on 3, but not that 1+1=3+ daily, then that's a valid concern and she should discuss this with her room mate. . . and then start looking for a one bedroom.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  December 2016

  DrillSergeantCat said:

  mrsconn23 said:

  cowgirl8238 said:

  short+sassy said:

  I respectfully disagree with most of you.  I didn't get a judgy tone from the LW.  And I think she should talk to her roommate about too many overnight guests.  Not necessarily that her roommie can't EVER have an overnight guest, but they can discuss what are fair limits...that would apply to both of them.

  To me, their agreement is that they will be roommates.  With the TWO of them living in the apartment.  It's wholly inappropriate for the roommate to essentially move a "3rd person" in...whether that 3rd person is a monogamous b/f, a BFF on hard times, or a "3rd person" who is constantly there, it's just not always the same one. 

  Me either!

  This is exactly what I was thinking.  If LW signed up for a roommate +1 that's on her, but it sounds more like they both agreed to move in and then this extra person keeps showing up, and that is grounds for a discussion in my book.

  If LW and roommate can't work this out then I think they should split and look for a different arrangement.

  Agreed with both of you.  And that's basically what Prudie said.  
  
  I do wonder if the LW brought up the 'poly lifestyle' comment because it's something that the rommate is sensitive about.  Maybe the roomie has other friends who are all, "Why do you date (fuck?) so many dudes?"

  It's the "multiple sexual partners" part that makes me feel like she's judging the roommate. 

   Yes, but she also said it's like 'having an extra roommate' every few days.  Which leads me to believe these dudes are out and about in their place and just...there and she feels the pressure to interact with them? IDK, the LW didn't write a long enough letter to get a handle on how she really feels.  
  
  I bet the truth is somewhere in the middle.  She is a little judgy, but also feels that her home/personal space is invaded by a carousel of dudes. She needs to focus on the latter and keep the former to herself (if that's the case).  The problem is that once the cat's out of the bag, it's hard to put it back in without LW coming across as the problem.  So again, probably time for a new living situation.  

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• kahluakoala member

  

  December 2016

  I think LW mentions it being multiple people because it changes the approach. Like, if roommate had one individual who was staying over every night, LW feels like she would say "Hey your BF / GF needs to pay a portion of rent/ utilities", but since it is multiple people, the LW doesn't have 1 person to address since there's no individual impeding her personal space, it's the fact that there's always someone there that's the problem.
  
  She needs to talk to her roommate, obviously. I think it's a reasonable thing to approach, but if the roommate is not amendable, I think that's also her right too and the living situation needs to be readdressed.

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2016

  KahluaKoala said:

  I think LW mentions it being multiple people because it changes the approach. Like, if roommate had one individual who was staying over every night, LW feels like she would say "Hey your BF / GF needs to pay a portion of rent/ utilities", but since it is multiple people, the LW doesn't have 1 person to address since there's no individual impeding her personal space, it's the fact that there's always someone there that's the problem.
  
  She needs to talk to her roommate, obviously. I think it's a reasonable thing to approach, but if the roommate is not amendable, I think that's also her right too and the living situation needs to be readdressed.

  The roommate's 2 or 3 BFs/GFs can split the rent/utilities among themselves, lol!
  
  This was my take on why the LW mentioned the poly aspect, I didn't think she was being judgy.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  December 2016

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  KahluaKoala said:

  I think LW mentions it being multiple people because it changes the approach. Like, if roommate had one individual who was staying over every night, LW feels like she would say "Hey your BF / GF needs to pay a portion of rent/ utilities", but since it is multiple people, the LW doesn't have 1 person to address since there's no individual impeding her personal space, it's the fact that there's always someone there that's the problem.
  
  She needs to talk to her roommate, obviously. I think it's a reasonable thing to approach, but if the roommate is not amendable, I think that's also her right too and the living situation needs to be readdressed.

  The roommate's 2 or 3 BFs/GFs can split the rent/utilities among themselves, lol!
  
  This was my take on why the LW mentioned the poly aspect, I didn't think she was being judgy.
  

  I think it's hard to tell from the letter, but if they are not using any utilities beyond what the roommate is using then I don't see how either request (to pay rent/utilities) would be appropriate. If the guests are using kitchen/shower/laundry/TV/common space beyond what the roommate is I definitely agree the LW should speak up about those concerns. Or if the roommate is constantly having dates in the dining room/living room/kitchen impeding the LW from using those spaces. But if the guests are coming in with the roommate, staying the night in her room, and leaving again in the morning, it just sounds like LW is uncomfortable with the roommate's lifestyle. But again, it's hard to tell from the letter.
  
  Unless it's in their lease agreement that there are limited guests or guests only on certain nights, I guess I don't see how the roommate is doing anything wrong. She's using the room she pays for as she wants to. Sure, LW can talk to her, but I just don't think the roommate is doing anything wrong.
  

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• lnixon8 member

  

  December 2016

  Doesn't poly usually mean more like a SO? Totally assuming here but if she has 5 SO's, even if they each only come over once a week that could mean making meals, dishes, toiletries, showers, laundry- so extra roomate 5 days a week. Maybe she included poly because its not just a random person from the bar or tinder that leaves fairly quickly.

  
  
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  December 2016

  charlotte989875 said:

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  KahluaKoala said:

  I think LW mentions it being multiple people because it changes the approach. Like, if roommate had one individual who was staying over every night, LW feels like she would say "Hey your BF / GF needs to pay a portion of rent/ utilities", but since it is multiple people, the LW doesn't have 1 person to address since there's no individual impeding her personal space, it's the fact that there's always someone there that's the problem.
  
  She needs to talk to her roommate, obviously. I think it's a reasonable thing to approach, but if the roommate is not amendable, I think that's also her right too and the living situation needs to be readdressed.

  The roommate's 2 or 3 BFs/GFs can split the rent/utilities among themselves, lol!
  
  This was my take on why the LW mentioned the poly aspect, I didn't think she was being judgy.
  

  I think it's hard to tell from the letter, but if they are not using any utilities beyond what the roommate is using then I don't see how either request (to pay rent/utilities) would be appropriate. If the guests are using kitchen/shower/laundry/TV/common space beyond what the roommate is I definitely agree the LW should speak up about those concerns. Or if the roommate is constantly having dates in the dining room/living room/kitchen impeding the LW from using those spaces. But if the guests are coming in with the roommate, staying the night in her room, and leaving again in the morning, it just sounds like LW is uncomfortable with the roommate's lifestyle. But again, it's hard to tell from the letter.
  
  Unless it's in their lease agreement that there are limited guests or guests only on certain nights, I guess I don't see how the roommate is doing anything wrong. She's using the room she pays for as she wants to. Sure, LW can talk to her, but I just don't think the roommate is doing anything wrong.
  

  The LW stated that "It’s the same people each week, and I have met them all, so it’s not like strangers are sleeping over, but it’s starting to feel like I have an extra roommate with a different name every few days.This isn’t a typical “my roommate’s boyfriend sleeps over every night and should pay rent” scenario."
  
  That's the part that has me and some other PPs assuming these people aren't just coming over at night, getting busy with the roommate, staying in her room, and then leaving inconspicuously in the morning.
  
  But the LW didn't really specify, so you could be right as well.
  
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2016

  The entire letter is really ambiguous.
  
  When I would crash at DH's for the weekend, I can get that I didn't have dibs on watching Food Network over their desire for other channels.   I can even get behind the concept that the sex noises through a wall that isn't sound proofed are annoying.
  
  But you can't make it about the "multiple people".   You have to make it about how their presence impacts the living arrangement. 

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• kahluakoala member

  

  December 2016

  When I first started dating my SO, we started our work days about an hour apart (like, he had to be in before 8 and I was typically coming in at 9/9:30). After a few sleepovers where I stayed after he left and relaxed in his room or something, his roommate asked that I not be there when he (my SO) wasn't home. Did we both think it was kind of a silly request? Yeah, we did - why would it bother roommate that I spent an extra hour in their home, locked up, and turned off the lights before I left, but it did so we stopped. I got a lot of kudos for coming into work early a few times a week
  
  Anyway, I think as a roommate you have a right to request reasonable considerations - and a lot of those relate to guests. I defintiely didn't stay over enough that warranted rent / utilities payment, but I made a point here or there to come over with a big thing of paper towels or dish soap or something I'd notice they were running low on.

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  December 2016

  @KahluaKoala it would bother me, too, knowing you had a key to the apartment. (I'm assuming you had a key since you locked up)
  

  

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• kahluakoala member

  

  December 2016

  @DrillSergeantCat
  I didn't actually, I would just lock the door from the inside on the way out. Roommate actually worked the night shift and wasn't going anywhere in the morning. Anyway, the point of my story is, we did this thing we thought was reasonable (I chilled in BFs room for about an hour extra in the morning), roommate didn't think it was OK, and even though we thought it was a bit silly, we adjusted. Then when his lease was up we got our own place together and now we make our own rules. Point is, LW won't know if her roommate will accommodate until she asks. 

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• DrillSergeantCat member

  

  December 2016

  KahluaKoala said:

  @DrillSergeantCat
  I didn't actually, I would just lock the door from the inside on the way out. Roommate actually worked the night shift and wasn't going anywhere in the morning. Anyway, the point of my story is, we did this thing we thought was reasonable (I chilled in BFs room for about an hour extra in the morning), roommate didn't think it was OK, and even though we thought it was a bit silly, we adjusted. Then when his lease was up we got our own place together and now we make our own rules. Point is, LW won't know if her roommate will accommodate until she asks. 

  Gotcha. My apartment only had a deadbolt, so you had to have a key to lock up. LW definitely needs to talk to roommate about her expectations. 

  

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