Etiquette

Not Inviting a Relative's Spouse

edited January 2 in Etiquette
My fiancé does not like his cousin's wife. He has stated multiple times that he doesn't want to invite her to the wedding. From what I understand she hasn't done anything to him specifically, he just think she's a nasty, rude woman. I think his cousin would possibly still come, even if his wife isn't invited.

Being that the invitation is coming from my parents saying "Mr. and Mrs. … request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter" won't that come across as if we don't want her there?

I personally don't care if she is there or not as I've only met her twice, but I find it awkward/rude not to invite her. I don't think she would cause any drama. What is the proper etiquette? Should I just include her anyway? I don't want to go against my fiancé's wishes, but I don't want to be the cause of further drama either.

**UPDATE to original post**:
I misunderstood my fiancé. (While he's not a fan of his cousin's wife, she is invited.) It is a business partner/friend's wife who he doesn't want invited. She has said some nasty things about my fiancé and his family, and I can't fault him for not wanting her there. I've never met her.

He talked to his business partner about it when we got engaged, and he understands. (Sadly, his BP's marriage is not a healthy/happy one. I'm only saying that because others assumed her being excluded would cause a rift in the relationship between my fiancé and his business partner, or the BP's marriage.) I think I have to side with my fiancé on this one. We shouldn't feel obligated to pay for/invite someone to our wedding when they've insulted the groom, simply because they're still married to one of the invited guests.

I don't feel I need to be defensive here. I just didn't want people jumping to conclusions about my fiancé as it seems the responses I got were quite heated.

Thanks!

Re: Not Inviting a Relative's Spouse

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 2
    The only etiquette that applies here is that if the cousin is invited, the wife must also be invited as they are a social unit. If you do and they attend, she must be treated graciously and not snubbed.

    That said, you don't have to tolerate nastiness from her. If she is rude at the wedding, I'd ignore her unless she makes a scene or the situation gets otherwise out of hand, in which case a venue staffer or security personnel can ask her to leave and escort her away. But you do not owe her any more attention than a polite hello and thanks for coming if she and your FI's cousin are invited and attend.
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    My fiancé does not like his cousin's wife. He has stated multiple times that he doesn't want to invite her to the wedding. From what I understand she hasn't done anything to him specifically, he just think she's a nasty, rude woman. I think his cousin would possibly still come, even if his wife isn't invited.

    Being that the invitation is coming from my parents saying "Mr. and Mrs. … request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter" won't that come across as if we don't want her there?

    I personally don't care if she is there or not as I've only met her twice, but I find it awkward/rude not to invite her. I don't think she would cause any drama. What is the proper etiquette? Should I just include her anyway? I don't want to go against my fiancé's wishes, but I don't want to be the cause of further drama either.
    What your FI wants to do is very rude.  Any people in a relationship need to be invited together.  Does your FI realize how he may effect his relationship with his cousin?  Does your FI also realize that he will only have to interact with the cousin's wife for less than a minute while doing either table visits or the receiving line?  Does your FI also realize that the impact of this snub could travel throughout the family?  Yes, your parents are sending out the invites, but when cousin calls and asks about wife, what will your FI say?  Oh, I hate your wife so I didn't want her invited?  Then he talks to his parents and then his parents talk to your FI's parents, etc.  

    The only acceptable reason to not invite a couple together to an event is that the person left off the invitation has tried to break up the B&G, has been violent in the past, or could potentially steal things from your guests.
    InLoveInQueens
  • jacques27jacques27
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
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    edited January 2
    Significant others get invited - they are a social unit.  How would he feel if your friends or family excluded him from invitations because they decided they didn't like him?  Would he be ok with his friends and family excluding you from things if they decide they don't much care for you?

    It's rude to ask people to come celebrate your love and commitment and then refuse to acknowledge the love and commitment of your guests by excluding their significant other.  So either invite them both or invite neither.  Unless you're having an extremely small wedding, the amount of actual time you'll have to spend with this woman is likely very small.  You'll be busy with all of your guests, pictures, etc. 
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • You can't invite the cousin without inviting his wife, unless she poses a serious threat/danger to anyone else at the wedding. Your FI not liking her isn't a good enough reason. The reality is that you guys don't have to have any interaction with this woman other than thanking her for coming to the wedding. Surely your FI can handle that.
    image
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • **UPDATE to original post**:

    I misunderstood my fiancé. (While he's not a fan of his cousin's wife, she is invited.) It is a business partner/friend's wife who he doesn't want invited. She has said some nasty things about my fiancé and his family, and I can't fault him for not wanting her there. I've never met her.

    He talked to his business partner about it when we got engaged, and he understands. (Sadly, his BP's marriage is not a healthy/happy one. I'm only saying that because others assumed her being excluded would cause a rift in the relationship between my fiancé and his business partner, or the BP's marriage.) I think I have to side with my fiancé on this one. We shouldn't feel obligated to pay for/invite someone to our wedding when they've insulted the groom, simply because they're still married to one of the invited guests.

    I don't feel I need to be defensive here. I just didn't want people jumping to conclusions about my fiancé as it seems the responses I got were quite heated.

    Thanks!
  • **UPDATE to original post**:

    I misunderstood my fiancé. (While he's not a fan of his cousin's wife, she is invited.) It is a business partner/friend's wife who he doesn't want invited. She has said some nasty things about my fiancé and his family, and I can't fault him for not wanting her there. I've never met her.

    He talked to his business partner about it when we got engaged, and he understands. (Sadly, his BP's marriage is not a healthy/happy one. I'm only saying that because others assumed her being excluded would cause a rift in the relationship between my fiancé and his business partner, or the BP's marriage.) I think I have to side with my fiancé on this one. We shouldn't feel obligated to pay for/invite someone to our wedding when they've insulted the groom, simply because they're still married to one of the invited guests.

    I don't feel I need to be defensive here. I just didn't want people jumping to conclusions about my fiancé as it seems the responses I got were quite heated.

    Thanks!
    Grounds to not invite the coworker's wife would be if she's ever assaulted or seriously threatened him or another guest who will be in attendance.  Being nasty isn't justification.  As PP have stated, he'll see this woman for a few minutes, tops.

    If the coworker and his wife do have a poor marriage, maybe she won't attend? My DH hated his GM's girlfriend at the time of our wedding...we obviously invited her, but she declined (GM didn't want her there- they've since broken up).  
    DrillSergeantCatSP29InLoveInQueenscharlotte989875
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 2
    **UPDATE to original post**:

    I misunderstood my fiancé. (While he's not a fan of his cousin's wife, she is invited.) It is a business partner/friend's wife who he doesn't want invited. She has said some nasty things about my fiancé and his family, and I can't fault him for not wanting her there. I've never met her.

    He talked to his business partner about it when we got engaged, and he understands. (Sadly, his BP's marriage is not a healthy/happy one. I'm only saying that because others assumed her being excluded would cause a rift in the relationship between my fiancé and his business partner, or the BP's marriage.) I think I have to side with my fiancé on this one. We shouldn't feel obligated to pay for/invite someone to our wedding when they've insulted the groom, simply because they're still married to one of the invited guests.

    I don't feel I need to be defensive here. I just didn't want people jumping to conclusions about my fiancé as it seems the responses I got were quite heated.

    Thanks!
    Your FI's still being rude by inviting one half of a social unit without their spouse. Doesn't matter whether they're related or not.  It's indefensible.
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Maybe your FI should be the bigger person and show the BP's wife that his family really isn't as bad as she thinks they are.  This will only add fuel to her fire against FI and his family.
    MairePoppy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    It's still rude and tacky. You and your FI are way in the wrong in not inviting her. So she said some things about your FI. Why not be the bigger person and invite her? 

    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueens
  • Sorry, but the rule about inviting SO's still stands. Inviting her is the right thing to do. If she finds your fiance's family that terrible, then she doesn't have to attend. But you guys have to be the bigger people here.
    image
    DrillSergeantCatOliveOilsMomSP29InLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    My fiancé does not like his cousin's wife. He has stated multiple times that he doesn't want to invite her to the wedding. From what I understand she hasn't done anything to him specifically, he just think she's a nasty, rude woman. I think his cousin would possibly still come, even if his wife isn't invited.

    Being that the invitation is coming from my parents saying "Mr. and Mrs. … request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter" won't that come across as if we don't want her there?

    I personally don't care if she is there or not as I've only met her twice, but I find it awkward/rude not to invite her. I don't think she would cause any drama. What is the proper etiquette? Should I just include her anyway? I don't want to go against my fiancé's wishes, but I don't want to be the cause of further drama either.

    **UPDATE to original post**:
    I misunderstood my fiancé. (While he's not a fan of his cousin's wife, she is invited.) It is a business partner/friend's wife who he doesn't want invited. She has said some nasty things about my fiancé and his family, and I can't fault him for not wanting her there. I've never met her.

    He talked to his business partner about it when we got engaged, and he understands. (Sadly, his BP's marriage is not a healthy/happy one. I'm only saying that because others assumed her being excluded would cause a rift in the relationship between my fiancé and his business partner, or the BP's marriage.) I think I have to side with my fiancé on this one. We shouldn't feel obligated to pay for/invite someone to our wedding when they've insulted the groom, simply because they're still married to one of the invited guests.

    I don't feel I need to be defensive here. I just didn't want people jumping to conclusions about my fiancé as it seems the responses I got were quite heated.

    Thanks!

    Doesn't matter.  Be the bigger people,plan on inviting her.  You have no idea what the future holds.   This unhappy marriage can become happy again and it could cause a rift between your FI and his business partner.  Not something I would risk.

     If it's still unhappy, then she might not even be in the picture anymore or might not come at all.


    2 wrongs do not make a right.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    DrillSergeantCatOliveOilsMomSP29InLoveInQueens
  • Mehhh...I'll be the odd one out. I agree with OP. Why on earth would you want someone who has insulted your fiancé and his family at your wedding? Life is too short to deal with horrid people. 

    Dont invite the business partner or his wife. Problem solved. If his business partner has a problem with it, then your fiancé can have a frank talk about why, and say he didn't feel right inviting just BP without wife. BP can then state he would like to come anyways (sans wife) if he so chooses. BP's the one with the crazy wife. Everyone says "you don't know their marriage" but I'll bet you a dollar that BP has been passed up on social events before because of his wife (and he knows it). 
    shainaryan
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Mehhh...I'll be the odd one out. I agree with OP. Why on earth would you want someone who has insulted your fiancé and his family at your wedding? Life is too short to deal with horrid people. 

    Dont invite the business partner or his wife. Problem solved. If his business partner has a problem with it, then your fiancé can have a frank talk about why, and say he didn't feel right inviting just BP without wife. BP can then state he would like to come anyways (sans wife) if he so chooses. BP's the one with the crazy wife. Everyone says "you don't know their marriage" but I'll bet you a dollar that BP has been passed up on social events before because of his wife (and he knows it). 
    That is what we all suggest.  Either both or neither.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    DrillSergeantCateileenrobSP29
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Mehhh...I'll be the odd one out. I agree with OP. Why on earth would you want someone who has insulted your fiancé and his family at your wedding? Life is too short to deal with horrid people. 

    Dont invite the business partner or his wife. Problem solved. If his business partner has a problem with it, then your fiancé can have a frank talk about why, and say he didn't feel right inviting just BP without wife. BP can then state he would like to come anyways (sans wife) if he so chooses. BP's the one with the crazy wife. Everyone says "you don't know their marriage" but I'll bet you a dollar that BP has been passed up on social events before because of his wife (and he knows it). 
    Which is the consequence of being married to someone who is rude and generally inappropriate in social settings.
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