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Picking kids in wedding party?

Knottie58cbad691c6bc539Knottie58cbad691c6bc539 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My FI and I have several grown siblings with their own family's and young kids on both sides of our family's.  Is it ok to only select one niece or nephew to be ring bearer and flower girl?  My brother got married two years ago and he felt pretty much "expected" to include all kids in the wedding. So he did and it was chaos. I love them but don't want lots of kids in the wedding party but also don't want family drama.  
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Re: Picking kids in wedding party?

  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I was 7 when my mother's youngest brother got married (to a woman with lots of older siblings herself), they had like 20 nieces and nephews...no one's going to have a parade of kids, so they chose one kid from each side as FG and RB.  I remember not caring at all, and everyone else seemed good too.  What's your and your FI's family like?  There are no big deal people and mountain out of a molehill people.  If you think picking some but not all will cause WW3, I'd forgo the FG and RB altogether.  You know your family best.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Have you already asked these kids to be in your wedding party?  If so, you really can't un-ask them.




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  • Knottie58cbad691c6bc539Knottie58cbad691c6bc539 member
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    We haven't asked them yet. But we just want 1 kid for each job. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
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    Knottie58cbad691c6bc539 said:
    We haven't asked them yet. But we just want 1 kid for each job. 
    See that's the thing. They're not jobs - they're not getting paid - and they're not essential. They are ways to honor children with whom you are close. If you're close with all of them, include all of them. If you're close with none of them, don't have a flower girl or ring bearer. The positions "looking cute" is not a good enough reason.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    You can ask whoever you want - one kid for each role is fine. 

    However, you know your family. If it's going to turn into some family politics soap opera, I would probably just not have a ring bearer or flower girl at all. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
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    image
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    When we got married, DH had 15 nieces and nephews ranging in age from late 20s to infant.  I didn't have any.  We decided it made the most sense to only ask his godchildren to participate as he had closer relationships with those children and it was easy to explain to the adults involved.  

    Could you use a similar level of closeness?  If not, I'm all for not having any kids participate.  If you want to have the kids feel special, you could take a special picture with them.
    image
    Anniversary


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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2017
    Flower girls and ring bearers are not required at all.  If you don't have a ring bearer, there will be no problem.
    To include a child in your wedding, you simply invite them as guests, with their parents, of course.
    My daughter had a special kiddie dance at her reception.  The Hokey Pokey works well, and it is a great photo op!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2017
    I have 7 nieces and nephews and had them all to avoid any hurt feelings.  But that was more my family and the fact 5 of the 7 were only 18 months apart, spread over 3 families.  Hard to pick and choose.


    In your case I would skip the FG/RB roles.   Depending on the kids ages it might be more of a PITA than it's worth, let alone any potential hurt feelings.


    ETA - also remember that those same kids are 2 years older, maybe even older depending on when your wedding will be.  I wouldn't exclude something a kid did at 4 when they would be 6+ by your wedding.      doesn't mean you need to ask them all, just giving another prospective. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Knottie73470683228865cdKnottie73470683228865cd member
    First Comment
    My FI and I have several grown siblings with their own family's and young kids on both sides of our family's.  Is it ok to only select one niece or nephew to be ring bearer and flower girl?  My brother got married two years ago and he felt pretty much "expected" to include all kids in the wedding. So he did and it was chaos. I love them but don't want lots of kids in the wedding party but also don't want family drama.  
    Yes, yes it is. It's your wedding.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    holyguacamole79 said:
    Take this for what it's worth ........

    Some family friends got married when I was growing up.  They asked my sister to be the flower girl (probably bc she was cute).  I was the guest book attendant.

    A year or so later (or before?  I can't remember), my grandfather got remarried.  My sister was the flower girl and I was an altar server.

    I felt pretty damn slighted.  
    This. Even if the family isn't going to start a hooplah about it, I can see it being hurtful to pick one kid over the others if you aren't truly closer to the chosen kids. Maybe it's childish, but kids are supposed to be childish. 

    No, not everything needs to center around how a kid is going to react to it, but as an aunt who is very close with my niece and nephew, I would never want to hurt their feelings.  
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