Wedding Party

RESOLVED - thanks

edited January 2017 in Wedding Party
**EDITED TO ADD- Thanks for your input everyone - situation has been resolved before most of you posted, oops! I don't know how to delete this post or close it or whatever, so I thought I'd just write this blurb**

Okay, I know I might get some bad reactions about this - people are going to think I'm selfish, whatever. I'm hoping to find out if anyone else has been in this situation and what they have done. 

An acquaintance of my Fiance (they used to be friends but haven't talked often in the past few years) got engaged this winter. Knowing full well when our wedding is (October of this year, save the dates already sent etc), they decided to have their wedding two weeks before ours, and ask my fiance to be a groomsman (one of 7). This friend is not in my fiance's wedding party, as they are not super close and we wanted to keep it small.

SO. My concerns are:
1) COST of being a groomsman. They are having a stag and doe, and bachelor party, which of course he will have to financially contribute to. I have recently returned to full time education and am not working, and we have to pay our mortgage, pay for our wedding and I feel that it just might not be financially feasible. Also, their wedding, stag and doe and bachelor party are out of town and will require hotel stays.

2) Time commitment - the time it takes to plan events for someone else's wedding will cut into our planning IMHO, not to mention, we'll be doing all the last minute stuff two weeks before ours, and I don't want to have to do all that myself.

3) I don't always like to discuss this, but I have pretty severe social anxiety. Enough that the idea of sitting by myself with nobody that I know is ALREADY causing me huge stress. I only know the bride and groom (not very well) and the groom's cousin (who is best man) and his wife, who I will not be sitting with as she is 'family'. I don't easily converse with strangers, and that feeling of being 'left out' and having to fend for myself all day while they're getting ready gives me a lot of stress.


He was best man for his best friend last year, and I was seated with my Fiance's parents so it wasn't as bad, but I was purposefully excluded (not even allowed in our hotel room because the boys were getting ready). I know how I am and know I won't enjoy myself if I go the way things are. I feel bad asking him to just be a guest, but if he does end up being a groomsman, I'm not sure I'll be comfortable enough to go.

Yes I know I'm an adult, yes I know you'll tell me to 'suck it up'. So no need to share that opinion. Looking more for productive suggestions. SORRY for the wall of text, and thanks in advance!

Re: RESOLVED - thanks

  • edited January 2017
    That's a good idea - I genuinely think he doesn't understand how much of a cost and time commitment those two are, because the wedding he was in last year didn't have either. I think he just really feels obliged to participate.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I think you need to talk to your FI about your concerns -- some of which are valid but some of which are not.

    Your concerns about costs and being left alone at the other wedding are valid. It was incredibly rude of that couple not to seat you together. But ultimately it's not up to you whether or not your FI is a groomsman in another wedding. As POs note, that's his decision to make and you're not entitled to input.

    You can ask him to tell the groom (if, only if and when it becomes an issue) that his time and money are limited and that he can only do X. You can also express your concern to him (for him to pass on to the couple if, only if and when necessary) that it's not okay for them to expect you to spend most of the day apart from each other. But beyond that, yes, you need to suck it up.
    short+sassydrid
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Okay, I know I might get some bad reactions about this - people are going to think I'm selfish, whatever. I'm hoping to find out if anyone else has been in this situation and what they have done. 

    An acquaintance of my Fiance (they used to be friends but haven't talked often in the past few years) got engaged this winter. Knowing full well when our wedding is (October of this year, save the dates already sent etc), they decided to have their wedding two weeks before ours, and ask my fiance to be a groomsman (one of 7). This friend is not in my fiance's wedding party, as they are not super close and we wanted to keep it small.

    SO. My concerns are:
    1) COST of being a groomsman. They are having a stag and doe, and bachelor party, which of course he will have to financially contribute to. I have recently returned to full time education and am not working, and we have to pay our mortgage, pay for our wedding and I feel that it just might not be financially feasible. Also, their wedding, stag and doe and bachelor party are out of town and will require hotel stays.

    2) Time commitment - the time it takes to plan events for someone else's wedding will cut into our planning IMHO, not to mention, we'll be doing all the last minute stuff two weeks before ours, and I don't want to have to do all that myself.

    3) I don't always like to discuss this, but I have pretty severe social anxiety. Enough that the idea of sitting by myself with nobody that I know is ALREADY causing me huge stress. I only know the bride and groom (not very well) and the groom's cousin (who is best man) and his wife, who I will not be sitting with as she is 'family'. I don't easily converse with strangers, and that feeling of being 'left out' and having to fend for myself all day while they're getting ready gives me a lot of stress.


    He was best man for his best friend last year, and I was seated with my Fiance's parents so it wasn't as bad, but I was purposefully excluded (not even allowed in our hotel room because the boys were getting ready). I know how I am and know I won't enjoy myself if I go the way things are. I feel bad asking him to just be a guest, but if he does end up being a groomsman, I'm not sure I'll be comfortable enough to go.

    Yes I know I'm an adult, yes I know you'll tell me to 'suck it up'. So no need to share that opinion. Looking more for productive suggestions. SORRY for the wall of text, and thanks in advance!
    1. At my wedding, I had two bridal showers and a bachelorette. Two of my bridesmaids were out of town and missed one of the showers and the bachelorette. No biggy. If your fiance can not afford to contribute to these pre-wedding parties, he should not feel obligated to. He is also free to say, "I can contribute this much." He is not required to split the bill seven ways regardless of how much it is. If he wants, his cost can be no more than buying a suit (within the budget he gives to the groom) and one trip to the wedding and a hotel stay.

    2. See above. Your fiance does not have to help plan these parties. It's nice if he could help out a little bit with some things, but it's not a requirement of being a groomsman.

    3. Do you know they plan to seat you apart? This is poor etiquette on their part if so. Can your fiance talk to them about that? Also, especially if you think you can't afford it, you don't have to go. A few years back, my H went alone to an out-of-state wedding to be a groomsman and I stayed home.

    As for the hotel room, if you go, your fiance should tell the groom, if he's looking for rooms to get ready in, that your room is not available.

    I think the finances thing is a legitimate concern that you and your fiance should discuss to decide if it's affordable for him or both of you to go. But, as I and other posters pointed out, at least some of your issues can be easily dealt with to make the cost substantially less. And you not going, especially if they plan to seat you apart, is a fine decision to make that would make the cost even less.

    charlotte989875short+sassycowgirl8238
  • Thanks for your input everyone - situation has been resolved before most of you posted, oops!

  • Thanks for your input everyone - situation has been resolved before most of you posted, oops!

    Good! What ended up happening?
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Thanks for your input everyone - situation has been resolved before most of you posted, oops!

    Good! What ended up happening?
    We just had to have another conversation about it. We've talked about it a few times and he had pretty much decided, but surprised me with the fact that he had changed his mind last night. 

    We went out for lunch today and chatted and he's really on the fence. He says he would feel bad bailing on his friend, but at the same time, doesn't want to do it. He's finally realized how much of a commitment it is.  We apparently wouldn't be staying over, I'd be driving us home afterwards, and if we have to arrive early for him to get ready with the boys, I'll be sitting in my truck for hours until the ceremony. So the logistics don't really work well in our favour. 

    I told him if he really wants to do it, and he asks the groom if he can sit with me instead of at the head table I'd attend, but if not I'd probably stay at home. I don't want him to have a crap time if I'm there being grumpy. 

    However, he said he really doesn't want to participate, he's just not sure how to communicate that to his friend. He's actually too nice.
  • If I was in your FI's shoes, I'd pass, but because this isn't a person he seems close to.  If he'd like to stand up with his friend but isn't interested in/can't afford the pre-wedding parties, he can just pass on them.  
    I'm going to assume based on your question that you and your FI don't know this, but- WP members  only responsibilities are to show up at your ceremony on time, in the agreed on attire.  
    SP29
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Thanks for your input everyone - situation has been resolved before most of you posted, oops!

    Good! What ended up happening?
    We just had to have another conversation about it. We've talked about it a few times and he had pretty much decided, but surprised me with the fact that he had changed his mind last night. 

    We went out for lunch today and chatted and he's really on the fence. He says he would feel bad bailing on his friend, but at the same time, doesn't want to do it. He's finally realized how much of a commitment it is.  We apparently wouldn't be staying over, I'd be driving us home afterwards, and if we have to arrive early for him to get ready with the boys, I'll be sitting in my truck for hours until the ceremony. So the logistics don't really work well in our favour. 

    I told him if he really wants to do it, and he asks the groom if he can sit with me instead of at the head table I'd attend, but if not I'd probably stay at home. I don't want him to have a crap time if I'm there being grumpy. 

    However, he said he really doesn't want to participate, he's just not sure how to communicate that to his friend. He's actually too nice.
    He can just tell the guy that he has other commitments and unfortunately he won't be able to. That makes it seem less personal - "oh, he's already committed to other things, nothing to be done about that."

    And you can't close a post. It's meant to be left up so anyone else with a similar question can learn from it. Thanks for not deleting the content, like some try - that's considered rude.

    Anniversary

    short+sassyInLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • Changing the title of your post is a bad move.  It will now attract a lot of attention from those of us who want to see what all the drama was about.  It reflects very poorly on you.  You should have left it alone.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • It's not too late for her to change it back, though, is it?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • edited February 2017
    CMGragain said:
    Changing the title of your post is a bad move.  It will now attract a lot of attention from those of us who want to see what all the drama was about.  It reflects very poorly on you.  You should have left it alone.
    This is really unnecessary. She responded politely to advice, is new around here, and didn't delete her post. It does not reflect poorly on her that she didn't know that particular custom. 
    I agree. She didn't DD, she's new, and no one mentioned it's good to leave posts up for lurkers. 

    Some of your comments have been pretty harsh lately @CMGragain. You have good etiquette advice, but I think it gets ignored at times because of your method of delivery. 

    ETA: @MissMaddieGH, we recommend people don't delete or completely change their posts because it allows other new posters or "lurkers" that might have similar questions or issues to find advice, too. Stick around!
    redoryxjustsie
  • Fair enough.  Thank you.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    charlotte989875ernursejLadyCatherineDB
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