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Decline to be sister's bridesmaid?

vikinganna87vikinganna87 member
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in Chit Chat
Hope you're all doing well out there. My youngest sister is getting married for the second time--- both are destination weddings. I was in her first wedding and now I have a feeling I'm going to be asked to be a bridesmaid. There have been a lot of weddings in my family in the past 5 years and I'm kinda over the bridesmaid dress and hoopla. Is it rude for me to decline? My other sister would probably jump at the chance to be a bridesmaid, so I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse. I can plan the bachelorette and help out with anything related to the wedding and helping to host her guests but I'm just not feeling this.... Am I being selfish and rude?
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Re: Decline to be sister's bridesmaid?

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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2017
    Are you and your sister close?  If so, I feel like you can say exactly what you said here--if she asks.  I mean, you can say it regardless, but if you're close, then I think it's more likely to not be a big deal. 

    If you're not close, it's still within your rights to decline, you just may have to be more careful to avoid hurting her feelings.

    If you're already prepared to plan the bachelorette and other things, is the dress the dealbreaker?  If she asks you, is there a possible solution that might work?  (A dress that you already own, for example?)  Is it the day-long getting ready?  (You could possibly skip the whole getting ready part and just show up for photos or the ceremony, whichever comes first.)  I don't know your specific objection, but there may be a way around it, if you want to be involved with the other stuff.

    Personally, I don't think you have to accept if she asks, but you know your sister well enough to know how she'll take it. 
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    vikinganna87vikinganna87 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    @Heffalump Great suggestions.  Ja, I think it's everything you mention that I object to.  My sister and I are not that close and only see each other a few times/year because she lives in a different part of the country but we have fun and get along well when we do see each other.

    The day-long getting ready and the dress are the main things I object to, though I'm also not in the mood to stand in front of everyone.  It's going to be a great opportunity to see a lot of family members I don't get to hang out with often so I'd rather have fun with them than spend the day at the salon, etc.

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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    I think it's going to come across as a pretty harsh "I don't want to be involved with you" statement. 
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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2017
    This is where the pressure to be a bridesmaid just because they asked you or just because their family pisses me off.  There is never anything wrong with declining to be a bridesmaid.  Ever.  "Because I don't want to" is a completely legitimate reason to say no.  If the bride to be gets butt hurt over it, that's her problem. 

    ETA because I sounded super harsh and cranky above to add: I understand why you want to decline, having to buy a dress you'll never wear again and spend all day locked up with the bridal party instead of sleeping in and showing up stress free as just a guest is WAYYYYY better. 

    It's not rude to decline, it's never rude to decline.  Simply say you won't be able to be a bridesmaid.  Don't ever any excuses she can argue with, just say it won't work for you. 

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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    drunkenwitch said:
    This is where the pressure to be a bridesmaid just because they asked you or just because their family pisses me off.  There is never anything wrong with declining to be a bridesmaid.  Ever.  "Because I don't want to" is a completely legitimate reason to say no.  If the bride to be gets butt hurt over it, that's her problem. 

    ETA because I sounded super harsh and cranky above to add: I understand why you want to decline, having to buy a dress you'll never wear again and spend all day locked up with the bridal party instead of sleeping in and showing up stress free as just a guest is WAYYYYY better. 

    It's not rude to decline, it's never rude to decline.  Simply say you won't be able to be a bridesmaid.  Don't ever any excuses she can argue with, just say it won't work for you. 
    To your sister. Y'all must have way different sisters than mine. This nah I'm not doing it would not work in my family at all. 
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    drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    drunkenwitch said:
    This is where the pressure to be a bridesmaid just because they asked you or just because their family pisses me off.  There is never anything wrong with declining to be a bridesmaid.  Ever.  "Because I don't want to" is a completely legitimate reason to say no.  If the bride to be gets butt hurt over it, that's her problem. 

    ETA because I sounded super harsh and cranky above to add: I understand why you want to decline, having to buy a dress you'll never wear again and spend all day locked up with the bridal party instead of sleeping in and showing up stress free as just a guest is WAYYYYY better. 

    It's not rude to decline, it's never rude to decline.  Simply say you won't be able to be a bridesmaid.  Don't ever any excuses she can argue with, just say it won't work for you. 
    To your sister. Y'all must have way different sisters than mine. This nah I'm not doing it would not work in my family at all. 
    Please don't read a snarky tone in what I am about to say, because it's not:

    It's wrong when people believe that families can take advantage of other family members or force them to do things they hate because "faaaaammmily".  Being related does not give people a free pass to demand whatever they want.  Being a bridesmaid is stressful and expensive, and chances are the OP will guilted into way more than just a dress because "it's your sister, you have to do this for her". 

    I would decline and not feel an ounce of guilt and any family member that tried to give me any grief would get shut down.

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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    STARMOON44 said:
    drunkenwitch said:
    This is where the pressure to be a bridesmaid just because they asked you or just because their family pisses me off.  There is never anything wrong with declining to be a bridesmaid.  Ever.  "Because I don't want to" is a completely legitimate reason to say no.  If the bride to be gets butt hurt over it, that's her problem. 

    ETA because I sounded super harsh and cranky above to add: I understand why you want to decline, having to buy a dress you'll never wear again and spend all day locked up with the bridal party instead of sleeping in and showing up stress free as just a guest is WAYYYYY better. 

    It's not rude to decline, it's never rude to decline.  Simply say you won't be able to be a bridesmaid.  Don't ever any excuses she can argue with, just say it won't work for you. 
    To your sister. Y'all must have way different sisters than mine. This nah I'm not doing it would not work in my family at all. 
    depending on the closeness it's the same in my family.   Even though it's perfectly okay to say no, it still wouldn't be received well.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2017
    drunkenwitch said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    drunkenwitch said:
    This is where the pressure to be a bridesmaid just because they asked you or just because their family pisses me off.  There is never anything wrong with declining to be a bridesmaid.  Ever.  "Because I don't want to" is a completely legitimate reason to say no.  If the bride to be gets butt hurt over it, that's her problem. 

    ETA because I sounded super harsh and cranky above to add: I understand why you want to decline, having to buy a dress you'll never wear again and spend all day locked up with the bridal party instead of sleeping in and showing up stress free as just a guest is WAYYYYY better. 

    It's not rude to decline, it's never rude to decline.  Simply say you won't be able to be a bridesmaid.  Don't ever any excuses she can argue with, just say it won't work for you. 
    To your sister. Y'all must have way different sisters than mine. This nah I'm not doing it would not work in my family at all. 
    Please don't read a snarky tone in what I am about to say, because it's not:

    It's wrong when people believe that families can take advantage of other family members or force them to do things they hate because "faaaaammmily".  Being related does not give people a free pass to demand whatever they want.  Being a bridesmaid is stressful and expensive, and chances are the OP will guilted into way more than just a dress because "it's your sister, you have to do this for her". 

    I would decline and not feel an ounce of guilt and any family member that tried to give me any grief would get shut down.
    I don't think she has to say yes, but just "no this doesn't work for me" with no explanation at all would just not work. I'd at least expect my sister to be apologetic and have reasons and stuff, and I'd still be hurt. 

    Especially here. Sorry, I just don't think "I'm not really into this at the moment" is a good reason. Like, okay, but if she takes that as just not really caring about her yup that's fair. 
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