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md6789 · March 2017

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ernursej · March 2017

megcreech said:

Hello,

I recently got engaged in December and my best friend (or so I thought) got engaged around the same time. At the time when we got engaged we video chatted to discuss our engagement stories and shared pictures of our rings. We EVEN shared pictures of our wedding dresses and venues. At that time I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Her response was "of course and you'll be in mine." Fast forward she got busy with life and didn't have time for wedding planning. We are getting married around the same time (not the same month). She will be a bridesmaid in my wedding and I kept asking about bridesmaids for her's and she avoided the question.

Eventually I saw a Facebook post and confronted her about it. Then she admitted she had already asked her bridesmaids. My feelings are hurt. What I thought was my best friend went behind my back and didn't even ask my to be in her wedding like she promised. I had known her the longest and we talked about everything. I was also the only friend that visited her every time she moved to a new location for work (and none of her other bridesmaids did). We stayed in touch all of the time. I feel like my friendship wasn't worth it. All of those visits to see her were a wasted trip. Is it right that I feel upset? Is she jealous because we are getting married at the same time? Should I confront her about it?

So there is lots going on here.

1) Weddings will bring out the crazy in everyone. I think you need to have a cupcake and really look at everything in a different light.

2) Wedding parties are not tit for tat. Wedding parties shouldn't not be asked too far from the wedding as relationships change. It would suck to be assuming that you are in hers from an initial conversation but then find out after that you were left out. You are allowed to feel however you want about this, but then you need to let it go.

3) Decide if it is really worth discussing but know that it could backfire and make the friendship end. It may be best to just assume that she was very excited when you both got engaged and invited you without thinking. Rude on her part, but I think you should be the bigger person and move forward.

4) Weddings can take over people's lives and perhaps all the wedding talk got to be too much for her. Have you tried being friends without talking about upcoming weddings?

missJeanLouise · March 2017

Take weddings out of it. Do you enjoy this woman's friendship? Would you like to continue being friends? Because you can really let this bother you or you can acknowledge your feelings (which are valid) and move on. You don't have to make a big deal out of this if you don't want to. Was she rude? A little, maybe more. But you have the opportunity to take the high road and continue your friendship as normal. After all the weddings have happened, feelings are calmer, and you have a little perspective maybe you guys will have a conversation about it or maybe not, but I don't think now is the time. Unless you want to end the friendship, then go ahead and confront her but I can't see how that could go over well.

LondonLisa · March 2017

megcreech said:

Hello,

I recently got engaged in December and my best friend (or so I thought) got engaged around the same time. At the time when we got engaged we video chatted to discuss our engagement stories and shared pictures of our rings. We EVEN shared pictures of our wedding dresses and venues. At that time I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Her response was "of course and you'll be in mine." Fast forward she got busy with life and didn't have time for wedding planning. We are getting married around the same time (not the same month). She will be a bridesmaid in my wedding and I kept asking about bridesmaids for her's and she avoided the question.

Eventually I saw a Facebook post and confronted her about it. Then she admitted she had already asked her bridesmaids. My feelings are hurt. What I thought was my best friend went behind my back and didn't even ask my to be in her wedding like she promised. I had known her the longest and we talked about everything. I was also the only friend that visited her every time she moved to a new location for work (and none of her other bridesmaids did). We stayed in touch all of the time. I feel like my friendship wasn't worth it. All of those visits to see her were a wasted trip. Is it right that I feel upset? Is she jealous because we are getting married at the same time? Should I confront her about it?

Ok, so you weren't 'backstabbed'. Let's take the hyperbole and drama down a bit.

Yes, that is hurtful. But you are throwing your toys out of the pram here. When you are calm, and you can approach this dispassionately, say 'Friend, I was hurt that you asked me to be in your wedding party and then said I wasn't. I understand you may have blurted something out that you didn't mean, but it did mean a lot to me to be asked, and then to have you forget about it and avoid it really rubbed salt in the wound. I am really hurt. ' and then see what she has to say.

What I wouldn't do is continue to stew on this. Friendship isn't a competition where people measure who does the most for each other. Sometimes people are close with friends that they don't see often for a number of reasons. I understand you thought this woman was your best friend, but it seems like she doesn't see your friendship in the same way. That's ok. It can be a hurtful realisation, but it doesn't mean you have to throw your friendship out. Those trips weren't wasted if you had a good time and enjoy her friendship.

She absolutely shouldn't have asked and then backed out, but I think you need to calm down a bit and try to see the situation a bit more objectively and maturely. It is OK for you to be hurt and jealous, but see what she has to say. If she apologises, you can decide if you want to continue the friendship.

charlotte989875 · March 2017

It sounds like she "asked" you in the excitement of being newly engaged and in response to you asking her. Ask is in quotes because while she mentioned it and I can completely understand where you think you will be in the wedding, it might be that she said that without thinking about it. I know that probably doesn't make you feel better, but it might explain it a little. It sounds like she said it in get moment then changed her mind and probably felt bad about it hence avoiding the subject.

Im failing to understand though how this is "backstabbing" or her "going behind your back" TBH. She seems careless in what she said, but she is free to choose her WP just as you are, and choosing other women isn't a slight to you, or done to hurt you. You're absolutely entitled to feel hurt about it, but it really doesn't sound like she was doing this to intentionally hurt you.

On the "wasted time" and trips to see her "not being worth it" I think you're letting your emotions cloud things here; do you like spending time with her? Do you otherwise enjoy being friends with her? If that's the case not being asked to be in a wedding doesn't change that, or it does only if you let it.

LondonLisa · March 2017

@md6789 you were quoted, so there is no point to delete your post. It actually attracts more attention.

Ro041 · March 2017

md6789 said:

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You sound like you are twitching and having an episode.

missfrodo · March 2017

charlotte989875 said:

It sounds like she "asked" you in the excitement of being newly engaged and in response to you asking her. Ask is in quotes because while she mentioned it and I can completely understand where you think you will be in the wedding, it might be that she said that without thinking about it. I know that probably doesn't make you feel better, but it might explain it a little. It sounds like she said it in get moment then changed her mind and probably felt bad about it hence avoiding the subject.

Im failing to understand though how this is "backstabbing" or her "going behind your back" TBH. She seems careless in what she said, but she is free to choose her WP just as you are, and choosing other women isn't a slight to you, or done to hurt you. You're absolutely entitled to feel hurt about it, but it really doesn't sound like she was doing this to intentionally hurt you.

On the "wasted time" and trips to see her "not being worth it" I think you're letting your emotions cloud things here; do you like spending time with her? Do you otherwise enjoy being friends with her? If that's the case not being asked to be in a wedding doesn't change that, or it does only if you let it.

I agree with all of this, especially the bolded. From your post, it sounds like you have blown things way out of proportion. And now you have deleted your post, which will attract more attention to it, because if there's one thing the Internet loves, it's drama. I think you are creating a lot of the drama for yourself. Take a step back, reevaluate, and think seriously about your friendship and whether you really want to end it or not.

drunkenwitch · March 2017

Came for the Bat Signal.

Staying for the flounce.

southernbelle0915 · March 2017

I would be really pissed and hurt too. Consider it...your best friend tells you that you're a bridesmaid in her wedding and then you find out, from Facebook, that she asked other people and that you aren't a bridesmaid. WTH?

If someone came here and said "In the excitement of my engagement, I told my friend that she'd be a bridesmaid in my wedding, but I changed my mind. I asked other girls and posted to Facebook who I chose and didn't include my friend. Now she's hurt and upset. Did I do something wrong?" I have a feeling the responses would have been different.

OP's questions:

Is it right that I feel upset? Of course. Friends not following through, especially on something like this is hurtful.
Is she jealous because we are getting married at the same time? Probably not. I don't really see these things as related.
Should I confront her about it? Sure. Tell her you're confused that she said you'd be a bridesmaid and now she's saying you're not. Tell her you consider her your best friend and that you're hurt by her not following through on something you thought was meaningful and important.

SP29 · March 2017

southernbelle0915 said:

I would be really pissed and hurt too. Consider it...your best friend tells you that you're a bridesmaid in her wedding and then you find out, from Facebook, that she asked other people and that you aren't a bridesmaid. WTH?

If someone came here and said "In the excitement of my engagement, I told my friend that she'd be a bridesmaid in my wedding, but I changed my mind. I asked other girls and posted to Facebook who I chose and didn't include my friend. Now she's hurt and upset. Did I do something wrong?" I have a feeling the responses would have been different.

OP's questions:

Is it right that I feel upset? Of course. Friends not following through, especially on something like this is hurtful.
Is she jealous because we are getting married at the same time? Probably not. I don't really see these things as related.
Should I confront her about it? Sure. Tell her you're confused that she said you'd be a bridesmaid and now she's saying you're not. Tell her you consider her your best friend and that you're hurt by her not following through on something you thought was meaningful and important.

I agree with this. But none of the posters above said the OP's feelings weren't valid. They just cautioned that a confrontation may ruin the friendship.

I would be hurt too. Your friend told you she wanted you as a BM but did not ask you. I wouldn't call it backstabbing, but it was rude and hurtful. I like LondonLisa's wording suggestion. Let your friend know that you value your friendship, you were excited, and then she let you down.

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